bearhyog-blog

[bearhyog-blog]

{ self-para . part 2 }

One month.

One month was what it took for him to kiss her.

They had been meeting more and more often to play Overwatch, go out to the movies, take a walk with Ravi’s dog... She had held his hand on one of those walks, they had seemed like the cutest couple. Which, for him, was very confusing because at first he didn’t picture them as such but what was he expecting, of course they were headed in that direction. Yeeun knew about Hani, she knew where he stood and where his heart still was, but she didn’t seem to care, or at least she made it obvious that she wanted them to work out and that she was enough for him to forget his ex and move on. Which he should, right? 

The kiss, though, that had taken place in front of her dorm one night when he took her home. It had been sweet, tasting of cherry flavoured chapstick. They had held hands and then hugged, and that night he had asked her to be his girlfriend.

She had beamed with a nod of her head. “Of course, silly.”

[bearhyog-blog]

{ self-para . part 1 } The Nurse Effect

Little did Hyuk know that his heart would skip a beat that night for the first time in over a year. He was at a party at his own place, a private one with his closest friends, members and their own guests. Which basically meant both guys and girls had been invited over to watch them play Overwatch, then a movie, then another movie and eat eat eat. There had been music too but everyone was too out of it to pay any attention to it. 

Taekwoon had retreated to his bedroom with a girl, Hongbin was still playing on the PS4 with his secret boyfriend, Ilhoon was drunkly having a discussion about seaweed with Jaebum and the girls were either glued to the other guests or dancing to their own drums.

Hyuk yawned. It had been a long day and the alcohol he had ingested was making him sleepier and sleepier. Not that it was too much but since he wasn’t used to it, it had instant effect on his brain. So he, too, called it a night and headed over to his bedroom.

He bumped into a couple of people on his way there which somehow made him change course and enter the kitchen. “What the hell?” How did he end up there? He looked around and was pleased to see there was no one there. Ah~ some peace and quiet. He then proceeded to the fridge to grab some snacks and soda, only to realise he wasn’t in fact alone but someone was already there. 

He waited for whoever it was to close the door so he could attack the fridge.

“Oh. Hey.” She said with a coy smile when she spotted him behind her. She was soooooooooooooo pretty, dear lord. Not that it mattered anyway. Medusa herself could have been there that the effect on him would have been the same - stone cold heart. There just was no space for anything girl-related in his life. Or himself.

“Sup.”

“I’m sorry, I was just looking for something to eat, the guys devoured everything.” she said quietly with a bow of her head and stepped aside.

“It’s cool, I’m on the same mission.”

She giggled very softly. He didn’t know her name, he only knew she was from CLC like Taekwoon’s girlfriend. But he couldn’t help notice she was humble enough not to eat in front of him - after all, it was his food.

“It’s Hyuk, right? Sanghyuk oppa?”

“Mhm.”

“I’m Yeeun.”

“Cool.” he stepped forward to check inside the fridge.

“I saw how you played Overwatch. And I gotta say...”

“Thanks.” 

“Oh don’t thank me yet.” she threw at him with a challenging smile. That caught his attention and he turned his head to face her beautiful features again.

“Oh?”

“I would kick your ass any day.” her smile was no longer innocent, there was intention in her expression as well as her voice. Uh-oh.

“Is that so?” he caught himself smiling in return, amused by the other’s behaviour. Because, let’s face it, there was nothing he liked more than a good challenge and she seemed up for it. “I have the game in my room if you want to prove yourself right?”

He didn’t realise at first that an invitation to his bedroom could be taken in a completely different way. He wasn’t looking for sex and if she wasn’t either, he would probably get slapped so hard there would be no more CLC running around the house. But what came in response was...

“Bring it. Let’s see what you have against me.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He sat on his bed. Pondering. Watching. Wondering.

The party had ended an hour ago but Yeeun stayed ‘a little longer’ as she had told her friends. She was now exploring his pristine bedroom, picking up accessories and casually examining them, his cologne, his action figures... until she came sit down beside him after he held out the extra controller. He had been preparing the game they had started in the living room.

“Are you ready to be massacred?” she challenged him in a low voice, almost as if she was telling him a secret.

“Do you remember what happened just 5 minutes ago?” he recalled the victory his team claimed over Hongbin’s earlier that evening, glancing over with a smile.

She just nudged him and they both laughed. In about 10 seconds, the game started and they were both lost in it for a good three hours, just sitting on his bed like two old friends. That was the power of gaming, after all - bringing total strangers together. 

“Can I get you something to eat? Drink?” he asked when she beat him and the game paused for the next level. She was good, really good. And she had been silent all through the duration of the game, which was more than he could say for most people and something he really appreciated. He reached for cookies and drinks while she watched him:

“I’m sure you’re not hungry, with all the dirt I just made you eat.”

That made him laugh out loud.

She quietly took the food and soda from him and took a bite and a sip of each. He looked at her. She was so cool...

“We should do this again some time.” she suggested, peeking up at him.

“Totally.”

“Maybe over coffee instead?”

He met her gaze and for a second didn’t breathe. Did she just ask him out?

“I...”

“We can go to Game Center instead of here if you want?”

“No, that’s fine. Here is fine.”

“Awesome.” she sipped a little more. “I’ll bring some Starbucks next time.”

“Deal.”

“Deal.”

It didn’t take long for her friends to come back to get both her and Elkie from the dorm. He didn’t leave his bedroom or he knew he would have to endure teasing from the other guys. After all, nothing had happened between him and Yeeun but it had stirred something in him enough so that he didn’t want to hear about it from anyone. 

He didn’t sleep right that night, guilt heavy on his chest.

[bearhyog-blog]

{ OOC }

So... I’ve been missing. I needed some time for myself, I was really down and I just wanted to take a break from existing basically. I haven’t kept in touch with anyone, not even picking up the phone from grandma. I don’t know why specifically but I can tell you what has been happening in my life lately.

But before all that, I just want to take the time to thank you for keeping me up to date with your life and for always remembering me. I received your present last Friday and that made me sooooooooooooooooooooo happy. You have no idea, my favourite thing to colour is animals ^^ also, mom LOVED her calender, she hung it up on our living room and told me to thank you while complimenting your kindness and “foolishness” from wasting money on her. So thank you, thank you very much for your words, your actions and the postcards! They’re really well thought out and it makes my heart warm to know that I have someone who loves me, even if we’re far apart.

Where do I begin though.

As you know, I’ve been promised a job. I’m still waiting for it because the guy is so utterly busy he just can’t find the time to make videos with me. I don’t know, I’m disappointed I guess. Again. Mom also talked to the lady who was going to give me a ton of work and she also said she’s too busy. I might have a shot at teaching english 101 but the burocracy is crazy and idek how to handle situations like that, its all so complicated, my god. So I’ve been a little sad regarding that. But hey! I finished my portfolio if you wanna check it out. I’ll be adding stuff to it as I make more stuff. Here’s the link:  https://marquesara.wixsite.com/portfolio

What else is new? Ah! Since I’ve been feeling so lost and just down, I took on a little project. At first, it was going to be a turtle but the money to keep one is sooooooo much that I decided on dwarf hamsters. They’re very cute. They’re also kinda boring because they don’t interact with us but eh they’re nice to look at and feed and stuff. At first I got two: Francis and Sebastian. I read online that males are usually more calm than females so I decided on two males. AND I build their cage out of a plastic storage box, that wood flooring they have, cardbox as bed and stairs a wheel, a bird nest and feeding / drinking objects. It gave me a purpose, you know? And I was a little happier for a little while. They now live in my closet because my cats are crazy killers and they don’t leave the poor things alone. So during the day I leave the door open from the closet so they can see sunlight while I keep the door to my room closed so they can’t get in. At night I close the closet and leave the door open for the cats if they want to sleep on my bed. Oh! But that’s not all. I went back for a third mouse because the box was just so big for 2 little creatures. When I got to the store I said I wanted to take one more and the lady went. “We have two here but one is not for sale because he doesn’t have a leg so we can’t sell that one.” but I had noticed that one of the hamsters I had home had a limp so I told her that and she apologized and said I could take it back and they’d give me the money back for it. I said no way! The creature is no less of a creature because it has a limp! So the lady said she would offer me one hamster instead. I agreed to that (duh) but I saw that there was only one left in the cage so I told her I’d take that one too so he wouldn’t be alone. So now I have four hamsters living in my room. Oh! The others’ names are Aiden and Josh. They’re all named after characters from shows I love hahaha

Still on the animal train, we have Lolita! Lolita is a very pretty, young cat who gave birth to three kittens last month. She belongs to a friend of grandma’s and the poor cat got pregnant basically because the woman won’t sterilize her and she didn’t want to hear the cat whine so she let her free. Someone found her on the street, shaking, quivering in fear under a car and with major weight loss. Instantly, I wanted to take Lolita from that woman. And I might. I’m going to propose to her that I take her to the vet and do an aids test on her. I can’t add an aids cat in my family but I can help with the kittens. Mom wants to adopt one so we might just do that. Or take them all to the vet for responsible adoptions, because wtf... People are so selfish. I spent a whole hour in her house with Lolita and her kittens. Lolita is so gentle and thin and her cubs are still so small they can’t even meow sometimes. One is black and white, the other is white with brown spots and the other one is white and bege. They’re ALL adorable. But this kind of thing triggers me. I know I can’t be the super hero, saving all the animals but that makes me sad and just bleh.

Moving onward, in a talk with mom she said I had my savings from my childhood in the house and not in the bank anymore and it was a decent amount so instead of just worrying about the future all the time and seeing mom getting so stressed about money, I took her with me to the mall nearest, to Primark so we could both get some new clothes. She was really happy so we went once again days later. I paid for all of it. It wasn’t much but it was something we could never afford if it wasn’t for the savings since mom isn’t doing so well in her job. Anyway, I got sunglasses from dad that cost 25 CENTS!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, that’s how cheap that store is. You can get amazing deals. He was so happy for the random present hahahaha. I also then took a little more cash out of the envelope and told mom to come with me to a store nearby where the supermarket is, she was confused and asked why so I asked her “black, white or gold”? She was even more confused but on our way there she yells “YOU’RE NOT BUYING ME A PHONE ARE YOU?”. Let’s just say mom’s phone belongs in the 1700s and it has a lot of issues. So I searched online and I got a great deal from that store. Mom was FLOORED. It was nice to see. She’s been so down too so I wanted to cheer her up a bit! And it worked, she loved the phone. It’s no Terminator but it works fine, so ^^

I also got you a couple cute things but idk when I’ll be sending them because our post office is working like SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! I’m super mad at them. Remember when I told you I had some stuff from ebay coming? ONE IS STILL NOT HERE DUE TO A TECHNICAL DIFFICULTY. I was so pissed at them I emailed them to insult the crap out of them. Sigh. I hope it comes back soon or I’ll destroy the company with my screams.

Mom bought me an aloe vera plant.

I started washing my hair with shampoo after 1 year of flour. It’s organic, biologic and plant-based blah blah so that I can finally not have flour in my hair all the time but still don’t damage it with chemicals. I didn’t even know such things existed LOL but at the mall I saw this store glowing green and checked it out and NOW I AM FREE OF FLOUR HAHAHAHAHAH

In the meantime, I went to two funerals. No one I knew personally but they were family of family, you know? It made me remember to pray, I had forgotten the words hahahaha. And I like churches, they look old and historical and smell wooden-y hahahaahah I’m an idiot.

Anyway, basically I just dug myself a hole and covered it. I’m ready to resurface now, bit by bit. Thank the lord for TV series. Spoiler alert, Jon Snow sleeps with a very hot woman. LOL But what’s really got me going is this series called Being Human and it’s SOOOOOOOOOOO good. It’s about a vampire, a werewolf and a ghost who live together. They’re all friends against their species “rules”. It’s so dramatic and violent and romantic and emotional and omg I just want to marry Josh, he’s my little Teddy Bear. You should check it out! I think you’d like it. Don’t watch the UK version, that SUCKS. Watch the US remake. Ughhhhhhhh. I even wrote fanfiction about me and Josh HAHHHAHAHAHAHAHA It’s silly but when you’re by yourself that’s what you do.

I just... I really can’t explain it. I fell like Alice in Wonderland (idk if you’ll get the reference or if you saw the movie) but she falls down this hole in the ground and there’s all sorts of things she sees around her like tea pots and chess tables and singing butterflies AS SHE FALLS (more like floats down). And then I felt trapped, I didn’t know which way to go. Should I wait for work here, should I just pack my things and go to Ireland? It’s all so blurry and I think the anxiety of it all caught up to me.

Which reminds me! I upped my meds and they’re working well :)

What else...

Hmmm, oh I have the flu -_- I think I caught it from a kid at dad’s house the other day I went there to have dinner with them. I feel like I weigh 1000000000000kg but it’s all physical, you know? Clogged nose, horrible dry cough, bit of a fever. Nothing that won’t cure itself. 

I think that’s all there is to tell, actually. The rest of my days I just spend watching shows with mom, sleeping the day away because the meds make me sleepy, walking Mel, taking naps, and more naps. Oh right! And I’m doing therapy too. They stopped the OCD therapy for now because I believe I’m in a good place right now, controllable state that I don’t need a doctor to continue with my treatment for that. But now we’re going all the way back to my childhood and why I only have nightmares and why do I dream of the same guy over and over who I didn’t even date but like... it was a crush in MIDDLE SCHOOL. She basically said I’m emotionally damaged (what a surprise) and that led to consequences such as not liking men unless they’re fictional. But we just started on that so we’ll see where this goes. I think that put me down too, I had to write about every guy I had been involved even at 12 years old and I hated remembering all those times and people and that ALSO contributed to me not being in the brightest of mood.

Then I tried joining a RP as JB from GOT7 because he’s a hot piece of ass. I was on like 7 different dates, not even kidding but I lost interest because they were too easy. I left and joined as Yeeun. No one talked to me so I left again and came back as Ken and his ex from a rp like... two years ago is there and it’s so awkward I just stopped showing. 

And that has been my life!

You have no idea how much I’ve missed you and I wanted to talk to you but I just didn’t have the strength... I’m sorry about that and for not being there when you needed me, I truly feel so bad. But I’m here now okay? And I’ll even rewind here so that we don’t clog the messenger feed (which we tend to do a lot)

[bearhyog-blog]

Han Sanghyuk had always been a centered man, aware of his emotions and in control of his actions. That, of course, up until when he met his now ex-girlfriend, which had kind of been the reason why they had split up. However, it had also been why their relationship had worked so well. She had made him feel things he never thought possible and he would make sure she knew just that by spoiling her, loving her, soothing her~ Thing was, this was no exception even though it should definitely be since they were nothing to each other now. Or were they… WELL, what could you do when the love of your life stood right in front of you, begging you to quench her thirst for you.

Because now it wasn’t just about emotion. His every cell burst into flames, his lips having to part for little gasps of air. She was real. She was there. She was stripping him. She wanted him. Fuck him if he wasn’t about to oblige.

He stood there looking down at her exposed body. She was wearing his favourite color bra, the little contrast it had against her skin making him want to feel it on his fingertips. But there was no time for that now, he wanted her whole, he wanted her right then and there.

“My baby…” he breathed out, eyes heavy with yearning. “You’re mine now. I’m not letting you go. Ever.” he kissed her then and he kissed her hard, claiming her lips, her tongue, his hands cupping her cheeks, her neck… She was his now. He wasn’t rough, but there was no hesitation on his part, no attention whether he was hurting her or not because he knew her too well, he knew exactly how much he could push, pull, squeaze, demand. So his hands dropped to her chest, cupping her breasts in a rotating motion.. and oh how he kept kissing her, pinning her against the door. “I love you.” he whispered against her mouth “So much.” and that’s when he picked her up, hands behind her thighs forcing them open to fit right up against his hips. He moaned, travelling down her neck to nibble the skin there, sucking so good, marking her as his. And he did it again by her shoulder. And again on her collarbone. “Fuck–” he cursed, the way he naturally rubbed against her in all the right places forcing him to break contact - and then he looked her in the eyes, studying her face for a moment. “God… Hani.”

Time for a spin. A couple steps. He wanted in, he needed in.

He set her down on the sink so it would support her weight while he undid her pants, staring into her eyes while he did the same with his, as if she could flee at any second and he would never have the chance to see them again. So beautiful… So familiar… So distant but so close…

Her underwear would be next and that was his goal when he pushed her back against the mirror, but holy fucking shit the view was just too good to pass on. His hands were on her waist and sliding down her hips… her legs, her inner thighs and then back up, as if savouring the softness of her milky skin. The bra, though, that was too good to skip as well and that’s where his hands went next, squeazing all their glory. “All mine…” he stated, gaze shooting up to meet hers again. “I missed you, baby.”

001. But when I try to forget tears well up

[bearhyog-blog]

exidemente

[bearhyog-blog]

Maybe 10 seconds had passed. Maybe 10 years while he processed what was going on. Had his hyungs-- had Jaehwan hyung really told her Hyuk wouldn't be home? With what purpose? For them to see each other? Why would he want that? Was he interested in her? Or... Maybe he thought Hyuk wouldn't really be home- Oh, right. Hyogah had come back earlier than his normal schedule. Should he really be upset over Jaehwan hyung's honest mistake or should he actually be furious hyung had taken the risk?

He was sure that even if there had been no risk at all, Hyuk would still know she had been over. Her perfume lingered after her, even in a room filled with strong male cologne. And now it surrounded him like incense in a small room - it filled every inch of his being, every cell that still craved for hers. And little did it have to be with actual fragrance, but the so familiar scent he had been missing every night before he went to bed, every morning he dragged himself out of it to go through yet another day of dull pain and intense guilt... The moment her hand met his cheek, his did the same. Stroking her soft, velvet-like skin, he felt every ounce of pain her eyes echoed from her soul, the tears only making his already desperate heart increase the beating tempo. He wanted to tell her to come back to him, to beg her for undeserved forgiveness, to let him take care of her, kiss her tears away and hold her better. He said nothing, though. How could he...

It was almost as talking about them and what had happened to them was forbidden topic, like bringing up the subject would somehow damage further what was already broken. But when she started talking again, that's when he was rendered completely speechless. He couldn't believe what he was hearing, he couldn't trust his ears, his brain or his judgement at that moment.

She was still not over him.

She is still not over me.

She still thinks of me.

Maybe it wasn't all over. Maybe a new chapter had just begun for them. Maybe...

I can't forget you either. He thought to himself.

And then he kissed her. Oh how he kissed her~

His hand cupped her face. He leaned forward, pressing her against the wall so deliciously. He pulled back a few times only to bring in back more pecks and scoring a lingering, overly sweet and undoubtedly cherishing kiss.

It said I love you. It said I miss you. And even if it didn't say I'm sorry because there was no place for it right then, it spoke louder and heavier than any word ever professed to her by him.

001. But when I try to forget tears well up

[bearhyog-blog]

© TwinTweet ★ DO NOT EDIT

[bearhyog-blog]

{ self-para } You made me believe forever was a thing

It had been 6 and a half months since Sanghyuk’s life took a turn for the worst

1. He had upped his regular exercising time and intensity 2. He had come first several times on Overwatch 3. He had gone shopping with Taekwoon hyung twice a week 4. He had been to the movies more often than he had in his childhood 5. He had visited his family once every two weeks 6. He had written and composed new music on his own 7. He had walked Dagger for hours on end every free morning he had 8. He had cut sugar completely 9. He had learned all the names of his now favorite youtube stars 10. He had even started taking 10 minute showers. Cold. Imagine that.

Because... 1. He had to be exhausted at the end of the day so he could sleep 2. The game kept his mind busy with things other than his mistakes 3. He could use the time out with someone who would literally not say a word the whole time and ask him how he was 4. Movies kinda worked like the game. But in this case he didn’t have to stay home and socialize when the guys were home. 5. He needed the sense of belonging, the feeling of being home. 6. About his break up. About his heartache. Because it was the only time he allowed himself to feel anything at all. So he put it into his music. He turned everything into art, into something beautiful. 7. He loved the dog. It reminded him that he was still capable of loving someone and not harm them. And he needed the fresh air. 8. Sugar gives you rushes of emotion, whether they’re good or bad. In his case, no good emotion could break through the cold waill he’d built around his heart. 9. Because he couldn’t bare to watch TV with the others, he stuck by the corner with his laptop, watching every single stupid or funny video he could find to relax his mind. 10. Showers make you think. Warmth allows your body unnecessary cravings. He couldn’t handle either.

So yes, Sanghyuk had basically turned into an emo teenage boy with a good sense of hair fashion.

It had been his fault. She had left him because he wasn’t able to control his jealousy, to focus enough not to be overwhelmed with it and therefore hurt the first thing that moved. His own source of happiness, his one and only true love, the girl he’d do anything for, the only person in the world he would have died for. Gone. Just like that. Gone forever.

He had thought about contacting her multiple times but what good would that have done? After the way he treated her, he could only expect one thing from her: that she would move on. And hopefully she had because she didn’t deserve to be treated that way, to be on the look-out of when her boyfriend was going to strike her again.

As Hyuk whistled for Dagger to return to him that morning, he turned around expecting her to come running so when she didn’t he tried again. But nothing. With a skipping beat of his heart he turned around and made the way back where he’d come from. “Dagger!” he called out and whistled again.

“Sangyuk oppa! Sangyuk oppa!” a soft, high pitched voice connected to a face as he looked for the source and he instantly sighed in relief to see his dog beside a trusted human.

He approached them with a warm a smile as he could pull off. “So that’s where she went”.

“She recognized me and it seems she likes me. Look!” the girl crouched down and Dagger attacked her face with kisses. But Hyuk wasn’t mean enough to tell her Dagger did that with almost anyone she met.

“So it seems.”

Her name was Jang YeEun and she had been introduced to him as a joke by mutual friends in the industry. They got to talking when she and a bunch of other people had been invited over to the dorm for Jaehwan’s birthday. “Enough with the noonas, Sanghyuk-ah.” Hongbin had stated and so BamBam saw it fit to push him against a couple girls chatting behind the couch, like boys did in middle school. With a homicidal look in his eyes, Hyuk cursed his hyung’s friend under his breath and turned immediately to apologize to the victims of GOT7′s breadstick.

A month later, they were dating.

As in, going on dates. Nothing official.

Which sickened him to the core but how else would he ever get better if he didn’t let go of Heeyeon? Yeeun was an incredible girl but she wasn’t Hani. She was a good dancer, a good singer, a good person, sweet, caring, somewhat shy at first, gentle, beautiful... but she wasn’t Hani. No one would ever be her, not even compare. But he had to try. He had to convince himself that second best was all he would ever get in life. God, it was so hard. It made everything extra difficult. But what else could he do? He had to try... He had to try.... He was trying. He had to consider himself lucky because he got a second chance at love with a great girl. He kept trying to talk himself into believing he wasn’t feeling anything because it was too early on in the relationship (if you could even call it that) but... he never felt like being with her, his heart didn’t skip beats, he didn’t miss her, he didn’t think of her, he didn’t text her...

He had kissed her. He had gone much further than that too. 

But she wasn’t Hani.

“I thought I’d meet you here, Hongbin oppa said you took walks with Dagger in the morning. I hope that wasn’t too forward of me?”

“Not at all. Are you here alone?” her face lightened with a smile. She probably throught he meant to ask if it was okay to... what, kiss her in public? Walk her home? Buy her coffee?

“I... am, yes. Do you wanna go somewhere? I’m free.”

“I have work.” he simply said and called the dog over.

“What time?”

“Uh... 3, I think.”

“Well, maybe we could go have lunch together?”

“I have to drop Dagger off at home.”

“That’s okay. I’ll come with.”

Fuck. Today just wasn’t a good day. It was a blue day, as he liked to call them. Mostly because it was when missing noona hit him the hardest and all he wanted to do was hide his shameful face from the world. But with Yeeun he would have none of that. He knew she meant well, probably encouraged by Hongbin to make him feel better, who knew, but he just wasn’t up to par.

“Sure.” he agreed because he didn’t want to be impolite but at least he’d come up with the work lie so she would have to leave him before 3pm.

Jeesh. What a sucky boyfriend he really was. He beated the shit out of his first girlfriend ever and he kept ditching the second because he was still pining over the first. Well done, Hyuk. So mature.

But it wasn’t that simple. How could it be with him.

No one understood how much Hani noona had meant to him, still did. If anything, they were a freaking disney couple, there couldn’t be anything more perfect than what they had had. His members would engourage him to see other girls, his other friends actually did something about it and his family kept asking about getting a new girlfriend and when was he thinking about giving them grandchildren. They didn’t understand. No one could.

Hani noona wasn’t a fantasy to him, she wasn’t a noona adventure, a first girlfriend tragedy, a disposable cum bag, an idol interest. She was his. His every reason. His every breath. His best friend. His most treasured possession. His partner. His future wife. The mother to his children. His moon. His stars. His universe.

And now she was nothing.

He was nothing.

[bearhyog-blog]

It was weird how the game was a major distraction in a good and a bad way: It was the perfect excuse not to look at her, not to think about her or the reasons she was there, not to feel anything at all; but it was also torture not to be able to look at her, not to think of her, not to feel so warm and cold. It was downright painful to sit there so close to her after an ending such as theirs, after missing her for so long, after the things he’d done to try and forget her, after he had somehow come to the conclusion that his life would go as it was: lonely, boring, music-based. With that in mind, he reminded himself not to be quiet in that moment but it wasn’t working. He should appear the same chatty, goofy, challenging Hyuk he always was when they were all playing together but how could he... How the hell did people survive break-ups?! How did some stay friends?! Well, easy. No one had ever had what Hyogi and his warrior princess once did... and he was afraid no one ever would again. Not even them.

It didn’t take a break, a change of levels or even a pause in the game to make Hyuk snap out of it and shove the controller into Wonshik hyung’s hand and stand up. Hani had left her seat and she did NOT look well at all. Was she sick? Was she embarrassed to be with all the guys? There was a girl present, she could have talked to her or something. No, that couldn’t be it. What was it, damn it? One thing was sure: Hyuk hated being in doubt. And Hyuk also hated to see his loved ones in distress.

Wait, no. You don’t love her. he told himself uselessly as he made his way to her, not without Jaehwan’s hand around his elbow, trying to stop him. Like that would do anything. There was incredibly no silence from the living room, though. They were all enjoying the game too much to notice. And besides, Wonshik was a good player so it’s not like Hongbin hyung would mind the switch.

He waited until she turned to pick up his pace and catch up to her.

She was going to the bathroom. 

With all but a good expression on her face. Shit.

As she stood in front of the door, his hands went to her lower back and he pushed her inside gently, turned her around and closed the door with her back pressed against it. He was careful, he didn’t hurt her...and he stood right in front of her, only now dropping his hands. 

He stood there in silence for a little while, just looking at her, studying her features, treasuring each second he could spend with her so close to him. God, he was so fucked.

“What is the matter?” he simply asked, his voice so low she wouldn’t be able to hear him hadn’t she been that close.

Who do I have to kill to bring your smile back? Why are you here today? Do I mean nothing to you anymore? I almost forgot how beautiful you are this close to me. I miss you. Let’s never leave this bathroom again.

Right.

And penguins are pink.

001. But when I try to forget tears well up

[bearhyog-blog]

hani is goals

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1st look

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There was a knock on the door as Hyuk sat in his bed, contemplating the idea of staying there until everyone left, playing with Dagger, who was all too happy to see him. He had to keep her in his bedroom or she would destroy the whole house for being alone. Yeah, she was one vengeful pup. So he kept her in because she wasn’t the kind to mess up her little home - where they slept, where he fed her and where he played with her the most. Of course the other members would goof around with her from time to time and she was more than welcome to roam around while someone was in, but the moment that dog found her home humanless BAM she turned into dogzilla. The same with when strangers were home, she wouldn’t stop barking and nagging everyone, which Hyuk knew had been the case here.

Anyway, and however, staying there would be kind of immature but who could blame him? The only source of true happiness and real misery he had ever experienced was hanging out with his closest friends right at that moment in his living room. Groan. Was it really whatever for her to just drop by and... sit there with his buddies? Had someone invited her? Which would be kinda worse because they knew Hyuk and noona had broken up a few months ealier. Maybe... What if... she was dating one of the guys? 

Rage quickly grew within him, jealousy taking over right then while he wondered who the hell he was going to have to kick out. And kick around.

Wait wait hold up, you can’t do anything. he thought. If he makes her happy then- Ah fuck that.

Hyuk was NOT about to punch someone in the face just because he was dating his ex. Right? Right.

Another knock.

“What?!” he threw at the door like it was the one saying all those things to him.

“They’re kicking my ass. I need you.” Hongbin’s head said as it peeked inside. “Come on, man. They brought drinks.”

And god knew just how hard it was for them to have alcohol in the house.

“I’m coming. I just need to change.”

After Hongbin left him alone, he did in fact change into something less warm than the outfit he’d brought home after showering: a baby blue cotton hoodie and white shorts. The moment he opened the door, Dagger shot out running towards the unknown, barking the heckles out of her little throat.

“Dagger” he called her as he reached the living room after she jumped on everyone and made half of them deaf. But when she reached her unnie, she stopped to sniffle her, wagging her tail and licking her hands and chin. “Dagger.” he repeated but how could he really put any authority into the command if the dog clearly missed his ex-girlfriend. God, she was beautiful... Her hair was shorter and her bangs weren’t as present, but she still looked so cute with that little hint of power she’d always had. Someone then approached him and pushed him gently onto the only armchair that was still free and that’s when he realised he was still staring at Hani noona. He told himself not to but what good did that do? None, of course. The game would be a good distraction. Even if only one level was needed so that his team would win over the other guys’. 

He whistled and Dagger came running back to him, snuggling up in his lap while he held the controler in his hands.

He still had 20 seconds before the level started. Twenty more seconds of blunt staring... he just couldn’t help himself. He had to understand why she was there, who had she come with, who was she-- Jooheon. It had to be Jooheon. He had heard rumours that there was a ship going on but because he had been avoiding all Hani-news he didn’t know for sure.

“3, 2, 1″ the TV announced, and he forced himself to shift his gaze towards it. And so he started playing. Playing with his oldest, strongest character: a charming asian female character with long brown hair, bangs, a purple outfit and a gazillion different weapons. She had been made with Hani noona in mind back when he started playing the game, which was while they were still dating. Hopefully, she wouldn’t notice--

001. But when I try to forget tears well up

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누가 그랬어 얼마 전에 Someone told me 널 봤다고  They saw you recently

너무 행복해 보였었다고 babe They said you looked so happy babe 힘이 빠지더라 Then I felt strengthless

벌써 날 잊어버렸는지 Maybe I hoped you would be unhappy 절대 그럴 리가 없는데  Are you over me already?

Han Sanghyuk almost dropped his phone as he fumbled with the front pocket of his hoodie to close his Spotify app. Enough of music, he could use some silent time as he made his way back to the dorm after having spent the day practicing and exercing. His hair was still wet from the shower he’d taken back at Jellyfish Ent., and he had forgotten his socks but neither phased him, not even a little. Nothing really did anymore and to be quite honest most things were actually either pretty pointless or downright annoying. Even if, in this case, the group was KARD, which was one he was particularly fond of. For about 6 months now anyting that he could empathise with, he ran in the opposite direction, and love songs just... made everything a little worse.

It wasn’t hard to guess why he was feeling the way he was and he was lucky his groupmates didn’t push it with him, keeping their distance, letting him grieve what he should have treasured more. Because it had been his fault that she left him. Or he left her... That they broke up, there. It was al on him... for being a hothead, a violent son of a bitch, a possessive, inflexible, untrusting assole who held on to his pride and anger, resulting in the love of his life walking out of his life with a black eye, wet cheeks and a broken spirit.

No, you’re not going to do this now. he told himself. It was fairly frequent that he would let blame wash over him and no matter how much time it had passed, it didn’t seem to go away anytime soon. Focusing back on the way ahead, he picked up the pace so that he would get home faster. But little did he know home was the last place he wanted to go. He had no clue of what was going on because no one had told him people were comig over as it was something that happened too often for the guys to even bother telling the others. Almost every night people would hang out, play games, make out (in the privacy of their bedrooms, of course), set dates, get drunk, etc etc. The price of fame, it seemed.

Hyuk opened the front door and didn’t face the crowd of blabbering baboons who were clearly too excited over Overwatch to even notice him. But he did notice something weird. Jaehwan and Hayeon hyungs dramaticaly changed their postures to a more upright one out of what he perceived as... fear? embarrassment? 

“What are you doing here?” Ken asked as Hyuk removed his shoes.

“Last time I checked I live here.” Oh yeah. Every inch of the bitterness in his voice was real, so very real.

“You weren’t supposed to come home until later.” Hakyeon commented. What the hell? How was that his business?

“Trainer is sick. Why do you look like---”

Oh. My. God. Were his eyes deceiving him or did he just walk in on his worst nightmare?! He had feared to see her on shows, performance, studios, so many times he started dreaming of it and each scenario was worse than the next. He always ended up hurting her too much, send her to the hospital, choke her to death, walk in on her having sex with that frog Heechul-- Ugh.

He actually trembled in disgust.

While staring.

How long had it passed since he’d come home?

Wait, was she really there or was exhaustion catching up to him?

Shit. She was real. What the hell. Why would someone bring her here?! Why would /she/ come here?

And so the worst happened.

“Hey.” he said to her. No, everyone. No, her. Yup, her. Way to go Hyuk. Get lost.

And so he did, keeping his head low as he headed to his room.

001. But when I try to forget tears well up