bibliophilebaby - Tumblr blog

[bibliophilebaby]

I feel like you're slipping away. Leaving us

[bibliophilebaby]

He makes me feral.

Kissing him is like being wrapped in a soft, heavy blanket in the freezing cold and never wanting to take it off.

I could do it all day.

[bibliophilebaby]

Crapping my pants.

UCAS is on refresh every five seconds

[bibliophilebaby]

i feel so empty and hollow, like my insides have disappeared and it's a blackening pit ready to collapse in on itself. no tears. no anger. no sadness.

just free fall.

[bibliophilebaby]

couldn't sleep so tried reading a new book i bought. tell me why it's so hyped on tiktok but it literally reads as if a five year old wrote it. disappointed💔

[bibliophilebaby]

I CAN SEE IT HAPPENING

[bibliophilebaby]

if i'm home alone and i stay awake, eventually when i turn everything off and try to sleep i get scared. call me a baby idc, all the little creaks and sounds scare me to the point i only sleep when i pass out from exhaustion. but when im home alone at his, in his room, i don't even question my safety. i can fall asleep within minutes even when hes not here because hes made it clear i am safe here. the familiar surroundings, the atmosphere, his smell, the love, its all encompassing and i feel peace so unlikely to be found elsewhere.

i know i'm young and everyone says you don't know love until your older but i truly think it's a lie. i feel like i can breathe with him. i can be myself. i can be stupid. i can learn without judgement. i can be emotional and have support instead of defence. i can be in a bad mood and he'll make everything better just by smiling. when i'm all wrapped up around him i feel like nothing could go wrong. that im lucky this amazing man chose me and has stuck by me through everything even when i didn't think i could do it. but also not so lucky, because he makes me feel like im deserving of him and that i am important to him.

that is love, no matter what anyone says.

i love my man.

[bibliophilebaby]

no one ever talks about how difficult it is to mentally struggle whilst practically living with your boyfriend.

after sixth form everything's gone downhill. i've started my long walks again. only eating once a day. weighing myself every morning. turning the shower on to mask the sound of me throwing up my food.

when i lived at home it was easy to get away with. no one would bat an eye or even think my behaviour was suspicious. and i thought to myself how slick i was, i was impressed with myself for being so secretive and sly.

but living here makes me realise i wasn't slick at all. if they cared they would've noticed.

he always makes sure to cuddle after we eat so i don't immediately go to the bathroom. if he sees me staring at myself in the mirror he'll kiss me and tell me im beautiful. he always asks if im hungry even if i say no because he knows i am but he knows im too embarrassed to say. we always shower together so im never in there alone for too long. i know he thinks i think hes just being a good boyfriend but im so physically aware of every act he does to ensure im okay. and it is probably the most bittersweet thing.

i love that he cares so much to put in the extra effort. i find it so sweet he helps me without having to make me talk. but sometimes i resent it, sometimes i want him to just let me do it.

but realistically i know he's only got my best interest at heart, hence why i could never get angry at him for it. he loves me and he proves in in every word, every look.

sometimes i really do wonder what i did to deserve such an amazing man.

[bibliophilebaby]

she's trying to reach out after seven years of nothing. i don't know if i have it in me to forgive her and try

[bibliophilebaby]

walking at night w no music is top tier

[bibliophilebaby]

i'm so scared for him to go to uni. i'm going to be completely alone. i have no one else.

obviously i'm happy for him and im so so proud but im scared he'll find something better, someone, or he won't be able to do the distance.

i can't lose him. i love him too much i wouldn't know who i am if i didn't.

[bibliophilebaby]

i've only ever had panic attacks when thinking of the guy from the car.

but for the first time, he gave me one.

i felt so scared, so vulnerable.

[bibliophilebaby]

i feel like if i do it, i disappoint everyone.

but if i don't? i'll disappoint myself.

the question shouldn't be what's more important but it is. i don't know.

[bibliophilebaby]

he made a joke about me having no friends the other day and he's right. i'm so lonely.

sure i have people i can talk to, but i dont have people i can talk to.

i never go out. i never see people. im never busy.

my boyfriend is all i have and it hurts. because he is the only person i have that connection with whilst he has it with so many other people. and whilst he's out having fun and living like we should at 18/19, i'm sat in bed. crying. waiting for him to come home.

i'm so alone

[bibliophilebaby]

she spoke to me, and she keeps speaking to me. like i know it's not a big deal but im a very nonchalant person. give me an ounce of attention and i will think of it for days. like she's so sweet. and she's interesting in talking to me? she approached ME? win.

[bibliophilebaby]

it feels like happiness again

i feel like i'm going to wake up, take these curls out, put my prefect tie on and walk to school. it feels like i'll walk through the gates with my best friend talking absolute nonsense and having a gossip session with miss goodge before form. it feels like lining up for the exams and smiling because i wasn't stressed, i was confident in myself. walking home with my tie hanging from my bag and sitting by the river with them until the sun went down and we had to rush home before curfew.

but i don't have a curfew anymore. i'm not 16 anymore and i don't have the safety and security i once had. i took it for granted and i want it back so desperately.

no one knew anything back then. my front was so perfect even i could believe myself. i had a secure group of friends, i had a good mindset.

but now i have no purpose. i have nothing to work towards, no one to impress, nothing to do everyday to keep my mind away from everything.

two years later and i'm back to square one.

[bibliophilebaby]

currently crying in a field bc life has fucked me up the arse once again.

is this me being a baby? maybe. do i care? no. everyone is stupid and mean and rude and awful and i hate them

you, a full grown man telling me to slit my wrists? you got it boss. you, a full grown woman rolling your eyes at me and mocking me? go ahead ma'am.

i wish i didn't give a single fuck but i'm too sensitive and everything hurts. it's hard not to take it person when it seems like everyone hates you.

haven't spoke to my mum in a month and i call her crying wanting someone to talk to and she says she doesn't have time for my shit and hung up my phone because her relaxing time is more important than comforting her daughter. good one.

i wish i could just disappear for a few months, not bother with any of it.