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[belovedxstar]

Its about 5:45am right now. I went downstairs because I was sure I probably wasn’t going to sleep anyways and would just toss and turn around in bed with my thoughts so I thought might as well write them down. Plus I wanted to remember…

Around 5am I was woke up and started crying pretty hard. I had a dream about mom.. Multiple dreams really. I haven’t dreamed of her for a while and altho it was really painful, I hope it’s not a while again until I have the next dream of her.

It started off as multiple small moments with her. No relation. No transition. Just one small dream after the other. I remember one was grocery shopping with her and dad. I can’t remember what specifically we were buying (taco ingredients maybe?) but were were in front of the vegetables. We had said something to dad. Explaining something to him I think. I went to grab a plastic and she asked what I was gonna get. I smiled and told her I was getting shredded carrots. I smiled at the idea of putting the shredded carrots in the bag normally for the full uncut vegetables..

Another was a moment I think in the house. She was explaining how we should switch tulog dresses or something.. I laughed and was like “Ok mom, I’ll give you that tulog dress.” I think it was the soft black tulog dress, one of the very last ones she ever got me..

Another was shopping at a store like Marshalls with her and Dad. I guess we were looking for a specific shampoo for dad. An associate was helping us and then brought us to a corner of the store. The person showed us that it was on the shelf near the top and explained that there weren’t that many left because it was discontinued.

The last part, I was going down the stairs at home- Dad’s home. She was sitting on the couch just watching tv as always. The orange couch was on the side of the living room divider facing the tv and windows. It looked exactly like the living room which doesn’t normally happen in my dreams when I dream of home. I sat down next to her and hugged her. Can’t remember if she was the one who asked for a hug. But she started crying and said she had to “go back home.” It suddenly clicked to me what that meant and I started crying. I asked her when and she said she didn’t know. I begged her not to go, that I wasn’t ready. “I’m scared…” I don’t remember if that was me who said it or her.. “Please wag mo ko iwan..” I remember begging her. She started coughing and it made me freak out more. It wasn’t for very long that we continued like that and the dream suddenly ended. I suddenly woke up and found myself in bed at my house. Dan was sleeping next to me and I bursted out loud into tears…

That ending was too heartbreaking for me.. It was like having to say goodbye to her all over again. And that fact that it felt so normal, so real was even more heartbreaking… It was really hard to think it’s been over 2 years and I was still able to cry that hysterically. Dan tried comforting me, hugged me while patting my head but I could tell after a while as I continued crying he was falling asleep again. That’s why I eventually decided to just go downstairs..

I miss her.. The dreams were painful, but I didn’t regret them. I hoped it wasn’t the last time I had them because of how I was reacting. I couldn’t help but think what if it was Mommy visiting me… I didn’t want her to think she shouldn’t visit me again.. If it was her visiting, then thank you Mommy for visiting me and checking up on me.. Thank you for spending some time with me out of no where.. Despite how painful it was, I enjoyed those small moments with you..

[belovedxstar]

It's been exactly a year since you've passed but it doesn't feel that long at all. There are so many moments with u I can remember perfectly like it was yesterday, but when I realize just how long it's been, suddenly they seem like memories from another lifetime so painfully far away. I've gotten better but its still been so hard. I still have breakdowns. I still have nightmares. I've been torn between remembering & forgetting because it still brings me so much pain. This past year I've also gone though such a big identity crisis. You controlled & took care of so much. I honestly did not know how to function without you. Outside of the house & at work I was always known as "Lisa's daughter" so much it used to annoy me especially at work. Ironically now I want nothing more than people to look at me and proudly say "Ah yeah she's Lisa's daughter." I know many people think a year is plenty of time to heal and to be ok again. But today on the first anniversary of your death I wanted to take the time to really reflect and openly admit that I've only started to heal and know I have a long way to go. I love you, Mommy. That's the number one thing that will never change, and even with you gone I want nothing more to make you proud... https://www.instagram.com/p/BuBGyOvAzpN/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=qn6kcg1bt5ls

[belovedxstar]

Hanggang sa muli Pinas ❤ #homeawayfromhome https://www.instagram.com/p/BtSCitglBIS/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=nfnnqesi191

[belovedxstar]

This is my life one back day in the Philippines 😊❤🇵🇭 https://www.instagram.com/p/Bs2m18KF6Vy/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=w1k1n5bl2zwa

[belovedxstar]

Happy New Year's everyone! ❤ From the Laurente-Nicolabo Household 😁💑 https://www.instagram.com/p/BsH2nqvlq0L/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=gg8s8pomrb8p

[belovedxstar]

Definitely reflects the 2 biggest things that defined my #2018. It's been a very rough year but I think I'm ready for 2019. Thank you, next. https://www.instagram.com/p/BsFZidoFJWJ/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=dicb2xuabhlx

[belovedxstar]

What better way to celebrate our first Christmas as a married couple than with dinosaur outfits (completely unintentional lol!)🎄Merry Christmas everyone & happy holidays! 💖😊 https://www.instagram.com/p/Br1wTh7F7g_/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=65h4hogo7nxa

[belovedxstar]

Happy birthday to the most loving man I know ❤ It's hard to know where to even begin. Everyday I'm reminded of how lucky I am to have you. It was your birthday week yet u spent most of it taking care of me because I was sick. That's just how you always are and you never complain. No matter what, you always shower me with love to the point where its impossible for me to see my insecurities. But I also love the troll side of you who keeps me down to Earth and in check lol. Thank you for being such an amazing husband, my best friend in the whole world, and literally my other half. You always tell me not to do this and every year I never listen 😂 "Its a tradition!" Happy birthday my labs and many, many more. ❤ Your wife, who will wake u up at midnight on ur bday for the rest of ur life 😁😙 https://www.instagram.com/p/BrHmvWpncEE/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=y2mszbk2hyn9

[belovedxstar]

Late post but last month I tried to write one thing I am grateful for each day. This is my first officially complete spread and I'm pretty happy with how it turned out! Lol I have a bad habit of starting spreads and never completing it but then again I'm like that with everything. Anyways definitely happy with how my bullet journal journey is progressing! 😁❤ #almost2yrs . . . . . #bulletjournal #bulletjournalcommunity #showmeyourbulletjournal #bujo #bujolove #bujolife #bulletjournalspread #onewordaday #micronpen #leuchtturm1917 https://www.instagram.com/p/Bq6lu3glj7j/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1fg2k818oyha8

[belovedxstar]

Happy birthday Mommy ❤ I know we didn't expect last year to be your last but you knew, and I'm so sorry for that. I'm sorry for everything. I still miss you like crazy every single day but its been slowly getting easier to continue smiling with this broken heart. I love you Mom. Thank u for still watching over me. https://www.instagram.com/p/Bqjjt5WFoE1/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=13j5v4dku1rw7

[belovedxstar]

Friendsgiving 2018 🦃🍁😊 Our first official one! ❤ Good times eatting good food with good people. https://www.instagram.com/p/BqZF3pXlxU2/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=v40h8u40wyf3

[belovedxstar]

Someone is happy about finally getting groomed! ❤😙🐶 Ready for the holidays! 🦃🍁 https://www.instagram.com/p/BqBYNASlrYh/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1ue73q4xsjwj4

[belovedxstar]

Halloween 2018 🎃 You can never be too old to dress up 😁👍 https://www.instagram.com/p/BpqPhW-l2wg/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1poaxaiaqdc92

[belovedxstar]

You are hands down the greatest decision I've ever made ❤ #DMwithlove 😙 #5monthsalready?! #itsonlybeen5months?! https://www.instagram.com/p/BpYqWMeFmWr/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1sgjkcivyyp7b

[belovedxstar]

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A post shared by Melissa Anne ⭐ (@belovedxstar)

We've definitely improved from the last time 🤣 🎃 #pumpkincarving #bestcoworkersever https://www.instagram.com/p/Bo3NT-rlAlo/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=e5mbuh7o130f

[belovedxstar]

It was September of last year when we first found out you had preleukemia and everything changed. I miss you Mom. Sobra 💔 https://www.instagram.com/p/BoYG4FXlBhn/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1gucy5q6oz87f

[belovedxstar]

No words can really describe the past 7 years and it's crazy to think that this is only the beginning 😙💕 #anniversaryweek #DMwithlove https://www.instagram.com/p/BndHgSdFecq/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1vxq3pc0j6gn1