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#BAESINGLE 2- IM DETERMINED..IMMA SURVIVOR ..IM GONNA RISE UP

#BAESINGLE 2-*note to self* Its been awhile...days like this..I have to keep reminding myself im indestructible.

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I Want this kind of love❤ #BAESINGLE 2

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#BaeSingle 1-Bae Married?

In todays society marriage is not perceived as important or sacred. It’s just looked as a tradition that people go through to receive the title as husband or wife. There is little or no emphasis on the fact that vows were taken and its an oath to God. My soon to be ex certainly had no reservations about smashing a chic with a wedding ring on and a wife at home. SMH. That’s a whole another story. I will one day share the horrors of his side chics.

Because of the lack of respect for marriage, men and women do not mind being labeled a side chick or dick. I am so confused by the acceptance of a person being content with second place or as an after thought. I always want to be #1 and win the prize. But despite my objections to settling to be an option there are many people who love the arrangement. Hell they even have women who are teaching other women how to be good side chics. No lie! I don’t judge but I don’t agree either.

I will not date a married man. No exception! I recent found out that sometimes people lie to all extremes about their martial status. Deep sigh! I met Mr Perfect a few months ago. I call him Mr Perfect because he definitely had all the qualities of husband material. He was hardworking, handsome, and good with those hands. Those hands tho! The perfect gentleman without any issues taking care of a woman. When we met he told me he been divorced for over a year. We spent alot of time getting to know one another. We had a good chemistry.

After a few months of dating, we decided to take it to the next level and introduce sex into the equation. He did not disappoint in the bedroom either. I knew I hit JACKPOT 💸!! Everything about us was perfect. I thought he might be the one! We took several weekend getaways. The entire situation seemed perfect! Until..his daughter had an event at school. He attended the event and sent me pictures of him and the kid. As I am in awe at his precious daughter but the next picture is of his daughter and ex wife. I don’t know if he intented to send it. Naturally as any women would do, I examined the ex. Okay she cute but pause!! Is she wearing a wedding ring? Yes a wedding ring. Oh hell nah. I know they live apart because I frequently spend the night at his house. Is he married is the question?

As soon as he called me, I asked if his ex remarried. He said no. I confronted him about the ring. He proceeds to tell me that they aren’t officially divorce. While I understand its a process to go through a divorce because mine isn’t officially final. But my divorce is filed and on the docket pending a court date. It’s over! I haven’t wore my wedding ring since the day I filed for a divorce. I am quite sure his ex is wearing that ring because he is giving her hopes of reconciliation. Thats how they string women along while playing the field. I was devasted. Well thats the irony in the situation he was really husband material alright, like someone elses real husband🙊. Mr Perfect turns out is Bae Married.

I don’t understand why did he lie to me. Yes, it may have been a deal breaker but why not let me decide for myself. I hate a liar because they are out to steal my reality. I am already recovering from a traumatic divorce and I would never entered a situation just to be hurt again. We never said the “L” word but it wasnt far away either. There were no signs or red flags that he was still married. He was a great pretender. At least the truth was brought to the light before I was in too deep. It’s definitely over between us no questions asked. He is a proven liar and cannot be trusted. When a person show you who they are BELIEVE it!!

While on this quest to love finding me, I have to be like the words of Mary J Blige.. Indestructible. I know love will find me and I can’t be too broken not to receive it when it comes. I will pick my heart up and keep on believing the perfect man for me will come to me when the time is right!

Have you given up hope believing your soul mate will find you?

#baesingle #middleageddating #baemarried

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#baesingle 1-All the Single Ladies👭

I’ve been single for the past year in a half and the single life isn’t as good as people make it. Some women make it like it’s the best thing since sliced bread. I begged to differ 😐. After being in a twelve year relationship, I know the benefits of companionship. Going through the breakup and divorce battle, I needed a life break. I decided to go on a Girls Trip. During the trip I realized we didn’t leave the men at home. I thought it was a Girls Trip! 😨 I am starting to believe most, not all, Girls Trip is code word for we don’t have a man so we taking this trip together. So a bunch of ladies, mostly single, rally together and embark on a getaway to let go of some life stress. Well suppose to be to let go of stress 😑 I had not been on a girls trip in over ten years.I quickly realized most of the ladies were constantly talking about men or even conveniently trying to bump into a man on the trip. WTF! How is it a Girls Trip when the topic or ideal of a man is the center of it?

As single ladies we can’t go a weekend without the mention of a man. And please don’t get on a cruise boat without a boyfriend, spouse, or lover because you will be constantly reminded of your single status. Most of the people on the boat were couples. Some of the women were looking at the group of single ladies side eyed. They held onto their man tight when we walked pass and giving us the look like bitch he is taken. We gave attitude back like girl chill out no one want your man! Slow your damn role! Just because I am here without a man doesn’t mean I want your man. I am a single lady by choice, I have options!

It was so bad, I found my thoughts drifting back to missing the companionship of a man on vacation. I had to reshift that thought and find some relaxation time alone from the girls. My goal for going on the trip was R&R (rest and relax)💆‍♀️. While it’s good to be single but for those of us who want to find love, let’s move forward from the negative past experiences. Girls Trips are good way to let go of the negative by refocusing on the positive by bonding with the ladies. But I have one request! Let’s not talk about men or try to find one on the trip! We can do that when we get home. 😉

A guy who works in a restaurant once told me, 9 out of 10 times whenever you see a group of women raising their glasses and toasting, most of them are single. I was confused and said so you saying only single ladies toast? He said no, but only single ladies toasts and cheers to finding a man or letting go of one. Point taken! So single ladies let’s toast to success or making this money! No more toasts about undeserving men. Lets take Girls Trips that’s soley about restoring our mind, body, and soul not focused our issues with men.

There is no shame in being a single lady. Most of us are striving to have a man put a ring on it 💍. For those women who are okay being single forever, that’s okay too! Whatever makes you happy. We should always focus on being the best us at all times. When our mind, body, and soul are in the right place, our energy is going to attract the right man. Keep the faith and let your beauty show and enjoy those Girls Trips to empower and uplift each other.

Why is it so hard for women in general to focus on ourselves?

#baesingle1 #middleageddating

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Baesingle #1-To Love Again 💗 or Not To Love💔?

To love again or not to love is the question that keeps haunting me. It seems like every guy I meet want to jump into an instant relationship. You would think after the horrors of my last relationship I would be excited to entertain a man who is serious about love. BUT I can’t find the courage to even give love a second chance 😟. I don’t know why I am so resistant to the chance to love again. It’s like the mere mention of love, relationship, or committment scares the HELL out of me. I shut down. My heart becomes cold as ice so no one can get in it.

Instead of committing to a man, I have focused on my career. I am using all of my energy to elevate my professional life. I think I am using my career as a scapegoat for my failed love life. I do have some form of companionship, his name is HardWorkingBae. HardWorkingBae is as focused on his business as I am on my career. He has no real interest on a relationship because his business is his wife. We see each other when we have a free moment mostly dinner dates once a week. Like me, we both are damaged goods, products of failed relationships. We bonded over money goals and cheating exs. I tell myself HardWorkingBae is the best option for me now because we understand each other and its no pressure. He is a good guy and I know he has my back if I need him. We entertain each other as needed.

Sometimes I think my love for my soon-to-be ex husband is preventing me from really moving on. Over the last few months we been talking almost everyday. It’s mostly general conversations because we were best friends. He said it’s building our friendship back. Why are we building a friendship again? Is he the reason why its so hard for me to love again? I do love him but I know our issues supersede love. Love is only one component in a relationship but not enough to keep together. Maybe I did let him go physically but not emotionally and that’s the reason I can’t love again. 💔

True love isn’t that easy to let go. I hope over time I will be ready to love again but just not right now. I was a wife for along time maybe it’s time for me not to be a label but be myself.

Women we give up so much to be in a relationship. Is it such a bad thing not to want to be love again? Or to deal with a man like HardWorkingBae with no strings attached?

#baesingle1 #middleagedating #lovehurts

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Baesingle# 1- Dating Must Haves

After a few failed dates I came up with five requirements or must haves that I need in a man. These requirements are non negotiable and a man won’t even be considered for a date if he don’t meet them. No questions asked. If you meet these requirements then we can date to determine if there is a chemistry to lead to more.

1. You must own a car. If you don’t have a car eventually you will want to drive mine or need rides from me. Oh no! 2. You must have your own apartment or house. You will not move in my house because I don’t shack up with men. If you give a man all the benefits of marriage without a ring, he won’t ever be motivated to give you one. 3. Employment is required.. job, career, or own a legitimate business! I am NOT putting anything in my name or cosigning for a man period but because he doesn’t have a job or credit. 4. You can’t have a bunch of kids and baby mothers. If you have 4 kids, 4 baby mothers KEEP IT MOVING BROTHER! That’s a clear sign you are a rolling stone and you are not responsible. It probably means you have a lot of child support payments too. 5. You must be ambitious. An ambitious man will never be content and will always be striving to elevate himself and his family. He will not be okay with failure.

A woman can not change a man. What you see in a man is what you get. I am not trying to change a man. You can’t raise a grown man!! Geesh.. these aren’t unreasonable requirements either! You would think these requirements would be standard for any man over 30 years old. WRONG! There are a lot of men out here dating with a shit load of issues. And they say women are the ones with a lot of issues! Ha!

Recently this guy I dated a few times said I was picky and arrogant. Ha! So having standards and not settling now means you are arrogant. No dude! It means you are not qualified to get my attention. Oh yea that was after I found out he didn’t have a car! Lol I am not perfect, far from it. BUT I won’t settle for anything less than what I know I deserve. I worked really hard to build a career, a home, and find happiness. I refuse to let any man walk in and reap the fruits of my labor without bringing anything to the table.

I want a man but don’t need one. I am alone but not lonely. I won’t accept any just man in my life. I AM GOLDEN and any man who wins my heart will be lucky to have me 😇. I am a good woman. Sorry but I don’t want just any man….I want a good man!

Why do women feel like we can change a man for the better? Do you rather be single than accepting a man who can’t offer you more than your current situation?

What are your dating requirements?

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NO MORE FREE PASSES FOR "POTENTIAL"-BAESINGLE #2

Okay I am back ...long long week already! First of all, although I love my beautiful men.. sometimes they give me a pressure so bad that I would go to jail for a night or two. I've learned that it's not them with the problem..it's me! When normally you meet a man whose really a boy (shade..i know) ...you look at the outer appearance first, how good he dress does he smell good, is his teeth straight , do he have money ...do he make you..well you know what Im saying. So with all that feel good .we make the biggest mistake that cost us everything sometimes. We say to ourselves "he has the potential" PLEASE!! I got the potential to be a heart surgeon but I feel weak every time I see blood ...not going to happen! So I say this, because we tend.. WE as in women.. tend to take the high road with a man that only have the potential and you never ever seen action or proof of what he could actually do. Then we get stuck with good penis and bad credit!! I'm just saying I'm guilty of it more than once. I had to learn that he would have to do it on his own. I could not control his life but now I'm a woman who knows what I want and what I don't want. If you don't have the things that I need.. please don't take it personal... this is really not about you.

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Baesingle#1-Forgiving the Perpetrator!

Forgiveness/forgive.  Forgive is defined as to stop feeling angry or resentment toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake (Webster Dictionary). Forgive is an action word.  To forgive an offender is easier said than done!  It’s not easy to let go of hurt and anger ESPECIALLY when you genuinely loved the offender.   How do I forgive my husband aka soon-to-be ex?

How do I forgive him? Forgive him for wasting 12 years of my life, betraying our marriage, and lying to me?  Forgive him for breaking my heart, making me cry, and violating your vows? Forgive him for all he did me.   No matter how civil I try to be, his voice and his arrogance makes me so mad.  How in the world can I find the strength to forgive the perpetrator…my husband!

The person I trusted most in the world violated me the worse.  I entertained the thought for weeks and tried everything to “try” to take actions to forgiving him.  I prayed. I mediated. I went to counseling.  I couldn’t find closure.  One day while listening to one of healing songs (Fantasia, Free Yourself), I realized the reason I couldn’t forgive my husband.  I couldn’t forgive him because I couldn’t forgive myself!

I was torturing myself day end and out.  I felt sorry for myself and made me the perpetrator! I blamed myself for allowing him to hurt me.  I criticized myself for loving him unconditional, for being loyal, and for marrying him.  When I finally acknowledge the issue, I looked in the mirror and said, “I forgive you girl.”  It’s not your fault all you did was be a wife who adored her husband.  You did nothing wrong!

Over the next weeks, I spoke love to myself.  I encouraged myself and put positive energy into the universe.  Over time, I started to be at peace with the situation.  Every time I had a negative thought about my marriage, I immediately replaced it with a positive one.  I reassured myself that my husband and I had a lot of great memories together.  I know he loved me but he made bad choices that ultimately damaged our marriage.  We were madly in love the day we married! He was truly my soul mate and I did everything I could to save us.  

The next time he called me, I immediately told him I forgive him. He was my best friend and he gave me life in some many ways. He taught me so much and I will always love him.  I don’t know the reason why God separated us. Maybe one day we will find our way back to each other or maybe we will find love somewhere else.  I now understand we may never reconcile the marriage and I am okay with it. Whatever the case, I know this separation has benefited me.  

I’ve learned to put myself first.  I became more focused on my career and progressing to the next level. It took me forgiving myself in order to forgive my perpetrator.  Think about the irony of that!  We have to let go of the hurt in order to move forward in life. Love yourself enough not to hold on to baggage.  If you hold onto the baggage your perpetrator will always win.  I’ve managed to find happiness, believe me you can too.   Don’t let yourself be your perpetrator!

Why do we let our past hold us back from finding happiness and love again?

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Plenty of Dead Fish-Baesingle#1

Ten dates, four men later and nothing! Online dating offers you every type of man you can imagine. Tall, short, bald, with or without beard, creepy, old, young. The options are endless! It’s definitely plenty of men online. But catching a decent man…well that’s another story!

Online dating is sort of like fishing. You have to bait them with cute pictures, catch them in your inbox, and if its not a good catch throw them back in the water and keep searching! Just like it’s plenty of fish in the water, it’s plenty of men online dating.

I am starting to feel like dating is hopeless! I been on a series of dates and I am not feeling a single connection to any of these guys. Not one of them make me what to backtrack on my 30 day or 7 dates rule. That’s a sign either I am emotional detached or these men just not stimulating me. I just feel like all I am doing is wasting my time and energy.

After a few weeks of serial dating, here is my assessment of the dating pool in ATL. Men in the early 30s want to have casual sex all the time. Most of them live off someone, doesn’t own a car and have no real career goals. Men in the mid 30s to late 30s are habitaul daters and seeking any form of companionship. They jump from bed to bed. They love girls, girls, girls! Men in the early 40s think they want a relationship but stuck in the mid life crisis of growing older versus staying young. They simply afraid to grow up! Smh. Men in the mid to late 40s want an instant wife!. They meet you like your style and recognize your ambition the next day they want to put a ring on it. 😵😠😳 Marriage?! Dude I don’t know you!! Can you first tell me at least your favorite color?

Geesh! I am already burnt out from dating and it’s only been a few weeks. I must confess one of the guys I dated had some good qualities. BUT I really think maybe I am the issue! 😨 I may not be as ready as I thought to introduce a full time bae in my life. I was in a relationship for so long that I neglected alot of my own needs. I spent so much time catering to my soon to be ex. Maybe this is the time I should focus more on myself.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I do need to be in the presence of a male companion and to cuddle from time to time. I think every once in a while a woman needs to be in the presence of a real man. As far as a relationship..I don’t think I am ready for a fulltime bae and apart of me misses my soon to be ex.

Am I having issues connecting with other men because I am still emotionally involved with my soon to be ex? Am I comparing every man to him? Ugh! When do you really know when you are really ready to find love again? Do I really want a fulltime bae?

#baesingle1 #middleageddating

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SOMETIMES THEY DO COME BACK SOMETIMES THEY DON'T- BAESINGLE #2

Sometimes breakups can be messy sometimes it can really put a sour taste in your mouth but the older I get I am learning that sometimes breakups are exactly what you need. I know for me , I was consumed in my relationship and forgot about what was really important ...me. I know now I need to handle my business affairs better, stop hanging on to the past, love me more and stop caring for these men that don't give a fuck about me. I had to look in the mirror and blame that person looking back at me. Sometimes you have to be the one at fault and look at the part you played. Learn from it and move on...it's a hard pill to swallow but I can do it..I got this! Sometimes you lose the one that you love but what is meant for me will be for me.. so in the meantime I'm building my confidence level back up..texting a random back and turning on some Lil Kim!!

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I got the first date bluesssss -BAESINGLE #2

Okay ladies dating can be hard ..really hard especially if you haven’t did it in a long time. It’s so many different people to choose from..so many different personalities that you got to find compatible with yours.. its like a needle in a haystack..but i was up for the challenge. I took a walk on the wild side I went on two dates 1st date- handsome, Lil too short, fashionably labeled( I did mention I was a little shallow) nice career, nice house and great communication. He took me and my children out to a kid friendly environment where they could be occupied and we could get a chance to know each other but the PROBLEM is we are both headstrong and I don’t know who will back down first when it comes to something we disagree on .. he calls everyday so he is consistent but for only brief moments at a time ( side eye)and he is always telling me things people know about him kinda self absorbed..ughhhh… 2nd date- fine fine fine fine!!! very outspoken, very protective, love playing with my children, dress very conservative, open the doors for me, really gentle to my needs, 6'3 230 plus pound of man (a tree I wouldn’t mind climbing up) ..we went to a park on our first date(his choice)..very attentive to me and my children…but the PROBLEM is he has a record as long as my arm and your arm.. and they’re all aggressive charges!! Now…although he was very upfront about his past which no one is perfect and he says he is now more spiritual and not the same man he use to be.... I still pulled that ass up on department of correction prisoners search..yup..i showwwed did...lol ...he uses his middle name instead of his first when he meets me but he tells me his first while in our endless conversations and yes ..I'm a great listener.. Let the searching begin! ..and hey I do this not only for my safety but for the safety of my children this would be a person that would be around them, so I have to be very certain that we are safe, so yeah I give him points for being honest about his past and his bad-boy boy lifestyle and how he changed his ways. I was almost non judging and forgiving of his past due to the upfront honesty of this man..and might i add again he is FINE! Still..my mama aint raise no fool...(finger hits search)...ummm sooooooo ok..so i see alot of larceny charges...failed to mention the "assault on a female charge"….oh helllllnahhh ...lawd take the wheel! Back to the drawing board I go….I’m gonna remain positive … what’s for me will be for me I keep saying to myself....but damn..this can be exhausting!

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Baesingle1 -30 days or 7 dates waiting period

When you are married you tend to loose a sense of your individuality. On this quest of establishing my new identity as baesingle#1, I am learning alot about myself. I have changed alot since the last time I was on the dating scene. Unfortunately my standards were definitley below par. 😢 I am even a little embarrassed by some of my men choices. Well I am vowing to make better man choices this time. As I go on dates with different men, I asked myself at what point is sex an option. Sex can really complicate dating and bring unwanted feelings and emotions into an uncertain situation. It's no shade to anyone who engages in one night stands or have casual sex. We are all grown constenting adults so if you have the itch then stratch it just protect it. I know I had my share of casual sex 🤐 In the past I introduced sex too early in dating. My marriage is a result of sex on the first date turned to a 12 year relationship. I highly doubt that will ever be the case again lol At this stage in life I want to try to do things differently. I honestly don't know what I am looking for in a man besides the basic qualities: a job, a car, own apartment/house, stable, not alot of kids and a retired player card. Those basic qualities are non negotiable! You really don't know a person's character until you are around them over time. One or two dates with a person isn't enough to determine if I want a future with that person. Im a little wiser this time around. I am not going to roll the dice on men anymore. You gotta bring more to the table than your 🍆. I have alot respect and love for the 🍆but I know I have to choose them wisely now. In an effort to stop unnecessary encounters with the 🍆 😯, I implemented no sex for 30 days or before 7 dates, whichever is longer. Yes, I am putting restrictions on the 🍆 and even myself. I think this will help me decipher the men who are really interested vs the ones who just want to give me 🍆. It also helps me take out the physical attraction and focus on the core characteristics. I know I am a good woman and I deserve the best. Only I set the standard of what I deserve. I am not giving a man what he doesn't deserve. The next man who gets the 🐺 will earn it and I will feel some type of emotional connection with him other than his 🍆. I am worth the wait!! Do you agree we need to make men earn their way to our bed? #baesingle1 #middleageddating #iamworththewait

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Baesingle #1 Miserable Valentine’s Day 😨🔫 Valentine’s Day 2/14/17 aka Single Ladies Nightmare! It had to be a man who invented such a pointless holiday. One day out of 365 days to show a woman love! So really Valentine’s Day was a day basically saying..Hey man its Valentine’s Day don’t forget to do something nice for your woman. It is really BS! A woman expects love from her man 365 days. If you don’t show your woman love year round, there is a problem. But as pointless as Valentine’s Day is as a women we still expect something! Today is the first Valentine’s Day in years that I have been single. I woke up unphased about Valentine’s Day but as the day progressed, I became sad. I saw different women with their gifts then it hit me..I am single! I begin to get in my feelings about being alone today. I want to feel love and affection from a man too. As the day went on I received a few text messages. A text from a potential beau asking me to be his Valentines. And I was expecting him to say meet for dinner or something else. But it was nothing more, his ass went from a prospect to a hell no. One of ex boyfriends texted and said I will always be his Valentine. Really? Where is my damn gift? Flowers, card, or dinner. Oh is it supposed to be the thought that count? Umm not really! Even my soon to be ex husband called to say Happy Valentine’s Day. Negro really? It took everything in me not to go off on him. I wanted to say you are the reason I am in this mess. All you had to do was love me and be a good husband. You failed miserably at both despite me being a good wife. But instead of blanking out on him, I simply replied with Thank You. I have to keep a poker face when dealing with no emotions! I still love my soon to be ex husband but I know we could never be again. Too many lines crossed and violations to go back down that road. I do know he misses me. Hopefully he will miss me forever and that will be his karma. Misery! Lol Nevertheless its Valentine’s Day and I am sitting home alone. I will take it out on this bottle of wine in order to pass out and forget the horror of today. Why is Valentine’s Day a reminder that we failed at love? Why do single women even care we aren’t booed up on Valentine’s Day? #baesingle1 #middleageddating #epicfail

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