beyondiridescentwings

[beyondiridescentwings]

I'll Remember You

In my daydreams when my head was way too high up in the clouds, You were my anchor.

In the black, white, and gray—the monotony of reality, You were my yellow.

In the stormy seas of life—ever turbulent, ever changing, You were my respite.

In daily struggles when I had no choice but to always be strong, You were my weakness.

Through winding paths and unclear futures I knew not which to take, You were my home.

My guiding light, my other half. You who took my hand and did not let go. You who saw me for me.

—06/12/2025

[beyondiridescentwings]

Beautiful Things

You took my hand And smiled at me with Clear hazel eyes, A tinge of green in the light. And I thought, "Oh, he's so beautiful."

At night when I awoke To see you sleeping next to me, Slow breathing, a slight grin. I inched just a little bit closer, And I thanked God For a dream so beautiful.

Then you left with A goodbye that was never said. Heartache so great, Haunting, agonizing, overwhelming. Yet I thought to myself, "This is still beautiful."

Anger, regrets, so much yearning. So many memories And forgotten promises In so little time. How could I ever believe In anything beautiful anymore?

Now I have scars— Scars that even time can't fully heal. A constant reminder that I once had a love that was The death of me. And it was Oh, so beautiful.

—06/11/2025

[beyondiridescentwings]

Last night was the first time I looked at your photos and didn't cry.

It feels so bittersweet, but I think I'm gonna make it.

After sixteen long months, I think I'm finally getting over you.

—04/25/2025

[beyondiridescentwings]

Each heartache I endure is a step I take to let go of you. Though there are moments I find myself running back to our happiest days, I'll keep moving forward- one slow, solitary step at a time. One day, I'll look back, and see how far I've come. And it won't hurt anymore.

—03/28/2025

[beyondiridescentwings]

I wanted to tell you I love you, y'know? I was planning to before the year ended. I was determined to drown in stupidity again to try and reach 'him'.

But reading about how happy and content you've been ever since we were apart made me realize that you don't need me. In fact, I think I held you back from your happiness. So I bit my lip and crushed my heart again.

I don't know how many times I have to hurt to just accept that I'm not the one for you.

—01/06/2025

[beyondiridescentwings]

if thoughts could make a sound, would anyone hear my screams?

If tears could build an ocean, could I sail across to you?

It stings - maybe a little more than it should - to know that the person I chose to be the one for me, thought of me as just a fleeting lesson.

—12/31/2024

[beyondiridescentwings]

Sometimes, I lie in bed thinking about how much I miss just having our cameras on as we slept. Then I remember how you never asked to do that anymore after a few months. Never again.

I'd rather sleep through a thunderstorm than beg for your love again.

—06/17/2024

[beyondiridescentwings]

Perhaps she was right, perhaps I should tell the world our story.

Perhaps you'll see it, perhaps not.

Let the world will know just how much I wanted it to be you.

Perhaps then, my words can reach whatever God there is and place my soul next to yours in the next life.

—05/07/2024

[beyondiridescentwings]

Someone

You deserve someone

Who will sing to you with love in his eyes

Who will dance with you even with no music on

He'll smile and hold out his hand to take yours

"May I have this dance?"

He'll say in a low voice with a slight accent

He'll spin you around like you're in a ballroom

You'll lay your head on his chest

When you're tired from laughing

You'll slow dance like that for a while

And then he'll whisper

"I love you more than life itself."

Like Robin Hood to Maid Marian.

You deserve someone

Who will look at you

Like you're the only girl in the world

Who'll tell you you're beautiful everyday

Until you believe it

Who'll teach you how to cook,

To be better at a lot of games

Who'll listen to you rant about work

Or how you suck at gacha

Who'll correct your pronunciation

Or encourage you to use difficult words

Who'll play your games to spend time with you

Who'll treasure your heart

Like the fragile thing that it is,

Because they know how it feels

To have loved and to have lost.

You deserve someone

Who'll put aside their pride when you need them

Who won't run away

Even when you're a little too much

Who'll love you for you

And give you their all

Just as you do for them

Who'll try their damnest to respect your feelings

And will sincerely share theirs, too.

You deserve a love

That waxes and wanes,

But never, ever fades away.

- 03/19/2024

[beyondiridescentwings]

I wish to fall in slumber, peacefully, softly, and ne'er wake up.

[beyondiridescentwings]

"They've changed. I don't know what happened, but that's not how they were before."

"I think that's who they really are. Without the pretending. They pretended for a bit. And now this is it."

"I regret so much."

- 03/07/2024

[beyondiridescentwings]

.

All I see is black.

No more fireworks, no more sunshine, no more warmth in my chest when I smell rain on the ground.

Trust, hope, love. What for? If everything is as fleeting as the wind, then why should I give it my all? They say that's life, and I suppose that's true. But if you offer your everything to one person, hoping that they're the one, only to have them wake up one day and just … not feel anything for you, then what's the point? Are all words and promises meant to be empty?

What I once called home now casts me aside, what I once cherished now so easily forgets my existence. I strive to understand. What did I do wrong? I strive to burn memories just so I can move on, but I've never cursed my heart before for feeling so much, too much. It's all too much.

I wish I hadn't given so much. All the colors in the world can't fill the void, no matter how much they'll try. Not now, not ever. I can't ever trust again.

It's all going to be black.

02/22/2024

[beyondiridescentwings]

The Storm

They say heartbreak can make or break a person, but I sorely underestimated how cruel and deceptively warm it could be. I thought myself something of a veteran at the game - someone who could give their all at it, but know when to close the chapter. Eventually.

I could never put into words the pain, the anger, the confusion, the desperation, the rejection, when reality set in. Like a hurricane of emotions you thought you could handle at first, and yet here you are, swept away to God knows where. You don't even know how to get back home. If there even is a home to go back to.

I'd never been good at pretending - I who always wore my heart on my sleeve, quite unfortunately - so I'm not sure how I would've looked like to an observer. This broken little thing trying to laugh and chat and seem like she's having a swell time while the unknowing perpetrator is completely unaffected.

Oh, how envious. How positively infuriating. But I can't blame him no matter how easy it would be. Love changes. Affection fades. It's just his luck that he has moved on far quicker than I. Perhaps he just got used to it with the innumerable fights. Perhaps he was no longer happy and was just waiting. Perhaps he prepared for it way more. Who knows. He's always been the adaptable one. Good for him.

I used to loathe his coldness, his indifference, but it is wrong to wish this suffering on he who once held your heart. But you know, I liked to think I was special. I liked to think I was a little more unforgettable. I liked to think he would at least shed a few more tears to what was lost. I suppose I may have been heartless when I should've been happy for his growth. In his way, he did his best. He did what he thought felt right. Who am I to tell him it wasn't enough? When we were fighting life and time themselves.

I thought I'd run out of things to say. I'd told myself I'll just let the feelings flow until the well is empty. But it's a different kind of torture to experience things with him but not "with him". To hear his voice every day and not have it say my name. To hear him laugh and not have it be just for me. It is anguish. But he wanted to stay friends, right? And I, coward that I am, thought I could cling to whatever lifeline was thrown at me.

Will I drown because of this selfish stupidity? When will I find the courage to let go and choose to be free? Do I want to be free?

In my vulnerability, I thought I wanted to forget. In my desperation, I wanted to regret. He should've left well alone. I should've not held so tightly. We shouldn't have hoped. We were happy, yes, but seeing him cast those memories aside like they were just level-up experience broke something in me. Enraged, I wanted to convince myself that it wasn't worth it. But then who am I kidding? The days I spent looking over at him while he blissfully played his games and watched his videos and made silly faces at me were the days I felt like nothing in the world could make me happier. The mornings where I woke up to his sleeping face wishing it could be every day were the mornings I felt safe and loved and the luckiest girl in the world.

Maybe one day I'll find a new love, the love I was meant to have. Or maybe I'll find peace with myself and live alone to support my family. After all, who would have the energy to keep going through all this over and over?

Maybe one day I'll wake up no longer able to remember his face, or his voice, or the warmth of his hands, and the softness of his lips. And maybe I'll be content with that.

Maybe someone will see me again for who I was, and tell me I needn't change, truly. Or maybe I'll be a better person and finally start taking care of myself again.

I'm not really sure what I want exactly in the future, all I know is I just want to get through today. One day at a time. So when I look back to him and me, I can say with 100% certainty that I'm glad I didn't forget, that it happened. Because anything that made you smile a genuine smile has to be worth remembering, right?

- 01/14/24

[beyondiridescentwings]

The Quiet World by Jeffrey McDaniels 

[beyondiridescentwings]

Soliloquy

So you hoped and failed. Again. I guess I never learn, do I? You're much too gullible for this. I thought he really saw me. Haven't you heard of that line way too often? I just wanted to be happy. Is that so wrong? It was lovely while it lasted though. It was always the little things - his touch, his eyes, his goofy grin. Don't you think it's time you let go? Time was never enough. You're doing it again. Do you not feel the pain? Oh, but I do - sometimes a little too much.

But you know I love him. Even if the world would end right here and now, His smile would be the last thing I'd wish to see. Even if his heart beats for me no more, I'd murmur his name like a broken record. Even if I wish I didn't, I still love him.

Ah, what a fool, my heart.

11/20/22

[beyondiridescentwings]

Prize

One, two, three Make you fall in love with me Four, five, six Pretty promises, alluring tricks Seven, eight, calls way past nine You cave in and now you're mine Ten. Game's over. I win. Too bad, you'll never see me Again.

09/23/2022

[beyondiridescentwings]

Homecoming

When I was a child, I thought that love

Was when Mom came home with donuts and sweets.

When I was a teenager, I thought that love

Was all about flowers and secret love letters under the seats.

Ahh, it was bittersweet – the realization, the reality.

So when I was an adolescent, I thought that love

Was but a fool’s dream, a laughable teen’s fantasy.

I had worn my heart on my sleeve,

In rose-colored glasses, I had no clue.

It took me so long, but see now, I know

Every time you love, you give away a part of you.

It’s not all words, it’s not all gifts.

It’s the whisper of affection in the little things.

When I was I a child, I should’ve known love

Was when Mom came home, tired from work, with a hug.

When I was a teenager, I should’ve known love

Was when my friends had had enough of my bullies’ humbug.

It’s “Take care!”, “Get lunch?”, “You can have my fries.”

Or empanadas set aside just for me.

“You don’t have to try so hard anymore, I already see you.”

Or biscuits in a can for midnight when I’m hungry.

It’s that smile when he wakes up, before turning over again

It’s that tight, little hug she gives when she has to leave,

It’s that slightly loud yell when they’re worried about your paper cut,

It’s that small, clumsily-wrapped box on Christmas Eve.

When I was an adolescent, I’d long believed

That love was nothing but a teen’s fantasy.

But now, as the sun starts to set,

Tucked away in my bed,

I can see love’s melody all around me.

  - 04/08/2021