babydelusionyouth

[babydelusionyouth]

I know that to end the cycle i need to love myself, the way I'll achieve this is largely by getting to know myself better. Yes discipline yes meditation yes affirmations and i been doing that and although it has helped it hasn't seemed to be the solution.

I think i need to tend to my own little interests more but in a less serious way. Not like, YOU NEED TO DO THIS SO YOU CAN FUCKING GROW. But like omg i have an hour to myself so instead of scrolling the web what would JULIA do? To entertain herself rather than everything having to being a chore. HAVE FUN WITH LIFE!!!

I want to acquire my own little signiture objects and attire and pieces of information. Things that make me me. I want to interact with the world in an authentic way. NOT for approval, just being real!!!! Sacrifice shame and embarrassment for authenticity.

I do think getting good grades and a job and learning how to drive will also help. Not directly but alongside everything else it will prove myself to MYSELF and i will feel more like an accomplished individual.

Because ive neglected my self in price of other people. May it be comparing myself to strangers on the internet or attempting to win a boy's approval. I have lost myself in the process, the most important thing for me right now is to get myself back. This is my news year resolution. To become fully realised in who i am, and act upon this authentically.

I am so glad Ilyan is over so that i can start this journey. I'm so glad ilyan has happend so that I've realised which way to go!

Oh and i forgot about the social aspect. Try to not take this too seriously. Just be authentic and open and you'll find the right people, im sure. Don't seek it out deliberately, your focus is yourself

[babydelusionyouth]

Let me know when you get over ilyan because i know you can come through with that 2️⃣

And please don't let anything like this happen again. I mean i feel like im ready to end the cycle my awareness is stronger than ever and i understand that i am healing slowly..

Like i thought it was different than what happened with Marco because i was being myself. So the cycle of fraud was over, but that was only part of the issue. The part that i missed out was the intention of the relationship, which was all about getting his approval, all resulting in me spiralling into a pantomime neverless. Even if there was real aspects to the bond as we truly did get on well with eachother, the fact that the centerpoint of every interaction i had with him was to prove myself made the tragectory of our relationship so ever predictably end up in a destructive rut

Please let this be the last time i give my heart to another in determination of my worth

[babydelusionyouth]

JULIA!!!!!!! U WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT!!!!!! YOU'RE OVER IT, IT'S OVER!!!! YOU LISTEN TO YUNG LEAN AND HE DOESN'T CROSS YOUR MIND. HE HASN'T IN FOREVER???!! YOU LISTEN TO DREAMCACSH AND YOU FEEL NOTHING. THE ONLY THING YOU FEEL TOWARDS HIM IS DISTANT PITY, IT'S SOS SO SOSOOSOSOO DISTANT JULIA AND U MADE IT HAPPEN!!!! YOU'RE SO POWERFUL AND LIVING PROOF THAT U CAN SURVIVE LITERALLY ANYTHING. I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK AND TO THE STARS AND JUPITER AND BACK! YOU WILL ALWAYS BOUNCE BACK, YOU WILL ALWAYS MAKE IT WORK. OKAY YEAH THERE'S NEW PROBLEMS BUT NEW OPPORTUNITIES AND YOU ALREADY KNOW WE CAN GET THROUGH ANYTHING:) WE R STRONGER THAN EVER WE R GOING TO CONQUER THE WORLD *️⃣*️⃣⭐🪽 I FUCKING LOVE YOOOUUU😘7777244 OK?:P #STAYSHININGTRU

[babydelusionyouth]

it gets worse

[babydelusionyouth]

he ruined yung lean for me when i hear leans voice it feels like him and makes my heart flutter how fucking miserable

[babydelusionyouth]

Very strange to keep up with myself. I need more experience i dont feel whole at all. I feel insignificant and not like myself yet but its not bad. I feel like yung lean before he became yung lean. I suppose its normal. Im dying my hair today. I guess i need to remember im only 14

[babydelusionyouth]

I hope im getting a diary with a lock for Christmas i need!!!! for ultimate vibe and intense analytical self reflection 😂 i can do it here but like actual physical writing would feel better i tynk

[babydelusionyouth]

Once again i lied but i figured it out. I am hurting myself on purpose to feel something

[babydelusionyouth]

I am so. Predictably. Weak. Yes i broke the promise to myself yes i inflicted more pain on myself. This needs to stop i need a bigger plan. I guess i learnt that HIDING FROM MY PAST is useless in this scenario. His love is all i know and i will naturally come to dig it up eventually when it gets too much. This isnt about strength and i know it. Im lying to myself. I need new love, someone i can share my experiences and music and adventure with. Where do i find it?

[babydelusionyouth]

A place where honey flows and no thistles whistle

A missile at dismissal

[babydelusionyouth]

Hope i die.

[babydelusionyouth]

heart collapse

i bleed slow

oh it hurts so so so

[babydelusionyouth]

i hope their love is true and beautiful. i hope they get all the happiness they deserve. i hope she makes him feel as perfect as he is. i hope she feels loved by him too i hope it lasts and if it doesn't he will find the perfect girl for him.

[babydelusionyouth]

DONT WEAKEN YOU'LL BRING PAIN UPON YOURSELF

[babydelusionyouth]

dear God

why do i have to be put through all of this misery? is it worth it?

why am i alive? what is the purpose of my suffering?

God please help me i feel so useless what am i supposed to do

[babydelusionyouth]

ow ow ow ow stop it why do i put myself through this torture

[babydelusionyouth]

oh god it hurts so much i cant avoid it.