betweenyoumeandthesewalls

[betweenyoumeandthesewalls]

why am i in my feels about this i'm literally getting married in a couple months. what's that about.

[betweenyoumeandthesewalls]

pieces of thoughts i have to put somewhere other than my brain right now:

- it sucks dating your friends because then you break up and of course you lose the person you dated but you also lose the friend you had before

- and i don't miss the relationship but i do miss my friend

- and when i'm the one that ended things i don't get to ask for my friend back

- because i hurt him

- and maybe i'm being hyperbolic here but he really did make me into the person i am now

- so there are reminders of him everywhere

- the things that make me laugh and the way i look at art

- i can't escape myself

- and now i have a boyfriend and i love him with my whole heart and we're shopping for rings and i want to spend the rest of my life with him

- and i have no doubts about him with and he really truly has nothing to worry about here but he's listening to me obsess and now i think im hurting him too

- and i don't think i can tell him that even though i'm not in love with my ex i still love my friend

- and really i've lost the privilege of loving my friend because i also broke his heart

- and he's my friend and maybe part of me hates the person who broke his heart

- i didn't mean to fall out of love with him but i did and i hurt him and i'm sorry

- i did mean to stop loving him but i don't think i managed it

- and the other thing, the thing i haven't said to anyone else yet, is that i worry about him

- because i knew him pretty well, at least for a couple years, as much of him as he could show anyone i think

- hugged him and held him and kissed him and soothed him and loved him when he was falling apart and wouldn't let anyone else see

- and what if no one's there to do that now

- what if he's been alone all this time

- what if i've irreparably damaged him and he never lets someone that close again

- maybe he just doesn't post his relationships anymore

- maybe he learned to let his friends in

- he finished his grad program a couple months ago

- he invited my boyfriend to his thesis presentation

- i watched it online today

- it's really good

- it's full of all the things i remember about him and when he speaks i hear all his hopes and dreams and doubts and passions and fears

- i wonder if the people in the audience heard them too

- he looks good

- older, more mature, more confident and self assured

- i don't like the reminder that time has passed, that maybe he's not the same person i knew

- i scrolled back through our old messages

- i didn't have to scroll very far

- august 23 2019 he tells me he loves me so much and i say i love him too

- august 28 2019 he texts me ily and a red heart emoji and i don't respond

- august 30 2019 i ask if we can talk

- september 3 2019 he sends me a wall of text that barely fits on my phone screen

- september 13 2019 he's in crisis and asks to talk and we do and we sit on the bleachers for over an hour and it's the only time in my four years of college that i set foot on the football field

- april 27 2020 he asks me why i sent him a friend request and i ask him why he unfriended me and we facetime for hours and say we'll try to be friends

- he doesn't accept my friend request, though

- then follows a smattering of memes and tiktoks and disparaging the greatest showman movie

- last message october 17 2020

- i walked for hours, over 16,000 steps today

- august 16 2024 2:49pm i say hi and congrats on finishing school and i watched your thesis

- i don't say i love him, that i think i'll always love him, that i think i might know how to mean it now better than i did in august five years ago

- i don't say that i miss him, that his thesis performance was beautiful, that i'm so proud of him

- read 5:30pm

- i told my friend i was doing ok

- but i'm writing stream of consciousness semi-poetry at 2am so i'm not really sure that's true

- i'm not really sure this is healthy for me or for him or for anyone

- i'm not really sure why i care so much about this or about him or about figuring out how i feel

- i'm not really sure about anything today

[betweenyoumeandthesewalls]

questions five years after breaking your heart

do you still communicate in mostly memes

do you still think in the most beautiful paragraphs

do you still listen to lofi

do you still love the idea of impermanence

do you still feel scared of things ending

do you still have to prove yourself all the time

do you still love museum tours

do you still hate yourself loudly and quietly

do you still have a turtle

do you still have the frog I gave you

do you still use skype instead of facetime

do you still have read receipts on

do you still speak italian

do you still talk to your friends

do you still not tell them anything important

do you still think we can be friends

do you still hate me

do you still love me