badliar-withasaviourcomplex

[badliar-withasaviourcomplex]

Letterboxed Favourites

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she's in her mid-20s, real intelligent hedonistic with the gravel, drawing dead eyes you say she's anorexic, and you heard she likes when people say it think you already know her, but you don't

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Not to be that girl... but I knew Chappell Roan first

Okay so I didn't know Chappell Roan FIRST... BUT I knew her before she went viral and I have receipts!!!

The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess was released September 22, 2023. I added "Red Wine Supernova" to my playlist in the same week and saved the album in the same month.

October 26, 2023 at 9:32 AM: I texted my roommate recommending that she listen to The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess because she loves campy music.

October 26, 2023 at 3:37 PM: I posted an Instagram story with the song "California."

September 27, 2023: I showed my friends "Red Wine Supernova" and "HOT TO GO!"

November 3, 2023: I recommended the song "Femininomenon" to my friend because I thought he would like the lyric "get it hot like Papa John."

November 9, 2023: I recommended The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess to another friend because she would love the song "Casual." On April 10, 2024 she asked me if I had heard of a musician named Chappell Roan... I will never let her live it down!

November 10, 2023: I recommended The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess to another friend. I likened to album to a sad 2010's Lady Gaga.

When Chappell fist started to go viral I had five different people message me apologizing for not listening to me when I recommended her!

I was in the top 0.005% of "Red Wine Supernova" listeners in 2024.

Obviously I am NOT actually upset! I am NOT a music gatekeeper! I just think its funny that nobody listened to me when I said that Chappell Roan was awesome! Now Chappell Roan is a Grammy winning artist and I could not be happier!!!

[badliar-withasaviourcomplex]

Essays I Want to Write

I am currently in university and I have the attention span of a goldfish so I will probably never write these :(

My Year of Rest and Relaxation as a contemporary "classic" novel

New Romantics: Elements of Romanticism in Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers

[badliar-withasaviourcomplex]

number #1 best thing a girlprotagonist can be is a fucking terrible person and number #2 is a lesbian

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Random Additions to the Girls Guide to Being the Worst:

-Florence Pugh’s A Good Person original songs

-That 800 page Sylvia Plath biography you’ve been meaning to read but just haven't had the time

-Using BoJack Horseman Season 4 Diane Nguyen Girl Croosh-style listicle to express how quirky and different you are

-Sobbing uncontrollably to Fleabag on your parents’ couch because you came over to water their plants while they were out of town, but you got distracted

-Have ADHD, but not in the way that makes you hyperactive and annoying to others, but in the way that you can produce masterful levels of art because of a hyperfixation, and you make sure everyone knows thats how you do it 

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Some art that I really like! I took an art history class which is where I first saw most of these 💖

-The Young Martyr by Paul Delaroche

-The Execution of Lady Jane Grey by Paul Delaroche

-Ophila by John Everett Millais

-Moet & Chandon White Star Champagne by Alphonse Mucha (the name for this might be wrong, sorry)

-Portrait of a Young Woman in White by Jacques-Louis David

-An Illicit Letter by Vittorio Reggianini

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New additions:

-Put Your Records On- Corinne Bailey Rae

-Forsaken- Paris Paloma

-Dead Mom- Beetlejuice musical

-My Mother and I- Lucy Dacus

-$20- Boygenus

-Emily I'm Sorry- Boygenus

-True Blue- Boygenus

-Not Strong Enough- Boygenus

-When Will I Be Mine?- Hailey Orion

-Man- Quinne

-Class of 2013- Mitski

-Writer In The Dark- Lorde

-Every song from the album Midnights (it's so good!!)

-OMG- NewJeans

-Renegade- Taylor Swift

-Seven- Taylor

-Cardigan- Taylor

-Willow- Taylor

-I Hate Myself- Florence Pugh

-The Best Part- Florence Pugh

These are just ones that I'm super into right now, not necessarily new songs to me

Hoping there's no repeats because I didn't check lol

Playlist for Girls who are the Worst

I cannot enjoy things casually so here is a list of songs that I have made my entire personality 

-Mirrorball- Taylor Swift

-Graceland Too- Phoebe Bridgers

-Funeral- Phoebe

-Vonnegut Tea Party- Michelyn Fae

-Chinese Satellite- Phoebe

-Spring Day- BTS

-Answer: Love Myself- BTS

-I’m Fine- BTS

-Asthma Attack- Noah Finnce

-ICU- Phoebe

-We’ll Never Have Sex- Leith Ross

-Punisher- Phoebe

-The Poets- Michelyn Fae

-Georgia- Phoebe

-Last Great American Dynasty- Taylor

-Evermore- Taylor

-Afterglow- Taylor

-Presumably Dead Arm (617 Sessions)- Sidney Gish

-Summertime Sadness- Lana Del Rey

-Touch Tank- Quinnie

-Cruel Summer- Taylor

-Washing Machine Heart- Mitski

-Satellite- Harry Styles

-Matilda- Harry

-Paranoia Party- Frances Forever

-Gut Punch/Don’t Meet Your Idols

-Under The Table- Fiona Apple

-I Know The End- Phoebe

-Souvenir- Boygenius 

-Space Girl- Frances Forever 

-Killer- Phoebe

-Rät- Penelope Scott

-Nothing New- Taylor & Phoebe

-Dimple- BTS

-Waiting Room- Phoebe

-Sweet Hibiscus Tea- Penelope Scott

-This is Me Trying- Taylor

-Boys Will Be Boys- Miles McKenna 

-Christmas Song- Phoebe

-If I Die Young- The Band Perry

-Cowboy Like Me- Taylor

-Next of Kin- Lucy Dacus

-The Lakes- Taylor

-This Love (Taylor’s Version)- Taylor

-Chesapeake- Better Oblivion Community Center

-All Eyes On Me- Bo Burnham

-Walls Could Talk- Halsey

-Bog Boyz- LJ Mercer

-KAZINO- BIBI

-Carolina- Taylor

-Motion Sickness- Phoebe

-Champagne Problems- Taylor

-Let Go- BTS

-Boys Will Be Bugs- Cavetown

-Serotonin- Girl in Red

-Garden Song- Phoebe

-Would You Rather- Phoebe

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"I can fix her" and this is her

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november mood

permanent mood

[badliar-withasaviourcomplex]

Acknowledging my Sad Girl Roots

/nsrs (mostly)

Being a self proclaimed Sad Girl, I would be remiss not acknowledge my roots. Before new(er) Sad Girls like Phoebe Bridgers, Mitski, and Taylor Swift (Folklore and Evermore era) there is a vast history of musical Sad Girl ancestors. Lana Del Rey is an absolute icon who, despite her problematic shortcomings, helped forage the path to modern day Sad Girl culture. “Summertime Sadness” was an instant classic that reminds people that Sad Girls have seasonal depression all year long. In 2015 Halsey released Badlands which along with contributing to the Sad Girl genre, brought about a whole new generation of smokers. The dark grey 1950s inspired heroine chic-esque aesthetic was ideal for romanizing mental illness. Indeed, the album is angsty, emotional, and acts as the perfect agar to breed the bacteria that is the Sad Girl. 

Personally, my first taste of the Sad Girl experience was from the popularity of The Band Perry’s “If I Die Young.” One listen on the radio and I was hooked. Unfortunately it was 2010, Spotify was not yet a thing, and I was eight-years-old (and stupid) so I was unable to continue my journey into Sad Girl-dom. When I was thirteen I was introduced to Halsey and at first her “dark” lyrics scared me but eventually I grew to love her and this is when I truly began my journey into the Sad Girl lifestyle. Taking a brief detour into Kpop from 2018-2021/the present (sometimes I still partake), I eventually got to where I am today. I am now a very Sad Girly who is hopelessly addicted to Phoebe Bridgers and has read The Bell Jar seven times. Is the Sad Girl lifestyle a healthy one? Almost definitely not. However, it is my lifestyle and I like it so...

[badliar-withasaviourcomplex]

18° Celsius

It was late July, 18° Celsius, 12:59 in the morning, and I lay awake.

In my parents house on the old loft floor mattress stay I under a stiff, scratchy hand-made quilt despite the unbearable heat. I lay awake. Out the window a small light flickers in two-second intervals from the land across the bay. My parents have an ocean front property. I count the flashes. One, two, three, four, five... I lay awake. From inside the house, a faint glow from a downstairs light casts a gray shadow upon the loft. I lay awake. On my back, on my side, on my stomach. Not tired nor sleepy. Not happy nor sad. I feel nothing as I lay awake. I am a girl awake. A girl who is thinking and counting and observing and I am awake. I am so very awake.

It is late July, 18° Celsius, 1:06 in the morning, and I am awake.

[badliar-withasaviourcomplex]

My Year of Rest and Relaxation mood board

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ADAesthetics: Having an Aesthetic with ADHD

Cottage core, grudge, soft girl, and dark academia are only a few of the thousands of niche aesthetics one can partake in with only a little dedication, and a lot of disposable income. Modern fast fashion makes embodying an aesthetic is as easy as scrolling through Tik Tok for twelve hours straight. Not to sound overly cynical but I am fucking tired of aesthetics and yet... All I want is to find my aesthetic. One that makes me feel comfortable in my body, one that makes me feel like I can take on the world. 

Does anyone else feel like the moment you find an aesthetic and think this, this is the one for me, you learn about a different one that peaks your interest even more and immediately abandon the former. Recently I learned about the aesthetic ✨Croquette✨ and I was infatuated. I mean, not only does it have interesting origins, it has a classy light and feminine colour pallet which I love. So, I learn about this new aesthetic and immediately I begin to imagine outfits in my mind, fantasizing about looks with tops and dresses that I do not even own. And here comes in my main issue. It is impossible for my closet to keep up with my mind as it quickly shuffles through whatever aesthetics I find desirable at the moment. People with ADHD are dopamine deficient so we are always chasing  anything that provides us with even a crumb of dopamine. For me, aesthetics fulfil this. The act of finding a new aesthetic and planning out my life within it provides me with the dopamine my brain so desperately craves. 

So it’s all good then. Aesthetics make me happy so there is no problem, right? No. After becoming obsessed with an aesthetic and planning the outfits comes the time when I realize that I do not have the resources to live within that aesthetic. I almost experience a depressive episode from this. I cannot properly verbalize how badly I want to have an interesting wardrobe but for whatever reason I cannot. And it is not without lack of trying! When I find a new aesthetic I want to embody I go shopping as soon as possible, desperately searching for pieces that will help me achieve the aesthetic. But, for both financial reasons and ethical reasons, I choose to shop primarily at consignment or thrift shops and I rarely online shop. This makes it more difficult to find the specific items I want, leading to the aforementioned depressive episode.

The concept of “the tyranny of choice” basically states that with modern capitalism has provided consumers with two many options, adding stress rather than alleviating it. There are countless aesthetics available and, with internet communities, new ones are developing constantly. The options are, quite frankly, overwhelming. As a girly with ADHD, I feel these effects tenfold. Now, I am not a specialist so do not take this as fact but, I feel as though my ADHD makes decision making more difficult than it is for a neurotypical people. As such, when confronted with picking an aesthetic, which is something that involves overwhelming choice, I shut down. I begin to think what if I make the wrong decision. In her iconic novel The Bell Jar, Sylva Plath, or rather her character Ester Greenwood, discusses how she feels each decision or path is like a fig at the end of a branch that she must reach out and pick. But as she struggles to decide which fig to choose, or rather which path to take, the figs shrivel and die because she waited too long. This is how I feel with picking an aesthetic. Though aesthetics do not have a time limit, there seems to be a sort-of artificial time crunch associated with choosing. Indeed, on social media you see perfectly polished people sporting interesting and cohesive outfits that perfectly match their home decor, music, etc. These people seem so successful. These people seem so happy. I want that. And though, perhaps deep down, I am cognizant of the fact that this is all an act, I still feel inferior. I still want what these people have. I want it.

Though incredibly superficial, having a set aesthetic is something I have strived for since I watched my first lifestyle YouTuber at age twelve. I have tirelessly waffled between emo, sad girl, and cottage core countless times and I always downward spiral with each failed half-assed attempt. This trivial fixation on finding, and sticking to, an aesthetic is one I do not see ending soon. I fear failing once again but crave the dopamine much more. ADHD has many impacts on my life, ones that are definitely more significant than this, but still I sit here, writing about how I cannot find my aesthetic.

[badliar-withasaviourcomplex]

Playlist for Girls who are the Worst

I cannot enjoy things casually so here is a list of songs that I have made my entire personality 

-Mirrorball- Taylor Swift

-Graceland Too- Phoebe Bridgers

-Funeral- Phoebe

-Vonnegut Tea Party- Michelyn Fae

-Chinese Satellite- Phoebe

-Spring Day- BTS

-Answer: Love Myself- BTS

-I’m Fine- BTS

-Asthma Attack- Noah Finnce

-ICU- Phoebe

-We’ll Never Have Sex- Leith Ross

-Punisher- Phoebe

-The Poets- Michelyn Fae

-Georgia- Phoebe

-Last Great American Dynasty- Taylor

-Evermore- Taylor

-Afterglow- Taylor

-Presumably Dead Arm (617 Sessions)- Sidney Gish

-Summertime Sadness- Lana Del Rey

-Touch Tank- Quinnie

-Cruel Summer- Taylor

-Washing Machine Heart- Mitski

-Satellite- Harry Styles

-Matilda- Harry

-Paranoia Party- Frances Forever

-Gut Punch/Don’t Meet Your Idols

-Under The Table- Fiona Apple

-I Know The End- Phoebe

-Souvenir- Boygenius 

-Space Girl- Frances Forever 

-Killer- Phoebe

-Rät- Penelope Scott

-Nothing New- Taylor & Phoebe

-Dimple- BTS

-Waiting Room- Phoebe

-Sweet Hibiscus Tea- Penelope Scott

-This is Me Trying- Taylor

-Boys Will Be Boys- Miles McKenna 

-Christmas Song- Phoebe

-If I Die Young- The Band Perry

-Cowboy Like Me- Taylor

-Next of Kin- Lucy Dacus

-The Lakes- Taylor

-This Love (Taylor’s Version)- Taylor

-Chesapeake- Better Oblivion Community Center

-All Eyes On Me- Bo Burnham

-Walls Could Talk- Halsey

-Bog Boyz- LJ Mercer

-KAZINO- BIBI

-Carolina- Taylor

-Motion Sickness- Phoebe

-Champagne Problems- Taylor

-Let Go- BTS

-Boys Will Be Bugs- Cavetown

-Serotonin- Girl in Red

-Garden Song- Phoebe

-Would You Rather- Phoebe

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Must Likes in Order to be as Obnoxious as Me

I recognize that some of these things are problematic but I am a strong believer in enjoying things while also acknowledging the problems.

Books: I act like I read a lot but I am a full time student in the Humanities so I have little free time for pleasure reading. Despite this, I always carry a book with me but I use a standard size Fjällräven backpack so the book must be small. Here is a non-exhaustive list of my must reads (because they fit in my backpack)                    

-The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath- This is my all time favourite book 

-My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh 

-Call Me by Your Name by André Aciman 

-Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

-Perks off Being a Wallflower

-A Vindication of the Rights of Women by Mary Wollstonecraft

-The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman (this is a short story)

Movies/ TV shows: I do not watch a lot of movies because I have the attention span of a goldfish but here is a short list of ones that I enjoy.

-Marie Antoinette- ALL TIME FAVORITE

-Thelma and Louise- Definitely one of my all time favourites

-But i’m a Cheerleader- Also a top pick

-Little Women (2019)- The costumes in the 94 version are better but this one has Timothee Chalamet so...

-Fleabag- Top tear TV show

-Bojack Horseman

-Call Me by Your Name

-Dead Poets Society 

-The Grand Budapest Hotel

-Perks of Being a Wallflower

-Fantastic Mr. Fox

-Edward Scissor Hands

-Lady Bird

-Little Women (1994)

-Beautiful Boy

-Emma (2020)

-I am also obsessed with Marvel, but clearly I have a specific vibe going on here so I’m not going to talk about that rn

Musicians: I am aware that my favourite artists are not niche, but despite this knowledge, I am incredibly pretentious about them.

-Taylor Swift- I was in her top 0.01% of Spotify listeners in 2021

-Phoebe Bridgers

-Michelyn Fae

-BTS- I am obsessed with these boys and its unfortunate only because it breaks up the aesthetic I’ve got going on

-Bo Burnham

-Boygeneus

Songs: I think I will just make a dedicated playlist post because the list is too long

Miscellaneous:

-Rayne Fisher-Quann

-Annotating books

This list is non exhaustive and subject to change/additions