backagainig

[backagainig]

I always think about killing myself when I'm happy

[backagainig]

SH

the thing about the cutting is I don't really know how other people do it, what they do after, how much they do at each time. it's not something they put in the articles, not something you can ask anybody. I just started doing it, and it makes me feel like I'm the only person in the world; because I know cutting is a 'thing', but it's just so personal. I worked this out by myself, it's just something I do. it feels right, if I'm honest.

I don't like to take care of the cuts. Ive never ever bandaged them, I just sit for hours with toilet roll and wait for it to stop. and then I go to bed and let it bleed all over the sheets, and when I get in the shower I let it run off on the water and it stings. I used to use these three blades I pulled out of the razors my mom got me to shave my legs - they were so hard to extricate that I just used them for ever, until they were really blunt and left really ragged cuts. I miss those razors.

I like the feeling of walking around in pain, and not telling anyone. it makes me feel virtuous almost, like it makes up for anything I say or do, because I'm suffering and I'm not complaining about it. I like sitting and feeling the heat radiating from my thigh and the ridging under my skinny jeans and people don't know. I like feeling sick. I like feeling pain. I like it. isnt that sick? I think it is, I think I'm probably a really terrible person.

[backagainig]

francesdelourdes

[backagainig]

[backagainig]

I feel so fucking low

[backagainig]

I stayed with my sister this week while I was off school, and it was so nice until yesterday morning. She wanted to post a photo and I told her no and she started to yell and cry - I'm scaring her, she hates that I'm not ok, and it makes her hurt too much to see me in pain.

I'm horrifying. I'm hurting people just by being here. I'm a mess and it's HURTING people. I'm scary. I'm gross. I fucking hate myself.

[backagainig]

accountability log

Start Weight: 118.2 lbs

Saturday (112 days to go) = 957kcals total

sip of smoothie - 159

1 bag of pop chips - 160

Mcdonalds w/ family - 593 (didnt purge it so yayayaya)

3 teas - 45

3 glasses of water - 0

exercise: paced 10,000 steps before bed

Sunday (111 days to go) = 756kcals total

pot of veggie soup - 246

vegan chicken kiev - 340

1/4 pot coleslaw - 110

4 tea - 60

5 glasses of water - 0

exercise: 45min dog walk + 40min walk

Monday (110 days to go) = 760kcals total

tea w/ pills - 7

bag of popcorn - 192

tomato noodles - 418

4 teas at school - 60

150g mixed veggies - 68

tea - 15

5 glasses of water - 0

exercise: 1hr 15mins pacing before bed

Tuesday (109 days to go) = 669kcals total

tea w/ pills - 7

1/2 bag of popcorn - 96

4 teas at school - 60

butternut soup - 104

baguette - 372

tea - 30

3 glasses of water - 0

exercise: 1hr pacing before bed

Wednesday (108 days to go) = 929kcals total

tea w/ pills - 7

5 teas at school - 75

5 bricks of chocolate (felt faint) - 200

1 slice of pizza - 188

1/2 baguette - 186

salt butter - 73

1 Weetabix brick - 68

100ml semi-skimmed milk - 48

tsp sugar - 19

tsp maple syrup - 35

tea - 30

Thursday (107 days to go) = 1172kcals total *shitty shitty day*

tea w/ pills - 7

4 teas at school - 60

sweets in class - 141

itsu veggie meatless meatballs teriyaki rice’bowl - 578

diet coke - 0

*had super shit breakdown about being hungry so gave in a little*

salt butter - 73

slice of bread - 105

Weetabix - 136

milk - 72

Friday (106 days to go) = 693kcals total

tea w/ pills - 7

sweets w/ friends - 188

4 teas at school - 60

vegetable noodles - 408

tea - 30

glasses of water - 0

exercise: 1hr15mins pacing before bed

End Weight: 114.0lbs

[backagainig]

I haven't seen 115 in two years, and I just feel that it's gonna be tomorrow! Ive been doing visualisation to help motivation and my god it works - I keep thinking about stepping on the scale and seeing that number and I'm so excited!

[backagainig]

between now and university, I'm quite literally getting a new face. they're taking my jaw and filling my face with metal. and is that scary? yes. but it's also proof that I can be completely different when I go, all the way down to my face - the face I've had and hated for years. what if I can be in a new body too? I'm half drunk on the idea of starting somewhere new, and people having no clue what I used to look like.

[backagainig]

bc I need to think this way now...

imagine if I do it? its been, what, almost 7 years? and yes, I haven't done it yet. but what if this is it? what if this is finally finally it? this time I make it past 10lb loss. this time, people notice enough to say something. this time, I don't give up. this time, I get to my goal date and actually feel ok. part of me says: what makes this different from the last time? and the other part of me says: because this is this time, and imagine if I do it.

[backagainig]

I need to get my shit together.

I have 113 days.

I always say I work better under timed conditions, now's the fucking time.

I thought she was doing worse, I thought I was doing ok. But no. No no no no no. The photos look like she's the same if not better. She's perfect. I want to fucking kill myself and if I don't change in 113 days I fuckin will.

[backagainig]

'God Hates Bulimics' - a poem I cut from my coursework.

There's hilarity to the image:

a body betraying itself, limbs in conflict.

Flesh reaching into flesh to pull out a bowl of cereal.

A gag reflex is a motion of resistance -

You are a traitor, with sticky fingers, swollen lips -

it's ok first-timer this bit gets easier.

Find the spot, there, yes, press it, good.

Where the tongue sinks under a plateau of something hard:

here is your Jerusalem,

your beginning, your return.

Every version of yourself, spanning back to

primary.

Just knickers under a sundress,

white socks.

Squint and it's funny,

(tell me it's funny)

two fingers, knuckle deep,

and you've got it now.

You're making love to another body,

one that doesn't exist yet. Cheater.

[backagainig]

idk if ur even active but found ur blog recently and sending u lots of love!! btw ur very artistically talented

I'm not always super active but I'm definitely around so, thank you very much for the kind words :)

[backagainig]

I'm sending you so much love rn I really really hope things get better ❤️ https://backagainig.tumblr.com/post/667146197359853568/ok-so-everything-went-tits-up-had-a-severe

thank you lovely ❤️

[backagainig]

ok so everything went tits up (had an episode in a church, threw up everywhere and seized like a mf and got removed by paramedics, then my granddad died, and what I thought was gonna be 1 surgery is now 3 (facial reconstruction, lucky me) so yeah my life is a mess now) but I'm back and feeling fat af bc I comfort eat so i'm gonna starve to be 110lbs for new years, I've decided. gotta find fucking anything to feel happy about.

[backagainig]

me: I mean, I know objectively an ed can affect your health before you look emaciated, but personally i don't think it has

also me: eats normally for one (1) day, gains 2.8 lbs and spends the next day on the toilet, before clearing my shower drain of fallen out hair...

[backagainig]

so i don't think ive eaten over 1000 for weeks, but im (TMI) constipated af and I haven't got my period yet even though I'm meant to, and I'm sure that's why, but I woke up today and weighed in like always and I'm up 1.8lbs and now the whole day is ruined I just want to cry