bad-luck-again

[bad-luck-again]

We've both been hurt by others before. Trusting is hard but I can honestly say I trust you more than I've ever trusted anyone. I didn't expect to fall for you this quickly. I knew pretty quickly that I loved you but I am not one to say it right away, out of fear but then you whispered it into my ear and I've been yours ever sense.

To everyone reading this wait. Wait for the one that makes you feel special. Wait for the one you can ACTUALLY tell anything to. Wait for the one that you can't wait to see. Wait for the one you know you can be with, and live with, and grow with.

I love you @agt-mothman

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Book Club | Arkells

then you give me one, another you just finished you’re my library, always open for business

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My Fears.

I used to be fearless. After all we are all born without fear. Fear is learned. When I was a teenager I had no fear. The world was going to be mine. I met a girl, fell in love and began planning my life. When bad things happened they were only a challenge to be overcome.

Eventually and suddenly that changed. I witnessed a man die infront of me. The event sent me into a spiral down. I had some initial PTSD about it although this faded quickly it was replaced by some general anxiety all the time. My anxiety caused physical symptoms. I thought forsure I was dying. Well I didn't. After I hit the bottom I rebuilt myself. Forced myself to get a new job and go to school.

I recovered... Mostly.

On the average day of the average week I am fine but I am easier set off now. My fears stick with me instead of falling off like they used to.

When she left me something broke. Something I want desperately to fix inside me. I used to be able to just "know" I was loved. I can't do it anymore, not all the time atleast. I fall into these pits were I feel like those around me are pretending to care all because one person once upon a time told me that I was enough and that they would be there forever. I think with time this fear will subside and I think I have aligned myself with people who won't hurt me again. Trust is hard but I am learning to fight the fear.

[bad-luck-again]

A list.

1. Call of Cuthulu is getting exciting, can wait to run my game.

2. It's finally caming weather and after so long not camping due to C I R C U M S T A N C E S I could not be more excited to go.

3. I keep finding blue hairs all over my appartment and its kinda affordable. Thanks @agt-mothman <3

4. Feel like I've found enough work to pay for the summer so I wont have to go into irreversible debt.

5. Looking forward to a few things this summer: visiting Moths family out east, visiting my family, going to PAX as is tradition.

6. Ordered a bunch of stuff on redbubble im excited for Moth to see it but I am making her wait till her birthday 😈

7. @skeletaljazzwizard and her BF are visiting for the weekend so I am looking forward tongetting tge good food with them tomorrow out in Vancouver. Its going to be an early morning to make it to Bons before it gets busy 😩

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Incase you are curious of where my blog title comes from.

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Fix Me in Your Twilight Eyes

Can't sleep, lets talk series of tubes.

Am adjusting. Starting to become .... comfortable. Wasn't sure I'd feel like this ever again. I have the master bedroom in my new apartment. My room has a door that leads out onto the deck that is right at the foot of my bed. I can open the door at night and let the cool spring air roll in. The light from the street lamps casts sillouettes of tree branches on the wall above my bed. Sometimes im alone, other times Moth is here. Sometimes music or a podcast is on, other times its not. I bundle up under the covers and stare into the night sky. This forsure one of my favorite new things.

Summer is almost here, its exam week, excited to wrap that up and get on with it. Looking back on this time last year my life is so different... After exams I took a trip to the island. I remember sitting on the beach alone. Everyone else had gone inside to the cabin as it was a bit cold out. I watched the sunset alone and headed inside.

That moment on the beach was one of the coolest moments of last year and it belonged to me and no one else. In the past year I have grown so much from who I was. I thought things were going one direction but then life had other plans. These plans would set me on a new track, a track that probably has more twists and turns but a more rewarding. Departing from that life allowed me to take a look at who I was and decide I needed to live more for me and that I wasn't going to settle for someone who didn't understand who I was or who I needed to be.

I now have a clearer idea of who I am and who I want to become.

I am looking forward to seeing the east coast a bit this summer. I've never been very far east so I am very excited. I form strong attachments to certain places and from what I hear about the place we are going, I have a feeling I will love it.

Moth and I have other big plans for the Summer I wanted to talk about in this post but I am finally starting to fall asleep so it will need to wait for the next one.

If anyone out there is reading my ramblings, you are awesome, goodnight.

[bad-luck-again]

And when I’m gone, do you think about me? When you dream, do I make the screen? And this love came so easily Can you see it shining there up on the marquee?

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Can’t Sleep, So I’ll write instead.

The end of the semester approaches like a 1000 tonne train acting solely under the force of inertia. Holyfuck has it been a semester.

I’ve healed so much since January. No more terrible dreams where I relive what happened again and again. When I started this blog I was still working out the last of my feelings for Alice and I was very lonely but that’s not the case any longer. I don’t think I need to mention Alice anymore so if you were hoping for more regarding her I will not be mentioning her again except maybe if I run out new things to write about and I feel like telling a story from my past.

Alright so there’s this thing I’ve noticed I tend to do. Maybe others do it to and it probably has a name but here it goes. I tend to split my life into various eras. This helps me comparmentilize not only my feelings but who I was and how I felt during a certain period. These eras are hard to describe other than with a collection of sights, sounds and concepts like a mental mood board. I can also usually tell when one of these eras is starting and ending. Some eras are larger than others lasting anywhere between a couple months and several years. Sometimes these eras also encompass several others eras.

The point is I feel like this is the end of an era in my life. A major one. An era that started roughly 10 years ago. The spring of 2008 is when I would say I became a teenager. I moved to the power mainland and began looking for who I was. This journey took me through 5 cities, 4 girlfriends, atleast 3 really terrible events (sure I will write about those later), countless episodes and break downs and of course the beginning, middle, and end of my longest lasting relationship. But all that feels like it’s over. It’s time to start a new chapter starting with this summer as the prologue and am I ever looking forward to it.

…. As soon as this fucking semester ends and holy shit has it been the toughest one yet.

Ohh, and I got a tattoo. It’s based on The Rural Alberta Advantage crest with a bit of BC flair. I wasn’t really planning to get a tattoo there until I had graduated but hey “fuck it”. Their music has gotten me through some very hard times and of course the Canadian imagery reminds me of where I grew up and this beautiful country we live in.

https://open.spotify.com/track/4J1UuCYL9OJDESWXYGmICF?si=pWp1m5m0RZmXn4msJahk_g

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Good Riddance

Today I was alerted to the fact Alice has blocked me on Facebook along with a handful of my friends. Not sure what she has to be salty about other than Moth but if its my happiness that's what's bothering her then byeeeeeee.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGe_Sluth3A

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And then some.

Last night went infinitly better than I could have expected. Played our rock night show and then Madi and I went back to my place for some drinks. I think I may have mixed them a little strong, oops.

We talked a lot. Turns out she has been feeling a lot of the very same thing's I'd been feeling. At one point she called me perfect even though I know she's the only perfect one.

Her friend Bailey appearently called this months ago and I'm making her buy my lottery tickets now. No one saw this coming, including us. Nothing ever feels forced with her it just feels right, like this was meant to happen all along, like everything we have been through will be worth it.

The L word was spoken. I couldn't be more relieved. Thought forsure I would say it first but when it came out of her mouth it made me melt in a way I haven't in a long time.

I love you @agt-mothman ❤️

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Crawling Through The Window

I'm wiped. In all meanings of the world. Not only has moving made me physically so damn tired but I'm emotionally wiped too. Something about having to get used to my new home has me off. I have zero physical drive to unpack right now but I kinda just want to get it done so this place can start feeling a little more like home.

My Dad has been visiting for the past few days to help me move. I'm super greatful he came down. When he left it got a little emotional. It's probably been 8 years or so since we spent so much time together working on something.

Now that I'm here I do feel a sense of accomplishment in getting the old place all cleaned up but I can't shake this strange feeling for some reason. Ohh well, tomorrow is a new day.

[bad-luck-again]

404: Fucks Not Found

I saw Alice today for the first time since she left. It didn't feel like I thought it would. I've ran this moment over in my head many times since we split. I assumed I would be upset, I wasn't. I assumed I would have a panic attack, I didn't. We crossed paths and that was it, like strangers. I'm 100% out of fucks to give for her, and that makes me happy.

I'm building my own life now.

C'est la vie.

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February Winds

The winds of change are at it again. February is not usually a lucky time of year for me. When I first got hit with my initial bout of major anxiety it all started in February. Last February was really when Alice & I started to drift apart. I recall buying her a stuffed dog with a heart for Valentine’s day. For months she told me she would take it home with her but it never ended up happening. Instead when we split I was left with this stupid stuffed animal that did nothing but make me angry. When I packed up all her stuff I made sure to stuff it in the same bag with her vibrators and all that and I covered it all in clothes. In the end she probably tossed it but at the very least I hope it made her think about how she had treated me. Last February is also when I stopped talking to my brother after a fight over some political thing. Never really saw that side of him before but I guess we all get the shaft eventually from him. I think we will reconnect eventually when he’s ready.

This February is also full of changes just like the ones preceding it, except this time it’s different. I was asked to move at the beginning of the month. They gave me until may but fuck that noise. I began looking for a roommate and my friend Micah offered to get a place with me so I began looking. Appartment hunting around here kinda sucks. It’s super competitive and the prices are a lot higher than they were when I began renting here. Found a beautiful condo and went to talk to Micah about it and he had since changed his mind. After informing the landlord of this he offered to pair me up with someone who wanted the other room and I agreed. Although I will only have a room my new room is massive, has 2 big closets, ensuite bathroom and a door to the patio so at the end of the day I am pretty excited to move in.

This year the February winds have brought me something good, amazingly good in fact. Maybe my parcel got mixed up with John down the street who usually has a good February. This comes in the form of Madi.

Madi and I have known each other for a while actually. We took a networking class together in our first year at school. I remember walking into class and seeing her there. She had black hair, glasses on over her moss green hazel eyes, and a cute little dress covered in batman logos. At this point I may have formed a small crush on her but I was with Alice so I wasn’t about to act on anything. Still she seemed really cool so I sat somewhat near her in hopes that she would talk to me and I might get to know her. Over the next couple years we became pretty good friends at least at school. We sat together in classes, helped each other through tough programming assignments, bitched about professors and shared stupid memes.

Last semester after I had gone through my initial shock of being single for the first time in 5ever I began to crush on Madi again. I learned eventually she was dating someone. I promptly tried my hardest to move her back to my mental friendzone, not sure it really worked though.

On Christmas eve I remembered I was on an overnight bus trip to make it to my dads for Christmas. Madi was one of the only ones up at that time so given that I cannot sleep on busses I decided to message her. We got to talking a bit and shared a bunch of music with each other. Turns out we hard a lot of the same genres but she we into some really cool stuff I hadn’t heard.

In the couple months since then we have talked pretty regularly including having class together 3 days a week. I began falling for her again, and pretty damn hard this time but again she was still dating her boyfriend and I would never get in the way of that.

A couple of weeks ago they broke up. He did the same bullshit Alice did to me. I comforted her, told her about everything Alice did and told her how I worked through it. After the initial shock Madi seemed fine. It seems things had been on the rocks for a bit. We began talking even more. Late into the night every night about all sorts of things. I love talking to her. She always has something interesting or funny to say which is something I don’t find with just anyone. The other day we got on the topic of flirting and I was pretty sure I needed to make the first move.

We have this theory we had been discussing lately known as the “Fuck It Adjustment”. Basically when ever you have something you are stressed about sometimes you just have to say fuck it. Shout out to game grumps by the way for coining the term. At first I considered playing the safe card and asking her friend Bailey about if it was possible she liked me but I decided “fuck it”. I told her I liked her and waited for a response. After the most stressful 30 seconds ever she responded and let me know she liked me to. I was over the moon. As it turns out she had simular feelings, all the way back in that networking class 2 years ago.

Two days ago I officially asked her out, and last night we told our family and friends. It’s been a real road leading to this point but it feels right. Madi is someone I see a real future with, a future I am super excited about now, and I think she is too. Let’s do this, together.

@agt-mothman ❤️

[bad-luck-again]

The Last Summer

It was early August. We flew in to visit her grandparents. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. Whitehorse isn’t exactly the first place people think to go on vacation but her grandparents got free airline tickets through some sort of stock options they have owned since 19 something something so I was happy to tag along.

Alice and I had recently celebrated our 7 year anniversary. At 22 this was a huge accomplishment. Over our years together we shared many trips. I traveled with her and her family all sorts of places; Hollywood (twice), Vegas, Seattle, Santa Cruz. Her family we incredible to me and ever since my family moved away, I very much considered them my own. These trips always stuck in my mind as highlights in my life but Whitehorse was something else altogether.

On the way In in the plane I recall looking out over the forests of northern BC and the southern Yukon listening to my chill summer playlist, that’s when I first saw the city. The city of Whitehorse is home to only about 25,000 people and as such has a small town feel. Over the course of a few days, we explored the town and nearby areas often taking part in what we liked to call reality tours where her parents would tell us some story about some location they hung out at back in the late 80’s.

Whitehorse it’s self is just a pretty typical small town with some tourist flair but the quaintness of the city combined with the surrounding untouched forests and trees made the place pretty damn beautiful. We visited places like Miles Canyon where the blue crystal Yukon River slices through the basalt hills of the Yukon Valley and the Takhini Hot springs which felt like it hadn’t been renovated since 1960 but I the best way possible.

We visited her grandparents and I got to know them a little better. Her grandfather, in particular, was a real standup guy. I heard a few stories from Alice’s father about his dad that made him seem almost angelic in nature but meeting him I understood why. Not a mean bone in the man’s body. I had recently started a collection of old license plates. I saw a set of really cool gold Yukon plates on Alice’s fathers shop wall so when we visited I knew I had to find a pair. I met up with a guy from craigslist to buy a couple and it turns out he had apprenticed under Alice’s grandfather. He spoke the same sorts of good will I had heard from everyone else and although he wasn’t related to me I took a sense of pride knowing that I could even share what I considered family with such a well-regarded man.

I met her aunt and uncle. Her uncle wouldn’t stop feeding me food and rum and coke after rum and coke. Alice didn’t want to drink around her parents ever, especially her father but I took her uncle up on his offer and had a few drinks. Again I was taken a back by the kindness of a man I had just met.

The Yukon is often called The Land Of The Midnight Sun. At this time of year the sun never truly leaves the sky till about 11:30. As someone who is also a bit of a night owl this messed with me greatly. This combined with the hot summer air and lack of AC in her grandparent's condo made sleeping hard. I remember laying next to Alice and running my fingers through her hair for hours on end trying to sleep. It’s during moments like these my mind would run. I recalled a conversation I had with my mother a couple months prior where I discussed borrowing some money from her to buy Alice a ring. During one of these sleepless nights next to Alice in this hot condo in Whitehorse, I think I finally made the decision that I was going to ask Alice to marry me.

These stories, locations, songs, feelings, and people have been ever combined in my mind to form one of the greatest experiences of my life. A few weeks after we got back from Whitehorse I went on my yearly trip with some friends to a nearby convention. Alice never liked it when I would leave her to go to these things but these conventions weren’t really her cup of tea so she would never come. Halfway through the convention, Alice began acting weird. I passed it off as he finally just accepting that I would be home soon and continued to enjoy the convention.

When I got home I sensed something was wrong in the way Alice was acting. She told me she didn’t know who she was anymore and that we needed to take a break. It tore me up but I accepted it. With the summer coming to a close I spent my days out of mind hoping praying she would come back. She didn’t. The day after we split she confessed her feelings to one of my best friends and he took her up on it. I was devastated. It wasn’t like I hadn’t considered the fact that she might be forming feelings for him, I just trusted her and I trusted him. After 7 years, after I decided I was willing to commit my entire life to this one woman she stabbed me in the back.

Now I sit here months later with summer fast approaching looking back on the most bittersweet time of my life, wondering what this summer and the future holds for me.