bae-yacht-trees

[bae-yacht-trees]

Little Update: pt.3

I have adapted the life here in abroad. I get to read the situation, the people, and the environment. My current struggle is my career. I don't want to stay anymore with my job, which I once prayed for. I've been seeking other jobs. I got interviewed, but no call-backs. I've been putting my faith in God's plan for my career. It's so cute, as I was asking a clear sign from God, he always answers me. He would send a message through my TikTok. His main point is for me to wait, as He wants me to prepare for the new opportunity He is giving me. Now is not the right time as I will turn 1 year in the next 2 months, so there would be no issue if I change career. Or this is what I just say so I can keep going on. However, I'm still bothered.

[bae-yacht-trees]

Little Update: pt.2

The year 2024 went by so fast. I did enjoy some days, got new experiences, and got familiar with the environment. 2025 came, and suddenly, some unfortunate news was received, and we needed to move out of our place (by our greedy LL). We were heartbroken with the news, however, we didn't expect that this was a great plot twist with our situation. We have found a new apartment which is convenient to our work place. It was a fresh start for us. Discovering the bus routes for whichever is convenient, our schedules, and our morning routines. And finally, we got it all figured out. So far. No more wasting 4 hours commute. Finally got extra time to spare for the day. However, I'm still not satisfied.

[bae-yacht-trees]

Little update:

Forced to make a big life decision - moved to another country and started "a life". I was blessed to have found a job in 2 weeks, the moment I arrived. I was excited in the first 2 months, but at the same time, exhausted with the routine. Every day 4-hour commute. Not a big deal, but that's 4 hours of my life wasted just for sitting and travelling. I got to the point that I'm so burned out, as I only have 1 day off. It's not what I'm used to, but I've got no choice. I've been trying to appreciate all the little things, trying to make life slow-paced and enjoy each moment, but who are we kidding? I'm like a robot in the new city with no life. No friends. It's getting really lonely, even though I'm with my family. I'm trying, I swear. Doing my best to produce a lot of dopamine, but I don't get why I'm like this. I'm self-aware, trying out different things so I can enjoy and be alive again. However, no.

[bae-yacht-trees]

How does it really feel to be empty? I always thought that being empty meant feeling nothing, unbothered, and numb, but why does it feel the other way around? I am so full of emotions, pain, sadness, and unvalued. Never did I think that being empty could be so full. What an irony.

[bae-yacht-trees]

Outcasted

Seeing photos on my timeline, realizing that I’m outcasted is so excruciating. Especially when its from your relative. Like you know that feeling that yes, they understand you, you are in the right, you are wronged by their sister, and yet, they told you that you should be the bigger person even though she’s the older one. I mean, I guess, maturity is never in the age. But then, like they keep telling they’re on your side but never actually stood up for you? You know how that feels? I kept telling myself to just let them be. But sometimes, I cant help myself but feel getting hurt.

I guess they are just the adult bullies on the real world. Like I mean yes you get bullied at school but at least they get consequences. But in this world, they don’t. They just get away with it because of money and for the “peace of mind”. I’m very aware that they are not good for myself, mentally and emotionally, but I grew up with them. It’s so hard to detach and also knowing that they were my close relative before.

I wonder what I did to deserve this. I fought for what I thought was right, but why I ended being the outcast. I don’t wish that the same thing would happened to them but it’s just that, why don’t they teach her a lesson so she would learn and understand then she’d stop being a manipulative narcissistic bitch. Is it that hard?? Because of toleration, that’s what they get. Ugh.

The life I don’t deserve.

[bae-yacht-trees]

what is my real purpose in life?

I’ve been working for 9 months in my first job, and one day I took a break to cleanse my mental state, then I realized, Do I live just to work? I work so that I could survive? When will I experience stuffs? My salary is X, my expenses is also X? like how?

After that, I’ve been thinking of my future lately. The life I want. I want to live an adventurous life but then money hinders me from doing so. As I try to think about, If i spend what I earn for travels, I’d have no savings but at least I’ll have a life. Then that would mean if I live alone. 

Hmmmmm. So I guess I’d just have to look for another job that would suffice the lifestyle I want.  -- so this post is all about how the beauty of the brain works. 

[bae-yacht-trees]

Tomorrow is mother’s day, I’m home alone and I don’t feel like going out either.

(via bae-yacht-trees)

a year later, Im stuck in the same situation. May 14, 2023. Mother’s day. The day where I don’t feel anything at all. 

[bae-yacht-trees]

Life lately,

So depressing.

[bae-yacht-trees]

Tomorrow is mother's day, I'm home alone and I don't feel like going out either.

[bae-yacht-trees]

Turning 23

Let’s just say my born day this 2022 is not such a good day, It’s a day when all establishments closed down because of the holy week. It’s the firs time of me celebrating having someone in my life and I couldn’t get to spend it properly. I know I sound like egocentric or whatsoever, but it’s just that I just want special days to be special. But this year, gosh, it’s such a slap in the face. No celebrations, no special surprises, no family, no flexin on social media, nothin’. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating but that’s how it felt. I was very upset, but then I realized if I keep thinking it that way, then gosh, I am the saddest person ever. I tried to be contented with what happened that day, my father made an effort to cook, my bf, even though he didn’t get me flowers, he got me a gaming chair which I loved......... As I am typing this, I realize that this is the saddest birthday of my life. I am very upset. I guess if I want something done, I just have to do it by myself and not expect others to do it for me. Fvcking hate my life.

[bae-yacht-trees]

I guess the frustrating part of being in a relationship for the first time is if you think you deserve better or you just settle and be contented. I mean i don't have basis if this is right or wrong I just go with my gut feeling and heart strings.

[bae-yacht-trees]

when is my trial card in this relationship gonna end? I want to unsubscribe now

[bae-yacht-trees]

making healthy breakfast is soo much effort. no wonder im unhealthy

[bae-yacht-trees]

posting on tumblr makes me feel poetic and deep.

[bae-yacht-trees]

uhmm, how do I say this, I am truly, deeply, madly in love with this person right now. hehe said on yes on nov 22nd. My 2021 plot twist

What is this feeling?

I hate “love”, but not really “hate-hate” it, just I don’t really believe in it? I mean, I’ve witness a lot of failed love and that’s why I don’t expect me, to find true, genuine love. I’ve never had it, felt it, experienced it though, besides from my family and friends. 

I sometimes crave for love, but not because I want it, but because of the thought of love giving you butterflies, kisses on the forehead blablah. But now, there’s this one person who I rejected already, and writing this makes me feel cringe but I just want to let it out. He’s not my type and all but then he’s been showing me kindness and has been putting up with me with my bad sides. When he chats, I can’t help but smile, but the feeling that I still don’t like him is still there. I guess I’ve been independent for so long that I really don’t give a damn if he leaves or what. But I’m kind of curious at the same time but still I don’t want it. Gosh. I really need a therapist.

[bae-yacht-trees]

The epitome of insane

Story time, I have this relative and she’s the kind of aunt who’s manipulative, feeling righteous, hate liars but it’s okay for her to lie, goes to church but a very judgmental person, in short, she’s a walking epitome of insane. Okay, so we got fam probs and she keeps on meddling even though nobody asked for her thoughts or whatsoever and bcos of that my father (her brother) listened to the whisper of the snake (aka her) and made our issues bigger. Fast forward to present times, my family decided to be civil, and omg the audacity of this woman, idk what’s wrong with her but she’s mad at me for idk what’s her reason and i dont even plan on knowing. Like eerhhmm is u okaayy or somethin?? She has the nerves to gossip about me. IDGAF thoo. Our whole clan already knows what kind of “person” (idk if she’s one) she is. And that’s, the tea.

[bae-yacht-trees]

been out for quite a while and now i'm back. but still a same old mentally unstable bish only in a relationship now