beingevan84-blog

[beingevan84-blog]

Me:

Dysphoria:

Me:

Dysphoria: YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRLLLLL.

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Random thought of the day...

Really wish I had a dick right about now.

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So happened today when I was out with my wife and daughter..... “Ok thanks for coming in LADIES, I hope you GIRLS had a good lunch!” *eyeroll*

that trans masc feel when you just wanna look someone dead in the eyes and scream “I AM NOT A WOMAN”

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Happy 7mo on T to me. I look at these photos and in my mind I still look like the person on the left. It’s weird to not “see” the changes everyone else does. I’m so used to looking in the mirror and hating what reflects back at me. It’s been difficult to focus on the positive, as I immediately go to what hasn’t changed “enough”. I am having a hard time being patient.

Major changes so far: Hair hair everywhere....except my face lol. I do have some stragglers in the form of mustache and side burn hair but nothing you can really see from a far. I get this weird dark patch under my chin that I have to constantly shave, but nowhere else. Very much looking forward to this filling in at some point. I still don’t pass most of the time which sucks. A lot. But again, patience. Muscle mass has definitely increased. I was never able to do push ups before and now I can do 10+ like they’re nothing. I’ve been working a lot on my upper body and chest in prep for my top surgery in May. Those are probably the most recent changes I’ve noticed.

The biggest and arguably best change has been my mental health. I feel like the past 7 mo I have discovered how to live. Before I accepted myself and my transition I spent YEARS depressed. Things just kept getting worse. Over the past 15 years I went from generally depressed to more and more severely depressed. A year ago I was going to work, coming home and getting in bed. Nothing else. I was just existing. Things were technically great in my life... good job, wife, kid, everything was fine, except I was miserable. It’s been an amazing experience to just feel like life is worth living.

T minus 64 days until top surgery. I can’t wait.

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I love shot days

I read a lot about guys who hate shot days for various reason but I love them. I’m glad I do them weekly because I really do look forward to them. Do they sometime hurt, yes. But now that I’m seeing changes more (7mo in) I’m always like, “Let’s do this!!!!” Anyone else? I’m sure when I’m several years in I may view it as a hassle, but being that this stuff is allowing me to be who I know I’m supposed to be, I all about it. So happy shot day to me!

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That trans feel when

You feel super passing, but you still hear the wrong pronouns referring to you and it ruins your confidence.

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Yesterday was a good day....

I just started transitioning and I’m almost 7mo in T. I have a wife of 12 years who is INCREDIBLY supportive. So for those of you struggling right now, know that it is possible to find someone who supports and loves you for who you are. They are out there. You will find them and anyone else is not worth your time. You don’t have to change who you are or feel like shit about yourself. Though I know that is easier said than done. I also have a 10 year old daughter who has been equally amazing during this whole process. I don’t pass 100% of the time yet, but it is slowly getting better.

It’s hard sometimes to share celebrations and disappointments with people who don’t truly understand what you’re going through so I offer this up to the Tumbler community.... since I don’t pass 100% of the time bathrooms have been an issue for me. I don’t feel like I pass well enough to use the men’s room, but I definitely don’t belong in the women’s room. Last night we were out to dinner and I usually wait until I get home, but 3 glasses of water later and a longer than anticipated dinner, that wasn’t possible. So I walked to the back of the restaurant where the bathrooms were and as I walked I had no idea which door I was going to go in. When I reached the bathroom I took a deep breath and went into the men’s room. There wasn’t anyone in there so I went into a stall. I do use a STP, but I’ve never used it in public before. I decided, fuck it, I’m going for it. (The idea of sitting to pee in the men’s room just really triggers my dysphoria. I know not everyone feels that way, but that’s just me) I gotta tell you, standing in the men’s room, even just in the stall, was so euphoric. I never thought something so small would be such a huge amazing experience. Another guy walked in and was using the urinal as I left the stall and washed my hands. I internally panicked for a second, but it was no big deal. I just washed up and left. Basically it was not a huge deal and was really awesome. So there you go. That’s my story. I never thought a year ago I would be here. So keep up the hope. It will happen for you too one day. Don’t give up. Stay strong.

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Anyone else.....

Can’t wait until their chest is gone?

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shoutout to trans guys

mid-transition trans guys don’t get nearly enough recognition on this site. it feels like all trans guy positivity is either geared towards pre-everything Soft Boys™ or towards ‘fully transitioned’ cis-passing men, so here’s a shoutout to all my in-betweeners.

here’s to the guys who are out but aren’t respected.

to the guys who are on T but still don’t pass.

to the guys who work out but don’t see any results.

to the guys who have binders but still don’t feel flat.

to the guys who have the right legal name but the wrong legal sex.

to the guys who still aren’t sure which bathroom to use.

to the guys who are impatient about their patchy facial hair.

to the guys who are insecure about how their top surgery scars are healing.

to the guys who feel stuck in the gray zone between ‘boy’ and ‘man’.

to all the trans guys waiting, it’s okay. you are worthy of respect.

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Usually a haircut really helps with my dysphoria but....

I long for the day when I can go and get my haircut and the stylist doesn’t end the appointment with “OMG! So cute! I’m so jealous! I wish I could wear my hair short like that!”

This is after I’ve been checked in under the name Evan.... WTF

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You can’t expect yourself to go from a negative mentality to a positive one overnight, but every time you correct a bad thought you are growing! So focus on your growth, not the fact that you aren’t “there” yet.

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Sometimes I’ll have people tell me “oh, I’ll never transition. I can’t do it. It’s too much and I’ll never make it.”

So, question, to my fellow trans people who have transitioned, how many of you told yourself this? Because I know I sure did.

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Never give up

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Just finished ordering a custom blue suit and custom tux along with custom fit dress shirts!!!!!!!!!

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Exactly.

When you call me she on purpose, it’s not about the pronoun. You’re saying “she” but you’re telling me you’re not someone I can trust. You’re calling me by a simple pronoun but you’re telling me that you don’t respect who I am. You say one thing but I hear that you think you know me better than I know me and will continue to act in the way you think is best rather than what is best for me.

It was never about the pronoun. It’s about what it means.

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Dear Voice,

CAN YOU ACTUALLY JUST STOP IT. I WANT TO BE HAPPY  AND TALK TO PEOPLE AND PASS FOR ONCE. PLEASE. I AIN’T ASKING FOR A LOT MATE.