barelybobbi

[barelybobbi]

Packing

I know I have to pack, but I just want to lay down and sleep. And I look around at everything here...everything that dad built, things from grandma backhaus’ house, things from mom’s gma and gpa schiermeister, all of mom’s things, everything that came here from grandma’s place... and I don’t know what I’ll do if I cannot keep the house. How do I get all of it packed? Where do I put it all? How do I find the time to do it?

If I can keep the house, how do I do it? Currently, dad pays the mortgage and I pay everything else. I’d need to come up with $1000 more a month. A couple renters, I guess. Which means a hell of a lot of cleaning out.

Just so many layers of stress and anxiety and fear and what ifs and questions and not knowing. I don’t want to be an adult anymore. Or an only child. I feel like a failure on so many levels and I just don’t have a clue in the world what to do.

[barelybobbi]

Fourth of July, 2017

So many emotions. So much sadness, always on the brink of anxiety. It's coming up on 16 months since I lost Mom. You'd think I'd be getting better. But in some ways it feels like I'm getting worse. Regressing. Damn holidays and reminders of all I've lost. The Fourth of July used to be my favorite. Now it's a blaring reminder of lost traditions and people who left me. Last year, art in the park with Teri and Denise, then the street dance with Teri and Terry. The next day, boating, food and fireworks at Teri's sister's. now Teri won't talk to me and Terry abandoned me. Pete wanted me to come to party on the prairie. He committed suicide a couple of months later. Would it have made a difference if I would have gone? Probably not, but you always wonder. And at least I could have seen my old friend one more time. The year before, art in the park and street dance with Teri and Terry on the third (we already know they're gone), then hottubbing with HB. I never did tell him mom was sick. I didn't want to scare him off or be with me out of pity. He was a great escape from my miserable reality whenever we got together. On the fourth, mom got a bad case of shingles. I stayed home and watched the capital fireworks with mom. She always loved that and I was afraid it might be her last 4th. I was right. 2014...on the 3rd, art in the park and street dance with Teri, Terry, Denise and Billy. I was dating Patrick at the time. The fourth was his family reunion and tons of fireworks at his house. Three years later, I still don't know why he left me or inflicted his psychological torture when I was losing my mother. 2013...the third, art in the park and street dance with Terry, after party with HG. The next day, hung over as hell, jumped in the car and headed to Fargo to be there for Moose after his wife left him. I was always there for him. But when Mom and needed him, some whore who runs a liquor store was more important. 2012...everything with Moose. Art in the park, street dance, party, parade, fireworks in Lincoln. Such a great weekend at the time. But just a painful memory now. 2011...bought a new grill and was going to have a cookout for family and friends. But got a call from my aunt saying she had to call the ambulance for grandma. I spent all afternoon and night there with my beloved grandmother. All the time she kept asking where my aunt was and when she would be there. Twy wouldn't answer her phone or respond to a text. But she says I'm the selfish one. I'm the bitch for blocking her number and being angry at her treatment of grandma and mom. At least I live in fucking reality and am a responsible adult. At least I step up and care for my loved ones instead of running away or still expecting them to do things for me. 2010...fireworks at Tracy's. The mother of my godson. Friends for 25 years. My mom was a second mother to her, sometimes more of a mother than her own mom. But in the 15 months since mom has passed, I've heard from her twice. Neither time was to check on me, both were when she wanted something. That night I also met Frenchie. He worked hard to get me to go out with him. As soon as I relaxed and started to trust him and allow some feelings, he went ghost. I love this holiday, but the memories are so painful. Last year with Teri was the first time I felt somewhat normal and felt joy since mom had passed. I thought a new tradition was starting that would help me avoid painful memories of the past. I don't know if I should continue traditions or try to make new ones, or hide in bed until the holiday passes. Right now, I'm going to attempt art in the park with Rusty and Denise, then the street dance with Rusty and Robyn. There's so many fears, though. Will my anxiety overtake me? Is the 4th a curse for me? Are Rusty and Denise going to be gone next year? How many more people can I handle losing? I want back the magic of childhood. Of when grandpa had a fireworks stand and we got to shoot off everything he didn't sell. Ida and I watching in awe. Dad holding the Roman candles. Will dad still be around next year? If so, will he have lost more than a toe to his damn diabetes? Fear Pain Anxiety Missing so many Feeling worthless Feeling alone How do I get passed it all? Rest In Peace to Grandpa, Grandma and Mom. The most important people in my life. I love you and miss you so much! Rest In Peace, Pete. You were always an amazing guy and so kind and fun. I wish I'd known about your demons and I wish there's something I could have done. I wish I could be a bigger person right now. But even after all this time I ping pong between the depression and anger stages of grief. For those who have hurt or abandoned me, with one exception, I wish they could feel how much pain they've caused. I wish they could realize what they've lost. I wish I could wish them the best. But I'm bitter and hurt and angry and too consumed with pain to be a bigger person. Barely Bobbi

[barelybobbi]

Fucking Anxiety

Anxiety, you are a bitch And you make me your bitch. I used to be a social person I used to have no problem going anywhere It's been more than a year since I lost my mom The social anxiety, the fear of groups of people, the weirdness of going to places and events I would have gone to with her should have passed by now. I should not have to still have a security blanket to attend a family event It's family. It should be a safe place But within moments, the shaking takes over I don't pay much attention to the tightness in my chest It's the outward symptoms that concern me The shaking and the tears That put all eyes on me. I don't want it to look like I'm making it about me I don't want to look like an attention whore. That is a side I only want to share with those closest to me My safe zone My support system. Of course, that has become a much smaller circle than it once was Yesterday was my cousin's day But shortly after I walked in, it was all about me. For so much of the first year after losing Mom, T was my safety blanket When she went places with me, I felt calm. I felt ok. Yesterday made the void of her not currently being in my life so much more consuming. My boyfriend is also very much a safety blanket But he isn't comfortable in groups, Especially in groups of strangers. He hasn't met this branch of family So, although I wish he'd been with me I know it would have been uncomfortable for him. When T and my boyfriend became my safety blankets I developed a new level of anxiety Maybe even a phobia A couple, actually I became so scared of losing either of them And I became so scared of being too dependent on them I NEED to stand on my own two feet. I can't always lean on others I need to be ok walking into a family event on my own and talking about my parents Oops, that brings more anxiety What if I'll never be ok doing such a normal thing again What if every time I walk in I start shaking and crying? At least the hyperventilating didn't come. Will people think I'm doing on purpose for attention? Will they wonder how strong women like mom and grandma raised someone so weak and pathetic? Will everyone in my life realize just how weak and pathetic I am? Will the few people I still have decide I'm too needy? Too much drama? Will I be called selfish again when trying to grab a lifeline? More anxiety And the anxiety doesn't say "if they leave..." The anxiety says "WHEN they leave..." It's a hand closing right around my throats with the foregone conclusion that everyone that matters will leave me. It's a vicious circle Anxiety is triggered by one small incident that shouldn't cause any fear or anxiety Just normal life functions. But then there's the domino effect It brings up every fear Every failure Every loss It makes you feel helpless Sometimes even hopeless. Like, why are you still trying to have a normal life? You will never have one You don't deserve one. But why don't I? What do I keep doing wrong? Why can't my brain override my emotions? Why can't I talk about normal things? Why can't I go normal places? Fucking anxiety! How long will it make me it's bitch?