balladinsomnia

[balladinsomnia]

[balladinsomnia]

happy fourth

[balladinsomnia]

hey, im baku! i like doing danganronpa sprite edits and this is my blog for posting them!

ive been doing this for a while, but these are my most recent edits - a talentswap between angie and chiaki. hope you like it!

i have a lot of older edits, so if someone asks for them im gonna post them as well lol

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*kisses u* teehee *spreads my disease to you*

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since Bulgarians are such a lowly second-class nation that nobody cares about the 50k people in the streets and the Western media won't even mention us:

"resignation and chill" (a young man in front of the parliament)

"the mafia has faces and names. we know them."

"state disinfectant. eliminates 100% of the mafia. one virus is enough."

"when tyranny is law, rioting is a duty."

"my mom paid me to come" (referring to the conspiracy theory that protesters are paid)

(two photos of our prime minister: "resigning" / "opening nightclubs")

(a mock-up of a tinder profile of our PM)

"our 'leader'" (a drawing of a viral moment when our PM really did put on a face mask like this)

"Boyko-tt" (a pun on the PM's first name and the word boycott)

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[balladinsomnia]

really tired of ppl telling me i have add instead of adhd bc im “not hyper[active]” as if thats all the H in adhd is there for

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There are probably plenty of people who “Never Gave Up” but also never succeed, we just wouldn’t know about them because they never made it. We just hear success stories of famous people because they happened to make it

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your are is so pretty wtf.. do you think you could draw more of young eraqus..o-or... soriku? 🥺🥺

😘

he’s relevant again isnt he

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[balladinsomnia]

obsessed with the idea of angels seeing the first human death. 

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I'm feeling extremely shitty, yesterday I spent the whole day agonizing because of the headache, nausea and uneasiness I felt because of stress and the fact I cried so hard my eyes were puffy, red and I couldn't really see well. Today instead I kept zoning out and snapping at stupid things like people actually being concerned about me (I have the feeling that quarantine + university has made my problems almost impossible to deal with), also dizziness and self-hatred hasn't left me alone today.

I hate summer with a passion, I used to love it because I love going splash in the water, I love watermelons and summer fruits and cold sweet drinks like iced tea or juices, and I still really love those things but it's also the only time I don't have to go to school and get myself busy with stuff and it's also when I have to uncover my body and show my stretch marks and cellulite, and also show that I have a lot of dark body hair in places you'd think only an animal with fur would have. I've always pretended it didn't bother me, never shaved my arms but just the armpits, never tried to shave my belly of the peach fuzz and always being the one in the group wearing shorts first and being like "let's wear summer clothes!! Who cares about or body image, we shouldn't wear the stuff we wear to please others!! Just to be comfy and to please ourselves!!".

I knew I couldn't show that I've always hated my body so much. I knew I couldn't show others my side where I couldn't get out of bed and stay in the sweaty gross bedsheets that I had to do every morning because I would thrash while sleeping because of nightmares or because of crying. I know I couldn't tell all the times I waited almost a week in the middle of July or August to shower, and some times when I was alone I would get inside fully clothed because I felt more comfortable like that.

My "seasonal depression" has always been summer. Maybe because when the problems with myself started was during school time, one time I went for almost 2 week absent because I couldn't get myself out of bed, I always made up excuses to my mom saying that I had a tummy ache or smth. I also just realized that I don't remember a thing of that year, like absolutely nothing, just some bits and parts, like I wasn't really living that part of my life. If you ask me "what do you remember of your second and third year of highschool??" I'd prolly respond Idk? Me arguing with my mom for the most part, our cat falling out of the window of our apartment on the third floor and surviving, me committing, our other cat dying the year after that and that's it.

I remember my mom taking me to those "psychologist" (I'm putting that in quotes because they told me that they were 2 therapists and one psychologist), my mom telling me I was the product of sexual assault, because she was worried I would hear it from my dad (she was worried that the culprit would admit something like this to me??) or my brothers (one of them not knowing and the other denying this fact). I remember those psychologist telling me that if I didn't force myself going to school and stop acting like a kid (I'm gonna be honest, that were never their exact words, but it was pretty obvious they thought I was just faking it, mostly because I felt extremely uncomfortable with them) I would be taken under control by social workers with the intent of transferring me to another family. Sounds great, right? My family is pretty toxic, but the fact is 90% of the kids that are taken by social workers don't end well in life. They usually end up in some kind of orphanage that most of the times are corrupt and treat the kids like shit and when they're old enough get kicked out on their own and end up having to sell their bodies unwillingly or homeless. Also it's not my opinion, the therapists and psychologist were hinting at that themselves.

And yeah, that's all I remember! Than some bullying from the whole because of one rich girl and how teens can be mean.

So if I didn't want to get taken from my "family" (at the time consisted of my mother and sometimes of my abusive brother when he returned from where he was) I had to go to school, to shove my self-hate and sadness deep down, pretend it doesn't exist because I have to be productive for my now single and full of traumas mom, because she already have many issues because of money, because of my brother and her ex-husband (my dad), with legal causes and stuff like that. I've grown up with the constant thought that is "I can't afford to fail, I can't afford to be a problem too, I can't afford to prioritize my problems". I broke down in tears when my mom asked me if I wanted to go to a private teacher, because my guilt was preventing me from asking financial help from my own fucking mother. At 16. I've always felt like a burden. I've always felt like I never was enough my entire life.

When I was little it didn't bother me that much, I was totally invisible since I was the youngest, I was in my own world all the time, and a stranger with my family most of the time.

So yeah, the point of all of this is I'm gonna play the same game I've played all these summers since 2015 because it's the worst part of the year for me, to try and drown my insecurities and sadness under the voices of my biggest comfort characters while chugging red bull and orange juice ✌️✌️

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Honestly? Dunno what this blog is, it's just something where I can rant about my emotions because at this point I have pushed away everyone that may have felt some kind of affection towards me and 1) I don't want to reach out, because I know I'm just a burden and don't want to feel worse by reaching out and asking for help, because that's what always happens, I either can't get the courage to let everything out or feel good for what is like one or two hours later? And then fall again in the same damn pit. So I'm just gonna rant here, hoping it's gonna help? I know people say it's therapeutic and stuff, also those "psychologists" I met at 15 told me that (even though it was pretty obvious they just wanted to read it to know what was going lol not very sleek by saying "we don't have to read it if you don't want to!!" and then "hey, you fuc*er it must be on paper you can't writes notes on your phone or documents on your laptop, we need paper evidence". I'm digressing,,,,

Anyway, I really hope that no one is reading this, I know I'm posting this online for everyone to see, but I think no one would ever read a rant from an account that has been inactive for I don't even know how long, who never had any kind of following to start with, so ye, if you're reading this, dude whatcha doing?? Why are searching up #rant #vent or weird name accounts?? S T O P

Getting to the point, and the reason why I'm writing all this, today we were separating winter clothes from summer clothes and this old pink night gown pops up from nowhere. Like the ones you put on when you wake up over your pj's? So ye, and I have a lot of childhoods memories about this night gown, so I tried it on and it still fits me!! I've had it since I was like 5 years old if not even younger. I was pretty excited and I was like to my mom "do you remember who gifted me this???" and she responded "it was when you went to the hospital" and I was "??? When? It happened 2 or 3 times if I recall correctly that I was hospitalized when I was under 10" and she was like in a dark hush tone, bc it's the "even we never ever talk about!!" "no, when you went to specific hospital", and it was when I was 15 years old when y'know I've tried to commit, and I was like "no?? It's not this one- it's the one I've had since we lived in the city I grew up in!!" and she was like "I don't think so" and I was like "you really don't remember??"

Not because of anything, it's obvious that my over 50 mother can't remember something that was gifted to me when I was a child, like she has 3 kids and I'm the youngest so it's obvious, but I always remember so vividly her speaking about this specific night gown with fondness and reminding me who gifted that to me and said to be grateful because it's a really special person for her (which I've later remember it was probably my godmother), and she replaced that sweet memory with the dark memory of me possibly be gone out of her life. That mistake was also made by her because of the fact my grandma in the last years had the strange habit of gifting me flashy pink night gowns, and in the days I was in the hospital for observation (because I denied of committing and also they had to see if I was alright physically) she gifted me a summer night gown, which I used only in that hospital because my clothes were stained with puke. The night gown which I have since I was I child is a soft pink winter night gown, one of those that keeps you warm, and also has the ends sewed together by my mom because it was too long for me at the time.

The point is when I asked her "you really don't remember?" she responded trying to justify herself by "I don't remember the futile things, just the important stuff". I don't even know if she was trying to blame me for what I've done, or if she was just to y'know foreshadowing that I've always been an ungrateful daughter because she has been through a lot to raise me and give birth to me even though I'm the physical form of one of her biggest trauma. It stung so bad, I said that she was wrong and that the night gown was another one, and when she noticed the change in my behavior she even asked me "are you mad I'm always using it?" (it being the actual night gown that was gifted me at 15)

No mom, I'm not mad at you for this, I want that thing burnt because it reminds me of the pain and rage of that night, the fear and euphoria that came with the act, and that it was the pinnacle of my unstability, that unfortunately, even after the poor attempts to reach out or to search for medical help, stuck with me to this day.

I'm definitely not okay. And I don't even know what to do to make things better, I'm just too tired at this point, and I'm just too afraid to do it too. You know what I blame for stopping me from committing? Some of the media's works. That's so sad, I have a lot of people around me and what's stopping me it's literally one stupid TV series. Though I'm grateful that TV series exists, not for me tbh, if it didn't I would be in a surely better place than this, but for other people that are in the same place I am. I just hope no one would feel like this. Do not want to play god here but honestly? The one feeling like this should be only the ones who hurt other people in a way or other. I know that it's not gonna take anywhere being vendicative and it's gonna only put more fuel in the pain cycle, but you should feel on your skin what you do to others, I truly think it's the only way your mistakes.

I digressed a lot, huh? I *kinda* feel better now though, well, not better, like always the pain is gone and nothing's left! Time to go eat and then focus on studying so I won't have to feel

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I am apologizing, I am sorry, I did not make this by my own will

can somebody think of a good name because I already saw souns somewhere else