birdmonarch

[birdmonarch]

Do boys know???? How EXHAUSTING it is?????? To be AROUND them??????

Like, I’m here to vent right now. I was the oldest in my house, and the only girl. When I was growing up, I did ALL my work by myself.

And when THEY got to the he I was, when I started doing chores? Well. They were the youngest. They needed HELP.

So I helped them. At 8 years old, I’d clean the entire living room, vacuum, sweep, dust, put away toys, dig in and under the couches. No tv while I worked, because that was distracting. No help, because I had to learn personal responsibility.

When HE was 8 years old? TV on. Zoning out with his mouth hanging open every five minutes with whatever he was picking up in his hand. Refused to sweep. MELTDOWNS over putting toys away. And of COURSE I had to help him, poor little muffin, because he hasn’t been taught HOW.

So of course he shoves everything under the couch and runs off and I HAVE TO FINISH IT, because “you’re the oldest, you have to be responsible.”

Zoom forwards a few years. I tell him, you need to put soap in the sink when you do dishes. The water needs to be warm, or the oil won’t come off. See this? There’s still food stuck on. Here, I’ll show you how.

Do they listen? FUCK no. They all do it wrong and put them away dirty and I HAVE TO DO IT, PLUS ALL THE NEW SHIT.

Okay, fine. Ill do all the dishes forever from now on. Can you PLEASE clean the bathroom, then?

NOPE. Telling me you’re “DONE” with whole ass globs of toothpaste in the sink, because you refuse to listen when I tell you how to brush your teeth, too. Never clean the toilet. Never sweep the floor. Never wipe the counter.

I tell him, “dude, you didn’t do it. Go back and finish it properly.” He says, “I DID, I SWEAR TO GOD, show me ONE THING I MISSED”. And I DO. I show him FIFTY things he missed. I show him how to do it right. I demonstrate. I explain my reasoning. Does he listen? NOPE. IM A HUGE BITCH NITPICKING DETAILS. BOY THERE IS PISS ON THIS FLOOR, THAT IS NO “”“DETAIL”“”.

Fast forwards. I’m living independent, do my laundry, cook dinners, clean my house. HE hasn’t mastered SHAMPOO. Doesn’t clean for SHIT. Doesn’t believe in bedsheets. Thinks pillowcases and clothes that fit are a government conspiracy. Smells like the back end of whatever animal he ate instead of a vegetable this month, because I was full of it when I told him about balanced nutrition, I guess.

Now. NOW. Visiting home, different brother. “Dude I told you three times this week, just toss your work clothes in the basket and I’ll wash them, you smell like ass and I’m sick of you not doing it yourself”. And the ATTITUDE. BUDDY IM TRYING TO PHYSICALLY PULL YOU FROM A BURNING CAR AND YOU WONT EVEN DO ME THE DECENCY OF COOPERATING. WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING ME.

Literally FIVE SECONDS LATER Brother number THREE. “Dude you pissed all over the bathroom seat and didn’t flush I’m gonna need you to get on that”. Nope. Gonna keep playing video games. Wait ten minutes and check again. “DUDE. YOU TURNED THE BATHROOM INTO A PISS N SLIDE. FLUSH AND WIPE. COME ON.”

Go downstairs and find out Dad Dearest has used a can of spray paint indoors. Again. For the sixth fucking time. Overspray on fucking everything. Could not be stopped. Even hid all the cans after round 3. “You’re making a big deal out of nothing”. Oh, the Fuck I am? Eat shit. Grown ass man SPRAYPAINTING INDOORS, NO VENTILATION, NO CIRCULATION, NO MASK, NO OPEN WINDOWS, JUST LETTING THE FUCK LOOSE. OKAY. ALRIGHT. COOL. FUCK BREATHING I GUESS. FURNITURE LOOKS LIKE A BIRD SHAT IN A FAN BUT WHAT THE HELL DO I KNOW RIGHT

I go to work. Sweating my ASS off. Guy Saunters over to check out my ass and asks me when I get off. I GET OFF AT 9 P FUCKIN M ASSHOLE, GET OUT OF MY FACE, I KNOW YOUR ASS IS HOMELESS AND UNEMPLOYED AND YOU GOT A BABY YOU DONT PAY FOR, EAT SHIT. I’m here to pay my bills and earn respect and you see an easy Fuck just WAITING for your mediocre ass to swoop in? The AUDACITY.

Old man numero uno, you know the one that never paid child support when I was growing up? Offers to pick up my mail and fucking LOSES MY TAX RETURN. *AND* MY DRIVER’S LICENCE. Hey no biggie you can just drive me for a while until I get a new one right? SIKE YOU LOST ***YOUR**** LICENCE ON A DUI.

Fuck. FUCK. Girls my age and younger dropping out of school for full-time jobs doing their best to raise babies while Daddy wanders around scratching his balls and bumming cigarettes.

And my Christ, old farmers telling me “as hon, shouldn’t cut your hair so short, gotta give a man something to run his fingers through”. ACTUAL QUOTE. As if I should give a FUCK what some theoretical dream date might PREFER I DO WITH MY BODY when it’s balls hot and I feel like I’m wearing a goddamn fur hat.

Then, “Careful darlin, never gonna get a date with an attitude like that”. YOU FUCKING *PROMISE*, OLD MAN???

Mother FUCKER. You know the real reason I never wanna marry a guy? Why I m so against “settling down and giving you some grandkids”, mom????? BECAUSE IVE BEEN PLAYING MOMMY FOR FIFTEEN GODDAMNED YEARS AND IM *****TIRED***** NOW.

Aw, but don’t I wanna find a nice man? Someone who can tell me to grow my hair out so he can yank it when we have mediocre sex, leave his filthy jeans on the floor of my house and call me a nag when I tell him to do this own goddamn laundry once a week? Boy I can’t wait to get knocked up and spend a while fucking year in various stages of pain and discomfort so I can pop out His Kid keep doing what I already wasted my childhood on. And I can’t even give em my own damn last name

FUCK that. I’m gonna drink tea in a clean house that I paid for myself, and get old doing whatever the hell I want. Dye my hair neon green and paint the walls red, I’m no grown bastard’s fucking Mommy anymore

[birdmonarch]

a live performance of hozier’s from eden (with rain) which he’s been playing at a much slower, softer pace. i really hope he releases a studio/acoustic track of this version soon!! (original audio from here x)

[birdmonarch]

[birdmonarch]

Pooh Bear

I see many Winnie the Poohs at the hospital (aka Winnie aka Pooh aka Pooh Bear), as you may guess.  Many look like this, a bit flat and with small wounds, designed to have a removable shirt:

They come for spas:

New hearts and stuffing:

And plumping up so they have a proper belly again:

Sometimes they look like this:

A bit more loved… or as his person said, in more “desperate condition”.

He also had a spa (not everyone does):

As you may’ve noticed, he needed a new nose and there were several options:

His heart had a pooh on it as well as some magic from a heffalump:

And after a bit of arm and smile surgery, soon he was healthy and ready to fly home:

His person wrote “He looks wonderful!”

The final Pooh I’m going to show you today just flew home yesterday.  He is always called Pooh Bear.  He is 14 years old and showed every year of hugs.  

Here are the photos his person’s mom sent for diagnosis:

As you can see, Pooh Bear was a bit flat and a bit gray.  He came in for a spa:

Got new stuffing and a magical Heffalump heart to preserve a bit of his original stuffing:

And finally was clean and plump and fluffy and ready to fly home:

He could even sit on his own!  His people said his chubbiness was perfect and as I said, he flew home yesterday!

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The Pacific Northwest is fucking Perfect

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Jackpot

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lately i’ve been developing a little horror/fantasy rpg concept in my freetime. here are some classes! i would like to know which one you like the most  ( ◞･౪･)

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full offense but we will rock you by queen is 10000% a gay rights anthem and straight people dont have any rights to the song sorry :/

[birdmonarch]

They’re supposed to eat their lunch w/o getting caught lol

[birdmonarch]

i hope that one day i will finally be ok….i’ll make a cherry pie when it is all over

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Okay so I’m watching my friend’s cats while she’s away and she left me descriptions so I could tell who’s who

They’re pretty accurate 

[birdmonarch]

Stan Lee has said that unlike other heros wearing a mask to only hide their identity, Peter wears one partially so his enemies can’t see when he’s afraid and that honestly makes me cry

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this is the best one

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My top three feminist exploitations of male-default language. (Insp)

[birdmonarch]

It’s so unfair that the women who led the Temperance movement (which led to alcohol prohibition in the 1920s in the US) are painted as these joyless prudish nags who hated when others had fun, when really their issue was the fact that male failure to responsibly consume alcohol led to the rape, neglect, battery, and murder of their wives and children. They couldn’t stop male violence, but they did what they could to stop what exacerbated it. 

[birdmonarch]

Vogue Actually Printed This Crazy Diet In The 1970s