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[bccrazyknowscrazy]

Living with a Narcissist

i use to think that my life was normal; for the most part i really did think that everybody had a parent like mine. someone who seemed so proper and put together in public and then behind closed doors, they would belittle you, yell and scream, and insist that they were always right and everybody else was wrong. 

as a millennial, i, of course, found out through tiktok that that’s not really the case. i mean, im sure its very common to have a narcissistic parents, but only now did i understand what that really meant. i am not a stranger to self-loth and depression, but i starting to realized that a lot, and I mean A LOT of my childhood trauma stems from their ways of parenting. now that i know what i’m dealing with, its not so bad as it use to be. I think it’s because i can actually put a name to the actions and feelings. 

with one who deals with mental illness, i, like everyone else on this planet, am not perfect. i am still dealing with how to cope with urges of self-mutilation and panic attacks. i use to turn to alcohol as an escape, i thought it’d take away the internal pain, as alcohol does with external pain. but alas, i was wrong, nothing good came from any of the stuff i did in the past. i was honestly just trying to numb the pain with different pain.

i’m better now-- i’m 5 years sober when it comes to self-mutilation and 2 years of weening off alcohol to numb the pain. i still drink, but no longer the way i use to, really if anything, i barely drink nowadays. im still learning to deal with all my unresolved issued, but living with a narcissist makes its harder to set myself straight. i find myself blaming myself for everything because they tell me so. i find myself never being good enough to please them. i find myself thinking that my life and their life would be better if i was no longer around, be it running away or just stop living. dont worry, im never gonna do it, theyre just random thoughts in my head. but its just nice to get it out there because keeping these things to myself make me wanna explode, but also, i cant really devulge this information to others in fears id be a burden. so here it is, written on a platform that has fade with time, but not forgotten (like my trauma)

[bccrazyknowscrazy]

[bccrazyknowscrazy]

Sometimes i wish i never got “better”. Sometimes i miss the pain. Sometimes i miss not dealing with my problems, like dry swallowing a pill— it’s difficult at first, but it makes its way down eventually. This situation has opened my eyes and reminded me as to why i don’t like people. Mostly because they’re annoying but also because when i find someone i like and care about, i get too attached. It was better when i kept people at a distance and they didn’t know me. But now that they know me, they know I’m sad and broken. If i end up reverting back to my old ways, maybe there’s a way for them to not find out.. if i could fake it back then, i could fake it now.

[bccrazyknowscrazy]

im sorry. i wish there was more for me to say or do. I feel like this is all my fault. im upset about the situation, but im sure things will work themselves out. its gonna be fine. it has to be fine. it needs to be fine. its not even a big deal...

[bccrazyknowscrazy]

(x)

[bccrazyknowscrazy]

I have no regrets. I did what I set to do, though it did take much longer than I had originally intended it. I was caught in a moment of “now or never” and I took my shot. Given, it wasn’t the most smoothest approach, but I honesty didn’t care. In my head, I had planned it out: the place, the time, the words, everything.. and in reality, none it happened and none of that really cared. I was selfish and I did that. After being about to speak my truth, I was at peace. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much, the heavy load on my chest had finally been lifted, and everything felts so right in my world. The downfall was I didn't think of the aftermath, I was so consumed with completing the task at hand, I didn’t think about how it would make the other party feel. I didn’t give time for a response, though, I didn’t plan it that way, however, I can see how someone could think that. I’d be lying if I didn't say I was scared. I was shaking and nervous and so stupid but in the moment of it all, it was worth it. At least in my point of view.. I've got this urge to apologize, but the thing is, I’m not sorry. IF given the chance to do it again, I’d say no. I think it happened the way it was suppose to happen. I didn’t realize how much a burden like that was hurting me, eating me up inside. I was powerless and bending backwards just to keep this secret, but you're only as sick as your secrets and now that its out there, I don’t feel so bad anymore. I woke up this morning smiling and happy and its such a distance memory of what real happiness felt like that at first it seemed like something was off. But I embraced it. I said that I was going to work on expressing myself more and being more open about talking about my feelings. How’s that for feelings?

[bccrazyknowscrazy]

im sorry im not good enough to be the person you want and need in your life. please forgive me because I don't know how to fix this, to fix me. 

[bccrazyknowscrazy]

[bccrazyknowscrazy]

[bccrazyknowscrazy]

[bccrazyknowscrazy]

remind me how it use to be before I fell in love. remind me of the happiness I felt before you came into my life. remind me of a time when your name never escaped my lips. remind me of a time much simpler than this because for the life of me, I cannot recall. is this what I'm bound to, forever drowning in memories of you? can I go back in time before this all started and rewrite our paths? to be honest, even if I could, I doubt I would. every wrong door had led me here and I'm sure theres a reason for it. 

[bccrazyknowscrazy]

[bccrazyknowscrazy]

hair and make up goals:

reality:

[bccrazyknowscrazy]

[bccrazyknowscrazy]

[bccrazyknowscrazy]

YOUR LOVE MAKES ME SICK

[bccrazyknowscrazy]