bioticdrift

[bioticdrift]

"Voices from the Shadows"

I know this costs $3.00 to rent, and probably most people won’t take the time to watch this…

But if you could, at least, take the time to read what follows:

Recently, one of my friends with ME/CFS committed suicide. His name was Mathieu. He was a young, bright, previously very active 34 year old man that loved life, but couldn’t find any resources or support in relation to ME/CFS; and couldn’t accept the idea of spending the rest of his life stuck in bed, in pain, suffering from multiple environmental sensitivities and cognitive problems (ex: being unable to read a book, or follow the plot of a TV show), among others.

ME/CFS signs and symptoms generally include (source: http://www.hfme.org/themesymptomlist.htm ):

Neurological signs and symptoms: - Inconsistent central nervous system function - Vertigo, disequilibrium and proprioception difficulties (e.g. lack of sense of ‘up’ and ‘down’ with eyes closed) - Temperature dysregulation and poor tolerance for hot or cold environments - Hyperacusis (sensitivity to noise) and photophobia (pain/relapse on exposure to light) - Pain and pressure at the back of the head (where the head meets the neck) and behind the eyes - Blurred vision, blacked-out vision, nystagmus, wavy visual field, and other visual disturbances - Stroke-like or coma-like episodes - Seizures and ‘sensory storms’ (while conscious) - Sleep paralysis, fragmented sleep, difficulty initiating sleep, lack of deep-stage sleep and/or a disrupted circadian rhythm - Many other varied neurological symptoms and abnormalities

Vascular and cardiovascular signs and symptoms: - A very high heart rate, chest pressure, heart pain and a fluttering/straining heart - Very low blood pressure particularly when upright (e.g. 84/48 or less in an adult at rest), orthostatic tachycardia/POTS and reduced circulating blood volume (up to 50%) - Feet burning painfully and turning blue/purple on standing (Reynaud’s phenomenon) - Pain/discomfort/poor digestion following meals

Muscular signs and symptoms: - Muscle weakness and paralysis (affecting all muscles including the heart, eyes, digestive system etc.) - Muscle pain, twitching and uncontrollable spasms - Difficulty breathing and air-hunger, difficulty swallowing/chewing - Paresthesias, polyneuropathy or myoclonus

Cognitive signs and symptoms: - Word-finding difficulty, scanning or disjointed speech, speech reversals, difficulty or an inability to speak - Difficulty comprehending speech or delayed speech comprehension - Handwriting changes, difficulty writing or comprehending text - Difficulty with even basic mathematics (dyscalculia) - Difficulty with simultaneous processing, concentration, spatial perception and with sequencing - Difficulty making new memories, recalling formed memories and with immediate and delayed visual and verbal recall (e.g. facial agnosia). There is often a marked loss in verbal and performance IQ

Other signs and symptoms: - Nausea, vomiting and feeling ‘poisoned’ and very ill - Throat and gland pain/tenderness, chills and low grade fevers - Food allergies, alcohol intolerance, hypoglycaemia and sensitivity to common drugs/chemicals - Ghastly pallor of face with frequent lupus-like submaxillary mask or facial vasculoid rash - Parkinsonian rigidity of facial expression

Etc.

Many general practitioners / family doctors do not know what it is, much less how to treat it. Others argue that this is a somatic symptoms disorder and can be cured with cognitive behavioral therapies as well as graded exercise therapy.

However, most patients usually lead a happy and healthy life prior to falling ill - many of them athletes - and are desperate to return to their prior level of functioning. They still hunger for everything they loved to do! Their bodies simply aren’t following. And they can’t reproduce the same performance from one day to the next if pushed beyond their limits (see here for more details: http://phoenixrising.me/archives/17902 ).

Unlike other chronic diseases like heart failure or systemic lupus where you are referred to a cardiologist or rheumatologist; there aren’t any specialists that those patients can easily be referred to for follow-ups and treatments…

And the very few specialists that will accept to treat or follow patients with ME/CFS are extremely rare. There are only two in Montreal, and they are no longer taking any patients.

Community programs to help with housing when the person is out of work (because they are unable to move from their homes or often their beds; and the insurance companies have stopped paying because they do not believe that the patient’s illness is physiological; but psychosomatic or they are malingering) take too long to relocate us. And the hospitals don’t want to keep us because they can’t find what’s wrong and don’t know how to treat us.

According to Statistics Canada, the estimated number of patients affected is 400 000 (in comparison, there are 150 000 people with multiple sclerosis). Most people start falling ill between age 30 and 50; but there are some children and teenagers who are severely affected, too.

Here are what some professionals who do work with those patients have to say about ME/CFS:

“My H.I.V. patients for the most part are hale and hearty thanks to three decades of intense and excellent research and billions of dollars invested. Many of my C.F.S. patients, on the other hand, are terribly ill and unable to work or participate in the care of their families.

I split my clinical time between the two illnesses, and I can tell you if I had to choose between the two illnesses (in 2009) I would rather have H.I.V. But C.F.S., which impacts a million people in the United States alone, has had a small fraction of the research dollars directed towards it.” —Dr. Nancy Klimas, AIDS and CFS researcher and clinician, University of Miami (“Readers Ask: A Virus Linked to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome,” New York Times, October 15, 2009)

“In my experience, (ME/CFS) is one of the most disabling diseases that I care for, far exceeding HIV disease except for the terminal stages.” —Dr. Daniel Peterson (Introduction to Research and Clinical Conference, Fort Lauderdale, Florida, October 1994; published in JCFS 1995:1:3-4:123-125)

“The whole idea that you can take a disease like this and exercise your way to health is foolishness. It is insane.” —Dr. Paul Cheney, CFS researcher and clinician (comment made at the Invest in ME conference in May 2010)

“Hopefully one day, my dream is that our medical community will produce a formal apology to the patients that—not having believed them all these years—they are facing a real illness.” —Dr. Jose Montoya, CFS researcher and clinician, Stanford University (during a lecture on Chronic Fatigue Syndrome at Stanford University on March 3, 2011)

"We’ve documented, as have others, that the level of functional impairment in people who suffer from CFS is comparable to multiple sclerosis, AIDS, end-stage renal failure, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. The disability is equivalent to that of some well-known, very severe medical conditions.” – Dr. William Reeves, former CDC Chief of Viral Diseases Branch (2006 CDC Press Conference)

“The bad news is we don’t know what causes it or how to treat it successfully. But the good news is that there are now over 4,000 published studies that show underlying biological abnormalities in patients with this illness. It’s not an illness that people can just imagine that they have, and it’s not a psychological illness. In my view, that debate, which has raged for 20 years, should now be over.” – Dr. Anthony Komaroff, CFS clinician and researcher, Harvard Medical School (2006 Press Conference)

“[ME/CFS patients] feels effectively the same every day as an AIDS patient feels two months before death; the only difference is that the symptoms can go on for never-ending decades.” —Prof. Mark Loveless, Head of the AIDS and ME/CFS Clinic at Oregon Health Sciences University (Congressional Briefing 1995)

And most importantly, because I feel this illustrates what Mathieu went through: “Nearly every patient with CFS thinks of suicide at one time or another, but rarely can the impulse be blamed exclusively on mere physical pain and disability. I have discovered that most people learn to tolerate those things, particularly the tough breed of people who live out in the country. Instead, CFS sufferers are driven to suicide by loneliness and self-doubt, which arrive part and parcel with the disease itself. Although they are ill with a debilitating flu-like illness every day of their lives, neighbors and even friends and family insist they look “just fine.” It’s an unfortunate fact that our culture has yet to accept the harsh reality of chronic disease; often, its ravages are invisible to the naked eye. But CFS carries a terrible stigma, the burden of which weighs more heavily on them even than the burdens borne by most victims of chronic disease. The world seems to believe that people with CFS – a population the medical profession has yet to stamp with its imprimatur of “bona fide” – could “snap out of it” if they really wanted to. This utterly false perception of the disease is so widespread that, eventually, most patients with CFS, especially those who become increasingly isolated, have periods when they begin to suspect: ‘maybe I am just crazy.’” —Dr. David Bell, CFS clinician and researcher (Faces of CFS, ebook).

So please, I never beg, but for once in my life I will. Even if you do not watch the movie, share this.

Patients with ME/CFS are clinging to every little bit of hope they can find, and any sign of support you are willing to show might save a life.

[bioticdrift]

bulletspongevanguard LOOK!!!

TO FIGHT REAPERS…WE CREATED REAPERS! MASH UP Still on my Pacific Rim & Mass Effect fan art obsession and based on the idea that if the Citadel Council heeded Shepard’s warning after ME2 and spent the next three years building a plan (Jaegers)  to fight the reapers. Each council race would have their own Jaegers, Systems Alliance’s N7 Jaeger Normandy Omega, the Asari Republic’s Destiny’s Embrace, Turian Hierarchy’s Digeris Theta and the Krogan Aralakh Crimson (Updated). Coming soon will be Jaegers for the Salarian Union, and the Quarian Flotilla. This should be fun! Stay tuned. More will be posted on http://obiruskenobi.wordpress.com or http://rs2studios.deviantart.com

[bioticdrift]

About my current and unexpected hiatus…

Hey guys!

I’m not gone, I’m still here…

I wasn’t planning on this extended hiatus, but since it’s been over a month now (and quite frankly just getting plain ridiculous), I figured that I should definitely stop procrastinating and explain what’s going on.

As some of you know, I struggle with a number of disabling health issues that affect both my ability to accomplish daily tasks, as well as my social life.

[You can skip the part between the brackets if you already know…

Simply put, my body is unable to use the oxygen in my blood to effectively produce cellular energy (ATP); which, in turn, is causing virtually all of my systems to malfunction.

Also, if I use more ATP than available during the day (i.e. do not respect the limits imposed by my body because I’m a stubborn bastard that desperately wants to DO THINGS), I won’t be able to recuperate to the previous level on the next day.

Right now, I operate at about 5% of a normal human being’s capacity (now I just plain sound like EDI).

We believe that the origin of the problem might be autoimmune, and I am followed by a medical researcher in Ottawa, as well as a number of specialists.

Technically, I have to try to avoid doing any task more strenuous than washing my hands while sitting, or interacting with others on the computer during 95 to 99% of the day if I do not want to make my symptoms worse.

Symptoms include: brain fogs, cognitive difficulties, dizziness, nausea, tremors, skin rashes, sleep disturbances, pain, crushing level of fatigue and so forth…

I should also technically limit the time that I spend on cognitive activities (such as reading or writing), because the brain is pretty much one of the largest consumers of ATP (cellular energy) and my reserves are very limited.

But that part is the hardest.  I am a very social beast that has the hardest time being trapped alone at home without wanting to find one way of reaching out into the world.  Lol!  But when I push too hard and do not listen to my symptoms, I do pay for it.]

In July, I created a Pacific Rim roleplay group on a website called “roleplayer.me”.

I had a wonderful time initially, except I discovered that the roleplaying there is very different than what is done here.

Essentially, there is no clear cut between the “mun” and the “muse” over there; and people usually remain in character all of the time.

On Tumblr, when people approach me to roleplay; they are speaking to a writer with the ability to portray Kaidan, EDI, or Raleigh in threads or in storylines.

The vast majority of the roleplayers here are multi-shippers.  They are basically writing stories for their characters.  So if there happens to be a romance in that story; it doesn’t affect or negate any other romance that they might be writing in any other storyline/thread with someone else.

It’s a bit like writing fanfiction.  I can easily write a Wilenko story; and then write another story that is MShenko.  Although they both involve Kaidan, each story exists in its own world, and the incarnation of Kaidan in both stories is a different one.  i.e. The Kaidan that is involved with Ashley Williams, does not live in the same world that the Kaidan that is in love with Shepard.

Duplicates are also typically well loved / tolerated.  Writers love their characters, but they do not own them (unless they are OCs).  And they will be excited to read the writing of other people that roleplay the same character, just like fanfiction writers will be thrilled to read the work of other writers.

The Tumblr RPing community is not perfect.  There are situations of abuse and people letting things go too far.  However, as a rule, I find that the overall approach is healthier, and especially more respectful of the distinction between the writers (a.k.a. roleplayers, muns), and their characters (muses).

On roleplayer.me, when people want to initiate roleplay with you, they typically address themselves directly to the character.

If I’m Raleigh, then I’m Raleigh all of the time - while plotting, in chats, even when sharing things from my personal life.  I reply to people with Raleigh’s personality / attitude, and sign “Raleigh” at the end of my messages.

People typically have a single LI (love interest) that is featured on their main profile.  Having more than one LI is often seen as being essentially “slutty”, disrespectful to your “lover”, and so forth.

A lot of the roleplayers will purposely avoid mirrors / duplicates; and might even be insulted, angry, or hurt if they see you roleplay with the same characters that they are portraying.

This is a very immersive roleplaying style, that sadly seems to create the perfect environment for some to try to take control of other people’s characters, and generate a lot of drama.

And at some point, getting under Raleigh’s skin and losing myself into this character became somewhat addictive to me; because it helped me forget that, when I stop, I’m trapped in my own body and watching others live their lives from the sidelines.

While – on a perfectly rational level – I know that roleplaying is just a game; I eventually became way too invested in Raleigh emotionally, to the exclusion of almost everything else.  Somehow, the lines between reality and fiction became blurred.

And this is quite dangerous; because this can lead to people taking advantage of that.  Sadly, this is exactly what happened. 

Another roleplayer befriended me on that website, and became Raleigh’s exclusive LI.  He totally swept Raleigh off his feet, and bombarded him with love, cuddles, tons of positive reinforcement.  The writer behind his own character was crazy imaginative, also loved my ideas (as much as I expressed interest for his), and we spent countless hours brainstorming and interacting together…

At first, he was in contact with me 7 days/week; often from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed (which I found quite surprising / impressive)… 

And while I never fell “in love” with him (especially considering that I share my real life with the love of my life already), he quickly became a very close and dear friend to me.

The whole thing reminded me a little bit of when I used to be in high school and would spend the whole day with my best friend at school, and then hours and hours on the phone when I got home!

Just the kind of close friendship where you hang out together and constantly speak about whatever is on your mind (even if it makes no sense), geek out…  Sometimes, just watch a movie with the other person on the phone, even if no one is speaking; simply to feel the other’s presence.

Basically, it reminded me of the time where life was still simple, and I thought that I had the whole future ahead of me. 

And, currently living a pretty “sheltered life” where my real life friends are all busy working, traveling, raising their kids, etc.  It was nice to have someone being there.

Except that the moment where Raleigh agreed to share an exclusive relationship with his character, the (ridiculously intense) “honeymoon phase” lasted for about 2 months, and then things started changing…

We got caught in a number of misunderstandings, which he typically blamed on the fact that he was bad at expressing himself through words or talking about his emotions.

Thing is, I actually live with a man that is bad at expressing himself through words and talking about his emotions.  A lot of my friends tend to be people that are bad at expressing themselves through words and talking about their emotions.  And I’m usually pretty comfortable with that.

Except the problem was that those “misunderstandings” were often about things that were suddenly handled as if they were threatening the survival of the whole relationship (both between muns and muses).

The pattern was that I either did or expressed something that was misunderstood, which in turn created a disproportional reaction to what I’d just expressed or tried to say, and the sudden potential collapse of our friendship (or his character’s relationship with Raleigh) became my fault.  So it was my responsibility to justify myself and clear things up before it was too late!

The problem for me wasn’t so much about his so-called inability to communicate, but the fact that I was walking on eggshells to avoid triggering an emotional response that would THEN make it harder for him to communicate.

(In short: It got pretty twisted)

Why bother?  Because things used to be ridiculously good between us, and there was a time where I felt like he could understand me better than anyone else. 

So it’s like you keep trying to figure out what’s happening, and how to return to that point in the friendship / relationship where everything was good and you felt happy, safe and understood around that person.

He also became insecure about Raleigh’s friendship with other characters (ex: Tendo, Mako) – he had admitted to having trust issues to begin with, and I was apparently one of the very few people in his life that he did trust…  Yeah, you see where this is going… – which put me in a position where I constantly felt the need to reassure him that his trust in me wasn’t misplaced.

That roleplayer somehow ended up creating the unspoken belief that “If I was to lose him as Raleigh’s LI – then he would lose interest in being my friend as well.”

His AIM started “eating up my messages” – oddly enough often when we were right in the middle of a conversation that I felt was important; and where his sudden “disappearance” left me feeling insecure that I might have upset him, and he was now gone for good (what if I’d triggered that emotional response I was talking about earlier?).

And the funny thing is, I was raised by a mother with a malignant narcissistic personality disorder, I know about emotional manipulation techniques and I’m usually fairly good at spotting them.

But I still got caught.  Because each time that I felt that “something didn’t add up”, I was so desperate to get back to what I’d experience with him during these two amazing first months, that I would purposely try to find excuses for his behavior – even on a subconscious level – to convince myself that everything was alright.

i.e. That he truly was the wonderful friend that he’d made me believe to be;  because I did care for him, I did trust him, and Raleigh (the character that I’d become deeply invested in) did love him.

And the thing was that he didn’t manipulate like a person with a narcissistic personality disorder would, either.  These weren’t the patterns that I was used to.

I wasn’t used to an emotional manipulator that can fake taking responsibility for his actions in such a way.  I wasn’t used to an emotional manipulator that can show what appears to be genuine empathy for someone.  An emotional manipulator that is not desperate to preserve his image to protect his ego.

The manipulation in this case was not about the pathological need to appear perfect and faultless; to make everyone else around him responsible for his mistakes.  He wasn’t dependent on the victim for what we call “narcissistic supply”.

The manipulation was simply about control and power over the relationship, about dominating someone else for the simple pleasure of watching them trying to reclaim what was there in the beginning.  It’s a power play for the hell of it, nothing else.

The pattern that the whole process followed is extremely close to that one.  Except the romance was always between two characters, not two people.

But the friendship that I built with him through Raleigh was real to me.  So yes, I did “love” that person, and I did care for him deeply.  And it does hurt to realize that the friendship on his side was but a cruel game of power play.

And I do indeed find it troubling that, despite my own personal experience with emotional manipulation and abuse, I have accepted to purposefully keep myself from roleplaying Raleigh with other people for a very long time, for fear that if he saw me writing storylines with others – romance or not – he would “leave Raleigh” and I would “lose my friend”.

He never told me “you can’t roleplay with anyone else”, but each time I did, it seemed that it lead to misunderstandings, so I stopped roleplaying Raleigh with others by myself because I gave priority to the feelings I had for him over other people (and incidentally my own well-being as well).

He suddenly became my sole writing partner for that character.

I find it very troubling that I made sure to keep Raleigh from interacting with anyone else if he wasn’t directly involved (when we were initially part of a larger group), or able to witness every single exchange between the other roleplayer and I.

Usually, when I write, it’s perfectly clear for me when I’m stepping into the fantasy; and when I’m stepping out.  And I don’t get so attached to a character that when the writer is losing interest in the storyline, it feels like the whole friendship (if we’ve become friends) is being threatened; or that I’m going to lose the entire connection that I have with my muse (in this case, Raleigh).

So if you are still reading this, I would suggest that you take a minute to read this post here.  But while doing so, be aware that emotional manipulators are usually very good at hiding their intents, and making you believe that you are doing things because you choose to do them. 

They will rarely tell you directly “you can’t roleplay with others”, but they will find subtle ways to make you feel less (less interesting, less worthy of their time, less loveable, less understanding, less good, etc.) when you do.

A few interactions with you, and they’ll know exactly what to do, what to avoid, and which buttons to push in order to gain power over you.

Other dead giveaways?

If they accuse you of being insecure of paranoid…

If they accuse you of not trusting them…

If they accuse you of trying to find ulterior motives or hidden meanings to their behavior…

It’s a classical emotional manipulation technique (that one I already knew about, thanks mom!). You accuse the victim of acting like they are insecure or suspicious, and their first instinct is going to want to prove (to the manipulator or even themselves) that it is not the case.

So while the victim torture themselves trying to understand what they did wrong that would have made the manipulator feel like they were scrutinized, they aren’t looking at what the manipulator is putting them through, or the means he’s taking to control their thoughts / emotions / behavior.

Of course, someone that points out insecurities in a way that is supportive and non-judgmental is not necessarily a manipulator.  But when they are using said insecurities against you to try to make you feel guilty or wrong, defective, or delusional for experiencing them, it usually is.

So the last month has pretty much been devoted to two things:

1. Preparation, participation, and recovery related to a study project in Ottawa (involving a two days cardio-pulmonary exercise test) that inevitably created a setback in my symptoms, and from which I am still heavily recovering from.

2. Helping Raleigh recover from the abusive relationship that he has just experienced, and taking some emotional distance from the character in order to be able to mourn the friendship that I have lost as well.

Oddly enough, “taking some emotional distance from Raleigh” currently means giving him priority and a lot of attention.  Lol!

I need Raleigh and I to fully return to being our own selves.  I need to be able to love my muse and work with him in a way where he and I share a “headspace” together when we write; but otherwise we remain two different people.

I need to write Raleigh with other people, give him the chance to experience other romances and evolve in an environment where it is safe for him to do so, and where he is respected and loved / cared for.

So the more different people I get the chance to write him with, the more Raleigh feels like his own person to me, and the easier it is for me to accept what happened, and move on from it.

I love Raleigh, I love Pacific Rim, and I can guarantee that I still love the character that this person was portraying like crazy!  Lol!  ;  b

So that’s what I’m doing right now, reclaiming Raleigh, reclaiming my love for that verse, and making sure that what happens remains – in the end – a constructive learning experience.

I still love Kaidan and EDI like crazy, too, and I do not at the moment wish to drop any of my current threads or roleplaying partners for them. 

But it seems that they have currently made themselves “quieter” to allow both Raleigh and I to take care of ourselves, and strike the right balance between us.  Which thankfully seems to be going rather well.

I do not know exactly when I will be ready to permanently resume my roleplaying with Kaidan and EDI.  I might still show up every once in a while to work on one or two replies, too, or post something that is related to them.

I’m just officially calling this a hiatus so that those of you waiting for replies know that I didn’t just “up and leave”, or drop you.

I simply have an oversized puppy (as well as myself, because I have to return to Ottawa for more medical follow ups in June) to take care of right now…

Yeah, I’m talking about you Rals…

Incidentally, I’ll try to remember to log on more frequently to Kaidan and EDI’s accounts to take most of my messages, at least, but it might be easier to reach me on Raleigh’s account right now.

[bioticdrift]

A Message I Really Think Needs to be Heard

I want to take a minute to talk about a serious issue in the RPing community.  It’s an issue that many I don’t think even realize exists. Abusive online relationships. They do happen in the rping community and there are several signs to show when someone might be one you want to look out for. It is a personal issue close to my heart as I know several people who have dealt with it, myself included.

So to try to help those in the future and to keep people wary of those types of people I have made a list of warning signs that you may see in those people who often turn out to be abusive.

First thing is first, not all abuse is physical. So that doesn’t mean that abuse can’t happen in an online setting. There is also emotional abuse and it can be just as damaging to an individual. It is often a form of cyberbullying and it is something that I think needs to be addressed.

So I have compiled a list of warning signs, things that these people often do that you should look out for.

          1.      Telling you that you can only RP with them, or only with their character. Or generally telling you not to RP with someone.

This would be a sign of them being too possessive. Not willing to let you do what you want with your account. Generally RPing is supposed to be fun and about what you want. If you want to have only one of each character or only a few RP partners, that is up to you. But you should never let someone tell you who to RP with or who you can’t RP with. It is not up to them and don’t let them think it is.

          2.      Getting mad or upset with you for not answering them right away or getting upset that you are replying to others and not them.

It’s your character and your account. That is something you should always remember. If your character wants to focus on one or two people. That’s okay. Nobody should make you feel bad for not being able to reply to them at the time for any reason. Whether it is being busy with life or just not feeling up to replying to those threads. Most people will understand and usually don’t pressure you. It’s a bad sign if someone does.

          3.      Being told on a regular basis through messages and in public posts that nobody cares and that everyone in the end always leaves or something along those lines

It is often a sign of someone trying to guilt people into staying or doing things with them. Often times it doesn’t matter if that person receives lots of love or has a lot of threads. They will still make it known that they are feeling upset and that nobody cares. They want people to feel guilty if they think about leaving and it is usually a bad sign. Though some people may make a post like that every once in a while. If you are seeing it often or being constantly reminded personally then be cautious. It is a tactic to guilt people into staying.

          4.      Being threatened or told that if you leave or don’t/do something that they will delete, harm themselves, or something similar.

Another tactic to guilt you into staying. They want you to think that you leaving or doing something they don’t like will harm them, sometimes in physical ways and it is a way to manipulate you into doing what they want. Most of the time they are not being serious and it is a sign that they themselves need help.  Help that you will not be able to provide to them no matter how much you may want to.

          5.      Telling you that you are not any good or that you stopped being good after doing something they told you not to.

They want you to think that you are not good enough to find other RP partners. Bringing you down and making you feel miserable because they are is a tactic often used by these types of people. If you don’t think you are any good then you won’t go seeking other partners for fear that they will think that as well. This is an especially damaging tactic and can cause you to feel worthless and unwanted even after a person is gone.

          6.      Getting yelled at, being attacked, or them being mean for what appears to be no real reason, then a while later apologizing. This will likely happen over and over again.

Most of the time there might not be a real reason for it. Something as simple as you talking to someone they don’t like or you not sending them enough memes or replying. They end up being mean and outright yelling at times. Then they apologize and you might think that you should give them another chance, maybe they changed, and maybe it won’t happen again. But it usually does. Many times and if it continuously happens, there is a point where you need to ask yourself is it really worth it. Because in the end, it is not anything you have done wrong and you don’t need to let yourself be attacked just because they apologize after. One of the biggest signs of abuse.

          7.      Getting annoyed with you for RPing the way you do. (whether it is because you RP with a lot of people or only a few)

If they get mad at you for you RPing how you want to, it is usually a good sign that you should steer clear of them. People like this will try to give you the idea that you are wrong and that you shouldn’t do that. In the end you RP how you want and there is no wrong way to do it. Whether you want to stick to only a few threads or you want 200 and like plotting for more. It’s about what you like. And those that enjoy RPing with you, will be patient and stick with you no matter how you want to do it.

          8.      Being attacked or called names for RPing with other people, and/or attacking your RP partners for RPing with you.

If someone outright attacks you are starts calling you names simply because you RP with others. That is a clear sign that you should avoid that person. This is supposed to be fun and there is no need to be rude to you or others for how you RP. It is especially a red flag if they also attack your RP partners. That means they are being far too possessive and avoiding and blocking would probably be the best idea in that instance.

          9.      (An, its gone too far sign) They make you overly anxious every time you see them or feeling as if you are going to panic if they message you.

If it has gotten so bad that their very presence makes you a big ball of stress or have an anxiety attack, dropping them would be the best option. Nobody should make you feel stressed and anxious when on. If the idea of them messaging you, because you are afraid of what it might say, gives you extreme anxiety. That is the time to drop, block, and do not interact or look for them in any way. It is not okay for someone to cause this.

In general, RPing is supposed to be about fun, you enjoying RPing as your muse and doing what you like to do. It is never going to be okay for others to make you think you are doing it wrong. In the end, there is no wrong way to RP. So don’t let anyone make you think that there is. If someone doesn’t like the way you RP then it is best for them to find someone else. And you should never feel bad if you think you need to drop a RP partner because they are causing you anxiety or anything of the sort. If a RP partner is causing you stress, avoid them. Stress is bad enough in real life, there is no need for people to add to it in RP.

The people that do this, honestly, might not even realize they are being abusive to someone. Maybe they have had their own issues in life and it has molded them into the way they are, but in the end, they need help, but not from you. And there is no way you are going to be able to help them. In the end, they need to realize it themselves and seek help.

These kinds of situations can have long lasting effects on the person who has dealt with it, lingering anxiety or depression, being self-conscious about everything they do, feeling they are not good enough, wanting to avoid their RP account. This is not okay and for those who suffer these issues, you are not alone. Sometimes talking about it can help, whether with a fellow RP partner you trust, or seeking out a friend in real life. Don’t keep it to yourself, because it can make the feelings worse. And even if there are those abusive RP partners out there, there are also those that are very caring and will be willing to listen.

So keep the warning signs in mind and don’t let someone treat you like this. It’s about fun not about them. 

[bioticdrift]

xvacivity

theslowestdrawfag:

imagineyourotp:

 Imagine your OTP slow-dancing to a  love song, with Person A quietly singing the words in  Person B’s ear.

# wishlist;; # ooc;; # { no but guys this is literally all i've wanted } # { she'd sing how 'bout a dance } # { and just uGH } # { if you couldn't tell--i really want jazza to go dancing }

Still taking notes, Ma'am.

[bioticdrift]

(Mun) 1, 3, 5

1. Why did you chose to roleplay Kaidan?

God…  Where to start…

First, for those of you who didn’t know, Kaidan Alenko is actually a “Mass Effect” character that I shamelessly borrowed and adapted to the “Pacific Rim” verse.

In the ME series, he is voiced by Raphael Sbarge, who also voices one of my other favorite videogame characters, Carth Onasi, from the Star Wars RPG “Knights of the Old Republic” (KOTOR).

Simply put, when I started playing “Mass Effect”, at first, Kaidan is not the one that caught my attention.  I fell in love with Garrus Vakarian, and spent a good part of the game mourning the fact that the turian was not a romance option until the second installment.

So I had very little expectations when it came to Kaidan.  Sure, I loved how familiar his voice sounded, and he was a good enough looking fellow.  But - besides being one of the most powerful biotics that humanity has to offer - he kept mostly to himself, offering his opinions in a gentle, assertive, supportive way; and didn’t really seem to “stand out” as much as Shepard’s other companions.

Unlike many of the other people that would connect with Shepard by readily sharing about themselves and seeking Shepard’s support; with Kaidan, the process felt a bit like the opposite.

I suddenly found myself with this guy that gave his opinions on the mission and kept asking questions because he was concerned about Shepard’s own well-being.  And when you get him to share information about himself and his past; it is primarily with the objective of making a point that could help his Commander / friend / potential LI (depending the type of relationship you develop with him) avoid the kind of mistakes he’d either made himself; or seen other people make.

So my character (Shepard) began naturally relying on him, bringing him around on almost every mission, and seeking him out just because I felt that he had a very grounding influence over her.

Kaidan revealed himself as being very insightful, sensitive, honest, rational, and these are all qualities that I respond very well to.  Lol!

And the best thing about him was that I felt he didn’t judge.  You got the feeling that if you made some choices that did end up costing you, he wouldn’t take the “Ha! Told you so!” route; even if he saw it coming.

He’d still be there to support you, no matter what.  Which doesn’t mean following you blinding into something that he’s uncomfortable with, though.  And that’s actually something else that I appreciated about him.  Sure he’s loyal and supportive, but not to the point of compromising who he is or what he stands for.

Simply put, the relationship, friendship or otherwise, felt refreshingly healthy.  Kaidan’s an autonomous adult that makes a point of treating the other people around him as autonomous adults also, while leaving plenty of room for growth and making mistakes.

Plus, he appears to value intents over results.  In the sense that if Kaidan genuinely believes that the intentions behind someone’s actions were noble, he will be able to recognize that; even though had he been in that person’s shoes, he would have acted differently.  He may question the choices that were made, but still see the individual as a good person and these options as valid.

But as tolerant as he is with others, he still carries his own set of scars, and actually has to be reminded on occasion that it’s okay for him to be human, too.  That asking for or receiving support in return doesn’t make him a burden to others.

So from an appearance of initial “generic soldier type” that didn’t really stand out…  Kaidan revealed himself to be one of the most complex, intriguing, original, and endearing companions that “Mass Effect” had to offer.

Unlike Garrus or Thane with whom it was basically “love at first sight”; Kaidan very gradually wormed his way into my heart, and became my all-time “Mass Effect” favorite companion.

So I guess that roleplaying him became an extension of my own interest in getting to know him as much as I possibly could, and establishing ties between us.

The version of Kaidan I built for “Pacific Rim”, of course, does not share the same personal history as the original “Mass Effect” character.  But, as a rule, I’ve tried to stay as close as I possibly could to who he is as an individual.  The values and core personality traits that I felt truly defined him.

There are some aspects of Kaidan’s personality (according to my own interpretation of him) that I strongly connect and even, up to a certain point, identify with.  His sense of personal integrity is one of them.

We are also both in the same age group (I’m 32, same age as Kaidan in ME1), and at a pretty similar point in our lives.  So that makes it very easy for me share the same kind of life philosophy / attitude in some instances.

But otherwise, one of the things I love about him is that we’ve got pretty complementary personality types.

He’s very self-controlled and struggles with putting his emotions into words, I’m very expressive and could talk about my feelings all day.  He’s a rational, I’m an idealist.

He doesn’t open up easily with others, and has trouble making friends…  Tell me “hello” and get ready to hear my whole life story, get a free hug, and for me to be comfortable with pretty much anything you’d have to say.

I’m prone to over-anticipating everything, while he’s the type to deal with issues as they occur.

Etc.

Simply put, I’m an ENFP, and I play him as an INTJ (according to the results I got when I took the test in character).  Lol!

Honestly, I find Kaidan to be probably the most relaxing muse I could ever get to share a headspace with.  Lol!

3. Why did you start roleplaying?

Why did I start?  Well, creating new stories for beloved characters with my friends and then acting them out when I was a child was my favorite type of pastime (I just loved being Luke Skywalker or Prince Charming!  Lol!).

So when internet came along, I guess it became an extension of that.

First roleplaying I did online was about 16 years ago in a RPG based on the movie “The Lost Boys”.  I played an original character, Dwayne, and Grandpa.  Lol!  That was a lot of fun!

5. Do you ever L.A.R.P. (Live Action Role Play)?

Do “creating new stories for beloved characters with my friends, and then acting them out as a child” count?  ;  b  Lol!

Sincerely, I would love to.  Sadly, with ME/CFS I’m barely allowed by my therapists to walk around the house, much less cosplay and/or act.

If I had the time, resources, and physical capacities for it, you can bet that I would totally love to, though.

[bioticdrift]

Kaidan nodded, grateful that the other man no longer looked like he was going to tear his throat wide open.

"Born and bred, more or less.  Dad was military so we moved around a lot depending on where he was stationed," he explained.  "Buy yeah, they had a main apartment in Vancouver, overlooking English Bay.  It got destroyed when Karloff hit the city."

// "SPIT IT OUT!" (Hullo! :3)

Send ‘SPIT IT OUT!’ and I’ll randomly generate a number. Whatever number it is, my muse will blurt it out to you!

9

"I killed your father."

[bioticdrift]

Questions for the Mun and Muse.

Questions for the Mun: (Writer)

1. Why did you chose to roleplay “______” <- insert character here

2. What characters do you roleplay? 

3. Why did you start roleplaying?

4. How long have you been roleplaying? 

5. Do you ever L.A.R.P. (Live Action Role Play)? 

6. Do you have mental conversations with your Muse?

7. What do you think of your muse? 

8. What other characters do you like to interact with the most?

9. What kinds of things do you like to roleplay the most?

10.  Are there any special things you do to get inspiration for your muse? (I.E. music, re-watching episodes, reading fan fiction, playing games, etc etc. )

11. If you met your muse in person, who do you think you two would get along? 

12. What is your favorite roleplay you’ve gotten to do thus far?

13. Honestly, who writes - the Mun for the Muse….or the Muse takes over? 

14. How do you feel about Alternate Universes? 

~~~~~

Questions for the Muse: 

1. What do you think of your Mun? 

2. What is your favorite Adventure you’ve gone on?

3. Which characters are you close to?

4. What do you think of ________? <-insert character here

5. Is there any one you’re in love with?

6.  Do you think you could be friends with your Mun?

7. What is the worst thing you’ve had to do?

8. What is the best thing you’ve had to do?

9. Have you ever been asked anything odd or embarrassing by an anon?

10. What do you think of the Magic Anons?

[bioticdrift]

when you find out someone super quality wants to write with you too

[bioticdrift]

What Raleigh said...  'cause this Hannibal's awesome!

[bioticdrift]

"Well, this isn't exactly my department, Ma'am," Kaidan answered with a small smirk.  If she didn't want to give him her name, fine!  He guessed he'd just have to use an alternative.

"You showed up at about the same time I did," he'd thought it had been pretty obvious considering the fact that he hadn't even had the chance to read the tags yet.  Apparently not.

Then again, those shipments seemed pretty important to the young woman - if you considered how uptight she was being about this.  As much as Kaidan didn't exactly appreciate being dismissed or ordered around, he could understand the notion of having a bad day.

"Look, it's probably not far.  If you have the serial number I can go ask the one in charge.  I'm sure they'll straighten this out."

1;;

     Jazmine stares at the extended hand for a moment, eyebrow arching as she brushes past.

     ”I’m sorry I didn’t realize I asked for your life story.”      Way to go Jazmine, because that’s surely going to make you friends. She exhales slowly, circling the crate with a critical eye—not that she really expects him to have done any damage, but you can never know with these PPDC blockheads. Besides, had the man really been paying any attention, he’d see that the crate was addressed to none other than one Jazmine Becket, PPDC Hong Kong Shatterdome.      ”You didn’t happen to see what they did with the other crate did you? There was another crate, yeah? I swear to God if they fucked this up…”      Well, then maybe the Marshal would see that she didn’t need to be here in Hong Kong and that he should have let her stay in Los Angeles.

[bioticdrift]

But that’s just the thing…  Were you trying to figure them out, too?  Kaidan wondered.  Theory and practice were two different things.  Sure his kids could be told a thousand times what was expected of them; but when actual trials took place the pressure to perform or to prove yourself in the ring could easily overrule all that carefully stacked theoretical baggage.

He couldn’t exactly fault Jared, though.  Pain, frustration, annoyance, or any other emotion that affected a combat was also likely to be met in the drift.  If someone was closed off and instinctively tried to push people off of them and keep others at bay; then chances were that their mind would behave exactly the same way back in the Conn-pod.

So if he truly didn’t feel comfortable or challenged with any of the candidates; if they couldn’t keep up or stir his interest, it simply wouldn’t work.  Kaidan would rather have someone he knew could kick his ass or even outsmart him by his side any day.  Fighting kaiju while overcompensating for a partner for fear that some of your choices might endanger them – because they weren’t ready to take the same kinds of risks – would petrify him.

Kaidan found himself chuckling in return to the other man’s comment.  “Depends what your definition of ‘easy’ is.”  He wasn’t out to floor him or teach him any lesson if that’s what he meant.  But he wasn’t going to underestimate him, and overcompensate for the fatigue either.

The first few strikes were a pretty simple combo that Kaidan didn’t have too much difficulty parrying.  He let it go on for a few moments in order to give his opponent time to get a measure of his speed and reflexes.  After all, he’d been watching him fight all afternoon, so he definitely was at a certain advantage.  Then – when Kaidan had decided that he’d given them enough of a chance to get properly introduced – he gave Jared a small impish smile, lunged for the ground, rolled to the other side of the matt, spun around and tried to sweep his legs from under him with his hanbo.

An eyebrow rose. Oh? Jared stood up a bit straighter as the other spoke. No reason to look lazy while he was talking. He had a little respect still. Jared wiped the sweat from his forehead with his shirt. It exposed his stomach. The shirt was dropped and smoothed back out. He wasn’t as in good of shape as he thought he was.

To be honest, he wasn’t expecting the instructor to actually come out on the mat with him. It did excite him a little. There was an actual chance for the real deal here. “I understand that. They should have been informed on that. Tried to figure me out before we did this.” His eyes watched the other prepare himself for it. 

This was really wearing him out. He shouldn’t have spent all those years off painting his life away. “You’ll go easy on me right?” A smile was on his face as he laughed a little. 

Jared spun the stick in his hand before he moved to an offense position. Maybe it was a little stupid to want to go in like that, but he had a better chance to strike first. It wasn’t about winning, but getting a first strike was always good. There was that chance the instructor would go on the offensive as well though and they’d both be fighting each other. 

He stepped closer to him, but decided to take the first strike. He made contact with the stick and he pulled back before wanting to strike again. It was a quick one-two strike he did next. He didn’t know if the instructor would block it, but deep inside he was hoping the man did. 

[bioticdrift]

"What?" Kaidan answered while taking a better look at large crate that he'd been in the process of examining before the young woman showed up.  He finally took notice of the "biohazard" symbol.  He immediately stepped away from it, and lifted both hands in the air in a "hands off" motion.

"I'm sorry, I just wanted to see where this was supposed to be sent to..." he explained.  He was done with training his students for the day, so he'd thought that it would be a good idea to come see if people needed help with dispatching some of the recent shipments.

He looked at the young woman standing in front of him, frowning a little as he tried to identify who she was.

"I don't believe we've met," he finally stated, extending his hand towards her with a soft, open smile.  "My name's Kaidan Alenko; I got transferred here recently after they started closing the Academy and the other Shatterdomes."

1;;

bioticdrift

[bioticdrift]

I guess I'll have to remember that, then.

{ nah it can be anyone! she’s unusually nice (well, nicer than normal i guess) when she goes dancing. although i can’t guarantee that she won’t poke fun a little. }

[bioticdrift]

"Wait.  What?" Kaidan said, looking a bit flustered and confused.  "I didn’t.  I didn’t mean it this way, I just…"

He let out a heavy sigh; it seemed wires kept getting crossed and words didn’t come out quite right today.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t even realize I said it out loud.” He ran the back of his hand across his forehead and closed his eyes.  “I heard that your parents died in the Shatterdome attack back home; and I guess I felt responsible somehow…”

// "SPIT IT OUT!" (Hullo! :3)

Send ‘SPIT IT OUT!’ and I’ll randomly generate a number. Whatever number it is, my muse will blurt it out to you!

9

"I killed your father."

[bioticdrift]

// "SPIT IT OUT!" (Hullo! :3)

Send ‘SPIT IT OUT!’ and I’ll randomly generate a number. Whatever number it is, my muse will blurt it out to you!

9

"I killed your father."

[bioticdrift]

"Thank you..." Kaidan whispered quietly, mind still a bit reeling from the whole situation.

"I'm sorry, I just...  How?"  He mentally wanted to kick himself for being so blunt, and obviously bad at this.  "I mean, I understand what you said about being an AI, but..."  This really was quite a bit to take in.

"How were you born, or achieved consciousness?  I-if it's not rude to ask, I mean..."  The last thing he wished to do was to hurt or insult her; especially not after her having been so kind to him.

And he guessed that it could make sense that there had been more than just his father and himself involved in that Conn-pod.  Biotic Major had always felt like an extension of themselves; part of who they were.

But this...  This went way beyond anything that he could ever have imagined!  Many people saw Jaegers as mere "machines", or "tools" to achieve an end.  But if the technology had somehow ended up "giving birth" to something more, then they had an even much greater level of responsibility towards what humanity had created.

+bioticdrift

Cherno listened carefully to his words, searching her databases in the back of her mind. He did seem somewhat familiar to her, but in a corporeal, vague way that was reminiscent of something you could barely remember; it must be archived somewhere. Nevertheless, she trawls through her files to find the memory of said Kaiju attack. 

She nods, a soft, sympathetic smile appearing on her face. She knew that pain all too well. Being a Mark-I, she had seen all of her friends come and go and the look on any surviving pilot’s face was an ever growing occurrence. All she could do was sit and tell them they did everything they could while inside…she was pretty sure that emotion was grief.

"I remember…" She nods again, careful with her words. "A loss I will not forget. He…they were heroes…and so are you." There was a touch of sadness in her eyes. Perhaps it was because she had lost a fellow comrade - a fellow Jaeger - that made her so sad. "If you ever need to talk…"