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The Emperor: *being a bad dad and doing something psychologically damaging to one of his tools sons*

Said Primarch’s spouse, whose been single-handedly been piecing their husband back together with spit, duct tape, and an old bottle of gorilla glue they found in the drawer, watching it happen right in front of them: 👁️👄👁️

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Me: *holding my spoiled ass cat up* Ya know, you wouldn’t last long in the wild.

Space Marine: *holding me the exact same way I hold my cat* You know, you wouldn’t last long in the wild-

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I have the image of the Emperor looking slightly traumatized in the middle of a family photo and he’s surrounded by all his sons and the families he explicitly told them not to have. They were supposed to be his perfect little weapons of war, but now he’s holding someone’s baby. Malcador’s laughing at him.

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Sons of the Primarchs: Deeply traumatized, brooding messes with a side of insurmountable daddy issues. They are in the corner questioning their self-worth 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The weight of worlds rest on their shoulders. They are the responsible ones holding this whole operation together with the last shreads of their sanity.

Daughters of the Primarchs: Batshit insane. They’re razing worlds for fun and they’re all very well dressed while doing it. They’re keeping a scoreboard somewhere to track who has the most victories. Their fathers lost control of them a long time ago and no one else is brave enough to try and reel them in. Malcador watches on in horror and understands now why the Emperor insisted on the Primarchs all being sons.

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CHICKORITA IS BACK MFS DONT TALK TO ME IM TOO BUSY LOVING MY BABY

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The relationship between the Emperor and his daughter-in-laws is quite a simple one.

Big E: Who keeps these lights on?

The wives: Choke and die, old man.

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If The Primarchs Had Kids - How Many Would They Have And Why?

An introspective essay by me - a clinical moron

Lion El’Johnson: 2 - an older daughter and younger son because he deserves to have to deal with an oldest daughter

Fulgrim: 1 - one perfect daughter and he’s good

Perterabo: 2 - fraternal twins (1 girl and 1 boy). If they aren’t in your immediate field of vision, they are definitely off building a bomb. Yes, Perterabo is stressed.

Jaghatai Khan: 3 - older twin daughters and a son. All perfectly behaved angels, the Primarchs look at them and weep because why can’t their children act right like these three-

Leman Russ: 3 - two older sons and one younger daughter. Yes, they all act feral - those are just the factory settings. You had kids with Leman Russ, what do you want from me?

Rogal Dorn: 1 - a daughter that is an exact carbon copy of him because it’s what he deserves. (As in, she will sit there quietly with him and they’ll draw blueprints together)

Konrad Curze: 1 - a daughter that is an exact carbon copy of him because it’s what he deserves (As in, she’ll be some feral ass murder goblin that he has to manage and I hope it causes him a few grey hairs)

Sangunius: 1 - a perfect little angel son who bites his ankles :)

Ferrus Manus: 3 - all daughters, good luck Ferrus 🫡

Angron: 1 - somehow had progeny and it is a daughter and she is a lil feral but we love her. Also bites his ankles-

Roboute Gulliman: 3 - an older son and two younger daughters. Daughters would be too easy for him, built like a girl dad. No, he needs an oldest carbon copy son he stresses about fucking up and turning into him at night

Mortarion: 2 - older son and younger daughter. (Originally only had one kid to stress about fucking up, but I added a second to send him to an early grave)

Magnus the Red: 1 - an uber smart psycher prodigy daughter to chase around would be good for him :)

Horus Lupercal: 1 - a son. Why? Vibes.

Lorgar: 1 - I’m a subscriber to the ‘Lorgar has a daughter that is an exact replica of the Emperor’ agenda so that’s what he gets.

Vulkan: 5 - (sorry Mrs. Vulkan, but it’s kinda on the tin-) two older daughters, then a son, then another daughter, then another son. They just kept coming, what can I say-

Corvus Corax: 1 - a little crow daughter for him to stress about at night. Yes, she does disappear. Yes, it does stress him out.

Alpharius and Omegon: 2 - identical twin daughters. Who’s the dad? Idk. Where are they? Wreaking havoc.

[bathroomcryptid]

Sailor Moon | 美少女戦士セーラームーン

[bathroomcryptid]

The Real Housewives of the Imperium: The Scoop on Step-Mothers??

A/N: Sorry for my long absence, life sucks sometimes. But here’s some more bullshit from the Real Housewives universe I’ve cooked up in my head.

Warnings: None

The Dark Angels: When approached for comment on the Dark Lady, two members of the Dark Angels said, and I quote, “Who?”. After explaining that the entire Imperium knows the Dark Lady exists and that they can’t keep pretending that she’s still a secret, they both ran. They’ve been put down as ‘refused to comment’.

The Emperor’s Children: “She’s exemplary in every way. Truly, she is the only one befitting of our Primarch and the title of our Legion Mother. Here look at this painting I did of her.” It was a beautiful painting.

The Iron Warriors: “We’ve only had her for five minutes, but if anything happened to her, we’d kill everyone in the Imperium and then ourselves.” The commenting Iron Warrior was so passionate he broke our microphone and we had to purchase a new one.

The White Scars: After barely catching one, he simply had this to say: “Our Lady Mother is the best.” Before we could ask for further elaboration, the White Scar had run off and we were out of vehicles to pursuit them in.

The Space Wolves: The commenting Space Wolf initially tried to eat the microphone, but after explaining its function and the reason we approached for comment, he had this to say: “The Wolf Mother is unmatched in every aspect. She can fight and drink with the best of them.”

The Imperial Fists: We weren’t able to get a comment as they asked us to leave as Lady Dorn had plans to walk through that room later and they had to fortify it. Apparently, this happens frequently.

The Night Lords: “The Lady has made great progress when it comes to the flaying of our enemies, she no longer faints at the sight of blood-“ The commenting Night Lord seemed to have more to say about Lady Curze, but we here at Imperial News™️ were too scared to find out what and quickly absconded. In the future, we have made note to exclusively ask for comment from the Night Lords via mail.

The Blood Angels: Initially, both commenting Blood Angels looked as if they wanted to kill us for simply mentioning the Mother Angel. After assuring that we ment no harm, they had this to say. “The Mother Angel is our legion’s life blood and the most sacred treasure of our Primarch. In the future, you should be more careful about arbitrarily throwing around the name of our legion mother.”

The Iron Hands: The four commenting Iron Hands were stopped exiting a hardware store. “She’s nothing but a temptress that serves to turn our Primarch’s eye away from far more important and pressing matters.” Commenting Iron Hands confirmed that they were procuring supplies for a glue trap they were going to set up outside the Lady of the Iron Hands’ bedroom apparently in retaliation to her booby trapping the bathroom a few days prior.

The World Eaters: “She doesn’t impede our cause.” After discussing the comment from the World Eater with several experts, we’ve come to understand that this is very high praise.

The Ultramarines: “Lady Guilliman stands without equal. Her mind and wit are unparalleled…she’s also very good at paperwork.” The commenting Ultramarines were very serious about how great Lady Guilliman is.

The Death Guard: Were marked ‘refused to comment’ as they looked like they might kill us after simply uttering their legion mother’s name. We’ve made note to seek future comment regarding the Lady of the Death Guard elsewhere.

The Thousand Sons: “The Red Lady has earned her name. She’s an unparalleled mind, a fierce warrior, and the only person befitting our Primarch. Also, she made us cookies.” The commenting Thousand Sons did share his cookies and they were in fact delicious.

The Luna Wolves: “Lady Lupercal? She’s the best!” “Yeah! There’s no one better for our Primarch!” “She’s the best at everything!” The three commenting Luna Wolves were very enthusiastic when asked to comment on Lady Lupercal.

The Word Bearers: Initially approached us asking if we had heard about our lord and savior, The God Emperor. Upon confirming, yes, we were aware of the Emperor and his feats, we asked about Lady Aurelian. They simply handed us a brochure titled ‘The Goddess of Colchis’ and upon opening it, simply had ‘she’s perfect’ scrawled inside. They said that if we needed more information, they were glad to read to us from the holy texts about her and proceeded to pull out a book the size of two human heads. We informed them that was alright, we had all we needed, and left as quickly as possible.

The Salamanders: Due to the length of the comment as the commenting Salamanders probably sang the praises of the Mother of the Salamanders for actual hours, we were forced to condense it in editing, but in summary: As far as the Salamanders are concerned, their mother pinned the very stars in the sky. She is the best at everything and is unable to do wrong. She is the kindest, gentlest, and most fiercely protective woman you’ll ever meet. She is literally the best and the God Emperor weeps at her feet. - a paraphrasing by Imperial News.

The Raven Guard: After searching for a Raven Guard member for months to make comment on the Raven Mother, we finally found one. After asking about the Lady of the Raven Guard, the Raven Guard member gave a thumbs up before disappearing again.

The Alpha Legion: [REDACTED]

[bathroomcryptid]

I’m drunk, give me your favorite Warhammer shit and I’ll give you my inebriated take.

[bathroomcryptid]

The Real Housewives of the Imperium

A/N: This is just some bullshit my brain vomited while I was procrastinating other things. Enjoyyy

Lore Drop™️ before we begin: In my personal headcanon of whatever the fuck this is, the wives of the Primarchs definitely act as a political arm of their respective legion/Primarch. They are the ones that involve themselves with the administration and nobility and royalty of the Imperium, and this is a role the Primarchs are happy enough to dump on them while they’re off fighting wars. It also means that the wives run into each other a lot.

Who Hates Each other?

-I would say no one really hates each other, but that’s a lie. The Red Lady and the Wolf Mother cannot under any circumstances be in the same room together, they will absolutely kill each other it’s not pretty.

-The Raven Mother, while not generally having any disagreements with anyone, is just around so rarely it’s hard to say she has any really good friends amongst the wives.

Who are friends?

-First, The Khatun has some freaky superpower that lets her get along with literally everyone and everyone loves her. She is literally everyone’s best friend and she loves it.

-Lady Lupercal, The Mother of the Salamanders, and The Khatun have seen everything. These were the first three spouses and the only Primarch spouses for a long time. Not only were they the first, but they were also the only three to have been with their husbands prior to the Emperor’s appearance. These three wrote the book and have a deep friendship because of their circumstances.

-The Lady of the Hydra, the Dark Lady, Lady Guilliman, Lady Lupercal, and the Lady of the Emperor’s Children are all somehow extremely good friends and it’s so bad for everyone’s health because these women SCHEME. If you fuck with them or their husbands they will have the entire Imperium legitimately thinking you sacrifice babies to pagan gods in your free time by the next cycle do not mess with them. They also will pull up to the function with the best gossip.

-A surprising friendship here - the Mother of the Salamanders and Lady Curze. Everyone was expecting the Red Lady and Wolf Mother round two with these two, but noooo, they get along like a house on fire and that’s what they’ll do to yours if you fuck with them. Whereas our Quintet of trouble up there will spin you around with their words, these two are more of the “corner you in a dark alley with a knife and threaten you within an inch of your life” type.

-The Lady of the Death Guard, Lady Aurelian, the Khatun, and Lady Kurze also float around each other because they are four of the genuinely nicest people you’ll ever meet and they subconsciously bond over it.

-The Wolf Mother and the Dark Lady are drinking buddies

How do they complain about their husbands/step-children to each other?

-Now when it comes to complaining? The Lady of Iron is there, first in line to start complaining about her husband and you know who’s right behind her? The Lady of the Iron Hands because I know in my heart of hearts she’s beefing with her step-children. Between these two there are literal hours of content.

-Even though those two are in a league of their own, most gatherings between these women usually devolve into complaints about their husbands.

-Fun fact: It’s actually during one of these complaint sessions that Lady Guilliman got the idea to ban paperwork from the bedroom.

-Although, some of these women are putting back breaking work into these men, so honestly, they deserve to complain a little

Who is talking up their husbands/step-sons?

-You know who’s not complaining? Lady Aurelian and the Lady of the Death Guard on god they love their husbands more than anything and no one knows why because they are so hot. Deadass, they pulled up to the function looking like goddesses with baked goods and everyone else was like “…sorry, the Imperium’s Next Top Model is like two doors down”, but no they were in fact in the right place and everyone is still surprised.

-Also, be careful when it comes to mentioning the step-children because there are some *cough* The Mother of the Salamanders *cough* who keep a whole book of all their kids and their accomplishments on them at all times and they will yap on about them for HOURS. The Mother of the Salamanders is like one of those dads that have pictures of their kids accordion style in their wallet and they open it up and a whole string of pictures falls out but she has too many kids so she needs a book.

-It’s also a perilous topic of conversation around The Lady of Angels and The Lady of the Emperor’s Children because they will pull out their step kid’s artwork and they will make you look at it and compliment it. For. Hours.

-It’s not unheard of for particularly these three to be at events with the step-children and not shut the fuck up about them.

…

The Mother of the Salamanders: *to the person next to her* This is my son [insert Salamander name here]. He is just the most wonderful son ever. He just got back from defending a planet from Xenos! Look at this picture of him right after they claimed victory! *holds up a picture of said Salamander covered in blood looking majestic on the battlefield* And look at this sword he just made! He’s so talented! *proceeds to open a whole scrapbook, flip to said son’s page, and fold out a ton of pictures because they wouldn’t all fit on the paper* And look at this-

Salamander: *blushing under his helmet*

…

The Mother of Angels: *to the person next to her* You know, my son here [insert Blood Angel name here] is quite the performer.

Random Noble Probably: Ah, really-

The Mother of Angels: Yes! He’s just so talented! *pulls out a stack of photos* You see, this is him playing the piano, his first instrument, and then here you see he decided to try out the harp. He’s absolutely excellent at both and then- *continues chattering on and on*

Blood Angel: *flattered that Mom cares so much*

…

The Lady of the Emperor’s Children: *sits down next to someone* Hello, lovely, how are you?

Random Noble: Ah, My Lady, I’m well and you?

Lady of the Emperor’s Children: Ah, I’m spectacular. Say, have you met my son [insert Emperor’s Child name here]?

Random Noble: We have not had the pleasure.

Lady of the Emperor’s Children: Well, this is [insert name again]. You know, he’s quite the talent, almost perfect at anything he tries his hand at. You know, he recently picked up painting. *starts rummaging and pulls out a stack of photos* See, here was his first one. I was so surprised at how good he was on his first try, and then he followed it up with this one and I was absolutely blown away! *Off she goes on a tangent*

Emperor’s Child: *can’t tell whether to be flattered or concerned that Mom has that many pictures of him*

…

-Though they aren’t the only three culprits of this, most of them have done this, the rest of them, though, usually shut up after about an hour or two and only have a few pictures on them of their step kids.

-cuts over to the Lady of the Iron Hands and her step-children who are trying to growl at each other around a very tired looking Ferrus Manus who is sat between them.

-though, most of these women love to brag about their step-children and how great at everything they are.

-The Lady of Iron is also another big culprit, she loves showing off her step-kids. She has also threatened Perterabo within an inch of his life when he’s ragged on his kids.

-The mental health of the Iron Warriors rose significantly once the Lady of Iron was apart of the picture.

-Almost as much as they like bragging about their husbands.

-As much as they complain, this is a group of the most fiercely loyal group of women you’ll ever get in a room together.

-They hear a whisper of a complaint about their husband? It’s over for you, you’ll be dead or wishing you were by dinner. They hear you praise their husband? You’re not leaving until they’ve told you every amazing thing their husbands have ever done in their lives.

The Ultimate Uniting Factor:

-There is one person, one man, in the entirety of the known and unknown galaxy who has the ability to bring these women, even the Red Lady and the Wolf Mother, together like nobody else: Big E

-If you mumble under your breath anything that could possibly be construed as a complaint against the Emperor of Mankind then you may as well have shined the Batsignal in the air because these women are coming out of the woodwork.

-Now they are all here and they have all involved you in a conversation that couldn’t be construed as anything but absolute treason if it were to come out of anyone else’s mouth

-If you were to put these women in a room together and point a camera at them and let them talk for a few hours, every single time it would devolve into irate ranting about Big E. You would never catch a kind word about Big E falling from their lips.

-The Emperor won’t step foot in the same zip code as these women because he understands that they are down every second of every day to literally evict him from life.

-The Emperor literally started a crusade as an excuse to leave Terra because he got word that the Khatun was on her way.

-Say what you will about the Emperor of Mankind, he’s smart enough to know that these women will end him where he stands if they ever get their hands on him.

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Xenophilia, Missing Person, Alien…I cant tell wtf is going on with this one…

Spin this wheel of ~300 AO3 tags three times.

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The Real Housewives but it’s the Real Housewives of the Imperium and it’s the spouses of the Primarchs sitting calmly and having tea together while everything around them is on fire

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Thinking about Legion Mothers and came to realise how both funny and weird situation with Emps have had to be for partner of Primarch. Especially if they married before Emperor's visit.

Just imagine getting married to this weird giant dude who seems to have went from baby to adult in like a bloody week. Somehow this weird giant man became ruler of your town, then state, then entire fucking planet. Now you are queen of entire universe. Alright, it will take getting used to, but you are happy. It so might happen you become pregnant and go not only through difficult pregnancy and birth process thinking you will literally explode soon if that baby is not out by the end of the month, but now you two have weird kid together. Maybe another one after that even. Maybe more if God bless your poor soul, your giant husband is a damned sniper. But you still love your entire weird family.

Now one day this even more divine looking giant gold man shows up out of fucking nowhere and adresses your weird husband as his son. Sure. This is weird, but not the weirdest shit you have seen and experienced so far. But before that your new divine gold in-law tells your weird giant husband he will have to leave and go conquer galaxy for his Imperium. Great. You are a single mother of three by now.

But it gets weirder, even if you expect it possibly cannot. Your gold in-law opens up cargo bay of his ship and pours out like 10'000 weird, taller-than-you-but-shorter-than-your-weird-giant-husband men in metal suits. They all stare at your giant husband like they hit gold. Your divine in law tells your giant husband these are his legion of his sons. Bunch of random men made from flesh of your husband. And he now has to lead them to battle.

You starte at all this in horror. Now you are not mother of three, but mother of entire legion plus three. How are you supposed to feed all your new children? How to remember their names? Birthdates?

And then you realise that no, these men in metal suits cannot come only from your giant weird husband. They had to have mothers. So your husband had to have made them somehow behind your back.

So you turn to your giant husband for answers like this

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Emotional Support

A/N: Hiii everyone, this is my first kinda work for Warhammer and I’m very excited. This is just a funny intro I came up with in my head with more to come about each legion. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

Warnings: none

Are you, citizen of our great Imperium, craving a change in career? Or are you otherwise unemployed and seeking stable employment? Well, we here at Imperium of Man Inc. have just the career for you!

After years and years of research, it’s come to the attention of everyone involved that we humans are communal by nature and crave intimate relationships with other humans and have a great need for those deep fulfilling bonds (platonic, romantic, or otherwise). This also rings true for your local Space Marine Chapter. Therefore, we here at Imperium of Man inc. have a bunch of emotionally stunted Space Marines desiring people with whom they can essentially imprint on and we need the serfs to be able to do their jobs…Either way, this gap in the market has prompted us here to roll out the first of many programs designed to keep the Empire’s finest in tip top shape. We’d like to introduce to you, Imperial citizen, our newest career path - Emotional Support Human!

That’s right! Today, you could be one of a select few chosen after a series of tests to be placed with your local space marine chapter to be their Emotional Support Human and help support the Emperor’s Angels in a variety of ways.

Qualifications:

-Passing all Imperial Temperament Tests

-Excellent communication skills (verbal, written, etc)

-Happy, Courteous, Enthusiastic, Attentive and Empathetic

-Meets mobility requirements

-Proficient in the Imperial and High Gothic (High Gothic lessons available after employment)

-Ability to multitask

-Work under pressure and at a fast pace

-Willing to learn and understand complex military terminology and strategies

-Able to cope with sudden changes in elevation and being carried around

-Able to perform deep pressure therapy

-Able to cope with hearing complex trauma and lend support as needed

-Able to wield a basic knife and fire a weapon with decent accuracy (training provided if skills not already acquired)

-The mental fortitude to see eldritch horrors beyond comprehension and not go insane

-Comply with imperial policy

-First aid may be required based on legion policy

Benefits:

-competitive salary

-A clean room to sleep in (may share with other emotional support humans based on legion policy)

-At least three meals a day

-free visits to the legion Apothecary

Being an Emotional Support Human HCs:

- You were basically snatched off the street by Imperial employees with little grace. Let’s be honest here, it’s the Imperium.

- The whole time you’re convinced that they’re about to turn you into a servitor. You’re not stupid, you’ve heard the stories of people being yanked of the streets and going missing all to end up as servitors

- You just hope they lobotomize you quickly.

- To say you’re confused when they just stick you in a random room and congratulate you on being selected as a potential candidate for their newest program is an understatement and you’re even more confused when they tell you that they are about to administer their new test for you.

- Do you have to take a test to become a servitor now? You thought the only requirement was a mostly functioning brain?

- You comply (not that you have much choice with the two armed guards staring you down) and take the test, a little unnerved the whole time as the proctor administers the test, but oh well.

- Next thing you know, you’ve passed and they congratulate you on your new job - a Space Marine Emotional Support Human (SMESH/ESH but smesh is just funnier-)

- Anyway, you have no idea wtf that is, but you’re apparently not becoming a servitor and that’s about enough to get you to do anything.

- Plus, a free room and three meals a day were apart of the benefits package and they had you at that.

- You’re moved into another room with about 20 other people, all of you looking equally as confused.

- An Imperial employee gets up in front of you and congratulates you on being the first batch and trial run of the Imperium’s newest hare brained scheme (your words not theirs) - the Space Marine Emotional Support Human program.

- Your new job? Becoming your local space marine legion’s new in-house therapist/stress toy/state sponsored best friend

- Out of everyone that was tested, 21 people passed, and the lot of you were the 20 selected to be in the program (one person per legion). You think 21 people passing the stupid test is ridiculously low but whatever. (Turns out, being able to tolerate your now line of work takes a pretty optimistic and mentally sturdy person that’s not all that common)

- You’re given your new uniform and basically shunted off to your new forever home and to the people the Imperium would love for you to bond with…what could go wrong?

[bathroomcryptid]

The Imperium starts temperament testing people like you would a canine.

Imperium: Good with strangers, recovers quickly from fear, good in strange settings, is curious and investigative, empathetic, and has a calm disposition. This one’s perfect! Grab them!

Now your new life is getting to listen to hulking Space Marines talk about their trauma and do deep pressure therapy on the equivalent of a brick wall, but hey, now you have a fun vest, you get at least a meal a day, somewhere to sleep, and you never have to worry about anything because there are now a bunch of 7ft tall, built like a truck soldiers who are now very attached to you.

Y’all remember when they essentially gave cheetahs emotional support/companion dogs to keep them calm and bond with each other?

Imagine being your local Space Marine’s emotional support human.

…

Space Marine: *jumps at a sound and immediately points their bolter in that direction*

Emotional Support Human: *gently lowers the bolter* Babes, that’s just steam. It’s okay.

…

Space Marine: *picks up child by the leg*

Emotional Support Human: Nope, that’s not how we handle civilians. Yep, under the arms, there ya go.

…

*two Space Marines arguing*

Their Emotional Support Humans: Remember, kind words and I feel statements. We don’t want thrown fists, right? Gentle hands, gentle haNDS!