benayoung - Tumblr blog

[benayoung]

nayoung is riding a high. not only did her team win immunity last episode, eclipsing the other don't call me team, but her team undoubtedly gave the best performance of the night - or at least in the judges' eyes. she didn't contribute that much to her group's concept, and she knew from the moment her group was announced that it wasn't fair to the others in the competition - but she's proud, nonetheless.

not that nayoung really needs a confidence boost. it's nice regardless. speaking of confidence, seira sits by her while they're eating lunch, and asks her about just that. nayoung chews the kimbap she just took a bite of, and considers the question.

"i have a lot of experience," she admits, after swallowing. "i've been performing in some way since i was eight years old. i think confidence comes with practice," though nayoung can't remember ever lacking any, "but in this instance you do need to develop it quickly. if you don't feel confident, you can think of it like...playing the role of someone confident. like acting. you'll have to act a lot for this performance anyway, so it's a good skill to develop. it's also helpful to just...pretend to be confident to yourself, too. whenever you think something that lacks confidence, counter it with something confident, even if you don't believe it yet. if you're thinking, 'what if i can't do it?' then you need to think, 'no, this is going to be my best performance yet.' it'll help."

confidence boost

she was last, she was very last on the ranking. she’d improved in skills, she’d shown a great performance, yet her rank had dropped by ten. she was nervous to be honest, she wanted to prove she deserves to be on the show, but her confidence had been hit. she wasn’t independent enough, and perhaps they were right, during her idol days she’d depended a lot on her members, she wasn’t used to being independent. she took their advice though, she came in early and left late, she wanted to improve as much as she could, prove she deserved to be here.

it’s lunch time, and her body can use the break after all the dancing she’s been doing lately. she sits in front of nayoung, shoving a rice ball into her mouth before talking. “you can just say if you don’t wanna talk about practice and stuff while we eat but” she swallows “how do you seem so confident when you perform? i can do the dance, i can deliver the rap, but it always looks like i lack confidence…

sending it to... @benayoung

[benayoung]

line dist [ with @bexstevie @lucielxbe @hangyeolbe ] outfit ref (third)

normally, nayoung would jump at any opportunity to perform. performing as a coach, with her team, though, is a new experience, and she isn't sure how she feels about it

their directions are to guide their teams, but not be the leaders. nayoung hasn't quite forgotten last season, when studio delta's ceo called her a poor leader for putting herself in the center of her group's choreography too often.

this time, she's very careful to let her team take the reigns. she mostly just observes them, and answers any questions they have, but much to her pride, they come up with a great concept on their own. better than anything nayoung could hope to come up with, honestly.

she does assign lines to everyone, and also acquires the instrumental a.maze themselves used for one of their performances that her team wants to recreate. the rest of the song is the same, aside from one impactful piano break in the bridge. in the original performance, one of the a.maze members played the piano, but in her team's version, they'll insert a dance break.

the idea of their concept is nayoung as the "puppetmaster," the controlling, manipulative one in this relationship that the others just can't seem to break way from. they're choosing to represent that idea in a literal sense, through some changes in the choreography to get their concept across – to make the boys seem like they're tied to nayoung by strings, and like she's controlling them to some degree.

on performance day, she's incredibly confident. she was always confident, really, from the moment her team's lineup was announced. as stacked of a team as you could have, in nayoung's opinion.

it's only standing backstage that nayoung realizes how long it's been since she's performed on a stage of this scale. extra excitement bubbles in her stomach. even though her main role is to make sure her team shines, she also has an important part to play, and she intends to do it well.

she makes sure her team is prepared, and when it's their turn to take to the stage, she thinks she's done everything she can.

now they all just have to deliver where it matters.

the stage and lighting does a lot of the work for their performance, helping to further drive home the concept of nayoung as puppetmaster, the boys tied to her with strings.

she gave out the parts with their storyline in mind. she herself has the lines that make the most sense for the most manipulative one of the story to sing – and only a few, at that. maybe it'll be a surprise to the judges that nayoung chose to take such a backseat. she kind of hopes so.

as the bridge approaches, nayoung's excitement builds, because that's when the concept really shines and come to fruition.

during the chorus before the bridge, nayoung moves from the back of the formation to hop up a raised platform, so when the chorus dies down into the bridge, she, the puppetmaster, is standing above the rest of her team. she sings:

did you still not give up in your foolish dreams?

luciel and hangyeol sing after her, and then stevie delivers what may be the most important line of the entire performance: sorry the number you have called has been disconnected.

with that, the unexpected piano interlude kicks in, as does the contemporary-inspired dance break and the boys' escape from nayoung's clutches. nayoung, atop of her platform, acts out trying to keep them connected to her strings, but she loses control, and the boys find their freedom. as they do, she falls to her knees atop the platform, and the spotlight previously lighting her up on the platform goes out, leaving her in darkness.

from that point on, her work is done. she gets to watch the last 30 seconds from her perch, as her team continues the performance, now a celebration of their liberation from the toxic relationship.

as it wraps up, nayoung prepares herself to be lit up to the world again, and makes sure to find the camera and show off her prettiest angle if they decide to zoom in on her face.

[benayoung]

thankfully, luciel isn't struggling with anything personal nayoung has to fake her way through helping with. it's about the performance. the mood of the song. honestly, nayoung gets that. she's not one to really relate to the songs she performs, either. call her heartless – which she's heard many times before – but she just rarely finds herself emotionally invested in much of anything. she's certainly never experienced the romance or heartbreak most kpop songs go on about.

"when in doubt, fake it," nayoung suggests. "especially since we're representing sr media, acting will be important. even if you're never experienced a toxic relationship, you can think about how it would feel, and try to reflect that in how you perform. i think if you tap into some kind of desperation, and frustration, you'll embody the concept and it'll come across well. if you don't at least fake it, our concept won't be believable."

she realizes that probably sounds like a lot of pressure. it is, really. there are only four of them – with only three of them being contestants. no one can afford to disappear into the background in this performance.

luciel quickly bows his head at nayoung’s entrance and gives off a shy, awkward laugh. he wasn’t surprised, but he also wasn’t expecting someone to come in at this late hour. “it’s been alright so far but…” he trails off, trying to figure out how to phrase his words that’ll make some sense. “i’m struggling to feel the mood of the song even though on paper, i understand the concept. yet something still feels… amiss. something is missing and i can’t wrap my head around it.”

though he’s never got the chance to properly have a conversation with nayoung outside of group practice, so he thinks it’s a good opportunity to connect with her, especially if they’re going to be performing together later on. “when this happens… what i should do?” luciel asks earnestly. he doesn’t wants to let his group down after all. he’s obviously the least experienced in the group when it comes to idol performances, so he’s trying his best to make up for that.

he sings the same line again that was paused abruptly earlier. it’s pretty good, he knows that — but it feels like all he’s doing is imitating the original.

[benayoung]

official filming and practice hours are done for the night, and for all intents and purposes, nayoung should head back to the sr media building to work on her own training. since she's performing with her group, though, she's trying a little harder to connect with them – which is hard for her. nayoung has never been the best at genuinely connecting with people.

still, they're done with group practice, everyone split up to work individully, and nayoung is making the rounds to see if there's anything anyone needs help with that they didn't want to ask her about in front of the others.

when she comes to luciel's practice room, she arrives just in time to hear him hit one of the higher notes in the song. she smiles, close-lipped and approving, but luciel stops singing then. he looks a little troubled, she realizes.

"hey," she greets him, closing the distance from the practice room door to his side. "is everything okay?" nayoung isn't the best at comforting people, either, so hopefully it's nothing like that. if it is, she'll pretend to be nurturing for the sake of the cameras. it's not like she doesn't have experience doing that much.

no next time.

there’s a lot of things on luciel’s mind. he’s been practicing his rapping for a while now ever since the judges commented on it, which wasn’t something he didn’t expect. cultivating a skill from the ground up was going to be tough, but since he’s here… he’ll try his best. he wasn’t disappointed by the fall he had, in fact it might be for the better and serve as some form of motivation for himself. maybe this is where he can be called odd and strange for finding some fun in crucial times.

nevertheless, even when he wasn’t having group practice, luciel spends the rest of the time focused on the skills he was lacking in without a break. every second counts. he knows how to schedule himself, so he makes sure that he has time to refine his vocals and dancing. the song this time was hip hop, but their group decided to add a contemporary flair to it — which was perfect for him. it’s a song that came from the artist he mentioned liking in his interview too.

“i improved, but it’s still not enough…” he mumbles to himself while watching a recording of his practice. “it’s nothing special, and not captivating enough...” empty like the dark seas, yet the waves are still and unmoving. he understands the symbolism of the song, yet he can’t seem to… emotionally connect to it. it’s a similar issue he had with the previous song.

luciel gets caught up in his thoughts, enough for him to almost not realise someone ( @benayoung ) had entered the room.

“i’ll never pick up, i deleted it, i’m going to save my love—” his voice rises to hit a high note cleanly before stopping abruptly. not because he was distracted by a second person coming in, but for the fact that he couldn’t imagine himself saving his own ‘love’. it was silly, really. woes of a classical musician, perhaps.

[benayoung]

nayoung thinks her team is stacked, if she does say so herself. stevie and hangyeol are, in her opinion, the best dancers in the competition. jihyun, who prefers to be called luciel, she's discovered, didn't capture her attention much previously, but he has his own talents.

on paper, they should win easily. nayoung knows in practice, it isn't that easy. the other don't call me team could put together something spectacular and improve astronomically in a short period of time. she saw it happen last season, so she's not about to let her guard down or let her team slack.

she thinks they've come up with a good concept, though: really playing into the idea of a relationship with someone you should never talk to again – something toxic, something you feel like you can't escape from. nayoung's role is to play puppetmaster, or the toxic relationship, that the others eventually escape from.

she watches from her spot, sat against the far practice room wall, as stevie runs through the dance break in question, and she thinks he's doing well for his lack of contemporary experience. nayoung doesn't think dancing technique will be the biggest concern for the judges in this case, though, especially because they're representing sr media, where performance and concept is key.

"it's also me," nayoung points out with a hint of a smile. "but i think developing the right mood in this case is more important than eye contact. for something like 'do better,' it makes sense, but with a performance like this, you want to...create a moment, and bring the audience into it with you."

he mentions something cheeky, and nayoung shakes her head. "one of the contestants got in trouble for that last episode," she remind him. eunwol, if she remembers right? "just stick with what matches the mood. you'll want to look confident by the end, though, and maybe even a little tired – like you just broke free of a bad relationship after fighting for a long time. you can try staring at ceo yoon instead. i think he'd appreciate that more," she chuckles.

can't give up so easily.

< w. @benayoung >

as the days tick by, getting closer and closer to final performance day– the dance break slowly comes together. they’ve gotten it to the point where everything feels like a seamless transition, and now it’s down to fine-tuning everything. for stevie, he knows what the judges critiqued him the most on. confidence– connecting with who you’re performing for. his fears were acknowledged right then and there, and now he’s gotta…get over this hurdle. 

at least now it’s become a matter of pride. showing that he’s not scared of the judges– not anymore, not since receiving so many compliments compared to last time. maybe stevie really did just need to get with it. now he just needs to not think as much.

because if he’s going to tackle something he’s not the most versed in, he at least needs to fake it like he does. and dancing is easy enough for him, but the dance break requires a lot more. mixes of sensuality and more sharper movements without a notion of hesitation. without a shake or a stumble. 

sorry, the number you have called has been disconnected. stevie falls into a drop at that moment, dropping from nayoung’s “puppet strings” in the choreography to blend into the subsequent dance break. lifting back up easily, he performs the first couple of moves, counting in his head while going through the motions. his eyes watch his features, the piano playing above them. with the mood low, stevie keeps his expression somber, thoughtful, when the melody rises, it switches to something thoughtful, then painful. stevie keeps in mind the message of the song and what the tune shapes out this moment to be. 

afterwards, he takes a moment to breathe, facial features relaxing as he goes through everything in his head. after a moment, he gives a little laugh.

“eye contact doesn’t seem that hard when it’s just me.” he notes out loud. it also feels easier with this sort of change up– he’ll be moving so often that eye contact isn’t really needed until key parts. “it feels really vulnerable though, with this kinda instrumental…” as it’s supposed to be, stevie has figured out since they’ve been constructing the choreo. “y’know, i was gonna do something cheeky, like wink at ceo yoon to show i’m not actually scared– but i think it might break immersion.” he gives a little sigh, as if the thought really upsets him. “dang. maybe next time.” stevie pauses. “in your life~” he sings on, nodding back to the song with a little laugh.

[benayoung]

nayoung nods in agreement too. the moves are pretty simple. "we can probably incorporate them however we want, right? the moves they gave us don't have to be consecutive." they also don't have to, though. she imagines their instructor won't look down on them if they execute the choreography exactly as it was given to them and just build other moves around it. "that would be more challenging, though." haein seems like the type to not stray from a challenge either, though.

she realizes she's getting too far ahead of herself. "i'll go start our music," she says, and she does just that, setting the music to play ten seconds before their choreographed section. she settles into a spot next to haein, and stares straight into the mirror, focused.

she thinks she remembers the moves already. she can't be certain she executes them as cleanly as she should, though. she's learned, pretty much since signing to sr media, that there's nothing wrong with something not being perfect the first time.

still, she notices a variance between her and haein's movement near the end of the string of moves, and once their portion of choreography is over, she goes to turn the music off.

"it's this," nayoung demonstrates the step she believes haein got wrong, singing the words to the corresponding part of their track as she does so she knows the particular move she's talking about. "you got it wrong." she doesn't sound accusatory, for once, but she certainly is confident she's right. is she actually? maybe. or maybe not.

haein can't recall the exact moment when she began choreographing her own dances. it might have been back when she was a trainee at her old company, and she found that some of the routines that their trainers had the girls copying have gotten boring. or maybe it was when she started taking dance lessons from people outside of the company, and she realized that there was so much more that could be incorporated into a choreography.

nevertheless, it has now become a norm for her to try to self-choreograph most of her routines. haein wouldn't say she's some sort of master nor would she ever insist that others follow her choreos, but she finds the whole experience to be a lot of fun, and she could see herself improving with every routine she ends up finishing.

however, she doesn't have much experience working with other people, which is why she finds this a bit more challenging than she expected. she nods at nayoung's suggestion before humming the snippet of the song the trainers have given them, replaying the given choreo in her head before moving through it in her mind.

"the moves they gave us were pretty simple, so i think once we get that in sync, we can move on to filling in those gaps," she suggested toward the other with a simple nod and smile. while haein was a pretty serious trainee herself, she thinks there's constantly a blaze of fire surrounding nayoung. she assumes it's a mix of passion, ambition and pressure, but she doesn't speak on it because who's she to be making judgements about someone else, right? if that's how nayoung motivated herself to keep up with the tough trainee experience, then all hats off to her.

[benayoung]

nayoung is tired. she wonders if she's just getting old. when she was a trainee the first time, she would train every single day, always more than required of her. now, sr media is requiring she train a little extra at night and on sundays to make up for time she loses mentoring on next gen, and it's all...tiring.

she doesn't mind it. she certainly won't complain. this is exactly what she signed up for, and exactly what she wanted. she doesn't regret it for a second. but she can't deny that it's tiring.

so when cam contacts her, not long after she's finally gotten home, she doesn't have the energy to do much of anything – let alone what cam is contacting her for. or what she thinks he's contacting her for, anyway.

✉ –> cam – yeah but i'm tired so – u can still come over if you want though i guess

as much as she hates to admit it, she does actually kind of enjoy cam's company these days, outside of her bed, too. she just hopes he's not too energetic. she takes comfort in the fact that even if he is, he doesn't seem to mind her being completely exasperated by him.

she's laying face down on her sofa when she hears a series of weird knocks that could only belong to cam, far earlier than anticipated. she unceremoniously rolls off the couch and heads toward the door.

she opens it and doesn't say anything, just motions for him to head inside and closes the door behind him. she notices the bag he has then. "what's that?" she asks in her typical unenthused deadpan tone she doesn't bother to hide around the people closest to her.

she would normally have a witty comment to go with the question, but her brain lags behind too far and doesn't supply anything.

simping 101 | @benayoung

->buldak scary lady >> you up?

cam pulled the cap down further over his face, smushing his hair tighter against his forehead in an attempt to stay inconspicuous. usually he wouldn't be so nervous to stay unrecognized, not that he had much to worry about in the first place, but it was a different risk waiting outside of nayoung's apartment.

the plastic bag he was carrying crinkled in his hand as he shifted to look at his phone again when the buzz notified a new kkt reply. the obnoxiously cute theme was a backdrop to nayoung's reply and permission, relieving him a little of the worry plaguing him that she wasn't home or didn't want company. he'd already gone out to the store and while he could've just took it all home for his own use later on, he wanted to do something nice for the other.

crossing paths with her in the last little while was rare. cam was worried for the friends he had currently working on the new reality program experiencing burn out, all of them were hard workers anyways so the added responsibility of filming a show was a lot. they both had already experience next gen, but he wasn't sure how different being in a mentor role was. if he could help out a little with that, it would make him feel better.

getting up to her apartment wasn't a big deal, just trying not to make eye contact with any passerbys. usually, when he wanted to really push her buttons, he would knock out whatever new song on the charts was most popular but nayoung had said she was tired so he compromised by knocking a short melody and waiting, pressing his lips together for a kissy face in case she looked out the peephole.

[benayoung]

at least siwoo listens to her, though to be fair, nayoung hasn't encountered anyone on this show who hasn't listened to her so far. it's a good thing, because anyone who didn't would rue the day.

she nods along as he sings, and she takes out the mechanical pencil she had clipped to her back pocket, punctuating each note of the scale he sings by raising the pencil a step higher, in case the visualization helps him. while she does, she pays attention to his diaphragm and how he breathes while he sings.

he still sounds quite bad, but it isn't as awful as he sounded previously. "ah, wow, nayoung does know what she's talking about, huh?" she says with a knowing smile, mostly lightheartedly. "that was better," she agrees. "your range isn't very good, but that's to be expected for someone with so little experience singing. you'll get better. there are certain exercises you can do to expand your range, but that takes more time than we have right now."

he asks if he should try the scale again, and she frowns in thought. "yes, but first, you need to work on how you breathe when you sing. this is extra important for singing and dancing at the same time. so, put your hands on your stomach." she demonstrates, putting her hands on her own stomach.

"when you inhale through your mouth, let the air fill up your stomach. it's actually your diaphragm that you're filling with air, but you need to let your stomach expand when you breathe in. when you exhale, your stomach should contract. it'll feel weird, but," she demonstrates by inhaling through her mouth and letting her stomach expand, then exhaling and letting it contract. "if you get the hang of breathing this way, and then apply it when you sing, you'll have a lot more success."

fuck. yeah, nayoung is right. and siwoo actually hates that nayoung is right. but he isn’t about to waste time pretending to be a damsel in distress. he’ll have to at the very least try to figure this out and while typically, he’s sure that he and nayoung were two personalities that would butt heads, the situation just doesn’t quite call for it. that and the cameras.

he takes a look at nayoung, realising that they aren’t quite different. neither of them have debuted, but one clearly has more experience on stage than the other. then again, siwoo hasn’t been circling this dream for long – if anything it’s something he’s started out of spite. but fuck can spite really make a person try hard. he’s torn between two options: a) do terribly and embarrass both his father and himself. or b) do decently and embarrass his father, without looking like too much of a food himself. he’s decided to go with the latter. this might not be his dream, but he’d much rather not look like an idiot while chasing it.

pretending like he won’t fuck up isn’t so hard for siwoo though. so he takes her advice to heart. “aright,” he says. he’s never really watched the last season, but nayoung seems to know what she’s talking about, so he’ll listen to her. running scales? the only time he’s done anything close to that was with the piano. which… well, he thinks will help.

and so he stands up straight, white ralph lauren tee clinging onto his shirt from sweat. who knew you could sweat from singing? siwoo will have to give props to singers, they have it hard. nayoung gives him an example and he attempts to follow. she’s right, it does help with his diaphragm or whatever it is. but he sounds clearly, less like he’d been raised in a hyena farm. 

“oh, that helped,” he says after a moment. “maybe i’ll sound human,” he adds after a moment. he isn’t joking, his voice fully serious. “shall i try again?”

[benayoung]

"i'm concerned about everyone. the competition is difficult." (mentioned: @bexstevie @bejaeyoung @beseira )

new year, new survival show, it would seem. this would technically be her fourth, if she can count it, since she's not a contestant this time.

still, sitting down for an interview, in front of a camera again, feels a little like returning home.

she can't help but think of all of the different people she's been in rooms like this one, from the fake happy-go-lucky girl in her first season to the hardened "ice queen" she is today. she actually smiles a little, then looks to the interviewer expectantly.

"what are your first impressions of the talent this season?"

that's a good question, honestly. "they're probably better than us," she admits with a bark of laughter. "that's how these shows always work, right?" from her experience, somehow, new talent always surges upwards and surpasses its predecessors. it frightens her a little, but she doesn't feel threatened by any of the girls this season – at least not yet. maybe she'll see who her ceo selects for sr media and change her mind.

"none of the ceos said they wanted to sign anyone on day one last season, so i think that already says enough," she points out, but she doesn't take it personally.

"what do you think of initial rankings?"

"my job is to coach, not to judge," she says diplomatically. "thankfully." she smiles, close-lipped. will that stop her from judging people? absolutely not. will it stop her from saying anything judgmental in this moment? yes.

"based on what you've seen, who do you think has center potential?"

nayoung pauses in thought for a moment. "i think stevie could be a good center for the boys. his voice and rapping both still need work, but i think his previous experience on next gen shows in his skill level overall. i'm just afraid he was more..." she pauses again, trying to think of how to explain it, "endearing, last season? he's nervous this season, which is good, because it means he cares now. but it's also bad, because i think it's getting to his head. if he can find a way to shake off his nerves and be himself while still taking the competition seriously, he'll be in contention for a high rank the entire season, in my opinion."

of course, nayoung has paid attention, and has a lot of opinions. "song jaeyoung is incredibly well-rounded. if the judges are searching for a center who's good at singing, rapping, and dancing about equally, he would be a good pick. i find that he's missing a certain spark, though. he isn't very memorable to me when he performs, and i personally feel that's important for a center to have."

"as for the female center, i think my top pick is han yura. she's not the most captivating performer of the season, but she's pretty and has no significant weaknesses that i've seen. she's a good rapper, which is important for the center of this season, but she's a solid singer as well, and she's kept up fine with the choreography."

"are there any contestants you're concerned about?"

"i'm concerned about everyone. the competition is difficult," she laughs, and it's both sincere and not. she isn't that concerned – ultimately what happens to the contestants of this show matters little to her. she knows it can be hard on people, though, and she knows they're all inexperienced.

"it's volatile, too. one week you can be in first and the next you can be at the bottom of the rankings," she speaks from experience. "who is having trouble this week might shine next week. it really just depends."

"if we're only talking about this week?"

"if we're only talking about this week, seira comes to mind. she's a skilled rapper, but she's not confident in her dancing, and her vocals........" nayoung has nothing nice to say there. "i don't think she'll be center. i hope she isn't eliminated, though, because while she isn't center material in my opinion, i think she has other things left to show."

"any final words?"

nayoung bows in her seat. "thank you! i'm grateful i got to coach everyone this week and i hope i'm able to continue." she honestly has no idea what the future holds.

[benayoung]

she listens to sarang's explanation, and it's a weak one, both in reasoning and delivery, as far as nayoung is concerned. she gets it, and it's not like she thinks he's entirely wrong. positive feedback is just as important as constructive criticism so people don't get discouraged, allegedly. nayoung knows that's not her strong suit. sarang being able to balance her out in that regard is a nice concept, but they're here to be coaches, not cheerleaders.

"there's nothing wrong with being encouraging, but you can be encouraging and helpful. like..." she thinks of an example, then shifts into her best sarang impression, flashing a bright smile, oozing artificial warmth. "'that was great! try to smile just a little while you're dancing and you'll be even better!'" the act drops just as quickly as it came, replaced by nayoung's natural vaguely deadpan coldness. she has plenty of experience flashing fake smiles and pretending to be who she thought she needed to be – like sarang, really. his success on next gen last season proved her old theory of the ideal idol personality right. maybe it's just something you can't altogether fake. it seems like nayoung has had better luck while being herself, and it leaves her with more energy to improve herself in other areas, so it's fine with her.

"you can do both. you won next gen, sarang. i know these kids would kill to get actual tips from you."

sarang would rather be anywhere but here, and in an attempt to not make that so obvious, he's been pouring metric tons of his energy into plastering a smile on his face, and offering everyone around him the balmy warmth of the sun itself via his presence. it's something he mastered as a kid, and this coping mechanism of his is coming in clutch during the filming of next gen season two. honestly, the fact that he's here again, but this time in a mentorship role, astonishes him. it's truly something that he never envisioned happening.

he remembers how he felt last time he was on this set, though. there was always the smallest twinge of anxiousness in his stomach, but overall, he had a great time. he chose to focus on making it a fun experience for himself, so he fought away the feelings of stress and exhaustion, and gave himself to each new day; excited for what it would bestow upon him and his friends. it wasn't easy back then, but he looks back on it fondly. that said, he knows he can relate to how this season's contestants must be feeling, and all he wants to do is remind them to have fun, and to remember that this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience that's meant to be enjoyed.

however, it's been hard for him to get his message across because, for some strange reason, his head and his heart are currently at war. sarang's never been the sensitive type, but lately, he's felt incredibly blue. these emotions are ones he can't necessarily intellectualize, and that frustrates him beyond belief as logic is typically what he relies on, but at the same time, these emotions not easy ones to feel, either, and on top of that, he doesn't even have the time to feel them.

instead, he's dolled up and placed in front of a camera, meant to set aside his own nurturing his own mental state in order to nurture the states of others.

it's caused him to feel quite heavy, and being that he's already rather distracted during shooting, he's not been able to muster up more than a "you're doing an incredible job!" or "you have so much potential; i just know you're going to turn it out!" to everyone he's overseen. he's noticed glares from his company-mate, whose mind seems to be in the right place for all of this, but he doesn't really know what to tell her, so whenever she approaches him during their down-time to finally voice her obvious frustration, he can't come up with an answer right away.

normally possessing sharp wit, sarang hesitates here, and after a few seconds, he turns toward her, offering a half-smile. "i'm hoping that by sharing some kind words, it'll lift their confidence and lead to better performances..." he utters unconfidently, hoping it suffices. "the instructors are already extremely hard on them, you know? the last thing they need is for me to make them feel worse." that, and well, he genuinely doesn't think he's qualified to give them advice, but he's not going to admit that. at least not right now.

"frankly, you're already so good at cutting straight to the point and telling them how to improve. i feel like, to balance you, i should be encouraging. don't you think?"

[benayoung]

nayoung nods, unsurprised by seira's confirmation of what she already knew. "you don't dance like you debuted previously," she says, not beating around the bush for a second. it comes out harsher than intended, even for nayoung. she pauses for a moment, then adds, "not that you're that poor of a dancer. it could use some work, yes, but i think you're mainly lacking in confidence."

nayoung understands, though, really – falling so far from the top, having all that experience under your belt, yet achieving a mediocre result in next gen's rankings. it didn't kill nayoung's confidence last season, but she can understand why some might not fare as well. not everyone is as strong-willed as she is.

"just think, you already debuted once before with the skills you have currently. that doesn't mean our ceo judges will debut you right now, but it does mean someone thought you were good enough. i need you to perform with that in mind, even if you don't believe it yourself. even if you aren't good enough yet, if you perform like you think you are, people will start to believe you."

that's served nayoung well throughout her entire life. granted, she never suffered much with a lack of confidence. she realizes it's easy for her to say and more difficult for most people to execute.

"do you remember the choreography for the drop? try it now if you do. if not, i'll help you."

benayoung

* ❁┆sugar rush

nayoung will give her the benefit of the doubt. maybe she, like the nayoung of last year, had also mostly given up, and decided to audition on a whim. she might be out of practice. either way, if she wants to succeed, she better catch up fast. it's nayoung's job to help there, so she asks seira to stay and talk to her once their main dance practice is over. when they dismiss, giving way to some free practice time for the contestants, nayoung finds seira easily. what nayoung's thinking is how did you debut once before when you're such a poor dancer? but that won't do anyone any good, regardless of nayoung's curiosity. "you debuted previously, right?" she asks her, just to confirm her suspicions, and so if the producers decide to air their conversation and practice time, it'll provide some natural background.

it feels a bit weird to have debuted previously, yet not rank higher than the middle. she’d been an idol for four years, yet people who haven’t even been a trainee is ranking higher than her. it feels almost embarrassing, and it’s hurting her pride. she’s scared, scared of her next rank. she auditioned with rap, the only thing she’s good at, and now she has to showcase her singing and dance, two things she isn’t very good at, will her rank drop once they see her dance and singing? she wants to stay positive, though it’s a bit difficult, but she wants to prove she deserves to be here, to the judges, viewers and herself.

nayoung asks her to stay behind, seira doesn’t mind, though she’s curious why nayoung asked her to stay behind. nayoung has been on the show before, and she made it to the finale and got signed to a company, she’s returned as a coach, and seira would love her advice, nayoung knows what she’s doing. she gives a nod “i’ve debuted previously” she’s surprised the other knows.

[benayoung]

* ❁┆sugar rush

nayoung doesn't by any means think she would be a better teacher than the actual instructors working with the contestants on next gen, but she does think it would be fun if she got to teach at least one lesson herself. they haven't afforded her that opportunity, though; at least not yet. she's still enjoying her role regardless.

it's interesting, being on the other side of next gen now, knowing what the contestants are going through, as she was in their position last year. some of them are familiar: old faces returning, like stevie, or people she happened to meet outside of training.

one of those people is seira, though she wouldn't say they're friends – acquaintances at best. she knows of seira more than she knows her: a former idol, group apparently falling to dust for her to end up here. nayoung, despite her general lack of empathy, does feel for her. she knows what it's like to work so hard and get so close to achieving your dream, only for it to crumble.

she doesn't know what it's like to be such a poor dancer despite debuting previously. watching seira fumble through some of the choreography almost makes her a little bitter. she made it to the finale of one survival show, so close to debut, only to fail, then injured herself on another. never, in that entire process, did her company find her worthy to debut. seira, though...?

nayoung will give her the benefit of the doubt. maybe she, like the nayoung of last year, had also mostly given up, and decided to audition on a whim. she might be out of practice. either way, if she wants to succeed, she better catch up fast.

it's nayoung's job to help there, so she asks seira to stay and talk to her once their main dance practice is over. when they dismiss, giving way to some free practice time for the contestants, nayoung finds seira easily.

what nayoung's thinking is how did you debut once before when you're such a poor dancer? but that won't do anyone any good, regardless of nayoung's curiosity.

"you debuted previously, right?" she asks her, just to confirm her suspicions, and so if the producers decide to air their conversation and practice time, it'll provide some natural background.

❁┆@beseira

[benayoung]

* ❁┆inferno

nayoung is serious about this. granted, nayoung is serious about most things, especially involving competition. next gen just so happens to be about the biggest competition she can possibly be involved in, and she demands excellence from everyone. she might be a little too hard on some of the contestants, but she doesn't think so; they're improving, and that's all that matters.

she also demands excellence from her fellow coaches, or at least her fellow coach from sr media: sarang. she isn't getting it.

she's pretty disappointed in him, though she doesn't know why she's surprised. as far as nayoung is concerned, sarang has coasted by in just about everything she knows of him being involved in; next gen, training, and his relationship with alex now – or lackthereof, in the past. he gets lucky and gets his way over and over again by putting in the bare minimum effort. why? because he's cute? charismatic? fuck, so is nayoung; they even have dating alex in common. nayoung, however, is significantly less useless, but also significantly less...adored. privileged. whatever. she doesn't have nearly as much as sarang does despite working her ass off. it's annoying at best – infuriating at worst.

she sees it already here, too: beloved sarang, flashing his smiles, offering no feedback of significance. batting his eyelashes and looking pretty for the cameras, likely to receive glowing feedback from everyone watching, judges included. she's been watching him; she's noticed he hasn't offered anyone a proper critique. only encouragement. she gets it – he probably wants to look good, and that's what being nice will get him. nayoung just thinks he's shallow. superficial.

nayoung isn't afraid to be the bad guy. she isn't afraid to call out next gen's darling sarang where no one else will. so when she catches him during a break, she approaches him, perfectly aware of the cameras trained on them in every practice room.

"hey," she greets him briefly, and then doesn't beat around the bush for a second: "why haven't you given anyone a legitimate critique all week? you know these contestants aren't as great as you're telling them they are." she realizes that sounds harsh. she'll probably get evil edited no matter what she adds, but she tries to salvage it anyway: "they need our help to be great. they don't need you to lie to them to make them feel better about themselves." okay, maybe she didn't make it much better.

❁┆@sarangbe

[benayoung]

call nayoung full of herself if you want – it certainly wouldn't be the first time – but she thinks she was made for stuff like this. well, maybe that's not quite accurate; she's built for competition, but there's some relief not being the one with her life on the line on this season of next gen. she still gets to participate, and grace television screens once again, but lacking the personal investment. all she has to do is help these kids perform to the best of their ability, and she thinks she's quite good at that, too. she's never had any problem telling people what to do, or thinking her way is the best.

she thinks she's done a good job of helping so far. are her methods the sweetest? certainly not, but effective? absolutely. nayoung, as competitive as she is, does feel a little bit of a need to prove herself; a little desire to be the best coach of them all. she knows it doesn't really matter, at least not yet, but it matters to her.

that hasn't really served as the main motivation for her coaching, though. truthfully, she wants to help the contestants. she wants them to get better, and put on good performances. maybe it's uncharacteristic of to focus on something other than what benefits her in any given situation, but she likes seeing improvement; any kind of improvement.

that's the biggest reason why she's made it a habit to check in on the contestants during their free practice time outside of their lessons with the real coaches. she just pops into practice rooms, asks them how they're doing, monitors them for a little while, offers advice, then moves on, again and again until their day is over.

she usually isn't really sure who she's going to get in each practice room. it turns out this one is occupied by mr. first place himself: hangyeol. she's happy to see him; she hasn't gotten a chance to chat with him one-on-one yet.

he thanks her, and says he's a fan, and she offers him a quick nod and close-lipped smile. "thank you. me too." her smile turns a bit more mischievous then. "the judges are fans of you too, apparently. how does it feel to have them say they want to sign you on day one? i'm pretty sure they didn't say that about anyone last season."

you'd think she would be bitter about it, but somehow she isn't.

+ watch me move

NEXT GEN S2 E2: feat. @benayoung

my shadow disappearing (the picture disappears) chase that tiny ray of light over there (chase that light over there) cross this line and now follow me, a little more special just show yourself

this is what we were expecting from this season...i think we’re all quite smitten...i feel like he’d make him eat his words...i suspect he would do it better...was much more expressive...he's good at talking to people...i’m sure we all want a chance to make him an offer...putting them at ease...a talented dancer...he has leadership qualities...experienced performer...want to see more...

i wish i could sign him today.

hangyeol exhales audibly, cheeks puffing out to encourage his lungs to work at full capacity, air escaping through raspberried lips as he slowly rolls out his neck, his shoulders, his ankles. he hasn't even had a chance to watch the full episode, but he's seen clip after clip of his own features, sent to him in direct messages by friends and coworkers, posted on social media platforms with his accounts tagged. he's seen his follower count grow across the board, full of names he doesn't know, his mentions a plethora of well-meaning and malicious strangers alike, telling him how he is either deserving of the praise or doomed to fail, based on his few minutes of screen time alone.

even for hangyeol, who has always strived to embrace positivity and joy in even the most mundane of daily experiences, this version of first place is somewhat overwhelming. sure, he'd had dreams in the past of idoldom, like any young dancer who lived under the umbrella influence of pop culture. but he'd underestimated the power of public exposure; it didn't matter how casual he had felt about his audition, there was nothing casual about where he was now. this was no regular dance competition, where he was being judged solely on his dance skills - this was a chance for the world to pick apart every atom of his existence and decide whether or not he was worthy of their adoration. and their money.

i wish i could sign him today. me too, he thinks, watching his form in the mirror as he slowly and carefully stretches out his recovering wrist per his physical therapist's instruction, cloth brace still nearby, just in case. maybe then, he wouldn't feel like he was carrying the weight of twenty, or twenty-thousand, hopefuls' dreams on just two shoulders.

"ah," he turns on a dime when he spots in the mirror nayoung entering the practice room, bowing respectfully and smiling warmly, "nayoung-ssi! thank you for your time. i'm a big fan."

[benayoung]

nayoung has really enjoyed being a coach so far. she thinks she did a good job guiding her teams last season – aside from the time she got called a bad leader for giving herself too many center parts. maybe it's better now that she's not in charge of any of that, and all she has to do is give advice that ultimately does not impact her directly. she still needs to make sure she gives good advice, though, because she doesn't want to make herself look stupid on camera.

speaking of looking stupid on camera: siwoo. i sound like i was raised on a hyena farm. the way he says it makes it sound like it isn't a joke, so nayoung doesn't laugh; granted, it's not too easy to make nayoung laugh ever. certainly not now, when there's business to be done.

one of the real coaches asked her to help siwoo, because he does indeed sound like he was put through a grinder. nayoung doesn't really like his attitude, though.

"you're going to have trouble," she acknowledges. "but quit talking about yourself like that. you have to at least pretend you'll be able to do it if you want to succeed, on this show or anywhere."

honestly, nayoung isn't a fantastic vocalist herself. she's not really a belter, anyway. she's consistent, and better than she was when she was on next gen, certainly, but nothing that special. she knows she's not really here to be a vocal instructor beyond the basics. she's a performer more than anything else, and she thinks that's where she'll best be able to offer guidance.

"let's try and run through a scale," she suggests anyway. she wants to see what his range is like, and how long he can hold a note. she assumes it's going to be awful, but she has to do her part. "and fix your posture. stand up straight, and keep your head straight as you sing. it'll support your diaphragm and make this easier."

she slowly runs through a scale herself first as an example, then looks to siwoo expectantly.

do better starter for @benayoung

when it comes to performing, siwoo is well aware of the fact that he isn’t particularly good at anything. which he’d always been fine with, really. aside from the piano, he’d never been one to delve into this sort of thing – and found no reason to. it wasn’t as though his parents would allow him to, and he never did have much of an interest in it. the idol life, the fame, the glitz… all of that didn’t seem to quite appeal to him.

yet, here he was participating in a survival show for a chance to be a trainee of all things. it had started from pure spite ( hatred for his father, the need to embarrass him seemed to overwhelm siwoo’s very own personal interest ), but if anything he refused to embarrass himself. 

being ranked thirteen honestly isn’t so… terrible. it sucks, but it isn’t terrible. and by nature, siwoo’s always been a rather competitive guy, even when it came to things he was never particularly fond of. this, being one of them. he has to do more than look good, and according to the judges, prove that he’s more than just money. which well, is kind of hard when money is the only constant thing you grow up having. money and a foul mouth – one of which he can’t make public unless he really wants to fuck his chances over.

“i sound like i was raised in a hyena farm,” he turns to nayoung, and gently he presses on his own neck. he can’t hit a note, he knows that and that thought alone pisses him off. “the notes…” he sighs and shakes his head. “i think i’ve got the moves memorised somewhat, but my singing sounds like i was put through a grinder.”

[benayoung]

alex must know nayoung would never spend her limited free time with him, so somehow alex ends up at her place of employment. she doesn't ask him why, because somehow it just makes sense. besides, it seems like he's here to complain.

she raises an eyebrow as he hands over her phone. it's the news of twitch pulling out of korea. "ren told me," she answers simply.

"i was never in," nayoung clarifies, in case alex forgot. she was just a mod for his and ren's streams when she had time; never a streamer herself. "i've had a real job this whole time." except for the time she didn't have a job at all, but nayoung personally thinks that's better than making a living as a twitch streamer. "i don't know how you got enough people to like you to give you enough money that you haven't had to get a real job until now." it is honestly baffling, but nayoung does know most people have poor taste.

"allux was a stupid name anyway," she says, like that's remotely reassuring. she doesn't really care if it is or not. she thinks for a moment. last she heard from their manager, he was talking about not having enough people to work during the week. she's almost tempted to tell alex they're probably hiring, but she thinks better of it. even though she doubts they'll end up working at the same time since she and cam take the weekend shift now, it's still somehow too close of a proximity to alex.

"aren't you supposed to be good at writing or whatever? maybe you can do something with that."

cursed touch.

@benayoung

"did you see this?" alex hands his phone over to his friend, an article pulled up about the current situation that has him absolutely lost in the face of change. "you and ren got out at a good time. this fucking sucks."

he's about to be completely and utterly unemployed. not that alex has had a 'real job' anyway but it's starting to feel like he might be cursed or something. competitive overwatch is dead, twitch is leaving south korea, and... well, technically he could go back to valorant, but he's pushing his mid-20s and already feels that his reflexes aren't what they used to be. streaming was his last source of income, now taken away from him by steep network fees in a country he willingly chose to return to.

"i guess technically i could move to youtube or kick but like... my audience was on twitch. half of them were in north america anyway, they're not going to follow me somewhere else... ugh, i guess this is the end of allux."

he knows nayoung probably doesn't care and will probably berate him for this, somehow. and yet alex doesn't care; sometimes a guy just needs to vent even if it's to the worst possible person. nayoung just happens to be here so she's the one who has to hear it.

[benayoung]

( cw: toxic gamers, bad language, misogyny )

the game more or less goes well. it's uneventful, which is honestly welcome. nobody say anything, they don't suck so bad that it infuriates her – all is well, at least until they all die but one.

nayoung honestly just expects to lose and move on, but she watches her teammate's pov as the game continues. she's ultimately impressed by how close the player comes to clutching it out. they end up apologizing in the chat, too. nayoung's in the middle of typing all good nt when some absolute idiot speaks up instead.

she pulls up the game's stats as he rants about how much better he could've done.

"dude shut up, you fucking died," she comes off of mute to point out. "if you were so good you would've lived and we would've won but they just got more kills now than you got the entire fucking game."

"i would've done better if the rest of you weren't trash!" the guy counters. yeah. typical brainless gamer argument.

"uh huh, you know, you wouldn't be so shit at the game if you spent half as much time trying to improve yourself as you do running your dumbfuck mouth," nayoung fires back.

"shut up, whore!" is all he has to say in response. yeah. typical brainless gamer part two.

"oh my god, you wanna fuck me sooo bad, shut the fuck up and play the game you massive feeder. though honestly we would probably do better if you just went afk that's how god fucking awful you are," she replies.

he sputters and yells so loud that all she can hear is the feedback from his mic, so she just laughs. "what, are you gonna tell your mom about it? does she need to buy new diapers to contain your babyrage?"

she's just having fun now. some women shy away from toxic men in video games, but the way nayoung sees it, the distance is empowering. if it empowers men to say vile shit they never would in person, it can empower her to fight them like she'd never be able to in real life, too.

split. okay, not the best map but it also wasn't the worst. a few seconds pass and before natsuki knows it they're loaded into the game. currently leaned back against her secret lab gaming chair that she paid too much money for, she immediately sat up when they were loaded in and bought her usual loadout as if on autopilot. although it was an unranked game, she was determined for this last one for the day to be a good one and to end on a win.

the first few rounds of the game went smoothly, no one saying a word until one round where everyone had died and being the sentinel on attack, of course she was the last one standing with the rest of the enemy team alive. okay nana, you got this. you just need to land your shots, you've got your turret watching heaven for you just play off sound and your util, you'll be fine.

natsuki was very competitive when it came to video games like valorant and always wanted to do her best, even if it was an unranked game. all of her concentration was on her screen as she listened for any sound. soon enough, she heard footsteps climbing up heaven and her turret went off which is when she peeked and managed to get one kill.

before she can even switch locations she hears her alarm bot go off and waits for the team to tap the bomb, waiting three seconds before she detonates her swarm grenades and somehow manages to get another two before she swings and gets one more, only to completely whiff on the last player standing. "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!" she exclaims in frustration, scowling at the letters 'LOST' on the screen. typing into the chat, she writes: "sorry guys, my bad. i tried it was 1v5 :("

when one of her teammates, the breach specifically, suddenly opens up their mic and as if on cue, he starts going off on a rant on how he could've clutched the round if it was him and that her aim was terrible for a diamond player despite being bottom frag in the whole game. the presence of an angry male voice made her shudder, more or less causing her to go into flight or fight mode. as she was about to type back a message into chat, still refusing to open her mic, natsuki hears an equally angry female voice spit back, telling him to shut up and she can't help but let out an amused laugh.