beckles

[beckles]

So, I’m getting married

A little over 2 weeks ago Ryan asked me to marry him and it was literally the best moment of my life.

This past year (13ish months) have been insane:

We started dating. We moved in together. I broke my foot. I quit my job to go back to my old company. I spent 9 days in the hospital then 3.5 weeks on the couch after emergency surgery. I bought a house. We moved. I remodeled my condo (he painted it all!) and I sold the condo. We got engaged. Now we’re planning a wedding for next fall. Plus all HIS stuff. ;)

I have never felt so calm during such a crazy whirlwind of a life. He has this incredible way of just calming my spirit so I’m not anxious, I’m not apprehensive, I’m not panicked. He still calls me beautiful as if it’s my name. He still smiles from ear to ear when he sees me in the morning. We giggle and roll our eyes and vent and dream and talk about the deepest concerns we have. We argue, but resolving is more important than being right. (Those who know me IRL know that’s *crazy* for me.) And we count the days until he can call me Wife and I can call him Husband.

I forgot that this blog’s byline was “Finding my Way (and not looking back)” but wow...I didn’t realize that could one day include finding him. 💜

[beckles]

Emergency esophageal surgery

Yep. That's a thing, apparently. Warning: this is gross but interesting. 3 weeks ago, I headed to work after the Memorial Day weekend and stopped in our cafeteria to grab some breakfast before I went to my desk. I had the breakfast of champions (scrambled eggs, bacon and Diet Coke, obvi) but at one point during breakfast I felt a tearing pain in my chest where I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. I couldn't swallow (it felt like something was stuck in my throat), I couldn't breathe, and the pain was shooting. I stood up and tried taking some deep breaths and paced for a minute but it wasn't helping. I ran to the garbage can as I thought I might vomit, but nothing came up. Panic. Majorly. I grabbed my stuff and found a bathroom barely in time to throw up...blood. I still felt like something was stuck in my throat and couldn't talk, felt I could function and just needed to concentrate on something to prevent myself from panicking more. So, I drove myself the 12 minutes to the ER. (And in hindsight, there were 2 ERs closer, but you don't think of things like that when you are worried you're dying.) Got to the ER, puked more blood. Luckily the ER was empty and I was taken back right away. They hooked me up to an IV, boyfriend arrived and I went through 45 minute cycles of not being able to breathe without being blended over then finally my stomach would shove everything back out of me in the form of more puked blood. Come to find out, my esophagus tore at some point which can happen if something cuts it (guessing that's not what it was because, scrambled eggs), you push too hard when you poop (not kidding), infections, swallowing a foreign object, etc. I have no idea what caused it to tear, but I guess people don't know what causes an appendix to erupt either. In addition, I was having an allergic reaction to the IV they gave me (Lactated Ringers = saline + electrolytes). At one point they disconnected me so I would be able to attempt an esophogram and suddenly I could breathe. I could sit up straight. I wasn't doubled over in pain. They hooked me back up and it started again. The ER doctor and nurse didn't believe me (cause that's a weird fucking thing to have a reaction to!) but luckily boyfriend was an Army Medic and asked them to switch the IV to a specific other kind and that somehow made sense to them. (Anesthesiologists and surgeons later confirmed it is rare but not unheard of) I was taken into emergency surgery when they found a small leak where the sphincter connects my esophagus to my stomach. The surgery was 6 hours or so and they cut open my left shoulder (as boyfriend says "they filet-ed you!"), pulled my ribs apart, deflated my left lung, cleaned out my chest cavity, and moved some muscle from between my ribs to patch my esophagus. They scoped my throat "3 or 4 times" because they couldn't find the exact spot of the leak, then realized scoping was about to damage me more. They stopped doing that, re inflated my lung, placed 3 chest tubes, and stitched me back up. Major, major surgery. For 6 days I couldn't eat. I had an epidural for over a week that blocked the pain from the surgical site. (I literally felt nothing from it. Epidurals are a magical thing that I want to be the poster child for.) The surgical team had set 2 IV points, but - fun fact - those are only supposed to be used for about 3 days before you have to pick a different vein. My veins don't like needles, so at one point after the epidural was removed, there was a 4 hour window where I received NO pain medicine because they couldn't find a vein. (This is a world-renowned hospital, not some mom-and-pop shop. My veins are assholes.) Chest tubes being removed is the strangest feeling ever. 9 days in a recovery room is too many. Jello only tastes good when you haven't eaten in 6 days. My dad, boyfriend, mom and sister are saints. Empathy is not part of a nurse's job description but the good ones are full of it. Recovering at home for 10 days is boring. But I'm alive.

[beckles]

Jessie Spano found herself a government contractor. 😁

Last night we went to his brother and sister-in-law’s for their Halloween party and it was my first time meeting them. I met them, his 2 sisters, his other brother and his cousin-practically-a-sister and her husband. #nopressure They were all so incredibly nice and welcoming! They knew his ex for so long I anticipated a bit of “ehh…we aren’t sure how we feel about this” but there was none. It was all excitement to meet me, including me in the crazy fun they were having and comments to him about them liking me.

Just another example of how incredibly easy this all has been. It’s crazy how smooth things have gone so far! We’ve been *very* honest with each other about everything and have only had 2 disagreements in 2 months - both resolved within the hour. He and I have zero drama and the drama of people outside of the two of us is way less exhausting when we can talk things through together.

He calls me beautiful like it’s my name. He respects my opinion and looks forward to hearing it. He’s been incredibly supportive and empathetic through my work environment becoming truly awful and has encouraged me every step of the way as I’ve been looking to find something better. And man, those kisses… 😍

So yeah, things are going pretty well. 😁

[beckles]

So…I have a boyfriend. Whoa.

Ryan and I met about 3 years ago through some mutual friends: one of my good guy friends is married to Ryan’s best female friend since high school. We were basically acquaintances – only seeing each other when those two friends would have a group gathering a few times a year. We had some stuff in common (a love of Yuengling despite not being able to get it in Washington, extensive travel for work, etc) and bonded over those but obviously those aren’t super significant things. After some time and some changes in his life circumstances, he asked me on a date and we totally clicked.

You know how as a kid you had an idea in your mind of the perfect partner: How you’d be treated, how you’d laugh, how you’d dream together and work to make those dreams come true? I’ve realized that over time my hopes had dwindled a bit and some of those ideals turned to “that’d be nice to find” or “yeah right – you’re asking WAY too much from someone with that”. Ryan is the guy that kid-Becky dreamed about.

He’s the kindest man I’ve ever met, he communicates his thoughts and emotions clearly, we share a similar sense of humor, he’s genuine, he treats me better than I could ever imagine, our dreams align, he’s supportive, he’s admirable, he’s not afraid to speak his mind but does so in a kind way – wanting to discuss things not debate them. When I came home from a 2 week vacation, he’d snuck into my condo and left notes all over saying “You amaze me”, “Thoughts of you put the biggest smile on my face", etc. And his hugs… oh, the hugs. As a tall and not-so-small gal, the feeling of his arms encompassing me comfort in a way you can’t even imagine. And, you know…other stuff. ;)

He’s incredible.

We’re adorable.

It’s all amazing. :)

[beckles]

OMG!

WATCH: Daniel Sloss Stand-Up 02/02/16

[beckles]

It's been awhile

Hi! I exist still. Some updates: **I’ve gained back 10 pounds. I’m okay with it because I know what I need to do and they will come off quickly. Just need to actually DO that. **Dating is weird. It’s amazing and confidence-boosting and a let down and confusing all in one. But I get to meet interesting guys and most of the time it’s still an enjoyable experience.  **My hair has been 5 different colors in the last month. It’s absurd how complicated it apparently is to get the color I want. **I got an apology last week from someone I never would have thought was capable of acknowledging what he did, let alone apologize. We had been seeing each other for about 3 months (for IRL friends: Steve with the butt) but that ended in February. He turned out to be incredibly unstable, unreliable and an asshole. He apologized, I told him I appreciated the apology but know he did it more for his piece of mind than doing the right thing by me. (Harsh but true!) That was about 2 weeks ago and he's been asking if we can be friends but...no. **The Mariners are kicking ass and it’s SO MUCH FUN!! Last night they were down 12-2 in the fifth and came back to win 16-13. I love them. (Even when they lose.)

That’s all I can think of right now so…there you have it.

[beckles]

And people wonder why pandas are endangered. 

[beckles]

This past Saturday I had the distinct pleasure of officiating @toridanielleloveslife ‘s wedding.  The wedding was held at an incredibly beautiful lake in Oregon and Tori and Tony looked absolutely stunning!  Tori, you are such a wonderful person and I am so honored to have been part of your wonderful day.  Cheers to life-long happiness and joy for you and your family. 

[beckles]

Even Beyoncé thinks I've got good hair

[beckles]

My state is prettier than yours.

The Shadow of Mount Rainier

[beckles]

When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.

[beckles]

Here goes nothing

A few months ago I became fascinated with Finland. I kept learning new facts about it and just loved the quirkiness. (They have an international mobile-throwing contest. They also celebrate National Failure Day.) When I got close to having lost 50 pounds I decided to book a trip. Today I leave to tour the Nordic Countries with two great friends (one for the first half and the other for the second). This morning I actually hit 60 pounds lost and I am proud of myself! This trip will be so much better feeling less self-conscious and more confident. Nordic, here I come!

[beckles]

Most days, when I look in the mirror, I don't see the changes in my body. I still see the same person from 55 pounds ago looking back at me. It sucks. A lot. Today, though? Today I did a double take. No muffin top over tight-waisted ski pants? And I actually feel pretty damn good about myself right now.

[beckles]

This song has been on repeat for the last week and still makes me teary.

[beckles]

[beckles]

A friend of mine started this blog. She is one of the most wise, articulate and honest people I know, and she has an incredible talent for calling me on my BS in a kind, compassionate way. (Sounds weird but it’s so true!)

She shared some of this with me the other night and I am SO glad she’s blogging about it, too. I know I’ll be referencing back for reminders but am also excited to see what new things I can learn from her. (She’s also hilarious, so you’re in luck!)

2016

We live in a world that wants us to be unsatisfied.  The economy is powered by our desire to silence our hurting and loneliness with things that distract and offer us comfort.  It’s a sad state of affairs to be sure.  I find that everywhere I look people are trying to tap into my discontent.  Maybe it’s especially overwhelming as we enter a new year and everyone is looking to make improvements.   Are you unsatisfied with how you look? Are you without someone to kiss at  midnight? Did you invest too much in your work this year? Everyone has an opinion and everyone wants to sell you a solution.

Just before I started writing this I scanned through Facebook and it’s at least 50% advertisements.  Victoria’s Secret, Nordstrom and even your friend with the direct sales “change your life biz” want my money.  All of this would be okay, I mean hell, I’ve got some extra money to buy shit I don’t need but the alarming part is that every one of these ad’s is in very specific ways telling me that I’m just not good enough.  I should look better, be more desirable, and present myself in more appealing and acceptable ways.  And, I don’t know man.  Perhaps I’m just being sensitive today, I am definitely having one of those weeks but I’m feeling really sick of people telling me that I’m not good enough.  The older I get the more I just don’t believe anything ever really works out like you think it will.  I’ve taken a turn being everything I’m supposed to and the only thing I’ve learned is that life is about finding balance and having a sense of humor.

 We should all pursue healthy ways of living and we should find ways to reward ourselves thoughtfully for the work that we do and I definitely want to find a partner who adds love and value to my life.  But all of those things are about efforts to pursue quality.  Dropping 15lbs won’t change my reality any more than marrying someone who isn’t my compliment and help mate will lead me to a happy marriage.  Sometimes in life you have to wait.  You have to work.  And you have to make a decision to put an end to the distractions. 

 That’s really where I am at this year.  I want to stop feeling bad for what I don’t have and spend time really reveling in where I am at, today.  I’m going to stop comparing myself.  Stop lying to myself and pretending that any external thing of any kind or form is going to do the work of making me satisfied.  This year, I’m going to pursue quality, relentlessly.  Quality people who will remind me that I’m loveable when I forget.  Quality ways to spend my time and resources - sometimes this will be a run by the water that restores my sanity and makes my muscles burn and sometimes it’s going to be an expensive bottle of wine thoughtfully chosen to compliment a meal I prepared myself.  I’m going on a social media fast because feeding myself that many lies is no way to live well.  I’m going to make decisions that help me live brilliantly and that aren’t influenced by the thoughts of people who are not in this fight with me and who have more to gain from my failure than my success.  I’m silencing the noise.  I’m giving up comparing myself to people I don’t know and wouldn’t like if I did.  I’m standing up for myself and for things and people of quality.  It won’t be easy.  But it can’t be any harder than constantly chasing what isn’t going to last and really only leaves us feeling more empty than when we started. 

[beckles]