becomingmama - Tumblr blog

[becomingmama]

Thing is I think I would’ve really enjoyed this pregnancy.

no matter how I try to think that it’s the pregnancy, it really isn’t.

The nausea was hard. Back aches and all the changes in my body is hard.

But I would’ve enjoyed the journey. I know it. In another life if I didnt…

If I didn’t feel guilty of not being able to relax instead of worrying about increasing my income for the preparation & delivery for this baby.

If I didn’t feel guilty buying processed food and have regular access to food that’s whole and healthy to manage my gestational diabetes. Not worrying what to eat today without compromising if I can afford to eat tomorrow.

If I didn’t feel guilty not being able to attend the routine check ups and compromise on quality healthcare for my piece of mind. Or worrying that I’m compromising the baby’s health because I can’t complete all the supplements.

If I didn’t feel guilty not having the means to go on prenatal classes that would be beneficial for my labor prep, overall health and probably meet other moms that could’ve added support to the journey.

If I didn’t feel guilty having to remove the organic cotton options in the shopping list just because of a couple hundreds. And even though dressing your baby in polyester is not necessarily the devil’s work, those small little compromises, it still adds to your guilt.

If I didn’t feel guilty having to find clients instead of just learning about birth, infant care, and even schooling and parenting practices to help me feel more prepared.

& I know people will say to take it one step at a time, but it’s been really hard when the struggle starts at waking up & thinking about what to eat and not being able to solve that.

[becomingmama]

Maybe it’s not a bad pregnancy. Maybe it’s just a bad financial situation.

Because in another life it’s not the pregnancy I would change.

I would have enough to not be stressed about looking for ways to increase my income. I would instead take relaxing walks, I would spend my time painting and creating art instead of worrying about the next client I have to book to save for my delivery. I would go to prenatal pilates and yoga, and not worry I’m trading off money I could use for food. I would’ve met some new moms and maybe gain support.

I would have enough to manage my gestational diabetes. More whole and fresh foods than processed. Because if I had enough, I wouldn’t have to deal with the stress of buying food for today and worrying about how I could afford to eat good tomorrow.

I would have enough not to ignore the appointments. I would follow all the recommendations and get all the supplements. I would have not skipped anything and have piece of mind.

I would have time to feel grateful. Time to connect with the baby in my womb.

I would’ve had the time to read and study about infants, schooling and parenting.

I would’ve worried so much less. Gone to more doctor’s appointments for more peace of mind. I would’ve just bought all the organic clothes instead of wondering if polyester is good enough.

I would relax

I would breathe

I would be in good vibrations

I would’ve been so good at pregnancy maybe.

I would’ve been okay.

[becomingmama]

I’m sorry my love, for the tears are heavier these days. I know you’ve been feeling my pain, and I’m sorry I haven’t been talking to you. You’re growing so fast and meeting you is getting closer and yet there’s still so much I have to learn about you.

I am just at a dead end you see and I am trying my best to believe there is hope that I cannot see. Scratching all the cards I find to see which way to go from here. It’s all too big and confusing for me. I hope you never get to a situation like this, and if you do I hope it will feel less daunting, like you’ve felt this before and that gives you enough strength to carry on.

Been trying to focus on breathing. I’m so new to these tools to cope with my anxiety. I can feel your movements are getting stronger each day, and sometimes I fear something will happen to you because of my stress.

Please hold on to me, okay? mama’s gonna give everything she got.

[becomingmama]

Why Becoming mama?

Never imagined I would be a mama. I planned out my life thinking I was going to be a single globe trotter artist/designer. I imagined I would adopt at 40, while still doing my passion projects and whatnot. If you told me 2 years ago I would find myself in a long term relationship and expecting, I would've really flipped and told you you were out of your mind. During that time I was living alone, dating casually with a few attempts to get into a relationship but it never stuck. The only thing I would think about is how to advance my career, how to make more money and improve my lifestyle.

& don't get me wrong, while I love being in a relationship where I feel like I am loved, I'm still in deep financial shit, you can even say it got worse. That's probably 50% percent of my anxiety right now and the other half is just really how the fuck to get ready to become a mom. Like the title is so foreign to me, like I never dreamed of it, I never imagined it in my future. And that's not to say that I didn't choose to keep my pregnancy because I did. It's just that for all of my life it never occurred to me I would become one. And I know there's a lot to unpack there besides having a complicated relationship with my own mother. So here we are, on tumblr, trying to save myself so my unborn daughter doesn't get damaged. so welcome.

[becomingmama]

Becoming mama

Back on tumblr years later. Now pregnant. Hopefully it will support me the way writing here supported me when I was a teen.