barbarakushh

[barbarakushh]

the new view from da sesh. i quit THC for life. i gave myself psychosis and almost schizophrenia. i didnt need to see a medical professional to know that those statements are true. i have supplemented thc with nicotine to get thru the withdrawals and because dopamine is still hard to come by for the ADHD brain. so tonite i smoke this geek bar. i am not proud but i am making little changes. fuckin sue me. getting reaquainted with my sober brain is hard but i amd much more joyful, controlled, and powerful. cant focus for shit doe, maybe i should go on adderall. but i still feel like i would be sacrificing control of my mind. i just have to meditate and slow down. real. i have healed significantly. already forgotten about whats his name and im convinced ive finally found the man who will be the love of my life. so i am staying as far from him as possible so as to not fuck it up. things end as quickly and they begin so i will take as much time as i can. im scared. i dont wanna fuck this up. and his venus is in aries 😭. but hey, if my parents can make it work with a cancer venus and aries venus, then theres hope. and neither of us have as much trauma or codependency/emotional immaturity issues as my parents, so theres definitely a chance. future me if youre reading this, i hope youve ended up with this man. imma hit dis vape till im bored or domed then go do a tarot spread and pop a melatonin. the moon is full is gemini. makes me think of janelle monae :) its nice to have learned to find dopamine in sobriety finally. life is good, im the most joyful and content ive ever been in my life. if someone were looking at my life from an outside view this would baffle them. but im living by my own values and definition of success, and couldnt be happier. thats a lie, i am excited to work towards much greater joy and contentment. and my spirit is finally ready to bring joy and positivity and light to the world. as above, so below. i love you, universe, thank you. 💚

[barbarakushh]

[barbarakushh]

Star-Crossed 2017 callalilypoetry

[barbarakushh]

okay, im better, forgive my last two posts and disregard them, im a drama queen. and i dont have time anymore if i wanted to keep mourning. BESIDES THE POINT! i finally figured it out. my leadership style! i can see problems and i can see how to solve them. edit: as well as objectives and routes to achieve such in the best way possible. at least given my values. end of edit. but i usually over generate ideas in my perfectionist style of decision making. basically i like to brainstorm every possible idea before i make a decision before i reallllllly make the best choice. which ends up leaving me with multiple good options that i then cant choose between. because im not picky and usually want it all at the end of the day. edit: and end up choosing multiple then burning the fuck out. im the king of putting too much on my plate and then abandoning it all. end of edit. and i prefer to people please. that’s why im good in leadership with a partner who will take one of my options and choose or else advise me and help me figure out the best choice. or listen to my verbalized internal debate. i digress. but my leadership style is especially bad when under pressure because im suuuuuch a long decision maker. that why leadership didn’t work at one of my old jobs. shift leads were expected to handle everything going on on shift, while watching the window timer, making sure every employee is performing at top capacity, watching the cameras for suspicious men, texting the managers all the time, and all while making drinks fast as fuckk. how am i supposed to give good leadership without having to step away from like ninety percent of those responsibilities. i am not as much a good leader as i am good at giving ideas to the leader. but other times the leader disregards my ideas and does something which i deem a bad decision. this is why it’s finally time to step your pussy up and get faster at decision making. ur gonna have to write out your values and objectives and train your brain to have those on hand mentally and literally train your brain to make decisions faster. yet also simultaneously i need to take a step back from impulsive decisions to consider them and distractions. ugh the irony of the mature self awareness is that it comes after i should probably have known better. why do i have to make a mistake thrice to learn from it? now im thinking of ALL my exes and heartbreaks. cool that’s great that’s sick that’s tight. goodnight

-fc

[barbarakushh]

crooked nose. jaundice. sometimes i feel like im dorian grey watching me turn into the worst version of myself. except its not a painting its my superficial self expression. its hard to watch your soul die in front of your own face. i’ll be okay. i owe some apologies.

-fc

[barbarakushh]

dear izak

do you still care about me? do you still want to be my friend? i want to be your friend still. please. im begging. i care about you too much to lose you from my life. its already shit enough that you dont have feelings for me anymore. but to lose you from my life would just devastate me. we started dating when i moved here. you were the biggest part of my new life. i grew a lot of habits around you, and changing them now feels like going through withdrawals. i was addicted to you. i dont know who to talk to after work anymore. i dont know who to call and tell about this crazy thing that happened at work today. i am lost without you. i was lost before you too i think thats why i clung on so tight. you were my fire. forgive the astrology reference. but i mean it. you kept me motivated and i actually wanted to accomplish my goals. you praised my productivity and encouraged me to achieve my goals. reaching my goals without you is going to feel like its not worthwhile. pointless. what is the point of preparing for a future which does not include you? right now it feels like there is none. i wanted to father children with you. my heart is shattered. i am devastated. and you are moving on like you never were my boyfriend to begin with. i am devastated. i want to keep you in my life and be your friend so badly. but i dont know how. i will find a way. we will figure it out. start fresh. i wont make it awkward and i hope you dont either. and if we cant make it work being friends then we’ll move on because thats life. but im not just going to accept losing you from my life entirely. not yet. not without putting up a fight.

with eternal love,

fc

[barbarakushh]

i said what i said. i will miss you forever, izak.

-fc

[barbarakushh]

UGH! BOREDOM! APATHY!

Im bored even writing this. I was supposed to be making money tonite but instead im at HOME. Doing NOTHING. I want to get drunk or stoned but i dont have enough of either of those substances within my posession to accomplish those goals. Life is a tragedy. You think the dispensary takes EBT? Asking for a friend. Still bored. Bumtown. Population me :(. Boyfriend doesnt wanna play minecraft with me. Dont wanna chores but dont really have a good excuse not to because i cannot think of a single thing that i WANT to do. So i may as well do something i need to right? But also there’s no sense of urgency for those needs to be accomplished soon. And perhaps the action of completing the chore will bring my lesser contentment than the apathy, thats the risk. Would i rather be apathetic with goals accomplished? Or not accomplished? Ugh i guess that means im doing chores. My latest favorite quote is from victoria monét, she said on twitter “staying in working, dreaming about the day i get that grammy!” She said that like eight years ago. And that bitch one a grammy this year. She been working in the industry for 15 years. And shes from sacramento! Like me :) . The way she focused and hustled and stayed focused and determined is quite inspirational. The energy of the taurus women ♉️🐂😤. And the knight of pentacles indeed, same energy. So i guess this is my social media post expressing my saturday night of staying in working, dreamin of my goals. I dont wanna grammy tho i just want a royalty check 😭. Staying in working, dreaming of financial stability and wealth! And a cure for my apathy. Guess i found one :) . Goodnight.

-fc

[barbarakushh]

sex, drugs, and femininity

or

sex drugs and hello kitty

[barbarakushh]

The view from the sesh volume 2. Solo seshing sucks. I miss when the moon was in capricorn. Currently seshing the pen in the car and people are FUCKING up my VIBE. Im listening to steve lacy. Lov the lyrics in that one song “

Said, "I love you, " never meant it, you was handsome

With a heavy dick, a cannon, you do damage

“

That shits crazy. And i thought i had queer lyrics. Anyways i need to go in my HOUSE because im tired of being anywhere else. Oh and im TIRED. Going back to school while working full time and pursuing art and keeping a relationship. Wish me luck. Whats gonna give. Sleep? Friendships? Living on my own? Idk. Hopefully it will be bad habits and poor time management and insomnia and substance abuse that give. I will try my damndest. Goodnight.

-fc

[barbarakushh]

The ever-present clash between the conscious and the subconscious. GODDAMN IT PIsses me off. The subconscious always wins. Oh you wanna stop breathing? Nope. Get knocked out. Oh you drank too much water before bed? You fucked up, your subconscious is boutta PISS on them sheets. It’s all in your own best interest, but sometime i WIsh i could make my stomach stop growling when im hungry and dont have a chance to eat, or same with having a full bladder. like, i get it body, i have shit to do to regulate homeostasis, but also i have like ten orders on my board! Like sometimes it feels like my body is a fucking diva child i have to lug around and keep happy. But it is a beautiful symbiosis at the end of the day. So perhaps the clash between the two serves to prove that the most beautiful symbioses even are doomed to face internal conflicts.

[barbarakushh]

Drugs

[barbarakushh]

da view from da sesh.

-fc

[barbarakushh]

Guess which is stains on the mirror vs which are freckles on my back

[barbarakushh]

new aesthetic vibes. Bw is classic but i hate how cliche it is so i need better lighting on the porch i guess cos im going for more of a seventies aesthetic which is less noir and more low exposure blurry hippie yaknow? Either you get the vibe or you dont. I literally dont even have time to sit and explain it to you. Look up HRH collection if you dont get the vibe. And you’ll understand why im turning into a DRACULA. Because, that was the agreement. But at least im not a vampire anymore. Life is short but also terribly and insufferably long. Dont trust your doctors. Sometimes they give you anal bleeding and dont even apologize. Sorry to be graphic. Ive learned a lot today. Adulthood is weird. You know your friend is a g when he tells you about things he puts up his butt in the name of science. Goodnite

-fc

[barbarakushh]

Life is so sad when you’re out of drugs that you’re addicted to. Especially when you keep convincing yourself that they’re not worth the money and that you shouldn’t anyways. But then that delusional part of your brain creeps up and finds a way to justify it. And then the addiction continues. It’s a trajedy and it’s a powerful cycle that is hard to break. Especially when the addiction runs deep. But life is short and dopamine can be hard to come by. One has to retrain the brain to literally get high on life. Forgive my expression, by this i mean one has to learn to find dopamine and happiness in things which are less detrimental to the self as drugs. The sunset is free. Good music is free. Good friends are free. Marijuan is pricey. One has to be intentional, and although these things are not guarunteed or necessarily sustainable dopamine sources, they can be more worthwhile. The worst part is that one can find dopamine from all these things for free, BUT certain drugs such as THC can also enhance the dopamine recieved from these things. AKA weed makes sunsets and food better. So one can always justify consuming THC before enjoying the natural dopamine-givers, as it always amplifies the enjoyment making the experiences even more worthwhile. But how worthwhile is THC in the long term? When it’s side affects are counteractive to gaining dopamine while sober? Drugs make sober living harder. This is why people who like to smoke weed almost always have THC in their veins. Because when you do a lot of drugs the body and mind no longer like to be without drugs. It takes an absurd amount of self control, wisdom, and intentionality to consume drugs in moderation. This is the best way to consume drugs. What is best is to not consume drugs at all. Anyways big thumbs too many typos i’m wrapping this up before i get mad. Goodnite

-FC

[barbarakushh]

So here’s the thing:

I think i’ve been wrong the whole time. I thougt the self was made up of the heart body mind and soul. I now believe it’s the hard body mind and spirit. Have to get to understand the soul better, perhaps the soul is made up of the four, is the soul the self? May as well be synonomous, however the soul lives on longg after the body. At least it has the potential for some. Some have ways of capturing physical aspects of their own soul and preserving them to outlive their body. Bodies can also be recorded physically, this is the practical value of art. So let moments and illustrations and even imaginative images to be recorded and preserved.

So i guess the soul can be a conglomeration of the four. Therefore, for a soul to truly be captured or, recorded; documented, it must feature the heart, body, mind, and spirit. What if one does not even know their own spirituality? How does one even express that about themselves? Is the lack of knowledge being expressed something to represent a style of spirituality in and of itself? One can always have potential to subconsciously express their spirituality. One just needs to embrace subconscious truth. I digress.

Now it’s time to define the spirit then. The spirit is a sense of dynamicicity within one’s self. I doubt thats a word. And maybe i’m just a gemini. Thw spirit is the thing that fuels the flame, one’s motivation in this life, as well as one’s belief in what will be after death. Existentialism comes from the spirit, and existentialism can be overcome by the spirit. As does religion. As does a belief in reincarnation or karma if that’s your thing.

Anyways there’s a skunk in my yard so that’s enough for the nite. I’m gonna finish my joint and go to bed. I shall continue my ramblings later. Psycho babble, if you will, but i think that’s trademarked or something. Buenas noches

-f