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Prayer - March 6, 2023

Last night, nagcha-charge yung phone ni daddy and nagloloko yung charger niya. I was going to fix it and check his battery percentage when I saw a notif from Bernz. At that point, I felt like a part of me crumbled. 

Last night, I was in my room and I was praying. I was asking God bakit ganoon. And I told the Lord, I felt like the enemy is attacking my past self. I felt like Satan is targeting all my past hurts and those things that really broke me before. 

Today, I was led to 1 Kings 10 to 11. Here, makikita na si Solomon, marami na naging baby girls. Makikitang Solomon has been led astray by his love towards different women and this, of course, angered the Lord. The Lord wants to take the kingdom away from Solomon and his descendants but He won’t for the sake of David. 

I see here, (1) the faithfulness of a father or a parent affects the life of his children. A parent’s journey with God would affect the lives of his children. Right now, Father God, I don’t know really know what to feel. I don’t understand why my father still sticks with her after everything that has happened. I still don’t understand why she won’t leave us alone. And my dad’s journey is affecting me. With this, I am praying that You heal all the broken wounds I have in my heart. I recognize, Lord, that the issue with Bernz and her family has affected me. I was not directly part of the hit, but I was really affected. And there are broken parts of me that are broken because of it. I pray that You heal me from it. I pray that You mend these broken parts and that You show me how to deal with this. I pray for my father here on Earth. Ilayo Mo siya sa kahit anong uri ng temptation, and please, deal with him. 

(2) Your faithfulness God transcends our lives. David has long been dead when these issues with Solomon took place. In fact, looking at it, I feel like no one would judge or even bat an eyelash if you became too angry na binawi Mo lahat ng sinabi Mo. But no, You loved David too much to even take back what You said. Even in Your anger and in Your hurt, You still love us. I think this is a bit connected to (1) in a sense na You don’t want to set a precedent na You can back on Your word. Hindi lang siya “Eh nasabi Ko na eh.” No, it’s more than that. It’s more of “I made a promise and I love you too much to break it.” It’s an assurance na my heart is safe in Your hands. 

(3) God is Love. You experience all these emotions. In fact, thinking about it now, all emotions we experience comes from You. It’s kind of divine to think about actually. When I love someone, I can think, God experienced this kind of love too. When I’m sad and brokenhearted, I can find comfort in the fact na ahh my Jesus felt this. This is why He is close to the brokenhearted. He felt this first and He doesn’t want me to be alone. Going back to the point na God is love. God feels emotions: love, anger, hurt. But God is not anger. God is not pain. God is love. Above all, He chooses to love. Above all, He is love. 

Father God, when I am broken and hurting and in pain and in moments of my life when I want to do revenge, help me choose You. Help me choose to love. May the spirit of brokenness leave and remind me that You have restored me and that You make all things new. Remind me of Your Word. 

Thank You for this. I praise You. May You be honored in my life today. 

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If you trust that the Lord is good, you will not be proven wrong.

November 28, 2022 | BPI

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Prayer | 11 - 15 - 2022

I think, Lord, that I am not excited to see what You will be doing in my life or in my studies. Kasi right now, alam ko na po yung gusto kong mangyari. I want to pass. Then I will move on to the next sem, then the same things would happen. It’s incredibly routinary. 

Right now, I want to see God pass me in all my subjects so I can move on to the next. Only then would I have peace. But I’m starting to realize that this is wrong. Lord, I’m starting to see that I’m not excited to see whatever You are doing. 

I’m sorry for being so limited with how I see You work. Thank You for allowing me to see this. Thank You for opening my eyes and making my heart a fertile soil that is ready to hear this. 

Lord, I want to be excited for whatever You are doing. I want to want to see how this will all end. I want to be at peace now, in my wilderness. But I don’t know how. I need to see this world with how You see it. With love and hope. 

“I would not have told the people of Israel to seek me, if I could not be found.”

- Isaiah 45:19b

How do I seek You? Speak to my Father. I want to spend my day with You. I want to spend my day knowing that I am safe and all that I am doing is not in vain. Mold my heart. Hold my heart in Your hands. 

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Prayer | 11 - 10 - 2022

Father God, I recognize na every time may papadating na exams or quizzes or even if dadating yung bata dito sa bahay, I tend to become a little masungit. I do not look forward to the joy of learning and I do not look forward to the joy of fellowship with my family. 

Napapagod ako thinking about taking care of these children whom I love. I ask that you help me see Your goodness and what You want to teach me through this situation. I need Your guidance not to be selfish or irritable. I need Your guidance to be loving and welcoming. 

Lord, help me not to be focused on my career but help me see the joy of family. And help me not be burdened by my school. Help me trust You. Remind me that my heart is in Your hands and that my heart is safe there. 

May Your Word serve as an encouragement and as a rebuke for this attitude. Teach me love and patience for children. I know that I cannot do this alone, I need Your help. 

I pray this in Your Son’s name, Jesus. Amen.

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To Mari,

It's my 3rd day of being 20 and age really does come with wisdom bebi. I have realized that I have told a lot of people that "I'll always be here" for them. I realized now that some (if not most) of them, I don't to be here for anymore. Marami sa kanilang ayaw ko na makasama. Not really ayaw per se pero alam mo yung, wala na lang po talaga akong pake.

I want them to have a great life and i want them to be happy, don't get me wrong. But I just don't want to be a part of their journey anymore. I don't think it's "nagsawa" na ko sa kanila, but more of, all the things they could've taught me, they already did. And dahil natutunan ko na lahat ng pwede kong matutunan from them, all that's left is just toxicity. Maybe some people just aren't to stay in our lives. And that's okay.

Maybe it's enough that they just stay for a while and that we should let our stories end with good terms. Our own little "happily ever afters." Because after that, these people just turn vindictive and toxic.

So instead of "I'll always be here," I want to change it to "I'll be here for as long as I can." And as long as I can would mean me fighting for us. I would cross oceans and move mountains just to be there for you in any way that I can. But when I can't anymore, I hope they would understand na sadyang hindi ko na lang talaga kaya.

I'll be here for as long as I can. But I'm going to need your help kasi hindi ko na talaga kaya. I want to stay but I'm afraid that the longer I'm here, the more angry and bitter I become. Maybe we should just end it here where we're still good. Let's just end when it's still a happily ever after. And after this, I still hope you find happiness.

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I wanted to share me with you. I wanted share the good news, the bad news, the random thoughts, the deep fears, the most painful aches with you. But you’re not here. 

From the beginning I have told you that this is what I was afraid of. You told me not to worry but here you are, doing everything I feared you would do. I was scared of this and you promised to be with me if I had to face it. But I am here alone. Scared because of you.  I don’t know what to do next. I don’t know where to go because you left me here. You left me hanging and I don’t know if I should let go.  I want to be here when you decide to return. But I am rotting. I am disintegrating and I don’t even know if you ever plan on coming back.  I have been waiting for you for so long and the worst part is, I don’t even think you know that you can come home to me. 

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Ask for help my ass

Funny how people keep on telling me to ask for help but when I have finally decided to ask them for help, they are nowhere to be found HAHA

Turns out I was right all along

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D.O. - 220104 2022 Season’s Greetings official calendar

Credit: Melodious.

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Why don't people ask me how I am? I'm not okay!!!!

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I'm not proud of the person I have become.

I don't like the person I see in the mirror.

I have achieve a lot but I am proud of nothing.

My heart has been broken for so long and it just keeps breaking

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March 30, 2021

I let go of all my anger for you and forgive you. I do not want you to feel the same kind of pain you made us feel kasi Christ already carried that burden. And it would be an insult to Him to make you feel all that. I let go of all my anger for you kasi I realize na that anger is coming out of love. I’m sorry for all that I said and for the curses that I laid on you. You have your battles and I have mine. I choose to look to God for Victory over mine. I pray that you do too. 

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March 4, 2021

Today, I choose to forgive you. You are my dad and I love you.

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Feb 27, 2021

I want to die

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February 23, 2021

You and my mom went to a funeral. Then you called me to tell me na bakit hindi ko siya pinagalitan na naka T-Shirt lang siya na lukot lukot and naka-tsinelas. Bakit hindi ko raw siya pinagalitan. So you were joking lang daw and naghahanap ka ng kakampi. 

I’m sorry but let me tell you this, I won’t take your side. Not soon. Yes, even if you’re right, I won’t take your side because I’m mad at you and I don’t trust you at all. You act all sweet and faithful but I don’t believe you. 

You deleted a conversation you had with that bitch in front of me and acted like nothing happened. I saw something. I’m not stupid nor am I dumb. I don’t believe you. And even if you want to be a better man, I will make it difficult for you because you made it difficult for me to be happy. 

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January 25, 2021

Pumasok lola ko sa kwarto saying na my lolo ordered the wrong thing sa Greenwhich and umabot sa worth ng 2k. I have a fewpoints:

1. I remember how much I love my grandfather grabe. When he left for abroad I remember crying sp much. And honestly I just want him to be happy

2. I grew up seeing my grandparents not in love and I'm scared kasi I really want to find it. I want to feel loved seeing my parents I want to look at someone and know na the love they have for each other is not superficial.

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I hate you for you all the pain you caused us. I sincerely hope she is worth it. I don’t want to forgive you. I really don’t. Lahat ng tao dapat may tahanang inuuwian. Pero you took it all from me. Just leave us already. Please. Leave us for her. Then I can openly hate you. I sincerely hope na you feel all the pain you are causing us.