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Regina Hall as Peaches Clarke in King’s Ransom (2005)

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What is “splitting?” 

Splitting comes from the fact that a lot of us view things in black and white (absolute terms). What this means is someone can be so important to us, we idolize them and think they’re perfect. Then they do something (even something small or unintentional) that shatters that image and suddenly we “split” on them, and feel the complete opposite. (Important to note that splitting can also happen randomly for no known reason.) Splitting can also refer to things outside of a person as well because a lot of us view so many things as “good” or “bad” and “black” and “white.” 

Also to note - we can split on ourselves!

How can we deal with splitting?

Practice mindfulness. Here's a post on that that gives methods other than breathing exercises if those don't work for you.

Keep a list of reasons you love your loved ones or value the relationship to read when you need the reminder. Even if this list can’t get rid of the splitting, it might be helpful in reminding yourself not to act on it.

Keep an ongoing list of your accomplishments, things you like about yourself, etc. Things that may offer perspective when you suddenly feel you’re terrible and can’t do anything right.

I recommend looking into Tolerance skills like TIPP, RESISTT and ACCEPTS. to help get through immediate emotional crisis caused by splitting. You can also use urge surfing if you are having urges. We may not be able to stop ourselves from splitting but we can manage how we react to it and prevent ourselves from doing stuff we may regret later.

Use grounding techniques to help calm yourself if needed.

After getting through the immediate emotional crisis, it’s good to take a step back and look at why you’re splitting. Is it something this person has done?  For example, if you split on someone because they constantly lie to you and have lied again, maybe that relationship isn't a good one for you. If you split on someone because they were unable to reply to you when you needed (super valid by the way, we can't necessarily control when we split, this is just an example), then that is something that is not necessarily the other person's fault but is still a valid feeling and you are able to get through this. 

Communication: It's valid if you aren't up to this part, but if you are, communicating with the person in a healthy way can be beneficial. Even if the person hasn't technically done something wrong, it's still valid to communicate with them and can be beneficial in working through it. Sometimes, my partner says something that really upsets me. He doesn't mean to. And he hasn't even said anything wrong. I usually tell him that "hey, I know this isn't rational, but I'm feeling hurt/upset/angry about ___". Sometimes talking about the feeling helps me "release" it if that makes sense, and he can provide reassurance.

Take a break if you need to. Step back, and get some space (while communicating to them that you won't be as responsive. You don't have to tell them why, and can give a general reason if you want). See how that makes you feel. Sometimes taking a step back can help give perspective.

Sometimes it my lack of emotional permanence that causes me to split because I feel like I need reassurance and can't remember it. Check out this post where I give some tips on dealing with that.

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💗 𓂃 ⟡ 💗 𓂃 ⟡ 💗 𓂃 ⟡ 💗 𓂃 ⟡ 💗

💗 𓂃 ⟡ 💗 𓂃 ⟡ 💗 𓂃 ⟡ 💗 𓂃 ⟡ 💗

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I’ve learned to only seek validation from myself. When I live by my own standards, I feel happy and joyful and pleased with my choices. When I live by other people’s standards, thats when regrets or inadequacy or anxiousness enters the premises.

It really just comes down to, like, why wouldn’t my standards for my own life be good enough? What does other peoples wishes have to do with me? I like it, I’m enjoying the process, it makes me excited, I’m not hurting myself or anyone else, I’m not being a nuisance to society, I’m not stepping on anyone to get ahead, so there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be content with living by my own standards. And when I see others out and about, the need to judge them or feel judged by them just disappears. We aren’t living by the same standards because we are not the same. Our lives are different, our needs are different. And that’s perfectly fine.

This goes for how I choose to conduct my life and also simple things like my standards for beauty and appearances.

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Please, don’t settle for a surface level of connection when you know you’re craving depth.

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The more you invest in yourself, the easier life gets.

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Reblog if you're a part of black tumblr & you're 21+.

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she is the blueprint. the prototype. no one could successfully replicate her.

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Bratz Liptunes MP3 Player - 2007

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to the girl who’s going after a new life. a fresh start. just be patient with yourself and your journey. remember that whatever’s meant for you, won’t miss you at all.

believe in God’s plan and timing.

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Lincoln concept 2004

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pinkluxelove

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