bampotsdiary

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Scottish Based Think Tank Proves Scotland Is Brilliant

The Scottish based think tank Git It Right Up Ye today released their findings oan everything Scottish providing further evidence that Scotland not only hus everything awready in place that it needs tae be a pure brilliant country,the only thing haudin us aw back is being tied tae they thievin corporate fannies doon in London.

Asked how they had come by these results a spokesperson for Git It Right Up Ye said ” Well it was complicated , first we luiked at industry output reports , guaged the economy by means of calculating exactly how much Scottish cash wis being fleeced aff the tap by the Westminster Pirates , then we used a new and efficient algorithmic system to sieve through State broadcaster and Inglis media reports to identify every broadcast or publication mentioning Scotland being shite compared tae Scotland is actually guid stories .

We discovered that with the Scotland is shite stories outnumbering anyhin guid by a billion tae wan , it was quite clear thit hings were the opposite wey aroon , therfore following this line of thought the only conclusion that cuid be reached wis that Scots wir actually daein somehin right and Scotland was indeed Fuckin Fabulous ..Heeeeeucht ! “

Weather News

This weeks Scottish weather will as usual be maistly Baltic , blowin a hooley and pishin doon ,unfortunately we are unable to bring you a weather map illustration from the gutter press as these days yer tabloids only cover the weather up tae Cumbria in the northern UK.

So simply tae fill in the blank area where the Scottish weather map would usually have gone , we asked Mrs Auld fae next door who lives wey her sister Mrs Very Aulds Cat ,what she thought of recent headlining reports promoted by Westminster’s Media of inclement weather in the northern UK.

Mrs Auld replied ” Don’t you talk tae me about those sleekit cunts ,ther cauld snaps an adverse werrer , ah’ll gie thaim northern fuckin UK , it’s a guid hard kick up the erse they need son .”

We thank Mrs Auld for that indepth report and hope to see her as a future columnist here on Really Gash News

Below we have an artists impression of the proposed New and Independent Country of Scotlands Weather Map

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Wednesday Really Early

Ah got up at the crack eh dark this mornin .

'Are you feckin mental ?' I hear any doubters enquire

Well this is debatable ,but the state of ma neural circuitry wisnae the reason ah hud tae arise, ma bladders storage capacity hud passed red oan the full guage,so it wis either briefly warm the bed then suffer future discomfort an possible electrocution or expell ma accumulated waste fluids in the appropriate discharge unit.

Noo ah'm drinkin ma tea tae replenish this voluminous loss hinkin ,it's feckin Baltic the day is it no ?

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The Higher Up Wan stoats in an the furst hing Hawkeye sais is :

"What are all those marks on the quilt covers" ?

Sais I in reply tae they " Well seein us ye huv'ny noticed ,ah dusted everyhin.

Then ,an ah know ah'm no apposed tae touch the hing ,but a got the hoover oot an hoovered everyhin ,well ah hud tae cause the dust jist resettled itsel everywher.

Admittedly ,an oan hindsight ah shuid mibbes huv hoovered the quilts afore the couch an the flairs.

So in answer tae yer question, the marks oan the quilt covers ur nae mair thin wee streaks aff the hoover wheels.

An mibbes the cylinder brush annaw ! "

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It's 11.20 p.m oan Auld Years Night an thers moi sitting in he's nice cosy hugabble hoodie fleecy blanket ,when in stoats thaim who say " Are you going down to the fireworks ?"

"Dae ah luik as if ah'm gaun doon tae the fireworks?" Replies I

" Are you staying up ?" Say they

"Ay fur 45 minutes " Sais I

"Goodnight, an here's Billy tae expand oan that !"

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Happy New Steak Pie

Slàinte Mhath

Whers ma fuckin coal ?

Lang may ye reek

Awrabest fur 2024

bla bla etc etc

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Auld Years Night

See oan this wan day eh the year, we Scots must be the only people's oan the planet thit git up really dead early oan the 31st of December so thit we cin still be completely oblivious tae the fact thit January the 3rd is in actuality an infactually, jist like yer big pizza pies ... It's rammorra , eeeeecks !!

Happy New Year

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The Hogmanay Steak Pie

Thers thaim doon the street thits desperately attemptin tae purchase as much intoxication as is conceivably possible tae swally wey oot the aid eh the emergency services an a stomach pump in ther preparations fur round two !

Meanwhile, moi here is concentratin oan the essentials required tae see the auld year oot,which happen tae be puff pastry ,stewin steak an sausages which will aw be lovingly combined in the big ashet ,weyoot fuckin Bisto gravy granules.

See traditionally here in Scotland the bells ur brought in oan Auld Years Night by the scrannin eh a steak pie at midnight.

But jist remmemer tae cook yer pie properly .

Here's a Hogmanay Steak Pie warnin fae Quint

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Have a very happy New Socks Day

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This device is a defo requirement fur any sit doon toilet user an no jist fur oor the festive period either ,the hing wis patented back in 2020 but a still canny seem tae git ma hauns oan wan .

Wait fur it !

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Ginger Wine

See if your gaun oot fur a wee yodel an a couple eh Jägermeister's the night ,it might be a guid idea tae pit a coat oan cause it's feckin howlin oot ther !

Alternatively if yer stayin in, why no boil up yer ain traditional gash wine wey the addition eh herbs spices an lashins eh rabbit droppings .

Whit ? The rabbit droppings ur apposed tae be raisins!

See naeb'dy tells me anyhin ,an thers moi went oot and collected a carrier bag full eh bunny shit fur this purpose tae!

See when ah wis a wean ,ah wid ask ma granny (Who wisnae known for her sarcasm - Much!) whit the wee black hings wir in her alcohol free Ginger Wine ,she ayweys replied ' Rabbit Shit'

So thanks tae her wise an informative guidance ah huv bin fermenting rabbit deposits in the festive cheer fur years an huv found thit by publicly announcing the addition eh bunny balls tae the mix,there wis a vast reduction in cases of sugar induced diabetes and festive alcoholism throughout the family as a whole oor the festive period !

Ho Ho Ho ..Jist gaunny no ,don't even hink about it , honestly dinnae !

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A Guid Yule an a Happy Solstice tae wan an aw.

Noo ye cin pit yer festive shrubbery up in keepin wey the traditional spirit eh the season,whether that be a bog brush plastic job thit comes pre-installed wey wee flashy LED illuminations or a realistically orrerwise doo dah.

Unless like we, ye huv a resident cat thit hus an overwhelmin compulsion tae become the star oan the tap eh the tree every night .

Then ye git tae pit yer tree up every mornin ,its either that or evict the cat an that approach hus awready bin tried,but the wee fucker cin open doors!

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"Whit will ah make fur the tea " ..Sais I tae the cavernous void ,but nae answer echoed back.

"Whit aboot macca cheese furra tea en " ..Sais moi tae me

"That'll dae furra day ,hooray ! " .. Replied I tae masel.

So hauf an hour later an the jobs done ,ingredients ur aw pit away ,pots wa'shed ,macca cheese in ashet ready tae go in the oven. Sorted .

Nope ,no sorted ,ah hud forgot tae grate cheese oor the tap ,but whers the fuckin cheese ?

2 hours later ..The clues wir ther cause the flour wis in the fridge !

So if ye must know,it wis fur this reason ah stuck sticky notes tae aw the kitchen cupboard doors !

But will these informatives stoap masel fae bangin everyhin an the cat intae the kitchen cupboards ?

Och away ! Will they fuck .

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Ah hud tae git a bike oot the cellar cause thers hunners eh huge unnameable unimaginable beasties lurkin in ther !

But it seems these particular beasties wir transportet tae the moon by cats jist afore ah got doon ther tae remove this mechanised method of bipedal perambulation fae the dark an cavernous oubliette !

Ah'm telt oan authority thit arachnophobia is learnt an no inherited tae.

Ay ? How come we huv inherited four arachophobes en ?

doo roo roo roo.. doo roo roo roo ..

Welcome tae the Zone of Twilight wher wee spiders huv webs an dangle aboot a lot wheris big spiders commute in interplanetary vehicles,drink hunners eh Cinzano Bianco wey ice an usually wear modified Hi-Vis George of Asda boxer shorts .

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New Monster Munch Review

A wis jist gied a wee taste eh ma wan time fav munchies better known tae masel as The Biggest Snack Pennies Can Buy.

Aw a cin say is thit a um no impressed wey yer new recipe Pickled Onion Monster Munches .

So in ma review fur the uninitiated new millennium munchers ,a stated thit the hings they ur masticating oan noo ur pure shite an no a patch oan the original Smiths which wir guaranteed tae draw yer lips thegether and gie ye heartburn ,an a couldn'y gie a flyin fuck if the auld wans wir seasoned wae carbolic soap ,hydrofluoric acid or radioactive isotopes ,the Smiths hings were multitudinous an most excellently flavorsome ,so they wir ..Ay

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Sophistication

Long afore we wir enlightened tae the caramelised caffeinated fermentation produced by yer Benedictine hoodies ,we here in the West imported wir sophistication fae South Africa ,noo this wan wis fur the connoisseur, an acquisition maist average taste buds never actually acquired,no even fur 50pence !

Fuck the draught sherry we yased tae fill wir empty ginger boatles wey destroyed less eh yer palate an it wis 5pence cheaper !

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Midgies

A'right muckers ,a wee midgie question

See moi here is entrenched oan the West Coast wher yer Culicoides impunctatus urn'ny jist fur Xmas ,the wee bastards will creep right up yer crevice as soon is thers a plus oan the mercury ,so nothin new ther.

But ur we alone or ur these little feckers mair prolific thin usual aroon the country this year an dae they make good burgers ?

Answers oan a postcerd tae :-  afuckinhatemidges.com

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Brochan Lom wis wan eh ma very favourite wee songs thit we yased tae sing at the schule.

The hing is ,the song is written in Erse an naeb'dy ever bothert ther erse tae tell is whit the song wis aw aboot ,so a ayweys jist made noises thit soundit like the wurds when we wir huvin a wee chant tae wirsels .

It wisnae tae the weans sterted singin the song when they wir it the schule thit a fun oot the song wis aboot porridge ,very thin porridge tae be precise.

So when ma Da yased tae say tae me " Will you eat yer brochan porridge " he wisnae swerin efter aw an wis really sayin 'Will you eat yer porridge porridge ' Ay !

In the Gaelic :

Brochan lom, tana lom, brochan lom na sùghain

Brochan lom, tana lom, brochan lom na sùghain

Brochan lom, tana lom, brochan lom na sùghain

Brochan lom 's e tana lom 's e brochan lom na sùghain 

Inglis translation :

Porridge thin and meagre, porridge thin from sowans.

Porridge thin and meagre, porridge thin from sowans.

Porridge thin and meagre, porridge thin from sowans.

Porridge thin, it is meagre and thin,it is porridge thin from sowans.