b4n3n4

[b4n3n4]

its funny because before i saw myself as being alone but this time i am actually completely alone

[b4n3n4]

everyday ill regret it not working, if i just pushed myself harder i would have been gone and all the pain would of went with me, i cant handle this anymore i feel my lowest again but theres nothing positive about it, i dont feel confident or comfortable with myself anymore, or like im improving or doing something, im just meat that is alive and wishes to be dead

[b4n3n4]

no matter how much i beg God never has mercy on me and takes me away, would it be so bad to die here, maybe suicide wont be so different from natural death and he wont be more sad, just kill me

[b4n3n4]

thought about dethroating myself all day, simple cut with a a sharp razor, just hold it firm and move my head against it, done

[b4n3n4]

i wish God could take me, im tired of this i just want to be happy

[b4n3n4]

i feel like my life should end the more void it gets, at least before something kept me on my toes, what am i anymore

[b4n3n4]

I don't know if this helps but straight acetone might dissolve the glue

i miss when i had people who knew i existed

[b4n3n4]

i would post the current but i feel like its a fake

[b4n3n4]

i guess its true, when i feel worse i come back here

[b4n3n4]

I dont know how to start this, its been a while since the last time i wrote any long vent.

This year has been a new thing for me although somehow familiar, i remember being in middle school before i ever spoke to anyone, before i got introduced to everything that would follow me for years after.

I was alone, but nothing bad happened, nothing happened, i had no friends, no one knew or cared, im alone for years.

Nowadays i do have someone with me but i feel empty. Things are so calm i dont know if im alive or not, days are all the same, months passed and i do nothing and there's no danger or evil pursuing me but i feel unmotivated.

I dont know what to do with myself, i want to feel things again but i know my ways to feel it are 'self destructive'. I really want to feel like myself again, i felt honest to myself. nowadays im not, im not clean im not good im not any of this, i miss my old self everyday.

I wish i could reach out to myself again without feeling the need to suffer but it does make sense, only when im careless is when i feel free.

Nothing feels genuine to me anymore, all the people i talk to, all the things i see, things i do, how i view myself.

I was unique, i was free now im a shell. im fitting in and day after day losing myself.

I am immensely grateful for my boyfriend and he is the reason i dont want to fully go back in my ways but i just wish i could have my personality back, im so empty.

i am only a body that sleeps and a mouth that eats, everything i liked in myself is gone.

i want human connection but a very specific one, i want an equal, not a supporter. A want a non sexual non romatic connection.

Im alone, as i always was but this time the calmness makes it worse, but the company is good, that should make me happy

[b4n3n4]

havent been here in a long time, to sum things up, a once very important person to mr tried to reach out in my bday, ended blocked.

Days are calm but i still find myself wondering how it would be if my mind was free again, seems like although i have all the days to myself i dont have time for anything. I try to write sometimes but nothing comes out.

Ill probably just restart Tumblr once i force myself. not much to say here anymore

[b4n3n4]

I wish i could spontaneously combust on command, i sometimes think i legit hate everyone without any exception, everyone is a brainwashed sheep going meh meh and doing whatever they are told, i hate you

[b4n3n4]

I dont think i was created to enjoy life or even survive, it doesn't feel right, suicide feels like its the right option im just afraid of taking it in case it goes wrong

[b4n3n4]

I havent been feeling good at all again, i want to do it but im afraid it will go wrong, but even then, if it goes wrong, i can try again until i finally die, maybe i should today, im alone anyways, no one would find out unless im stupid and fail it, but i only have 2 insulin carts, i dont know if 400 units will do it for sure

[b4n3n4]

I don't know if i said this before here but im completely autistic about the purge, i used to draw everyday my ocs in the purge, have playlists ( I still do) and overall once i start talking about the philosophy and concept of the purge and how it is an right wing mockery movie i wont shut up, please tell me how the purge is a concept for how right wing people want to preach religion in order to purge the poor/minorities out and how the rich get richer and safer and the poor get even more poor and more likely to be victims

[b4n3n4]

yk what i wont change this account this is like my biggest feat in life

[b4n3n4]

i miss the old nena on Tumblr, should i remake this account, i dont like it anymore