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Ever After (1998)

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By Pelin Kilic

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Missed Connection V

F 30 depressed

Who still listens to songs

That make her cry on purpose

Just so she can feel the sting

Of being alive

And remember all her moments with you

Gelatin Heart

No tequila in her blood this time, just the ever present haze of THC

You

M 29 less confused now

You have succeeded in watching every single title

That Netflix has to offer

I suspect you’re still lying to your parents

About studying for exams

When we damn well know

You’re on your couch with a movie

And you still listen to the best music

Not just cheap country

You listen to the good kind

The kind that cuts deep

Like the heartache I feel now

And you feel

And hold me tenderly

Like you did when I couldn’t stop crying

After your best friend

Broke my heart

But this time, you don’t even know it

This time you broke my heart

And keep breaking it

Because after all these years I finally did it

I finally kissed you like I meant it

I finally held you close to me

I finally gave you my all

But now there are hundreds of miles between us

And a lifetime of memories we no longer share

And you hold me tightly

Letting me know it will be okay

Next time I am in town I will drive us again

To do the one thing I can do

When all else fails

Buy us some icees

I still remember

When time stopped

After that first night

And I gingerly brushed against your lips

And that moment is still perfect

Your lanky form against mine

Two lonely souls holding on

Even if it’s just for a night

It feels like forever

And I fell in love with you in that instant

And I fell in love with you again as we dug through records looking for the old man blues we both can’t stop listening to

And I fell in love with you again when your blue eyes looked off in the fast food line we were waiting far too long in

And I fell in love with you again when you stood a little too close to me at a show a little too loud for you because you knew the band was one of my favorites

And I fell in love with you again as you kissed me for the third time in a row in your kitchen before you went to work a shift that you were too tired for

Because I fell in love again the night before when we stayed up until 4 AM kissing some more

And fell in love with you again again when I found myself in your bed, in your arms

After all these years apart

But I will never tell you

I should have kept turning to you

All along

But now it’s four AM

And four weeks since I last left you behind in Baton Rouge

And I can’t sleep

Because I’m thinking about buying you an icee

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“Books aren’t just my defenses, the sandbags I use to fortify my position; they are also the building blocks of my soul, and I am the sum of all I read.”  -Jonathan Hull

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Missed Connection III

F 21 alone

Who chases prettier girls

Trying to keep up with their facades

To look well adjusted

And follow their path of living

Finding the right preppy man

To pay my bills forever

You

M 22 black

Because black is an emotion

When there is nothing left

But a hollow shell

Of a poets soul

And your heart that was too good for this world

You always were

You never lost your artist hands

Despite seeing from one eye

You saw more than most ever would

And I was busy

Building my superficial world

While you were busy

Ending yours

Hot summer days

You shuttled me to and from my office

When my car wouldn’t move

Despite the way I treated you

Like you were disposable

Because in my heart I always thought

You would be there

For me to apologize to

Because you were stronger

Than I ever was

Taking the lead in your own life

Turning away from what others wanted from you

Paving your own path

While I tried to walk a tightrope

Despite never truly knowing balance

Continuously falling down

Reaching out to you to lift me back up

Then running past you once I got back on the line

That one day we went

To visit New Orleans

We drank a daiquiri

Out of a stupid jester

And I wore my fake engagement ring

I used to fend off men at the bar

And you spun me around

In a studio space

Saying, “shug this might not be the one”

And you wore that shirt

I picked up for you at goodwill

Two years before

When you had six dollars

And the girls that I went to the bar with

Had black Amex cards

And you were eating ramen

And I was eating at Japanese restaurants every night

And I didn’t know

That your lips

Could sound out the word help

Because I was too wrapped up

In doing what looked right

For months at a time

As I often would

But I wouldn’t know

That you could speak that word

Until five days after my birthday

And I learned

That they found you

After three days

Sitting up in your chair

With black on your hands and in your lungs

And nobody told me

This was the way love ended

Because nobody knew

About the times we stayed up

Until three am

Drinking wine and talking

About the girl you chased after

That didn’t love you the way she should have

But we both know that night

When we played ambient noise

And swam in each other’s drunken consciousness

That the girl was me

And I never loved you

Like I knew I could

And I knew I did

Because you were always there for me

Until everything went black

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Trunk

So I just finished

Writing little hearts

With initials in them

On my notebook cover

For good

I retired my wrist

I covered my pen

But here you are

Making me infectiously

Beautifully

So much so others can’t help but notice

And tell you

And tell me

Stories of us together

Because we are those two people

That always used to make me sick

Kind of

Happy

Those people

That I thought about

When reading fairy tales when I was too young to read

The happy ending to every 500 page novel

I locked myself into my room reading

When I was old enough to read

You make something inside me move

That I wasn’t aware was there

Until I met you

You make me love everyone else

Because I want to share

The pure hearted happiness

You and I create when together

Not the kind of fleeting happy

Any touch could bring

Or the temporary high

Of a shot of tequila

But the kind that makes me glow

That makes me write stupid love poems

So I don’t explode and tell you everything

And ruin it all

Because I can’t have you

Not right now

Maybe never

But keep letting me steal you away

For little moments

Of pure laughter

Tiny seconds where we look at each other

And burst with joy

Let others be jealous

Because we are enough

We need nothing more

I will keep building

And growing so

When the day comes

That you see me

In the way I can’t help but see you

I’ll be waiting

Writing a stupid fucking heart

On the cover of a blank notebook

That is yours and only yours

And if that day never comes

I can die happy

Knowing that I got a few seconds

Of bliss

With you

When I made you laugh

And we couldn’t stop smiling at each other

For three minutes straight

Because I finally did it

I found the kind of love I need

And it’s yours

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“Fear not that your life will someday end. Fear only that you do nothing with it.”

— Unknown (via thoughtkick)

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Lonely Mountain instagram | flickr | facebook

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Whelmed

Today my life is good

That’s what I tell myself

When my brakes start grinding

And I can no longer

Block the sounds of metal

With metal

Today my life is good

That’s what I tell myself

When another videographer

Flakes out on a project

That drives me forward

And could make or break

What I’ve been building

Today my life is good

That’s what I tell myself

When yet another man

I choose to love

Chooses someone else

Because he didn’t

Do what I did

Building up towers

Walls of hope

Skyscraper dreams

That all collapse

And trap me beneath

The rubble of them broken

Because I paid cheap contractors

And ended up doing

All the construction myself

Today my life is good

That’s what I tell myself

As I cling to my employment

Like jack should have done to that boat

And if rose had really loved him

Don’t you think she could have

Worked out some sort of system

Where one of them paddled

While the other stayed on top

And rotated when the chill

Was too much to bear

Because to the common viewer

Rose didn’t seem to care

Today my life is good

That’s what I tell myself

As I work until I literally pass out

Because deadlines chase me in circles

Stealing all spare time I drop

Rushing towards an unfinished

Realization of my hopes

And all my daydreams

That see a finishing line

But don’t show

Every step in between

Because that’d be too simple

Now wouldn’t it

Who needs a roadmap anyways

Kids use apps now anyways

Today my life is good

That’s what I tell myself

And I should

Because unlike friends of the past

I can still fill my lungs with sweet air

And stress about life pushing me

To run a little faster

Than the pace I can

Knowing I have not collapsed

With a needle in my arm

Or empty bottles at my feet

I have a job, I chase my dreams, I once did love

Today my life is good