bigsads-blog

[bigsads-blog]

Just some 1 a.m. ramblings.

Sometimes it feels like youre running out of breath, running out of love, running out of life, you know?

Who do you have left

Everyone moving on, keep on going, leaving you behind

Best friend all grown up, Moving out,

Hours away, but years ahead

He's got a home, a job, and I'm playing games by myself

6 years of friendship I can feel coming to an end.

I'm really proud of him, he's the first to be an adult, do adult things, and he's worked hard. So hard that I can't keep up, not even in the rearview anymore.

But that's okay.

The other best friend has long forgotten me,

Got a girlfriend and I've been replaced

That's fine, that's how the boy is,

New Girl in the picture, his brother forgotten, comes back when the girl leaves, it's happened before, all the time, I should be used to it,

But damn it still hurts

Everyone around me has grown up, when did I fall behind? When did I become all alone again when did everyone get so old and why am I not grown up, what happened?

I guess I'm just running on borrowed time again, down the rabbit hole again, spinning around and around in circles again, down in my darkest places again, hurting again, why the fuck is it happening again?

I thought I was good, I got good, I got healthier, happier, friendlier, calmer, what changed for me to go to my old habits again?

Shit, I guess I need to see someone, got no one to even talk to, everyone comes to me when they need something, no "hello, how you doin? You good?" Nah just "hey I need this thing" or "can I talk to you about XYZ" man I'm so tired of doing the math, you plus me, but only when you call it, otherwise it's just me, and it's me plus nought.

I'm tired, I really am. I'm tired of pretending that I'm happy, I'm trying to make everyone happy, myself happy, but god at what cost, I'm only losing money.

Spent 5k on a PC, got no one to play with, solo queueing in a 5man game, everyone else has become busy, why can't I be busy too. God, why am I a child when my friends all became adults.

Lying awake at night, pondering why Im here, trying to find my worth, still coming up short. Maybe a dollar or two, not even my organs are worth anything, thank you whiskey. Can't sleep, my head hurts, I'm so tired but I can't close my eyes, the demons are too close, they'll take over if I surrender control.

I can't let the demons in, what if they do things I shouldn't? I got close before, what if I go further this time, I can't hurt my mom like that, it'll break her poor heart.

Yeah but does even she really care anymore? Everyone around me's left, she's only living in the same house as me, what am I to her now?

I guess I just need to sleep, maybe I'll be better tomorrow, maybe the demons will stay back, maybe my friends are still here, maybe I'm still worth something to someone tomorrow.

Probably not but I still have hope for now