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Tama na hilak xy :((

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This is the loneliest Christmas so far

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Today was supposed to be our anniversary ☹️

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Pin

0122

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What a lonely soul

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Resomates with me so much

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To live with grief

To live with grief is to smile a few seconds after killing yourself. To laugh at a video of you and your dead friend's old hang out. To look up at the sky every once and a while and miss your father and wonder if he's with your childhood dogs.

As a child, I have always been alone. For a very long time I've grown accustomed to it, I have grown comfortable on my own company. But as I grew up, the comfort of solitude turned to poison - intoxicating me slowly as years go by and then one day i find myself sitting at the edge of my own life... Should I jump off?

I have never truly been happy being alone, I just learned to accept it. I was always told I'll be alone for the rest of my life. One wrong move and suddenly they tell me "You're a bad child, nobody will love you." "Everyone will leave you because of your attitude." "You don't deserve to be happy." so on and so forth... I don't blame them, I'm pretty sure I was at fault too that's why they let those out of their mouths. But is it true? Will I never deserve love and happiness because of how horrible I am?

Sometimes I punish myself so much for it. I starve, I lock myself up, I bleed, and to some extent - I kill. I wondered if my death would be enough apology to them. Would my corpse be enough as "sorry"? I know I'm not the best daughter, grand-daughter, cousin, niece, and friend to have - but I really tried to be. So would my disappearance be enough punishment to my soul?

I was always alone and I tried to make peace with that fact. Up until now I still am. I was one of those kids who's left alone at their house, I learned to make food because sometimes I get hungry and nobody was there to make me food. Sometimes I stare at the sky and wonder what it feels like to fly. So I grab my huge blanket and pretend it's my wings and run around the house, giggling with my dogs, who've now all passed away.

I do have friends I can count on but I don't want to bother them with my loneliness. A friend said I was too gloomy and I never forgot about it. Was my sadness getting out of hand? Is it affecting them negatively? I hope not. I'm probably overflowing of pain that it'd become hard to conceal. I should try harder to hide it.

Often I wish I wasn't so sad. I wish I was productive. The kind of girl who spreads laughter, the girl who could lift you up just with her presence, the girl who makes anybody smile just by her laughter. i wish I wasn't a sad girl. So when it gets difficult for me to hide it, I hide myself. I isolate. Because that's how it's always been, I was always alone... Isn't that the reason why I'm a sad girl in the first place?

Sometimes I wish there's someone who'd understand... but I guess nobody ever will, so it's best to just stay silent and leave, right?

I really tried... but maybe I already tried hard enough. I should give it a rest, right?

After all, I've been too lonely for so long now.

I'm sorry for those people I'll leave behind who'll have to live with the grief I carried.

But to live with grief, is to accept that there's nothing you can do but to let go.

-XSU

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My family really has no idea Im attempting suicide rn

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And if tomorrow (or later) I don’t wake up, just know I’m thankful for having lived until today…

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This year has made me stronger

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Teaching my little cousins (not so little anymore ☹️) never be afraid of trying new things. Always telling them to value their education kay diskarte is better with diploma. And baby-ing them, making sure they’re well-fed and can have fun when they’re with me 🩷

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never look under my watch

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my wrist is so ugly now

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Love is not so fragile

Lately, I've been caught up in a ridiculous dilemma - a love dilemma. Have you ever had someone who claims they love you and yet they can't love you enough to treat you right? You tell them what to do, how to treat you - give them a step-by-step tutorial on what ways you feel loved the most, LITERALLY teach them how to love you, or at least, become a better partner for you.

Yet they still can't do it. I understand people have different ways of showing their love, that we all grew up in different households so our ways of loving will vary. But this guy, he shows no love at all... Sure he loves me, or so he says, and yet I sometimes wonder if I'm blind and ungrateful because I do not see the love he tells me he feels for me.

He would hate me so much and yet tell me he doesn't. I feel trapped in his arm but his embrace are the warmest of them all. It's as if I'm intoxicated to only want him, to only choose him. But I would be stupid if I choose someone who has no problem of letting me go in a heartbeat if he wishes to, right?

One minute he wants me gone, and an hour would pass he comes back again saying he regrets letting go of me, wishing for me to return... but if he loved me, he wouldn't have done this a lot of times...right?

I am so confused...

Should I just stay away from him or not?

But if I'll go, I should never come back... and I'm scared I don't have enough courage to never look back again. To push forward without ever craving his warmth again...

He was the only person I could show my bare soul to - something I could never do to anyone... and somehow I regret ever letting him know me deeper than he should.

Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy but if life is tough for him he'd drop me without further ado for his sake. And I, on the other hand, would drop everything for him...

There are people who can treat me right, they offer me love and show me the kind of love I want to receive. However, this guy was like that in the beginning too. It's scary to risk again when you know a lot is at stake...

So if you open up and show the kind of love you like (not that you don't appreciate their way, but it's just that there's a different way that works best for you), they would try to show that, instead of just letting you go, right?

I mean love is not fragile, after all...

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my dearest online diary,

I will write in full detail about my whole life this year later when I get the chance. love ya!

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I wish my life was a little different

I'm so tired of everything. and I envy those people my age who are blessed with statuses and born wealthy. I wish I was like them too...

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putangina

tanginang buhay talaga to ywa bushit aaaaagghhgghghhggh