bittersweetthoughts--ofinsanity

[bittersweetthoughts--ofinsanity]

Virginia Woolf, The Waves

[bittersweetthoughts--ofinsanity]

my sweet spring child,

you’ll love again… and again and again. you’ll learn to love others and to love yourself and with every time you fail at it, you’ll find it im yourself to love better and harder. you’ll learn how to feel loved, how to accept it from others, how to grasp that very concept. you’ll experience a domestic side of love, an adventurous heart-racing side of love, a tumultuous side of love, a soul-crashing side of love, and a side you can’t put into words but which makes you feel like life is worth living. you’ll love when you wake up and when you go to sleep, you’ll love in mundane ways and you’ll love in great gestures, you’ll love in future plans and you’ll love in days counted down, you’ll love skin to skin and you’ll love an ocean apart. If there’s anything you can be certain of, my wild little soul, is that you’ll love, so much so that it’ll feel like it’s the sole purpose of your existence.

~ a little something i wrote to myself when i couldn’t stop thinking i would never fall in love again ~

[bittersweetthoughts--ofinsanity]

it’s insane how in these past years english has become more familiar and comfortable to me that my own native tongue, i feel like i can express a world of things in english i can’t even think about properly in spanish. And when i think about it it has so much to do with the fact that people on the internet have validated my struggles and helped me give them a name while people in my real life have forced me to suppress them and forget about them.

“you can’t forget your mother tongue” okay but have you considered bilinguals and polyglots whose first language isn’t english and whose development during adolescence was shaped by consuming content and media only in english and have ever since viewed that second language, foreign to their own, as a better outlet for their emotions and thoughts? as Yiyun Li said “it is hard to feel in an adopted language, yet impossible in my native language.”

[bittersweetthoughts--ofinsanity]

That day i woke up at around 5am. I tried to go back to sleep on several occasions but i seemed to have lost the window of opportunity to just drift off immediately after waking up. So in an attempt to give my chaotic mind something to be occupied with i walked downstairs to make myself a cup of coffee. I hadn’t been awake that early in a very long time, i’d dare to say around a year or so. There wasn’t much light yet, a rosy tint painted the walls and cabinets of the kitchen, part of the sky was still a dark shade of blue. I made myself a coffee with two capsules instead of one and decided to heat it up in the microwave instead of taking it cold like i usually do. It wasn’t even that cold outside, i realized once i walked back upstairs and grabbed a sweatshirt to put on, i guess all i needed was comfort. But, as i sat down on my bed, with my warm strong coffee in hand, my hood up and the covers over my legs i realized how bizarre the situation was. Nothing felt real and for a short moment while i started reading my book i felt something i hadn’t felt in what seemed like an eternity, a blissful silence surrounded me, it seemed too early even for birds to be fully awake, light was a bit more present but still scarce, i was warm, comfortable and surreally content. There might’ve been nothing extraordinary about the situation to others, but to me it felt like i was myself once again after countless months of not being it. Intense peace filled me, a sort that i didn’t even get at late hours of the night anymore. It was so easy to pretend i was someone else, in some place else, alone, happy, free. But eventually my cup was empty, light had finally fully arrived, birds chirped and my eyes got tired of reading. The felling hadn’t dissipated yet, it was still a beautiful thing to lay down and close my eyes, still soaked in this ethereal state. I only realized i fell asleep once i woke up. I don’t believe i’ve been so heartbroken before. Everything was back to normal, loud noises surrounded me, people awake and walking around, doors opening and closing, chatter loudly filling the spaces, my room so bright it made me squint my eyes, breakfast ready downstairs and my presence requested at once. Everything was back to normal, to how it’s been for too long now, everything was painfully real. Walking into the same kitchen that looked so beautiful mere hours ago hit me like a train, i lost all appetite and barely ate. There was just one capsule left, so i drank a soft coffee with cold milk. I slowly started to realize the moment wouldn’t come back again, not even if i repeated every action the next morning, it was gone forever and the version of me i strived to be was gone with it as well. Sometimes i still wonder if i would’ve lost that moment had i not fallen asleep, or if that would’ve made it even more painful forcing me to see it die down slowly.

[bittersweetthoughts--ofinsanity]

“Stain every page, stain every song i sing, every word i say, bloody drops,

let them know your scarlet heat, let them glisten,

saturate them with yourself all ashamed and wet,

glow upon all i have written or shall write, bleeding drops”

-Walt Whitman (trickle drops, calamus, leaves of grass)

[bittersweetthoughts--ofinsanity]

depressed, what time is this over?

hi my name is stress

[bittersweetthoughts--ofinsanity]

you wanna know what the best part about being depressed AND dark academia is? you can decide to dwell on sadness but not only that, you can sit down and read Sylvia Plath poems while crying... you still are dwelling on sadness but you sure are doing it on a very glamorous and pretentious way :)

[bittersweetthoughts--ofinsanity]

Ocean Vuong, "Thanksgiving 2006" from Night Sky with Exit Wounds

[bittersweetthoughts--ofinsanity]

im laughing SO hard

Instead of saying motherfucker you can just say Oedipus

[bittersweetthoughts--ofinsanity]

Y’all remember places and things and preople???

y’all remember places? y’all remember places and things?

[bittersweetthoughts--ofinsanity]

are all us dark academia folk excited for autumn and winter since we can finally wear our best outfits 

[bittersweetthoughts--ofinsanity]

You know what is hot??

A passion for knowlege and learning

[bittersweetthoughts--ofinsanity]

Im going fucking feral

So I found this cool website for learning ancient languages

go wild

[bittersweetthoughts--ofinsanity]

And that’s on the biggest flex

I might not have “brain cells” like classic authors and ancient philosophers but at least I respect women

[bittersweetthoughts--ofinsanity]

23.12.19 Manchester

“The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.” - Oscar Wilde

[bittersweetthoughts--ofinsanity]

“Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.”

— Fyodor Dosteovsky, Crime and Punishment (source)

[bittersweetthoughts--ofinsanity]

And in my dust like insignificance,

in my irreverence and lack of sense

I host universes, im in constant motion

I hold power many dream of understanding

I break boundaries of logic and physics

I dive into the minds of others

and live through the eyes of others.

A beautiful, ethereal and heartbreaking way to be alive