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i go back in time and show mary shelley a box of franken berry cereal and she is so thrilled by it that she kisses me on the lips

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Might fuck around and annotate some classical literature with notes just a little too cryptic and a tad personal, only to donate it to a used book store in the hopes of someone picking it up and slowly falling in love with me through my writing, left to wonder who was the stranger who poured their heart into this writing.

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this might be my favorite dan picture ever

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Disney peaked with the Emperor’s New Groove

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man y'all could not suck disney's dick any harder

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undefined

❤️

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Soulmate friendships are indeed very real

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everything will fall into place and then most of it will disappear. we are playing tetris

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sir that’s my emotional support stranger’s shopping list i found in a secondhand book

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i am indifferent towards your shoelaces

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greg rucka is wrong about how old andy is and here’s why

Greg Rucka, author of both The Old Guard comics and the screenplay, claims Andy is 6,000 years old. Charlize Theron and other members of the movie’s creative team have repeated the number, although it’s not stated in the movie itself–when questioned, Andy just says she’s “too old” and Booker tells Nile that Andy’s forgotten.

Now, besides the fact that 6,000 is a patently ridiculous age, even for someone who can’t die, me and my twelve Wikipedia articles would beg to differ on the historical accuracy of Andy being quite that old. (Keep in mind, though, that I haven’t read the comics. I’m going off of this official timeline video–which does include some comic panels–and the brief flashbacks we get in the movie.)

First of all, if Andy’s 6,000 years old, that puts her date of birth around 4000 BCE

the Scythian cultures did not exist in 4000 BCE

the cultures that would become the Scythian cultures did not exist in 4000 BCE

in 4000 BCE, Mesopotamian civilization was just getting started, the Indus River Valley civilization had yet to invent writing, and the hot new invention was the pottery wheel, although nobody had figured out how to turn that sideways to make a vehicle yet

more importantly, horses had not been domesticated (okay, technically 4000 BCE is the oldest proposed date for the domestication of horses, but there’s much stronger evidence supporting domestication closer to 2000 BCE)

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO BE A HORSELORD RAIDER SWEEPING ACROSS THE STEPPE IF HORSES HADN’T BEEN DOMESTICATED YET

Andy’s also shown in comic panels using stirrups at this time, which wouldn’t come into widespread use until the 3rd century CE in China, but whatever

my point is

if Andy’s old enough to be a Proto-Indo-European

why is her name Andromache the Scythian

Classical Scythian culture reached its height between 700-300 BCE

by that point, Andy would have been 3,300 years old already

she found Quynh in 1000 BCE

yet in flashbacks Quynh calls her Andromache, a name she had to have acquired after they met

heck, Andy calls herself Andromache the Scythian, and continues to do so for the next 3,000-ish years

what would have been so great about those few centuries in Scythia that that’s the name and title Andy chooses to go with over her birth-name or any other approximation of it or where she’s from

there’s absolutely no reason for her to

except that Greg Rucka did approximately zero research when deciding this

well, that’s not true. he did enough to know that the Scythians were the inspiration for the Amazons in Ancient Greek writing. Andy is clearly THE Amazon archetype

yet he somehow decided that making Andy contemporary with ANCIENT SUMERIA was just totally fine???

Anyway, I have taken my hammer (and my sixteen Wikipedia articles) and fixed the canon. You’re welcome, Mr. Rucka.

I said above that the height of Classical Scythian culture was from 700-300 BCE. this is true for the tribes that came to dominate the Pontic steppe, between the Black Sea and the Caspian Sea

but there were other groups of similar cultures that stretched across the whole Eurasian steppe

contemporary Greek and Persian writers lumped them all together under one name

modern scholars still refer to them collectively as Scythian cultures (despite some confusion in the literature as a result)

these various cultures flourished from 900 BCE to 200 CE

so Andy becomes immortal around 900 BCE

she’s almost 3,000 years old. that’s still way older than anyone else in the Old Guard

Quynh becomes immortal around 500 BCE. She’s likely a member of the Yue kingdom in what is now southern China/northern Vietnam (purely my headcanon, though–other people feel free to imagine differently). Andy has been completely alone for 400 years.

it takes a century for Andy to find Quynh, so about 400 BCE. This is during the Warring States Period in China, a time of such prolonged conflict that it would make sense for Quynh to have given in to despair (again this bit is pure headcanon).

that gives them plenty of time to meet up with Lykon when he becomes immortal in 331 BCE, and the rest of the canon timeline can proceed from there without making me implode

i hope you like it

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kumail: i really do want, on our show, for real, for my character and gilfoyle to finally hook up. because i think there’s a lot of underlying sexual tension. i just want it to happen!

thomas: it’s just a swingers party with you and gilfoyle and me and jared.

kumail: well what happens is, when you and jared make love, it’s full of love, when martin and i would, it would be like hate. but we would have a great time.

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Another hug ❤️