billybickle

[billybickle]

daily affirmations:

i am kind

i am in control of my emotions

it does not bother me when someone is in the kitchen while i was planning to be in there alone

everyone in the house has the right to be in the kitchen

i am kind and in control of my emotions even when someone is in the kitchen while i was planning to be in there alone

[billybickle]

Tw: suicide

(I am okay, it's just thoughts looking back)

Today marks 10 years since the one I thought was my soulmate committed suicide. It also marks 10 years since I didn't kill myself.

I struggle with what to focus on, the loss and my failure to save them, or how this wonderful life I've created for myself was just one missing key, one locked car door, one closed window away from never existing at all.

I love what I have. What I've surrounded myself with. Who I've surrounded myself with. The good that's stumbled in by happenstance. The bad that's helped me grow.

Call it survivor guilt... But I will always feel that cold feeling of not being able to save them. I need to forgive the girl that couldn't. The woman I've become would forgive just about anyone else for this unforgivable failure.

I'd say to myself, "you were a child. You had no life experience. You were under socialized, pre traumatized, and all around ill-equipped to handle this sort of situation. What if, what if. Four days, four nights, you didn't let them out of your sight. You confiscated their box, that plain white box filled with ammunition. They begged you not to tell anyone, their grandma was in hospice and due to die, their mother couldn't take the stress. They said they were fine. You were asleep standing up, you were so tired. The brain doesn't work properly when you're that tired. Caffeine pills just to keep them in sight. Trips to Walmart at 2 am just to keep their mind occupied. Sleeping in the back of the car, doing everything you thought you could without betraying their trust. It's not your fault they lied to you, knowing you'd believe them. It's not your fault you went home for the first time in days. It's not your fault you went to sleep. You didn't know. How could you have known?"

I still don't think I'd believe the words. And yet I still find love, I still find joy. Today is the only day where I find myself questioning, is this okay, even as I know that it is. Even as I know that this is the best I could do. That my life is nothing short of a miracle. That I've clawed my way to the best case scenario after going through what I did, seeing what I did.

I still squeeze my eyes shut when there's guns on TV. I still hate the sight of brains at Halloween. I still feel my heart stop and my eyes get hot at the sound of certain songs. I still think of them when I see frogs in the rain. It doesn't hurt like it used to, and that makes me sad. It doesn't hurt like it used to, and I find today that June 8th marks a celebration of my own continued life, even as it marks the end of theirs.

[billybickle]

hey do you mind if I have a crush on you...as a friend....

[billybickle]

the secret to organising any kind of trip with your friends is to become the benevolent dictator. do NOT wait for everyone to provide a consensus on things before you book anything. do it and then ask for feedback after. do not ask people what they would like to do just tell them what is happening and let them all nod along like the sheep they are. this is the ONLY way to coordinate a group of adults in their 20s/30s

[billybickle]

[billybickle]

Everybody read Bongchon Bride right now. I am no longer asking

[billybickle]

the type of ship i fuck with the most

[billybickle]

[billybickle]

sub & dub for my fave, bon clay

[billybickle]

Gimme a break!!

[billybickle]

[billybickle]

lets roll up with mama

[billybickle]

at least the colour green exists

[billybickle]

i read CS Lewis’ A Grief Observed one time years ago and i’m still not recovered from it

[billybickle]

without arts & crafts we are in hell