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benayoung · 1 year

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“i promise you’ll see me on stage again, and i’ll keep growing so you can be proud to support me now and in the future.”

now that nayoung has nothing to focus on other than the impending results, she feels more terrified than she has the entire competition.

here she is, another survival show finale, her dreams so close within reach, yet also so far. will she once again fall just short, or will she finally win? is it worth daydreaming about climbing the ranks to one of those sought-after top three positions? should she try not to think about it at all?

she doesn’t know. for now, though, there is one final distraction: the interview. she suspects they’ll force her to talk about everything on her mind, though.

how are you feeling about your performance?

“i tried to have fun, since it was the last one,” nayoung answers with a hint of a smile. “i think we did our best. that’s all we can do.”

do you think it was enough to get a contract?

of course they’d ask that. she looks down at her lap, and curls her fingers into a fist. “i hope so,” she settles on.

what would becoming a trainee again mean to you?

“it would mean everything,” she replies. “i honestly...gave up, for a while. i’m mad at myself for that. i think, if my former company terminated my contract and i resolved to keep practicing and achieve my dreams, i would’ve done better here, but i didn’t. i gave up, but next gen has proven to me that i still have what it takes to be a trainee again, and hopefully an idol one day. i know getting a contract at the end of this isn’t guaranteed for me at all, and i’m honestly afraid,” she lets out a breath of laughter. “but i won’t give up this time, even if i fail. i will become a trainee again one way or another, and i have the next gen judges and producers to thank for believing in me so i would believe in myself again.”

any final words for your supporters?

“i mainly want to say thank you. i know some of you may have followed me from my very first survival show, and i’m just...incredibly grateful, that you’ve continued to look after me well.” should she say something about her changing personality? how the bubbly, polite girl they supported years ago evaporated when it came time to join next gen? no, probably not. there’s no reason for that. “i hope i don’t disappoint you in the end. i hope i did enough to achieve a favorable result for both of us, but even if i didn’t, i promise you’ll see me on stage again, and i’ll keep growing so you can be proud to support me now and in the future.”

#be:ngs1p6 #❁┆solo #❁┆nextgen #❁┆ng interview 6 #she did all of the possible requirements for the finale. everyone cheered

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benayoung · 1 year

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` ❁┆THE BADDEST - K/DA | 1:31 - 2:23

“i came to slay, i came to slay, back and i’m better and ready to stay.” ♥

nayoung spends a lot of time online these days, so seeing the news was unavoidable. just another survival show. next gen. it seemed like a big one, though; it would draw far more eyes than either of the previous survival shows she was on.

at first, she doesn’t want to do it. after all, she is out of practice and she is old and she failed enough before to get the message. perhaps it’s time to put her dream of becoming an idol aside. she should get a job, and she could go to school for...something. what? she doesn’t know.

the next gen audition form doesn’t leave her mind for a second after she looks at it, though. she goes to work at her new job, gets home, and binge watches wednesday. she tries not to think about it and fails.

so what if she does do it? what’s the worst that could happen? she injures herself or in some way majorly humiliates herself on national television again, only to go home with nothing? she’s done that already. sure, there weren’t as many people watching her former survival shows as she’s sure there will be for next gen. if she falls short this time too, more people will look at her as a failure.

does she care? nayoung feels like she lost her last shred of dignity a while ago. surely, no one sees her as a bigger failure than she does, so maybe no one else matters. if she is as forgettable as the judges of her former survival shows seemed to think she was, if she fails, no one will remember her anyway.

but what if she succeeds? she returns to training and another god-knows-how-many years waiting to debut, and even that is not guaranteed. throw in a fourth survival show to finally secure her place on stage for good. add the constant public scrutiny and the busy schedule and the group mates she may or may not get along with. is she still cut out for that? does she still want that?

she starts small. she signs up for an intermediate dance class, like dipping her toe into the water again after nearly drowning. she dresses in the old practice clothes she stuffed to the back of her closet (that miraculously still fit.) she ties her hair up in a ponytail like she used to for training, and stares at herself in the mirror for too long.

is the nayoung that looks back at her still kpop idol material?

that doesn’t matter yet. what matters: is she ready for this intermediate dance class?

yes. to her relief, the intermediate dance steps come too easily to her. she’s sure she’ll still be sore tomorrow, because her muscles aren’t used to the constant exercise anymore or...much exercise at all, admittedly. she still tries not to lean onto her formerly injured ankle too much, even though her doctor told her everything healed as it should.

by the time the class is over, everything feels familiar again. she goes to the studio’s bathroom, hides herself in a stall, and cries. she doesn’t even know why. maybe it’s grief, or relief, or fear, or acceptance, or all of the above.

she missed it. she misses it.

when she gets back home, she stares at the next gen audition form on her computer screen.

she misses it.

she needs to make sure she can still sing, or rap, or both, before she can make a real decision about the audition. she hasn’t done that since her former company dropped her either.

she can’t do that entirely by herself, but she remembers her vocal warm ups, and she turns on her music and sings and raps along until it feels comfortable again. she doesn’t know if she’s good anymore, but she can still do it.

she takes it one step at a time. dance again. check. sing again. check. rap again. check. if she hypothetically did audition, what song would she audition with?

she finds a place to practice first. she, with great anxiety, calls the dance studio she danced at before she became a trainee, and explains the situation. hi, i don’t know if you remember me; it’s lee nayoung. yeah, i was a trainee. no, i’m not anymore. i was wondering if i could come practice in your studio? i’ll pay for the time.

they let her, under the condition that she takes a lesson with them again, so she does. an advance class this time. she keeps up. that’s a good sign.

somehow, her old dance instructor is still working there, and they run into each other in the lobby. he asks her about next gen before she even brings it up.

“are you going to audition?”

“ah, i don’t know.”

“you should.”

“i’m here to practice for that, actually...i’m not committing to auditioning yet, but i’m going to go through the process while i think about it.” she can decide she doesn’t want to send in her audition tape at any time, but if she takes more valuable days to simply think without practicing, it’ll be bad news for her if she decides she wants to do it.

“this is...a huge favor to ask,” she begins, still speaking to her former dance instructor. “but i’m still not very good at choreographing things myself. if i audition, i do want to dance. it’s still what i’m best at. so...if you’re free, would you help me? i’m not sure if i want to do a song with set choreography or not, but...of course, i’ll pay you for your time!”

sure, we can just do private lessons, he tells her, and he agrees even when she tells him she may only work with him for a couple of weeks. he tells her she should keep dancing regardless of what happens, though, and maybe he’s right.

she goes home that night and thinks about songs. she can’t help but think of the feedback that stuck with her the most of any survival show she was on: bring your personality to the performance. back then, they said her performance showed nothing about who she was; it was just her copying her seniors’ performance and nothing else.

she didn’t know how to fix that back then. she didn’t know what to do when no one told her who to be. she gets it now; there was no personality in her performance because she had no real personality at all. she just pretended to be whoever she needed to be in the moment to benefit her the most. that nayoung was smart, but...this nayoung doesn’t know if she can pull that off anymore. she doesn’t know if she has the energy or patience or if she cares enough about it all anymore.

she goes through her favorite female soloists first, and considers doing a somin song. that’s what she did for her last survival show performance, though, and as much as she admires her and wants to follow her in her footsteps...she should probably do something different.

next comes goeun. what was that song goeun rapped in? bicycle. she watches the music video again, and cuts it into a minute in her mind. yes, she can do that, but she can do...better. if she’s going to audition, she would rather be too ambitious than play it safe. she hasn’t been ambitious in a long time, but it feels like finding herself again. now that she’s unlocked that part of herself again, she wants it all.

stay tonight has the harder choreography that she wants, and is more her than bicycle, but it lacks the rap she wants to show off as well, and that feedback still haunts her. if she performs stay tonight, will she once again just be a carbon copy of an artist she admires? in some ways, she thinks that should be a compliment, but she understands the point. she needs to be her own artist, even for as willing as she is to do whatever any company may want from her.

so, who is lee nayoung? she doesn’t know the answer to that question anymore, if she ever did know it.

maybe the more important question is who does she want to be?

she doesn’t know that either. she fires up her gaming laptop and her gaming playlist with every intention of unwinding and thinking about it tomorrow, but the first song that plays stops her in her tracks.

the baddest by k/da.

she’s probably been called a bitch more than she’s been complimented in her life. she knows now more than ever that her natural personality, when she’s not trying to be anyone else, is a little off-putting. not the ideal personality of a kpop idol, but...it’s her personality. she still doesn’t mind being whoever she needs to be in front of a camera, and she’ll deal with that when it comes to it, if it even does come to that, but for now...this is how she puts her personality into a performance.

she hopes, anyway.

it’s one line in particular that really sells her on the baddest, and locks it in as her song of choice: i came to slay, i came to slay, back and I'm better and ready to stay. that’s what she wants to embody on her third survival show.

is she better? probably not, but nayoung wouldn’t be nayoung if she wasn’t faking something, would she? this time she’ll just fake her confidence. easy enough.

and apparently she’s doing it.

she’s already gotten this far, and just preparing for this hypothetical audition...woke something up in her that she thought died.

she doesn’t want to give up. not yet. this opportunity is in front of her, so she’ll take it, if only because her past self would never forgive her. past nayoung worked too hard training for years for her to wither away and never use those skills again.

her old self slowly returns to her: the focus, the work ethic, the rising early in the morning to practice, the willingness to practice until the brink of exhaustion, hell, she even starts eating healthier again. some parts don’t return: the arrogance, the superiority complex, the lack of self awareness. she’s different now.

is she better? she doesn’t know, but she’s different.

the good thing about the first audition being a tape is that she can record it as much as she wants. she enlists her dance instructor’s help, god love him, and he watches her perform the same minute of the song over and over again, offering feedback each time, until eventually, all he has to say is, “you did well, nayoung,” or “that time was fine, nayoung, you don’t have to do it anymore.”

“one more time,” she says. she has him start the camera for her.

she bows for what feels like the hundredth time. “hello, i’m lee nayoung. i’m 22 years old, and i’ll be performing the baddest by k/da.”

she starts in the middle of the song, and the beginning of the second chorus; not ideal, but the only way to meet the time regulations and fit in that favorite line of hers.

she tries to embody confidence, and by this time, and several warm up performances...she’s starting to feel it. she starts to believe it. she can do this. she is the baddest.

Comin' at you live, real, real wild Here to light it up, set the world on fire Gonna break rules and hearts in twos 'Cause that's what the baddest do Never goin' back, nah, not that Diamonds on drip 'cause I came to make a splash Gonna break rules and hearts in twos 'Cause that's what the baddest do

nayoung historically never broke the rules, and she probably still won’t, but she’s ready to break some hearts and make a splash, that’s for sure. she’ll cooperate, but she has no intentions of playing nice with the competition if she’ll find just as much success being mean. if they’re on a team? fine. the team is paramount. if it’s just her? she’ll destroy them all.

Sorry for the bad news, sorry I'm so bad Only took a minute for me to get what you had Sorry for the bad news, know it makes you sad I'll be here for a minute, baby, you should pack your bags

she sings and dances with all of the attitude in the song, and she’s not sorry. she’s not sorry for anything. she has it in her. the other girls should pack their bags and go home instead of competing with her, and if they don’t, she’ll send them home herself. (she hopes so. no; she can do it.)

Way that I look should be breakin' the law If I don't got it, I take what I want My circle small like a round of applause You know that I love the sound of applause

maybe she relates to the song too much, or past nayoung relates to it too much. past nayoung, in all of her confidence and conviction. the utterly unshakable belief in herself–– well, it was shakable. she needs it back. this song inspires it in her. she loved the stage and she wants to see it again. she wants to hear people cheering for her again. she can do it.

she raps the final lines of the song, fast to match powerful choreography:

You know I mean everything that I say When you see me coming, get out of the way I came to slay, I came to slay Back and I'm better and ready to stay

she finishes with her favorite line. it’s a bit of a sudden ending, too, but she did her best. this time, she smiles at the camera, and offers a small salute as a farewell.

she still hesitates on the audition page before hitting the submit button. is she ready? is she really ready to do this all again?

she wonders what past nayoung would tell her. not to be a coward, probably. that she’ll succeed for sure. that she would never forgive her if she let this opportunity pass her by without at least trying.

she uploads the video and the form, then presses submit.

she looks at herself in her bedroom mirror again, and she is still a picture of her old self: the same practice clothes, the same high ponytail she danced in so often, the same face, even if her eyes are more tired and jaded than they once were.

maybe she’s stronger, too, somehow.

but is this nayoung still kpop idol material? that’s the question.

she’ll let the judges decide.

#be:ngs1p1 #❁┆solo #❁┆ the baddest #unsurprisingly this is 2k words long pretend you do not see it #i so rarely finish things this early but nayoung would not shut up so! here we go #❁┆nextgen

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