billstellar

[billstellar]

man. having no sex drive was chill for a bit but now i feel like i’m wasting the sexiest yrs of my life in abstinence 😭 but every time i try tapering down my meds my mental health spirals so i’m like…. extremely dependent on them. which idk it’s cool that they help but i also want to feel human again. i don’t really love being watered down, i really do miss who i was before ssris but idk if i can handle being that again. but maybe.

[billstellar]

everyone on replies is terrified of this fact but i just think it's so sweet and heartwarming. she's holding our hand and leading us somewhere secret and we're both giggling like kids. i love her

[billstellar]

[billstellar]

i’d probs be so fine if i just cried but instead all i can do is talk to the ghosts in my phone and pray that one of them will possess me and turn me inside out

[billstellar]

please tumblr save me from the worst crash out of my life tumblr. save me 😀 pls

[billstellar]

feels like something is being presented directly to me. a grand moment of tension between who i think i am and who i truly am. i need to step away from myself. i can’t keep performing. but i don’t really know how to be myself anymore! probs a delayed onset autistic meltdown incoming over all the major life changes lately. and uhhhh the world. double dipped in identity crisis and self-spite. mannnn….. i need a big bear to shake me really really hard. animal or man. until my chip falls out and can be reset. i’m doing fine but i’m balls deep in the lost early-twenties stage of my life rn. but that’s ok bc as soon as i know it i won’t be anymore sooooooo just gonna wait this one out too

[billstellar]

hmmm finding it real hard to pretend the shame and heartache isn’t eating me alive today. the biblical scale of grief bubbling under my surface genuinely terrifies me. but gone pro at transmuting it into a life i have to convince myself i’m proud of when in actuality i’m beginning to realise if i don’t stop sugarcoating the dissonance then it’s going to creep up and suck me dry. redemption was never really ceded, just surrendering over and over again to the violent regime i’m meant to be opposed to. who am i trying to be, what am i trying to understand and if it matters so much, why do i even need to convince myself that it doesn’t. i’m not allowed to hold my own beliefs until i get permission from some sort of higher power or non-existent authority figure. all i really beg for is to just trust myself.

[billstellar]

isnt the world so beautiful....all the little ways we're immortal...71 million years later they still sleep like you

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oh as soon as i posted this i realised it’s definitely also side effects the world and genocide that’s going on and realised how sane i am to be not ok rn actually. i need to start journaling and therapy again probably.

melancholic asf tn. can’t stop thinking about how as a teenager all i ever wanted was what i have right now. a body i’m comfortable in, my own space, a furry friend and a wonderful support network. unfortunately i still feel very depressed lately. it’s really annoying actually, because i’m thinking happy thoughts! most of what i’m thinking is good! and i’m really happy with my life situation rn! but there’s such an overwhelming sense of hypervigilance that’s been shutting me down lately. i think it’s the potential side effects of being in a safe environment for the first time ever? idk. introspection hour i guess.

[billstellar]

melancholic asf tn. can’t stop thinking about how as a teenager all i ever wanted was what i have right now. a body i’m comfortable in, my own space, a furry friend and a wonderful support network. unfortunately i still feel very depressed lately. it’s really annoying actually, because i’m thinking happy thoughts! most of what i’m thinking is good! and i’m really happy with my life situation rn! but there’s such an overwhelming sense of hypervigilance that’s been shutting me down lately. i think it’s the potential side effects of being in a safe environment for the first time ever? idk. introspection hour i guess.

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house study

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Rock bottom

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just hit me how unsuicidal i am. as a matter of fact i love being alive so much that i’m paralysed by a crushing fear of death at all times. the pendulum swings huh

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Milan Pilipović

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[billstellar]

me when my ssris run out and i get the flu on the same day so i accidentally go cold turkey for four days and suddenly feel like i’m 17yo again 😭

victim of our own perception/swag outside ourselves. eat the condition and wash it down with the desire for the unconditional. writing words like they mean something like an artist making art just to be an artist. rebute the scene, reclaim whatever the transmission of identity and hyper-objectivity has become. each time i avoid this non structure another one takes its place. i could crush it into dust and mix it with my skin cells, sprinkled across the idea i have of myself that masks a set of patterns rather than a realised person. none of my limbs are my own. barely even my organs anymore. i don’t love to feed regret but that doesn’t mean it won’t consume me back. i hate writing but sometimes it’s the only thing i can do to understand the foreign tongue my psyche mumbles to me.

[billstellar]

my secret take on AI: i think it’s insane. if it went away i’d be pretty happy but like i think it’s CRAZY. like talking machines. i do think that is crazy. i don’t love it, i don’t think it needed to happen nor needs to continue. but talking robot is nuts. what’s next? talking animals……?????🦭