baconlettucetomatoeggs

[baconlettucetomatoeggs]

so, remember this whole ass rant? welp turns out it's fine being dumb.

so a random story: i had this stint were we do a report presentation about how tasks (processes) communicate with each other for our Embedded Systems class, and i just *mowed down* those 2/4 sections like it was nothing why though? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IM DOING IN MY SPARE TIME. SURE PYTHON CODE IS EASY, BUT MULTIPROCESSING IT IS A REAL BEAST. IM SCRAPING WEBSITES FOR NOMNOMS

(also before i left on that... worky thingy, our last task is to theorise the framework on how we can make kiosks communicate. turns out we can just mirror their database queries instead. but *that* made us realise other things such as message brokers and stuff.) i explained the whole topic like i studied it a day ago. i did *not*

idk, i thought i was stupid then i realised, i was good enough. and that's a feeling that i wanna keep.

so idk. to quote my mate Khaos, "the hard part in becoming the bigger fish, is that, well, you'll always find a bigger fish"

i just wanna be a smaller fish, that's all

and oh, by the way, you havent studied *any* of your goals for the day. buuut something interesting happened in your life that, would change you forever.

you fucking cut your hair. you met your best friend again after a year of non-contact. you are contented again

lest reality may gaslight me...........

i admit there's this growing jealousy of mine when she talks about her escapades in coding. it kinda reminded me how little i know, when in fact i should know this.

now the semester's coming (yep i got enrolled, thank god) i did what most people do when they're dunno what the heck things would do: ask their nearest person

"so, honest question, do you think we're work-ready?" "i dont think so. why's that?" "if beginners nowadays can code RISC-V like it was nothing, what's left to us? sure we can say we studied this course for like 4 years but... isnt that a waste?" "i mean... yeah? i mean even the webdevs of our course were really cocky. no one even taught us AI. heck, our classmates are working on BPO. nothing wrong about it but it's such a waste of skill" (some context on the text above: the mate's specializing in AI. also some of us know webdev. at least we can deploy XAMPP and call it a day. others feel fancy with their javascripts. the second person also has a knack of wanting to make a RISC on their own. welp) and i'm still here being jealous with even seeing double colons on code, or even a simple coding example. i just cant do this anymore. it's filled with spite and i dunno where to channel that frustration: i need to learn this. but i cant. and i'm demotivated.

then she started planning on making a compiler.

we never had that kind of stuff in my course. so in confusion, i asked my mates who were studying outside of my cooleg

"hey y'all made compilers in your course?" "yeah." and idk what to say. i just wasted 4 years of my life. just. gone

"why didnt you take a course that has a license? i mean, with that entrance exam score you're set to every course" because i liked it here. but now it's just a lie.

and i wasted 4 years of my life here.

i remembered the Cult Leader (my prof, not really a cult leader but their messianic complex is HARD) said to us: "what's the use of learning low level? everything's done in web these days" as my mates and i were doing system calls on our devices.

and the worst of it all was the fact that my bff told me a real cold hard truth accidentally:

"hey did you know? your course is just a minor on this other engineering course"

lol i have no pride left in my what is essentially me, my hobby, my joy, my life. not only im dumb, but i know nothing

so, there are two options left for me:

just cry about it.

accept that everything is mediocre and you need to walk on your own, spite and all

while eating my lunch today, i told to myself i need a focused learning of all the things i wanna learn to. no i wont speak it beacause im afraid it wouldnt come to fruition

i wanna apologise to her tbh. not only she didnt know, i just dunno what she talks about 80% of the time. i like it when she's around, and i like it when she's eager on something. sorry ><

kinda disappointing that i'll go back on 4th year instead of 1st year. i definitely need that introductory class.

all i got in the end was... please dont tell your hobbies, because if you do you'll feel insecure about it when you find you dont hobbied hard enough

or maybe stuck myself reading philosophy books, whatever.

P.S.

so i asked myself wtf are we geared upon??? and welp it was obvious in hindsight, and in that one startup i worky on: it's all about building systems, the macro scale. hell we have prereqs for software engineering and another one for the Master's course

and while washing the dishes, i though like: COME ON, THAT'S EASY! IT'S EASY TO FOLLOW PARADIGMS AND JUST MIRROR IT AS IS! ANYONE CAN BUILD A MODULAR SYSTEM, OR EVEN A MONOLITHIC ONE, COME ON!!!!

sorta like the disconnect between businessmen talking about their plans 10 years (they always talk about this) vs friends planning a vacation 12 hours in advance. the first one dont need that much mental flex, only daydreaming.

...probably this is why the trend seems to be microservices, where they all struggle to keep their modularity in check. and now they removed the ethics board. they wanna think about futures, but not the present. may they rot in peace.

p.p.s

ok if you ask me what i wanna learn, it'll be HDL (verilog?) on the mondays, C/Rust on the tuesdays (cant decide. fuck it PSP time), RISC-V on the wednesdays, MIPS on the thursdays (fuck it PSP time), and friday's just Cebuano. saturday and sundays are for dumb time. cant decide how to tho. you can prolly do algorithms on any of those but that would be silly unless it's higher level i seriously wanna learn like functional languages, or languages near the theoretical side of things. we dont have the math touch in our hands and in fact we only have like 2 semesters of calculus.

this isnt prolly gonna be in fruition considering i laze around and dont have the will for anything than breathing and living

im kinda excited what shits will do in our embedded systems class. they said it's all arduino and stuff, why not go nuts? i guess.

there's 2 days of Neural Networks. no we wont build exotic stuff like GANs or something.

sigh. even with all this, i'm still dumb.

[baconlettucetomatoeggs]

and hopes, all too high and all to great, may icarus fell down on his melted wings

i would prolly relate this thought to a happening i have just of today: so. my peep and i were buying bass guitars. yep! WE'RE GONNA BUY THEM FOR $20 A POP HOW COOL IS THAT?

and the seller had a lot of problems on their side, needing to take back the bass again from the selling page.

this kinda reminded me of the plan i had last week: i was gonna learn and study like stuffs for the week but i still havent started yet. oh welp. i guess i would be dumb, it's fine. the semester's 6 months away.

[baconlettucetomatoeggs]

lest reality may gaslight me...........

i admit there's this growing jealousy of mine when she talks about her escapades in coding. it kinda reminded me how little i know, when in fact i should know this.

now the semester's coming (yep i got enrolled, thank god) i did what most people do when they're dunno what the heck things would do: ask their nearest person

"so, honest question, do you think we're work-ready?" "i dont think so. why's that?" "if beginners nowadays can code RISC-V like it was nothing, what's left to us? sure we can say we studied this course for like 4 years but... isnt that a waste?" "i mean... yeah? i mean even the webdevs of our course were really cocky. no one even taught us AI. heck, our classmates are working on BPO. nothing wrong about it but it's such a waste of skill" (some context on the text above: the mate's specializing in AI. also some of us know webdev. at least we can deploy XAMPP and call it a day. others feel fancy with their javascripts. the second person also has a knack of wanting to make a RISC on their own. welp) and i'm still here being jealous with even seeing double colons on code, or even a simple coding example. i just cant do this anymore. it's filled with spite and i dunno where to channel that frustration: i need to learn this. but i cant. and i'm demotivated.

then she started planning on making a compiler.

we never had that kind of stuff in my course. so in confusion, i asked my mates who were studying outside of my cooleg

"hey y'all made compilers in your course?" "yeah." and idk what to say. i just wasted 4 years of my life. just. gone

"why didnt you take a course that has a license? i mean, with that entrance exam score you're set to every course" because i liked it here. but now it's just a lie.

and i wasted 4 years of my life here.

i remembered the Cult Leader (my prof, not really a cult leader but their messianic complex is HARD) said to us: "what's the use of learning low level? everything's done in web these days" as my mates and i were doing system calls on our devices.

and the worst of it all was the fact that my bff told me a real cold hard truth accidentally:

"hey did you know? your course is just a minor on this other engineering course"

lol i have no pride left in my what is essentially me, my hobby, my joy, my life. not only im dumb, but i know nothing

so, there are two options left for me:

just cry about it.

accept that everything is mediocre and you need to walk on your own, spite and all

while eating my lunch today, i told to myself i need a focused learning of all the things i wanna learn to. no i wont speak it beacause im afraid it wouldnt come to fruition

i wanna apologise to her tbh. not only she didnt know, i just dunno what she talks about 80% of the time. i like it when she's around, and i like it when she's eager on something. sorry ><

kinda disappointing that i'll go back on 4th year instead of 1st year. i definitely need that introductory class.

all i got in the end was... please dont tell your hobbies, because if you do you'll feel insecure about it when you find you dont hobbied hard enough

or maybe stuck myself reading philosophy books, whatever.

P.S.

so i asked myself wtf are we geared upon??? and welp it was obvious in hindsight, and in that one startup i worky on: it's all about building systems, the macro scale. hell we have prereqs for software engineering and another one for the Master's course

and while washing the dishes, i though like: COME ON, THAT'S EASY! IT'S EASY TO FOLLOW PARADIGMS AND JUST MIRROR IT AS IS! ANYONE CAN BUILD A MODULAR SYSTEM, OR EVEN A MONOLITHIC ONE, COME ON!!!!

sorta like the disconnect between businessmen talking about their plans 10 years (they always talk about this) vs friends planning a vacation 12 hours in advance. the first one dont need that much mental flex, only daydreaming.

...probably this is why the trend seems to be microservices, where they all struggle to keep their modularity in check. and now they removed the ethics board. they wanna think about futures, but not the present. may they rot in peace.

p.p.s

ok if you ask me what i wanna learn, it'll be HDL (verilog?) on the mondays, C/Rust on the tuesdays (cant decide. fuck it PSP time), RISC-V on the wednesdays, MIPS on the thursdays (fuck it PSP time), and friday's just Cebuano. saturday and sundays are for dumb time. cant decide how to tho. you can prolly do algorithms on any of those but that would be silly unless it's higher level i seriously wanna learn like functional languages, or languages near the theoretical side of things. we dont have the math touch in our hands and in fact we only have like 2 semesters of calculus.

this isnt prolly gonna be in fruition considering i laze around and dont have the will for anything than breathing and living

im kinda excited what shits will do in our embedded systems class. they said it's all arduino and stuff, why not go nuts? i guess.

there's 2 days of Neural Networks. no we wont build exotic stuff like GANs or something.

sigh. even with all this, i'm still dumb.

[baconlettucetomatoeggs]

so, in the process of transferring schools, one is tasked to fill upp all their requisite subjects on their form, with number of units and the grade you had on that subject. in turn this will be checked against the college's program with equivalent number of units and grade as well.

seriously, i would recommend writing all your grades and uniits in a piece of paper every semester, gives you a look over the prsent, past, and future. also it was really humbling.

and you know? i fucking hate humility. humility is just hiding your own power level. i just realised it just now.

what's worse is the fact that it reminded me of the trope that i had in my life: that reality's gaslighting me. that it doesnt matter what things really happen to you, only its outcome

this is also why i recommend it as well: it shows you where you are in life, putting you in the place where you actually are

sure you can be laughed at by your professor after receiving a 3.0 (in a "they really didnt know you" sense) but you still have that 3.0

sure you can have a 1.00 in that subject, but that's because one of your classmates did something bad and the professor took that as a consolation

sure you can have stories of people asking you and you teaching them like it was nothing. sure you can have those stories that you worked in your professor's company being handpicked as one of the rare students in his arsenal

but you still are a transferee student, who failed the last 1 semester of their life.

and what fight do you have in mind? your grades are littered with barely passes? doesnt matter if you went to a medical break or something. what matters the most is that you failed a subject, and that's how people would see you.

...and this is why i dont like talking about programming anymore. it's just painful. sure i have stories that i made programs and projects like this and that, but if you cant answer a simple mathematical algorithm puzzle, then you do fail.

doesnt matter if this is one of your favorite things to do. doesnt matter if you spent your whole high school obsessing about it. it's not enough to land you in footing. if you suck, you suck.

you have delusions of grandeur. that's what. even if things point to the contrary, papers said so. might as well believe that

and idk, when i wrote that transfer papers, all i can see is "wait, is that all i am? a dirt, grime, some stain here and there?" and it's not humbling, it's infuriating. it's stupid.

at by your professor after receiving a 3.0 (in a "they really didnt know you" sense) but you still have that 3.0

sure you can have a 1.00 in that subject, but that's because one of your classmates did something bad and the professor took that as a consolation (3.00 is barely passing and 1.00 is aceing a class)

hell i have intrusive thoughts while chatting my friend on my phone because it was that bad.

but who cares? i live in a relatively fine situation. could've been worse. all people would see is the fact i'm more capable than anyone.

people would only care if you're on paper said you need to be taken care of. even you dont. and vice versa, people wouldnt care about you if you dont show signs of anything.

...my BFF jokingly calling me a failure with a reference to my failed attempts in life. and, idk? it hurts. even now i still think about it. i wonder if he thought of it too.

on the flip side, i kinda find peace being the stupid one: at least expectations of you were as stable as it gets. no one's gonna ask why i dont know thngs even if i should. no one's gonna know. peace and quiet.

[baconlettucetomatoeggs]

sorta rant: honestly i'm kinda disappointed not "reprogramming" bookr. then again remember the adage: work hard, not smart. you can convert those pdf files into png's and it'll be read by the device much more efficiently. unlike what they did (simulate a printer -> print page-> repeat every surface update) i dont read books that much so i dont need those. also i solved my reading issue by charging my phone and use power saver.

[baconlettucetomatoeggs]

may your unconscious body dragged to the stage

as you hallucinate

those millions of people watching?

devours you.

[baconlettucetomatoeggs]

fucking wanna have that 5 string bass under $30

[baconlettucetomatoeggs]

Afflict the Gender status effect onto another player.

[baconlettucetomatoeggs]

now the mods are asleep, imma tell you some of my thoughts for today. lest shall not other people see this with my Cluster B - adjacent thinking.

---------------

honestly i dunno. i'm really am scared right now. there's so many things that can happen right now and you have all the possibilities laid down in front of you. i wont give any specifics for the readers out there in the dark (hey, i see you.) but hey.

lemme start off with a quote that really rings me off once i turned off my social medias and now i'm back at the real world

Concerned, but powerless

-"Fitter Happier" by Radiohead this is kind of silly when how the hell would you know everything, and yet nothing? how can you be this concerned and yet you dont do shit at all?

simple. be surrounded by so many people your small brain can be used to and you'll feel the same way. not just bodies, but stories, humans, living things, things that you can be concerned of. even the small turtle or the dog you found.

concerned, but powerless. it needs distance. it needs some kind of latency. it needs a folk where you cant visit them and check them. not even a warm hug, nor even give them your measely allowance of $1 per day it also need screens. it also needs melded brains. it also needs

[baconlettucetomatoeggs]

somewhat a halfassed story from an unfinished draft of mine

it's kind of illusion of mine, knowing two versions of her. from near and afar. the one you cuddled around the cold floor. the one who gave your speeches. the one you forcibly kiss in the middle of a darkened karaoke room, and the one who you want to forget. the one who you admire and aspire to be, and the one you're jealous about and been bitter for these past few days with all of your successes.

oh how reality gaslights me from believing you both dont exist! i'm just some insane person, persona non grata. who am i to judge? whom am i to hold a statement?

this is just a madman talking about their ex.

[baconlettucetomatoeggs]

a concept: the fattest click track you can put on a 120bpm for the next 20 minutes, with high pass filter randomly placed on the track

[baconlettucetomatoeggs]

so my imouto's ukulele was slowly disintegrating.

so here are some few tips and tricks from a beginner guitarist about how to take care of your guitars!

take care of your guitars

essentially my imouto's ukulele was, essentially in bad shape! there werent much supports for it, it's so sensitive it's like a fucking violin. worse is that the panels for the body were disintegrating from all the playing it has

normally a lifetime of a fresh guitar was around 5 years or so. this is for cheapo ones. let's see...

the plastic strips of the side of the guitar was really broken now, we just blu-tack'd it so it looks fine. it needs to be fixed as well. that;s simple. nothing like a good non-sag epoxy would fix.

the guitar bridge (where you insert the strings) also show some sign of damage as well, being risen like several tenths of milimeters now. no bother, nothing like a good wood glue and vise to fix issues like that

because the panels are disintegrating, the neck (the twisty bits to tune the guitar) were also showing minimal sign of damage. no bother, luthiers add a piece of bamboo wood to fill the holes and screw it back again. in my case, non-sag epoxy to the rescue!

i also wanna give it a new paintjob, but this is imouto's guitar, not mine. so idk.

i also wanna add an active amplifier somewhere so i can hook it up to record and shit. that's relatively expensive.

i hope i can do shit about that goshdarn guitar. but for now slack off the strings. my hands are bleeding from the last time i played it.

[baconlettucetomatoeggs]

oeuf sans organes

[baconlettucetomatoeggs]

tbh kind of jealous that everyone were having fun with their peeps and stuff.

to even have the strive and free time to do what you were planning to do

to love someone and be comfy with other people.

i feel like i'm just an extra, an NPC, in my own story. it's insne.

im even thinking i dont even deserve <insert good thing> because of the sins i do. i still think about my ex, which is kinda petty.

then now i know why: they're better than me in all aspects. and i cant reach them. they're my ideal. and i hate myself even more.

i just cant do things i enjoy anymore. i really cant. that's fine, i can find another one

or maybe not. like chizuru said on the story: wait until your high school ends. i just want them to talk to me more. it is kind of bland to wait for a reply that would not come until you join the voice calls.

they're tired from their talks and works. it's best not to bother them.

mi esperis ke mi ne eksistis, eksistas, kaj eksistos. cxu estas malbonan esperon?

[baconlettucetomatoeggs]

so i woke up with thenews about jovit baldivino. while this is not the point of this discussion, it revealed to me a weird memory of mine: my grandpa's stroke.

many have told me i was selfish, even neglectful, and that's pretty pretty much the truth. i rather be in my own devices with friends around me instead of people to get closer more; romanticism wasnt really in my repertoire and i keep and keep on missing that fact

*i left my grandpa in the bathroom for several minutes because i was outside pondering the flowers*

i really hate this part of myself and i hope my people would forgive me for being one. one at a time. yet y'all so many. 3. 5. crowds.

yes, i'm tell all these excuses (wanna read a book, sleeping, family moving out) but looking at your phone isnt much of a trouble, right?

sure i can talk about my daily escapisms and shying away but you're talking to someone right now, intensely in fact

sure you can talk about your feelings but everything you feel right now was contradictory from what you feel now

honestly this is why in IRL i resigned having romantic (hell, any) relationships altogether.

i'm sorry everyone.

[baconlettucetomatoeggs]

i cant believe there's worse spite than my "doing this out of spite" ...out of this worse spite, imma wanna read discipline and punishment by foucault

[baconlettucetomatoeggs]

day 3: officially on hiatus and answer some nagging questions in my head

ante script: i hope my partner wont see this. so, after some self deliberation i actually forgot that i dont even wanna talk about programming since 2020 and now i found myself in the same situation where i do the thing i supposed to like but just dredges up sickening insecurities of mine.

so for now i'm gonna shelve this idea for an indefinite (but not long; i'm desperate) time. so some addenums and shit

i made a some errors in my day 0 statement and it needs to be corrected! well i'll gonna make a lot of mistakes here and there so, let's see! - turns out pspdev works on linux only! even in their github page it asks you to do WSL if you're working on windows so then wtf is this psptoolkit that was suggested on this issue page has .exe??? it's on cygwin. it's complicated for my simple brain to have. - also i mistaken it calling psp-dev and psptoolkit like so confusing.

...idk why but there's this question that nags me this whole week

fear. just plain old fear. fear and unwillingness to learn again. the same struggle when i read an AI book on LISP and nowadays everyone was coding in python for that.

i thought i havent answered it but i did in Day 0! i just dont wanna reiterate that. kinda clunky!

also there's another! bookr's base code is on c/c++. i can retranslate if i wanna start from scratch but heck no.

so idk >< see ya next time?

i really need to re-setup the whole thingy on linux. reinstall an IDE, reinstall toolkit. i'm just lazy, i just wanna read a book TT

im insecure again lol. this is pretty bad.