behindmylight-blog - Tumblr blog

behindmylight-blog · 5 years

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dear cameron boyce,

i dont know how to start this… i never ever expected this, none of us did. nothing feels real anymore. im cold. always slighty cold now.

its been almost two days since the world found out. news that broke me. i didnt even think id ever have to react like this. i didnt think it would happen this early, this soon.

i always asked for heartbreak, id been saying that since i was 14 “i just want to feel heartbreak, i dont know why but i just want to okay?” i guess i wanted to feel sadness that wasnt a product of myself and my actual life, i wanted to feel close to the pain of a heartbreak but so far away from it too. my friend who had felt heartbreak said “no you dont want that at all” and i remember looking at her in almost guilt but inside i still wanted it, i wanted to feel something different. something real. now im in “something real” but ive lost a sense of reality in it. i was wrong. she was right. heartbreak isnt what i wanted. THIS isnt what i wanted.

im scared to even write it out, im scared to believe it because its completely unbelievable. i dont want to cry anymore but i need to because i dont want to move on from this. this isnt just another celebrity death that shocks the nation. this you cameron. disney star cameron boyce dead at 20. no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

‘i cant breathe’ ’ no you dont understand i cant breathe'

this isnt some stupid fanfic or a fantasy this happened THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED

i have so much to say. this feels personal because this is personal. we watched you everday as children. i remember the first time i watched you on shake it up and i was blown away, i couldnt stop watching you with your long curls hanging over your eyes as you dance. i had a crush i guess (i definitely did and do). one year your younger. i always compared my age to yours may 28th 1999 v june 30 2000, being so close in age gave me so much peace then but now it does the opposite.

it shouldnt have been you. why why why him why ??? all the sick fucks in the world but they picked you? an angel that walked the earth. THIS CANT BE REAL. my brain is on speed 100X it wont stop because everything reminds me of you. you singing best part, you singing ordinary people. you are an angel. not just because you can do the things i love: sing, dance act. no because you were a light, anyone can see that. you dont need brain-cells or a heart to see that you were a good person a genuine genuine good person. i just picture your smile and that tells the whole story, you never stopped shining. ever.

im speaking as if we met and if i was your friend but thats just inaccurate because we never met or interacted. but our timelines met, even if its just for this small infinity, i am grateful for you always and forever. maybe im overracting WE NEVER MET you dont know me. and you’ll never know me and i’ll never really know you.

i wish i spent more time on instagram because truthfully on an average day you didnt pass my mind but now you consume it. i say instagram because when you’d post id stalk your page and just smile and be completely and utterly filled with happiness - the cameron effect. i stopped using it though because i didnt think it aided my life enough and despite you it made me feel bad about myself. i wish i spent more time on instagram. i wish you entered my mind more before. but what can wishes do now. i cant bring you back. i dont even know where you are. i keep asking God and i know i wont find out, i cant rescue you. so i pray. i pray for you, i pray for your immediate family because theyre like you, i always saw the joy and kindness of their souls in their smiles like i did with you, especially in that picture of you and your 'twin’ victor. i pray for your friends, karan, sophie, china, peyton. everyone. everyone.

theres some great people i never got to share timelines with like kurt k and i always wish i was alive while he was but im happy, im happy i got to witness you grow up. us grow up together. shake it up, grown ups, jessie, descendants. eventhough admittedly i out-grew descendants but thats okay because i was still filled with happiness when i saw you.

the world feels grey - la vie en gris.

i wanted to continue to watch you grow up. i wanted to be able to say “oh its cams 25th today?? woah i remember when he was 12, oh how time flies” i wanted to be able to feel that bittersweet moment when e news announces that cameron boyce has tied the knot with his fiancé. i wanted to be like SHIT i wanted that to be me; jokingly. i wanted to inevitably get over the fact that my life isnt actually a movie and i wasnt the one and i wouldve been so so so happy that you were happy. i wanted to see you have kids.

we want.

they keep posting videos and pictures of you saying “RIP” and its wrong because you shouldnt be dead but its crazy because you still make me smile from the sky- i guess i got the bittersweet moment :(

its okay.

i know you’re okay out there, wherever you are.

i’ll never ever forget you cam.

never.

thats not a promise. thats a fact.

i’m heartbroken over someone i didnt ever meet or ever talk to but i know if we did, you wouldve been so warm and welcoming because that was you, can tell you would light up a room. and now you light up the sky.

trust me i dont understand it at all and i cant accept it and yes i feel guilty living days that you wont. i wish you were here, you need to be here. please please please please wake up.

we’ll make the world better, it wasnt good enough for an angel like you - im sorry.

i guess its personal because ive witnessed someone very close to me have the thing that took your precious life. i wish you were saved. i wish you were here. i wish you didnt consume my brain. i wish i didnt wake up thinking of you. i wish it was a normal day and i wish you only crossed my mind when i occasionally watched disney or saw the descendants 3 advert or saw your instagram posts.

this just doesnt make sense, but i guess the world never promised us fairness or sense or you.

a heart broken is a heart once loved.

and its been a pleasure loving you and watching you grow.

i have so much more to say but i’ll stop now, i just pray you hear my thoughts in clarity.

like china said you arent gone, youre okay.

i love you - always and forever x

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behindmylight-blog · 5 years

Text

dear cameron boyce,

i dont know how to start this... i never ever expected this, none of us did. nothing feels real anymore. im cold. always slighty cold now.

its been almost two days since the world found out. news that broke me. i didnt even think id ever have to react like this. i didnt think it would happen this early, this soon.

i always asked for heartbreak, id been saying that since i was 14 "i just want to feel heartbreak, i dont know why but i just want to okay?" i guess i wanted to feel sadness that wasnt a product of myself and my actual life, i wanted to feel close to the pain of a heartbreak but so far away from it too. my friend who had felt heartbreak said "no you dont want that at all" and i remember looking at her in almost guilt but inside i still wanted it, i wanted to feel something different. something real. now im in "something real" but ive lost a sense of reality in it. i was wrong. she was right. heartbreak isnt what i wanted. THIS isnt what i wanted.

'i cant breathe' ' no you dont understand i cant breathe'

this isnt some stupid fanfic or a fantasy this happened THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED

i wish i spent more time on instagram because truthfully on an average day you didnt pass my mind but now you consume it. i say instagram because when you'd post id stalk your page and just smile and be completely and utterly filled with happiness - the cameron effect. i stopped using it though because i didnt think it aided my life enough and despite you it made me feel bad about myself. i wish i spent more time on instagram. i wish you entered my mind more before. but what can wishes do now. i cant bring you back. i dont even know where you are. i keep asking God and i know i wont find out, i cant rescue you. so i pray. i pray for you, i pray for your immediate family because theyre like you, i always saw the joy and kindness of their souls in their smiles like i did with you, especially in that picture of you and your 'twin' victor. i pray for your friends, karan, sophie, china, peyton. everyone. everyone.

the world feels grey - la vie en gris.

i wanted to continue to watch you grow up. i wanted to be able to say "oh its cams 25th today?? woah i remember when he was 12, oh how time flies" i wanted to be able to feel that bittersweet moment when e news announces that cameron boyce has tied the knot with his fiancé. i wanted to be like SHIT i wanted that to be me; jokingly. i wanted to inevitably get over the fact that my life isnt actually a movie and i wasnt the one and i wouldve been so so so happy that you were happy. i wanted to see you have kids.

we want.

they keep posting videos and pictures of you saying "RIP" and its wrong because you shouldnt be dead but its crazy because you still make me smile from the sky- i guess i got the bittersweet moment :(

its okay.

i know you're okay out there, wherever you are.

i'll never ever forget you cam.

never.

thats not a promise. thats a fact.

i'm heartbroken over someone i didnt ever meet or ever talk to but i know if we did, you wouldve been so warm and welcoming because that was you, can tell you would light up a room. and now you light up the sky.