being-chrissy

[being-chrissy]

I've been having crippling depression and anxiety for the past several weeks. I'm being assessed for IOP right now and I'm trying to get enough hobbies that male me happy and can keep me busy. Broccoli seedlings and soon to be carrots

[being-chrissy]

Recovering on my own

(x)

[being-chrissy]

Why does my life still revolve around food? Why do the thoughts of exchanges just keep cycling in my head? All I can think of is the exchanges I've eaten, which I'll eat next, what do I have left for supper, and how could I have eaten them 'better'... It just hurts so much. I fight these thoughts and it just hurts. Some days I think I've made it so far in recovery and think that it's stupid of me to be in treatment. But right now, writing these thoughts, I realize how much these thoughts still control me.

[being-chrissy]

[being-chrissy]

Now I know what happens when I take 100mg of Vistaril...

[being-chrissy]

It was a struggle just to pull myself out of bed this morning. There was no reason for me to go anywhere.

I don’t want to be in grad school. No one likes my choices. I can’t seem to please anyone. I’m forgetting the only thing I ever really enjoyed. I can’t feel God.

Took my meds today, and I took my extra meds too. I can’t seem to get over it.

[being-chrissy]

The sad thing is it’s not just about eating. It is forgiveness for yourself, from others. Spending time with you, not your disorder. Kissing every inch of your tattered body. Mending relationships. Realizing you are more than a body. It is not just about eating. Such a hell cannot be alleviated by food alone.

Michelle K., Recovery Isn’t Simply Eating. (via michellekpoems)

[being-chrissy]

[being-chrissy]

[being-chrissy]

Sometimes recovery is planning your relapse for 4 hours and then getting up and having breakfast anyways.

Sometimes things are hard and recovery not fun but it’s still worth it. Keep fighting, you’re doing the right thing. (via a-hopeful-future)

[being-chrissy]

[being-chrissy]

I normally take a hiatus over Christmas break and I did, but I’m a little late coming back.

I haven’t felt too big of an urge to be back on tumblr. I guess I’m getting sick of the opinions and the cliques and etc on here. I’m going to try to stay active on here. My recovery is a process and it certainly is occurring albeit at a slow pace and with ups and downs.

[being-chrissy]

I’m getting into this bad habit of not bringing lunch and then waiting until I go home to eat. When I say habit, I mean more of a conscious choice. A very disordered conscious choice.

It is not a step forward in recovery.

[being-chrissy]

[being-chrissy]

What would your 7 year old self say if she saw you politely refusing your favorite flavor of ice cream.(Mint chocolate chip goes best with warm summer nights) What would she think if she knew you drank coffee black. (You use to tell your mom it tasted like gasoline) Skipped breakfast. (Your dad made pancakes every Sunday morning) Ran until your lungs couldn’t take in oxygen fast enough. (No one is chasing you anymore) Counting every calorie. (You never liked math) What would she say if she saw you hating yourself .

(via themilkywhiteway)

[being-chrissy]

[being-chrissy]

Reminder to self: I don’t want to be sick. I don’t want to be sick. I don’t need/want/desire to be jealous of those who are “allowed” to stay sick. That is not the life I want. I want wellness. I want health. I want life. I don’t want to be sick.