betterthana-six
betterthana-six
🪟minna🪟
34 posts
sapphic •| writer, dreamer •| gender fluid, mdni
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betterthana-six · 1 month ago
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Brewin
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i need someone to write this SO bad. literally on my hands and knees begging for another ellabs hate sex fic.
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betterthana-six · 1 month ago
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Idk is anyone interested in a canon ellabs fic that actually sounds like Ellie and Abby….
I saw a post that was like Ellie calling Abby ‘mommy’ and LISTEN - I read and love that shit. However I was also like…. Eh I would love to see a fic that’s very true to their character. Almost trying to emulate the original tlou2 writing style? Eh?
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betterthana-six · 1 month ago
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ellie’s masculinity is so handsome,,,the world ended and and yet butches persist, what a gift
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betterthana-six · 1 month ago
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controversial opinion: if you don’t like Owen as a joke, that’s funny, but if actually genuinely you don’t like Owen you don’t get the game
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betterthana-six · 2 months ago
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her and that fucking pout
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betterthana-six · 2 months ago
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Can we all, as a family, manifest all the anger towards Bella from the tlou fandom and redirect it to Craig mazin tenfold…eh?
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betterthana-six · 3 months ago
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Tumblr has heard me raging at the skies.
Notice how nobody breathes a single word about Jesse being jacked in a post apocalyptic world, in the town of Jackson no less, where there isn't a state of the art gym facility to be found.
But Abby having muscle mass is somehow too far a stretch for the human imagination? Despite it being both practical and possible given the resources Abby has access to, coupled with her unwavering discipline and drive?
Welcome, my friends, to misogyny.
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betterthana-six · 3 months ago
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When a man gets jacked, he's praised.
When a woman builds her body, she's faced with a brick wall of criticism and cruelty. Support usually only comes from other people in the gym, or a small handful of open minded people and even then, you'd be surprised how often we're still shoved into a box.
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She looks like a man.
Nah, she's too bulky.
She's not feminine anymore.
She's juicing for sure.
Gross.
Unnatural.
Why would anyone want to look like that?
She's gone too far, that's just not attractive.
Her boobs disappeared, no thanks.
No way she looks like that without steroids.
And some truly grotesque insults I won't bother repeating.
Let's not even get into the way we're often misrepresented when written into fanfiction and other forms of media.
Can you imagine if Abby was petite in the boat scene? Let that settle for a minute. It only went down like that because Abby's character is bigger. She's muscular, so being rough with her without established consent? Totally acceptable and overlooked. Think I'm wrong? Hit me up when Season 3 comes around. We'll see if that scene is treated differently.
Anyway. Mad love to Abby Anderson from TLOU II. I hope we see more powerful women in media in the future.
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betterthana-six · 3 months ago
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Where's my WLF Abby DLC?
I'm so ready to play the girl who trained her grief into muscle. I wanna see her rise through the WLF ranks.
Give me clumsy, corny gym mechanics. I want to experience her very first time picking up a dumbbell. Let us train her strength and stamina and control through rope climbs and bench presses and heavy bags.
Give me training sequences with Manny and Nora.
Let us roll through her inner conflict in the middle of a war zone.
I want to see how Abby treats prisoners and how she handles interrogations. She's already strong but maybe a little reckless. Smart as hell but completely emotionally shut down.
Show me what that looks like when she's ordered to assist and protect Mel during a raid evacuation where they're trying to gather supplies and get out alive.
Hit me with a hallucination sequence from exhaustion and PTSD. Let's deep dive her nightmares.
I want stealth patrols near dangerous water routes, drowned freeways and fog covered shores.
Give us heavy crafting and looting. Driving mechanics. Gunner mechanics.
I want more banter with Manny and their brother/sister camaraderie as they fight their way through a damn infected bloodbath.
Give us Abby being assigned to escort a junior patrol team along the eastern coast, while her grief is still fresh and it's her earliest swing at leadership.
Give us tracking gameplay that she learned from her dad.
Give us her eating in a calorie surplus because she's putting on muscle mass and Manny cannot stop teasing her. So. Many. Burritos.
Hell, give me something immediately following the escape from Santa Barbara. That would be so badass.
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betterthana-six · 3 months ago
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I have been really trying to put my finger on how I feel about Abby in the show. This^ is really one of the most astute explanations of it.
Again and again, I'll say how I love Kaitlyn Dever. Loved her in Booksmart. Loved her in Unbelievable. So, I need it to be abundantly clear: THIS IS NOT ABOUT HER.
My critiques are solely on Craig Mazin and Neil Druckmann. A critical feeling I really thought I wouldn't have about them because, of anyone in the world, I was extremely convinced they held this rich text as near to their hearts as I do. (But also maybe I shouldn't be so surprised because if a person like Neil Druckmann can write the entirety of TLOU 2, a game about the cycle of revenge and misinformed violence, and still have his opinions of Zionism, maybe he shouldn't be looked to for all debates on rationality. Jfc.)
I'm not gonna repeat what's been said so far about Abby, but here is my opinion for those who care.
All I'll say is that I am a muscular woman. I am a muscular woman who trains specifically because I love the catharsis of it (plus, the gender of it but that's a topic for another time), so when I saw Abby on my screen for the first time, I immediately got it. I got her.
Years of muscle building for a near-delusion of grandeur? Girl, I fucking get that.
Abby's physicality establishes her character but it also establishes her authority. People keep talking about how she needed to have that body type to represent the depth of her emotion, or, in a way, lack thereof, and her focus on Joel, but it also caters to how she operates for the rest of the story we see.
She is not just Abby, Joel's killer. She is Abby, Isaac's right hand man. Abby, top-tier militia member. Abby, ex-Firefly. Abby, part of the Salt Lake City crew. Abby, Lev and Yara's protector. I could go on.
The point is: you see Abby, you immediately know all of this.
She commands attention. Her body speaks for her. Her appearance adds so much depth because Abby has such a complex personality. When you look deeper (like a lot of us have), she really is everything we know her to be - introspective, strategic, and kind, she's an animal-lover, a passionate feeler, etc. She can be aggressive and violent, but her soul shines through and begs you to understand her.
Her outward appearance juxtaposes who she is on the inside. It's sooooo important.
When the trailer came out I saw Abby's figure, I wasn't immediately saddened but more just curious to see how in the world this adaptation would fulfill all areas of Abby's true character.
I will be intrigued to see how they try to rectify this absence in season 3. I have a lot of thoughts about the second season's writing in general, but season 1 was so good, I still have some hope. That's just my two-cents. Peace and love, seriously. I write cuz I care.
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If Abby Anderson had been plus sized in the game and HBO shrank her down for the show, the internet would be on fire.
People would be writing thinkpieces, calling it fatphobia, analyzing every goddamn frame, and frankly, they'd be well within their right to.
Why is it different now?
Why is it okay to completely erase her body and minimize what defined Abby's arc and most importantly, the trauma that led her entire storyline?
Abby wasn't just muscular for aesthetics. I've said it before and I'll say it a million times. Her body told a story of grief, discipline, obsession, and survival. It meant something. To flatten that into something more "palatable" for TV is not some neutral act. It's erasure in a media space that badly needs accurate representation.
Stop acting like it's not a big deal. Stop telling me I'm somehow being mean to Kaitlyn Dever because I'm speaking out about my lived experience. If Abby had been plus sized, this would be a discourse storm and you know it. But she was built like a brick shithouse, and that strength made people super uncomfortable so they downsized her.
Male gazed the everloving shit out of her.
They didn't even bother looking for actresses that better fit the role. They didn't ask Abby's actress to hit the weights like many, many performers before her. She is meant to be a soldier in a militia. Come on, people.
They simply didn't care. And it has fueled the hatred against Abby's game character tenfold as a result. The misinformation about muscular women is skyrocketing and it will only continue to do so.
That should make you just as angry. We're supposed to show up for all women. Not just cherry picking what we think deserves attention.
Fuck Craig Mazin and fuck Neil Druckmann for refusing to acknowledge the hurt here.
And if you're a woman, and you're gaslighting other women into feeling shitty for speaking up about this, give your head a genuine shake.
I show up for your right for representation.
Where are you now?
I'm sick to death of having to defend myself so I'm not doing it anymore. I've been called a misogynist and a body shamer.
What is more misogynistic, more body shaming than erasing a strong ass woman and replacing her with the opposite body type?
Cease with this bullshit.
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betterthana-six · 3 months ago
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Abby didn’t heal by killing the man who killed nearly everyone she loved, her community of fireflies, her father, she healed by understanding why he killed everyone she knew.
She healed by finding and loving a child she didn’t think she would love and betraying people she once looked up to and abandoning everything she thought she knew for the simple love of someone who needed protection. She looked at Lev and finally understood that she would also kill everyone for this child who trusts her.
She looked at Lev and realized her father was killed because he stood between someone who couldn’t bear to lose the last person they loved and a vulnerable child. He was killed because of love. And that is what healed her, understanding why Joel did what he did, realizing that the reason she killed him was so close to the reason why he killed her father.
They’re the same. And if the Lev plot had happened before the revenge sequence, I certainly think she would have given up and stopped looking for Joel.
It’s important that it wasn’t revenge but understanding that brings peace.
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betterthana-six · 3 months ago
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Oh ok so it turns out ive been borrowing grief from the future ! it turns out ive been preparing to lose the things i love rather than basking in the light of them while they last. Maybe i should nt do that
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betterthana-six · 3 months ago
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Gonna start calling men “sweetheart” and “darling”
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betterthana-six · 10 months ago
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Ovulation week is fucking dangerous
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betterthana-six · 11 months ago
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abbys fingers nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom
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betterthana-six · 11 months ago
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Please... keep on writting more chapters of music to my ears
Im BEGGING YOU.
I am in the process of writing the fourth chapter! Going along slowly because work/life balance is never balanced lol but I’m so glad you guys like it. Soon soon soon!
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betterthana-six · 1 year ago
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| MUSIC TO MY EARS - [ABBY ANDERSON] - CHAPTER THREE |
PAIRINGS: stoic!rugby player abby x musician fem!reader
SUMMARY: you and your new(ish) college roommate, Abby Anderson, have gotten into an argument. about what? unclear at the moment. but it's got Abby in a fit of shame. until late one night she hears you outside with someone whose voice she doesn't recognize and listens in.
WARNINGS: heyooo we are so fucking back! AND LOOKIE AT THAT TAG LIST AHHH THANK YOU FOR THE AMAZING RECEPTION SO FAR!!!! LOVE YOU ALL. im having so much fun writing this and watching this story spiral into absolute chaos. im honestly just trying to see how big i can make this story. much more pining this chapter but ooh girl we are getting sexier as we go, trust the process. mdni DUH. ive been wanting to write a pool scene. abby sure be falling in love. let me know if you guys are liking the structure so far, its pretty predictable. abby is snarkier and snarkier, but im always nervous to stay true to her character. let me know what yall like, and even mid story I am open to suggestions or if youre like that or this part wasnt fully fleshed out, why not let me know? im down. k have fun. bye. ALSO: i have a playlist brewing for this story. comment if you want it and ill post.
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3
Music To My Ears: Chapter 3
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.・✫・゜・。..・✫・゜・。..・✫・゜・。.
There are tears drying on your chin when Abby abruptly stands up, pulling you up with her, towel still wrapped over your arms. 
She starts pulling clothes out of the depths of her closet and throwing them onto your bed.
“What are you doing?” You sniffle. 
“Put these on.”
“Your clothes won’t fit me. You have something called muscle mass.”
Abby let out a small snicker. “They’re from when I was, like, sixteen. They’ll fit,” she said.
“I have my own clothes, you know,” You gesture to your side of the room. “They’re actually about five feet away from me.”
“You’ll understand when we get there why I’m giving you my old clothes.”
“Are we hiking?”
“You hush.”
“Oh my god, is it paintball?”
“Yeah,” she says. “It’s paintball. The 24-hour paintball park is awaiting our arrival as we speak. How’d you guess?”
You smirk bashfully. “I’ll only put them on if you tell me what we’re doing.”
She plants herself a foot in front of you and tilts her head down. “You’re no fun.” She shoves one of her rugby sweatshirts into your stomach. “Let’s have fun. Actual fun. Come on, it’s the weekend for fuck’s sake. I just… I know a place.”
You lower the towel like a shawl around your elbows and walk over to your bed, as Abby’s eyes follow you. Seeing her, you jut your jaw out at her, waving your index finger in a circle. Abby's response was a bit delayed, she catches her eyes getting lost on your silhouette again, and struts slowly around to face her side. 
You sigh and put the clothes on. The feeling of warmth from the dry clothes covers your body with a chill and you’re nearly sedated with comfort. While Abby is still turned away, you bring the sleeve of her hoodie up to your nose and smell it as quietly as you could. 
“I’m ready,” you say.
Abby opens the door out to the hallway. Nobody’s out there. It’s nearly 1 am.
You still look both ways nervously, and Abby notes it, but neither of you say anything. She guides you down the hallway, the sound of her keys jangling against her thigh, hanging from the carabiner locked around her belt loop. She is sure to keep you close to her. Each time you sway or stumble a bit, she grabs your wrist and holds you up. Though, of course, you put a hand up every time to insist that you’re fine. 
You are still drunk. It is indeed still obvious. 
Abby turns a corner and halts the journey in front of a vending machine which blares with light in its dark corner. “Hold up, one second,” she says, as she inserts a dollar, some coins from her pocket, presses B7, grabs it from the bottom, takes your hand and puts the candy in it.
“Twix is my favorite,” you say.
“I know,” Abby says.
“You know?”
She hesitates and runs a shy hand over the back of her neck under her long braid. “I see wrappers in our trash sometimes.”
You pause with suspicious eyes. 
Abby gives a small laugh and looks away. “Whatever. Eat.”
You bite and it is as forgiving on your stomach as any midnight candy bar can be, especially after the amount of alcohol it's following.
Now, Abby pulls your hand from three paces ahead of you. She seems restless, happily so, in a way you had rarely seen her. Maybe only once or twice in hindsight.
You are already out the doors of your building and into the cool air of early spring. It is almost completely dark but the moon lights the pale sidewalk visibly enough. Once your eyes fully adjust, you can see Abby. Her braid swings back and forth across her back. 
After a ten minute walk through the main circle of campus, Abby takes one of the keys from her hip and opens the entrance of your school’s gym.
She checks your demeanor, and you meet her with a wide-eyed face that says: what the fuck?
“Just trust me,” she says and grabs your hand again, guiding you through the dark corridors and up the stairs, past the treadmills and weight machines. 
As you approach the top, a blue haze lights Abby’s face and then yours. It’s very quiet up there in the announcer’s box, and it looks down onto the college’s Olympic sized swimming pool. You’d only ever seen it from the doors on the bottom level. You remember the first time. People were splashing about in the water but it didn’t ruin the illusion for you. The smell of chlorine. The warm humidity that threatened its way out onto you. You, who stood firmly in the air conditioned hall, pleasantly zoned out on the swimmers.
Even from behind, Abby seems so eager to fulfill her spontaneous promise of a good time. A small smile grows on her face every now and then. You become very aware of your hand in hers. Hers is gruff and big and warm, her thumb securing around your fingers messily. It’s possible you merely imagine the vibration in the space between your palms. Her touch reignites the bliss of your drunkenness, and, again, you feel light on your feet. 
Abby pulls out a key and inserts it into the keyhole for a discreet door. It leads the two of you down two flights of stairs into a locker room with fresh towels piled up into neat stacks. She throws one at you: “Here.”
“No way,” you say. You realize you were so carried away you only now realized what she had brought you here to do.
“I didn’t bring you here for us not to swim.”
You smile big. “Oh, fuck yeah.”
“I knew it would cheer you up.” Abby laughs. 
“Wait,” you think, “someone’s gonna be here. We’re gonna get kicked out.”
“No, we’re not,” she reassures, “I’m friends with the rec team. I asked for the after hours key so I can workout at night. I guess I just forgot to give them back.”
You look at her a little confused, moreso disbelieving. 
“No, really, I swear. Sometimes it’s nice to de-stress at night. Let off a little steam when no one’s around,” Abby says. You smirk and lift her sweatshirt over your head, revealing the light blue tank top Abby had given you.
“Don’t I know it,” you say under your breath.
“Oh?” Abby says. 
“You think I don’t notice when you don’t come back to the dorm until 5 am?” You say with a cocky tone. 
Then, she, too, pulls her sweater off. She was only wearing a thin bra and boxers. You were surprised she wore anything under it at all, given her track record. You quickly note the way you don’t squirm or turn away. Perhaps it’s just a matter of familiarity - you have been roommates for three months now - or, maybe, it’s the way she’s looking at you in this moment. “You notice?” 
The sudden turn of the question makes you stutter.
“I- I mean, the once or twice it's happened. Obviously.”
Instead of laughing at you this time, Abby just stands and looks at you thoughtfully. Intensely. 
“Whatever. Yeah, that was…” she finally says, shaking her head, with a twinge of something shadowing her tone and preventing her from finishing her sentence.  
The both of you have changed completely into her clothes, the clothes she didn’t think twice about letting you ruin with chlorine. You save her from whatever she didn’t want to say. “You could’ve at least told me to bring a swimsuit…” You say. 
“Yeah, well, it would’ve spoiled the surprise,” Abby says.
At the door leading to the pool, Abby turns back suddenly, stopping before speaking.
“Okay, listen. This is a sacred rite. No one besides me, and now you, has access to this place. No one knows I have the keys, and it needs to stay that way.” 
You nod. “Makes sense.”
“Because this will be really fucking fun.”
“Understood.”
“And, I’m showing it to you because you’re having a shitty, no-good night.”
You hold a salute up to your forehead. “Captain, I won't let you down.”
She rolls her eyes to your delight. “Come on.”
You find her hand in yours again. You can’t help but marvel at how natural it was - not because you are surprised - just because it still sends a shiver running down your spine.
The smell of chlorine washes over you and you breathe deep, closing your eyes and feeling the damp air warming your skin. Abby’s in front of you, hooking her phone up to a wire and resting it on the ledge of the spectator window. The speakers overhead start playing music. 
“Holy shit,” you say, looking at her with amazement and pointing up to the ceiling. The Rolling Stones' “She’s A Rainbow” rings out over the speakers and fills the space completely. A smile creeps onto your face, and once it’s there, it’s stuck. 
“How’d I do?” She asks.
You don’t answer but smile at your feet. You walk past her towards the edge of the concrete, sparing a devilish smirk her way right when your shoulders nearly graze each other. Only the pool lights are on, making the whole place shine with the blue dancing patterns of the water ripples. It reflects onto your face, and, when you look back at Abby, she is staring at you.
“You coming?” You ask. 
And Abby eyes dart away in shock, feeling scandalized and taking what you said entirely out of context. She can’t help it; a semblance of those words have been echoing in her head for the last three months, more or less. Jolting her awake from her dreams. Both sleeping and conscious. 
.・✫・゜・。..・✫・゜・。..・✫・゜・。.
The first dream happened about three weeks into living together.
Since that conversation in your room on your first night, neither of you tried to initiate conversation deeper than small talk. The explosive end to that night left you reluctant to speak to her at all and left Abby anxious to say the wrong thing. 
It was the beginning of the semester, anyway. Abby had a routine to establish and you were busy finding the right buildings around campus, keeping your head down, and practicing guitar. 
You hadn’t been able to anticipate her comings and goings. Mostly Abby left for her day without saying a word and came back in the same manner. When she returned in the evenings, you quickly traded the guitar on your lap for earphones while Abby read silently only feet away.
"You can keep playing, I don't mind" is the only thing Abby would sometimes say. "No, it's okay. I should probably just use the practice rooms anyway," was your usual response, if you said anything at all.
The first dream happened when Abby took an impromptu nap in the early afternoon while you were out.
Her dreams involved many strange things she could never comprehend and typically forgot soon after she woke. Yet, toward the end of this dream, she saw nothing but your face, eyes softly closed, there between her legs. It was no in-depth scene. No words. No kissing. Just you, licking a line from her knee up the skin of her inner thigh. 
Abby woke up with a gasp. She looked down to find there was wetness between her thighs, and momentarily she couldn’t distinguish what was and wasn’t real. She was almost convinced that you really were somewhere near, that somehow you had been there between her legs just a moment ago. But, the room was empty and the wetness had come from Abby, herself, of course. 
She found her hand was there, too, under her boxers, to meet her body with stiff, soaked fingers.
She laid there, staring at the ceiling, unsure of what to make of it, still hypnotized in her exhaustion.
She didn’t think about it. Abby began moving her fingers around in circles, her other hand placed on the top of her head, bottom lip tucked slightly under her front teeth. 
She closed her eyes and, without realizing, tried to prolong the feeling that seemed so real only moments ago. 
You popped into her mind. She quickened her pace.
There was something so indulgent about the image she had. It felt dirty. Naughty ideations of her own roommate was something she knew she’d feel guilty about later, a secret that could never be shared. She didn’t know where it had come from specifically, this need for you, but, honestly, she didn’t even try to interrogate it. She just exhaled hard through her nose as she tried to picture you more vividly. 
“Fuck…” She whispered to herself. The feeling built and built and she gripped onto her blanket, breathing hard. 
Just then, the key to your door started jangling. 
Abby stopped immediately, yanked out of her dream and her tiredness altogether. She pulled up the slightly pulled down pants and sat up. She grabbed the book off her desk, opened it to a random page and pretended to be lost in the story by the time you opened the door and walked inside.
She had startled you. 
“Oh, hey,” you said. 
Abby looked up over the page. “Hey.”
“I forgot I need these for my next class,” you explain while gathering two books from your desk and shoving them into your backpack.
“Hm,” she said, feigning disinterest.
You zipped up and turned to leave. “Alright. See you later,” you said but met Abby’s eyes which were already on you. You turned back. “Are you okay?” You asked.
“I’m fine. Why?”
“Oh, nothing, your face is all red.”
Abby just shrugged, at a complete loss for words.
“Okay,” you said without a second thought. “Well, bye.”
“Bye.”
Once you were gone, Abby tossed the book, turned over onto her stomach, and buried her head beneath her pillow. 
.・✫・゜・。..・✫・゜・。..・✫・゜・。.
The dreams, however, only got worse from there. Abby started waking up from dreams with her hand down her pants more often than not and, by morning, they delivered her a head full of thoughts she could barely acknowledge to herself. Dreams of you sitting in her lap, dreams of her fingers in your mouth, dreams of you panting into her ear. She had visions of what you’d look like astride her hips with a smile on your face. Impossible dreams of you seducing her in huge hot tubs, or at fancy dinners with her hand squeezing tight around your thigh under a tablecloth, a gala where you both get locked in the coat closet with nothing but time to kill. These dreams consumed her until late in the day.
If there was one thing Abby promised herself she wouldn’t do is fall in love with a straight girl. Especially her roommate, who she presumed kind of hated her. This new energy you brought to her made her so vulnerable in the dark hours of the night, she felt she had to release it before she got in too deep. 
So, she tried the gym. She started lifting uncharacteristically heavier. She started lifting until failure, until she had completely obliterated her muscles. Her teammates applauded her for her hard work, if only they knew the real reason for the fire lit under her ass.
It helped some. More like distracted her. But she knew the craving hadn’t fully subsided. It only took an hour for it to re-emerge. Sooner if she saw you walking to class or if you tried to spark conversation in the dorm, which was rare but nonetheless excited Abby when it did happen.
One time when you were both getting ready for bed, you turned to Abby and broke the silence.
“Hey, I was wondering…”
“What’s up?” Abby responded. The eagerness with which she asked was out of her control. 
“I, um, well, do you think you could show me around the gym sometime? I didn’t get to see it when I toured, and it’s so big. I’m honestly kind of intimidated-”
“Yes, yeah,” Abby said.
“Cool,” you nodded. “Thank you.”
A moment of silence passed. Abby’s heart raced with the prospect of getting to talk to you so much. Guide you around and show you the place. But in a second, she thought better of it. She needed to contain herself someway or another. 
“Yeah,” Abby continued. “They’ve got a great yoga studio, you know. One has classes and the other one is free for students to use anytime.”
You scoffed. Abby’s face was intentionally blank, waiting to see your reaction.
“Of course,” you said. “Of course, you assume I’d just want to do yoga.”
“I figure you’d want to see it.”
“Okay, well could you just show me the whole gym?”
“Yeah,” Abby said, recoiling from you a bit. She pushed through, wondered if perhaps she could make this worse for herself. Worsening the relationship could force the unwanted thoughts about you to subside entirely. “Sorry. You don’t strike me as a weightlifter.” 
You stopped and looked sharply her way.
“Okay. Forget I asked. I’ll find someone else.”
Just like that, another failed attempt at conversation was over. Her self-sabotage felt far less productive than she thought it would feel. All Abby felt was stupid. Her heart sank lower in her chest.
.・✫・゜・。..・✫・゜・。..・✫・゜・。.
Soon she became so scared of her sleeping self, worried that you'd hear her sleep talking your name or, dear god, catch her fucking herself while she dreamt about eating you out in the quiet section of a library. The idea was so mortifying to her that she nearly couldn’t sleep with you in the room at all, which was every night. 
She grew anxious, unable to control herself and unable to sleep. Practice became lackluster. Lifting felt ineffectual. Still, she knew she couldn’t let the levee break. She needed respite in any form and, eventually, Abby realized she was desperate. 
One day before rugby practice, she texted Nora, a girl Abby fucked on and off for a majority of her freshman year. Abby liked Nora because she was as impersonal about hooking up as Abby was. It was a clean-cut fuck buddy deal she knew she could rely on if she wanted.
The next Thursday, Nora took Abby in like an old friend. She sat her down and opened a bottle of wine, performed the pleasantries of simple conversation, caught up with school and sports and life, and eventually led Abby to the bedroom.
They knew what they were there to do.
In a blur, Abby found her arms wrapped around Nora's lower back as she pressed her face flesh to Nora's chest, guiding her through a sweaty orgasm which seemed satisfactory. 
When Nora tried to return the favor, Abby was completely dry. 
She had been mentally elsewhere since the moment she knocked on the door. 
She played it off as just being out of it, just wanting to please Nora that night. So, Abby haphazardly thanked her for the wine, as it was really the only thing Nora could give Abby that night besides for a spacious bed outside of the dorms, and they went to sleep.
But Abby could only stare up at the ceiling as Nora breathed heavily beside her in a deep sleep. 
She decided to walk back to the dorm. It was early and the sun was just starting to light up the sky. You were asleep, and when Abby closed the door, you sprawled out in your bed, strands of hair curled and scattered messily around your face. She watched you sleep for a second, feeling gross and cold and wired. She still couldn’t sleep, so she turned on her desk lamp and read in an attempt to forget her last two or three decisions.
When the sun was finally up, you turned over in your bed and pushed your covers down to your feet, stretching out until your hands hit the headboard. You saw Abby was already up, only reading in bed as you often found her.
“No gym today?” You yawned.
Abby looked over at you and just shook her head. 
“You look tired.”
“Good morning to you, too,” Abby said.
You nodded, grabbed your toiletry bag, and left. 
Half of Abby convinced herself you knew what she’d been doing the night before, which only made her feel dirtier. Moreover she believed that even if you knew, in agreement with how she wanted to keep things, you were totally indifferent.
.・✫・゜・。..・✫・゜・。..・✫・゜・。.
Abby’s logic wasn’t flawless. She thought she had been doing all the right things. She fucked it out of her system, as far as she was concerned, so after that she got right back into the swing of her routine. All excess feelings would surely go away. The dreams would stop. 
Yet, a week later, it was your face she saw through vertically moving weights, walking through the gym’s hallways that made Abby nearly drop the weights she had raised over her head. 
A blonde girl was walking with you. You seemed disinterested. 
Her name was Carol and she was another classical guitar major. She was the best in your music theory class and you clung to her when you realized not only was she a talented sight reader but she had the most lifeless and dull nature of anyone you had ever met. She was the exact friend you had hoped to meet.
She had also offered to show you around the gym when you asked. Admittedly, you didn’t need someone to tour guide you through the gym. You just didn’t want to go alone. 
Carol talked at you in great detail about the gym’s hours, what kinds of people one might find in certain areas, and how she tried pickleball once but couldn’t stand the instructor’s “overly-excited” approach to teaching.
You zoned out, clutched onto the straps of your backpack, and looked around at the gym. There were so many levels. A big hole in the wall right by the entrance that showcased the basketball courts, two yoga studios hidden around a corner on the second floor, the track that outlined the upper level, and, of course, the massive weightlifting section next to it. You tried to look away from it when Carol walked you past it just in case.
When she had taken you through most of it all, you stopped at the sight of double doors with small windows you could barely see through. 
“Is that the pool?” You asked, but you were already walking away by the time Carol could answer. 
You gazed eagerly at the swimmers who glided across the lap lanes with ease. There were sounds of whistles and people yelling out times. 
“Can anyone swim here or is it just for the swim team?” You asked and no one answered. 
You looked briefly behind you. Carol was gone. But, truthfully you didn’t care enough to go after her and continued staring at the splashes and glistening bodies in swimsuits, caps bobbing in and out of the water. The smell of the chlorine was so nostalgic. You let yourself breathe in and out, taking it all in, closing your eyes.
“It's just for the swim team, usually,” a voice said right behind you.
You jumped and turned to see who was inches away from you, closing you into the door behind you.
You exhaled. “Abby.”
“You swim?” She ignored your shock.
“Not, like, for exercise.”
“Hm,” Abby responded. “So, what are you doing here then?”
“Getting the tour I requested.”
“Yeah. From Carol, who’s never actually been here before.”
You momentarily look around for Carol but assume she must have left. You wonder how Abby even knew she was with you.
“Hey, she took a very riveting pickleball class here and has much to say about it,” you said. 
Abby smirked and moved from her close proximity to the space next to you. You both stayed there for a moment, just watching.
“She seems like a lot of fun.”
“She is,” you said a bit indignantly.
“I bet,” Abby said. “I had her in my Intro to College course last year. She’s very… organized?”
You sighed, eyes still fixed on the swim team. “Yeah, she’s kind of awful.” 
Abby couldn’t contain a laugh and you laughed with her. Out of all your conversations where she seemed to get on every one of your nerves, you were always kind to her. You turned away from the doors and Abby followed alongside as you walked together. 
“So,” Abby said, “why are you friends with her then?”
“She’s very smart. She’s nice enough.”
“Your standards for friendship are pretty low. No offense.” Abby swallowed at the thought of you taking offense. Of her taking it too far again. But this time you conceded.
“You could say that. I guess I like laying low.”
“Yeah, I see that. I can’t figure out why though.” You looked up at Abby to see if she’s fucking with you again but she looked genuine. It softened you. “I think you’re cool.”
“Thanks,” you said, looking from her to the floor again. “I just…I’ve had my fill of shitty friends before. I figure Carol is the boring kind of shitty and not the ‘ruin your life’ kind of shitty.”
“Christ,” Abby said. “I get that though.”
You looked at her to call bullshit. 
“No, really,” she continued. “If I had a dime for every time I’ve realized someone I considered a best friend was actually totally fucking awful, I’d have, like…”  
“Too many dimes?”
You smile. Abby smiled at having made you smile. 
“Too many fucking dimes,” Abby agreed and lingered on you, this laugh of yours in particular said, that’s so stupid, but you smiled anyway. She looked away and nervously stroked her neck. “Hey, listen, I’m sorry about what I said before. I see you lug, like, four guitars between classes everyday, so I had no right to say what I did, about me not taking you for a weightlifter. That was stupid.”
Abby’s breath got caught in her words. There was something about her that always made you sympathetic and made the corners of your mouth perk up. She went on.
“I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. Which… that’s my fault. If you ever want to hang out, though, outside of the dorm-” 
But your eyes tore from her and were suddenly down the hall, staring at a gaggle of girls talking to one of the front desk student workers. Your face went sullen and your body stunned. Abby tried to follow your gaze.
You went into a panic and your eyes darted around until they landed on Abby again. 
“I have to go,” you suddenly said. You swung around to Abby, seemingly hiding your face from them.
“Oh- sorry, did I-”
“But thanks for saying that. Yeah, we should,” you said, and Abby could sense your urgency to leave. “Do you wanna go to a party with me?”
Abby couldn’t hide her surprise. And pleasure. “Yes. Yeah,” she coughed. “Sure.”
“It’s a Valentine's Day party. I know it’s early in the month for that, but, yeah, Carol invited me and it seems like it might be fun, I sort of want to go but I don’t really want to go with…”
“Oh, yeah, no, fuck Carol. I’m down.”
“Yeah?” Your eyes opened brightly, at her and then anxiously to the doors behind you. “Okay, that’s great, amazing. I’ll see you later?”
“Yeah, see you.” 
And you were out the door. Abby noticed your head slightly turn away from the girls at the front desk. 
Abby’s eyes were wide. She let out a big breath and smiled to herself as she walked back to the weights. Yet, Abby found herself counting past her normal ten reps, so consumed by her thoughts that she couldn’t feel her muscles burning. Perhaps it was the moment you invited her to the party that Abby’s grand idea to repress her feelings had gone out the window. Maybe it was when you confided in her, in what small way it was, or the way you laughed at her being a smart ass that made her abandon the boundary she set for herself. Or, possibly, in the moments she spent watching you watch the swim team, Abby realized something she quietly knew since the day she met you: she couldn’t exercise or fuck her way out of this. 
Even if it all was to just be your friend, which she was slowly accepting it would be, it would be worth it to die on that hill. She would let herself die on that hill. Even if it broke her heart and you never were any the wiser. What else could she do? Abby had been a lost cause from the start. 
.・✫・゜・。..・✫・゜・。..・✫・゜・。.
In a glance, Abby’s memories stop short. She feels the same sense of hopefulness she did in her memory so she chooses not to reminisce further. Not when things feel so simple and good again.
It was hard enough for Abby to look you in the eyes. Every time she did, she felt like she was reading a book and your pages were turning so fast it made her dizzy. It’s how she feels as you ask again:
“You coming?” 
You’re half turned to face Abby on the pool’s edge with a hand outstretched to her and anticipation in your eyes. 
She comes in colors everywhere, she combs her hair, she's like a rainbow...
As if at peace with the restlessness you gave her, she looks over to you sweetly, cracking a girlish smile and releasing her hair from its braid.
“I’m not waiting for you!” You sing out. “Three! Two!”
Abby runs and cannonballs into the pool. 
A second later, Abby feels you explode into the water next to her and opens her eyes. The chlorine stings but she sees you clearly. The deep blue glow surrounds your body as you cascade through the water. Your eyes are squeezed shut drawing little lines of sunshine on the sides of your face, bubbles of air fluttering around you, escaping to the surface. 
Abby follows you up until you both find air. Two heads bobbing up and down. The noise of splashing calms. It’s just you and her. Both bodies are tensely aware of that fact. 
You hide the bottom half of your face in the water, looking away from Abby nervously. You can sense her eyes on you. It makes you freeze. The familiar heat runs up your neck. 
“Stop it.”
She shrugs, indecipherably.
“Okay,” she says.
But Abby doesn’t change a thing.
It all festers on your face. 
You take a breath and plunge down until water surrounds you completely, until you’ve held your breath so long that your heart beats louder than your thoughts, slowly and finally drowning them out.
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