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i wish this was us...

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In 10 years time, I may have forgotten your face, your voice and your laugh,

I may end up forgetting the way you smiled and your adorable ears that stick out.

I may just forget your goofy glasses or those cute little button-up shirts you wear,

I may not even remember the affection in your voice when you spoke about your mum.

I may not remember much about you in ten years time,

But I’ll surely remember the way you made me feel.

The way just the thought of seeing you made my heart beat faster like it was running to catch you,

The way your softness and gentleness led me to fall for someone I would’ve never looked twice at.

The way I would sob in heartache then shine with adoration for someone who was never mine,

The way I fell so deeply for someone who was meant to just be my teacher but i fell in love with.

It may not be real to everyone else,

But it sure is real to me

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January TC Challenge Part 3

Day 18: Do you know of anything they do outside of work? What do they enjoy doing in their free time? 

well the only thing i know for sure is that he likes to read mangas and that he tries to visit a museum or exhibition once per month (often in another city and he travels per train)

Day 19: What goes on for you when you see them? How does your body react? 

i get really giggly and can‘t stop smiling. during online class i have to concentrate really strongly to not smile all the time and my friend (she knows about my crush) always tells me that i have a cute look when he talks.

Day 20: What have you done, or what would you do, to spend more time with them? Join a club/sport they’re in charge of? Sign up for an extra class they teach? 

well as said before i will work with him from april to december, so maybe then i will be able to spend more time with him. other than that, i would probably sign up for extra classes, but only if it‘s also a topic that interests me.

Day 21: How often do you dream about them? What do the dreams usually consist of? 

i often daydream about him. i imagine us talking about different academic topics, reading books together, watching netflix, going for walks in the forest, cuddling, going to museums to ramble about how we interpret the art...

Day 22: What’s a little detail you’ve noticed about them that you aren’t even sure they’re aware of? Do the run their hand through their hair often? Do they subconsciously bite their lip? 

he has specific words and a unique writing style that i love. i also really love the mini dent he has on his forehead.

Day 23: If they weren’t a teacher, what do you think they should be? 

hmm maybe working in a museum.

Day 24: Do you think other people in your school may have feelings towards them too? Why? 

i know that a lot of people like him, so the possibility is definitely there that other people also have feelings but i don‘t really know.

Day 25: What are their classes like? Do they talk a lot? Is it mostly independent work? Are there a lot of notes? 

independent work mixed with discussion rounds.

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At first, I thought my crush on you was a passing interest,

An infatuation that was bound to fizzle out before long.

4 years later, you’re still like fire to my soul,

And you’re always the petrol that ignites my dreams

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Something like that

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Day 17: If you had to pick one feature about them, physical or personality, what would be your favorite?

It‘s my birthdayy today!!! :D And because 17 is my lucky number, i wanted to answer this question seperately. Now onto the answer:

Well it‘s a really hard question. I really like his mind. Like the things he talks about in class and the way he explains them to us students. But he also has this really really cute small dent on his forehead which i love and find myself staring at during online classes.

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January TC Challenge Part 2

Day 8: Is there something that tends to remind you of them? Like a sport, food, animal, etc…?

Uh yes, i have a spotify playlist of songs that reminds me of him. Also everytime i look at the moon i think about him.

Day 9: Do you have a memory you are particularly fond of with your TC? Any cute stories? 

In December i asked for some extra reading because his topic is so so interesting and he told me that he likes the stuff i say in his class and that he noticed me.

Day 10: Have you ever touched your TC? Like a hug or a brush of the hand?

Nope, because Coronaaaa :( but even if we weren‘t in a pandemic right now i don‘t know if i would touch/hug them because i would be to afraid to be inappropriate... (we‘re both adults but still)

Day 11: How often do you talk to them? Do you talk to them outside of school?

Not that often because i‘m too afraid to annoy him. But we will talk more often soon (i hope) when i’ll start working for him.

Day 12: Have you ever had any previous TC’s? What were they like?

Nope, i never romantically liked a professor/teacher before. He‘s my first. To be honest, i never understood people who crush on their professors but now i‘m one of them (lol)

Day 13: If it were to happen, how do you imagine the perfect kiss going down with your TC? If by chance you have kissed your TC, how did it happen?

—will answer this later when i have more time—

Day 14: Do you truly believe there is a chance that they’re interested in you? Has anyone else pointed out that maybe you’re special to you’re TC? 

It‘s too soon to say but i don‘t think so. I also want to be friends with him first and i need to see him in person multiple times to feel if there could be chemistry. From the age point of view it could be possible, he‘s just 10 years older than me. (But if it would happen then i would have to show him this account and i think that will be super duper weird)

Day 15: Have you ever gotten them a gift? If so, what was it?

No, net yet. But i want to write him a letter someday to thank him for all the positive change he brought into my life (he really changed me so much and he doesn‘t even know)

Day 16: If you’re in their class, what are your grades like?

I‘m in his class but it‘s one where i don‘t need grades, you just have to participate in class. And i‘m doing very good i guess.

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January TC Challenge Part 1

Day 1: Happy New Year! Any hopes for the new year? (TC or non TC related?)

Non TC related: that Corona will hopefully be over soon, stop biting my nails, getting my finances in order, (finally) going to therapy

TC related: starting to work for him at my/our university, doing research for and with him, getting to know more about him (but not in a creepy way, just casual conversation etc)

Day 2: Do you have any nicknames/codenames that you call your TC? Do they have any they call you?

Nope and nope. But it‘s fine that way, i‘m not really a fan of nicknames, at least not in this situation.

Day 3: Describe the moment you knew they were more than just another teacher.

Hmm. Hard question. I just slipped into it, there isn‘t one particular situation where i knew that he was more. It was his laugh, his silly humour, the way he explained things, the passion he has for his topic, his cute little face and fluffy hair, his thoughts about how people and society should be, the books he recommended, the way he talks, his cute chin, and so many little things i can even put into words 🥰

Day 4: Do they decorate their classroom much? What does it look like?

As he‘s my uni professor, he doesn‘t have his own class room. But i know that his office (from the videocalls bc corona) has a GIANT bookcase and i hope that one day, when i‘m able to visit him there in person, i can look at his books.

Day 5: What’s the age gap? Did you ever think you would fall for someone that much older? Are you comfortable with the age gap?

10 years. I‘m okay with it. Although it‘s the first time that i fell for someone older than me, i usually stay in my age group or go for younger people. 10 years is still pretty possible to actually accomplish but i‘m also a little scared that he finds me too childish and immature... (i‘m 23 on paper but only on paper)

Day 6: Describe the first time you saw/met them. How did you meet? What was it like? Were you automatically attracted or did it take some time?

The first time i met him was in winter 2019. i found him cute and liked his topic but nothing more and i eventually forgot about him. Then in November 2020 i met him again (online classes) and it took me 1 or 2 weeks and then i fell for him.

Day 7: Do you plan on keeping contact with your TC after graduation? How do you plan on doing it? If you’re graduated, have you kept in contact? How have you managed that?

As i will (probably) graduate in 2023 i still have a lot of time left. So i don‘t know in what situation we will be. But i hope that we‘ll be on good terms (maybe even friends??) and that i can stay in contact with him.

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January TC Challenge

I didn’t see a blank template of one, so I typed one up using @tc-lovins January TC Challenge (not sure if this is theirs originally but credit goes to the owner).

Day 1:Happy New Year! Any hopes for the new year? (TC or non TC related?)

Day 2: Do you have any nicknames/codenames that you call your TC? Do they have any they call you?

Day 3: Describe the moment you knew they were more than just another teacher.

Day 4: Do they decorate their classroom much? What does it look like?

Day 5: What’s the age gap? Did you ever think you would fall for someone that much older? Are you comfortable with the age gap?

Day 6: Describe the first time you saw/met them. How did you meet? What was it like? Were you automatically attracted or did it take some time?

Day 7: Do you plan on keeping contact with your TC after graduation? How do you plan on doing it? If you’re graduated, have you kept in contact? How have you managed that?

Day 8: Is there something that tends to remind you of them? Like a sport, food, animal, etc…?

Day 9: Do you have a memory you are particularly fond of with your TC? Any cute stories? 

Day 10: Have you ever touched your TC? Like a hug or a brush of the hand? 

Day 11: How often do you talk to them? Do you talk to them outside of school? 

Day 12: Have you ever had any previous TC’s? What were they like? 

Day 13: If it were to happen, how do you imagine the perfect kiss going down with your TC? If by chance you have kissed your TC, how did it happen?

Day 14: Do you truly believe there is a chance that they’re interested in you? Has anyone else pointed out that maybe you’re special to you’re TC? 

Day 15: Have you ever gotten them a gift? If so, what was it?

Day 16: If you’re in their class, what are your grades like?

Day 17: If you had to pick one feature about them, physical or personality, what would be your favorite?

Day 18: Do you know of anything they do outside of work? What do they enjoy doing in their free time? 

Day 19: What goes on for you when you see them? How does your body react? 

Day 20: What have you done, or what would you do, to spend more time with them? Join a club/sport they’re in charge of? Sign up for an extra class they teach? 

Day 21: How often do you dream about them? What do the dreams usually consist of? 

Day 22: What’s a little detail you’ve noticed about them that you aren’t even sure they’re aware of? Do the run their hand through their hair often? Do they subconsciously bite their lip? 

Day 23: If they weren’t a teacher, what do you think they should be? 

Day 24: Do you think other people in your school may have feelings towards them too? Why? 

Day 25: What are their classes like? Do they talk a lot? Is it mostly independent work? Are there a lot of notes? 

Day 26: How would you describe their personality?

Day 27: What’s the weirdest thing they’ve ever worn?

Day 28: What’s something you don’t quite fancy about them? A quirk you find odd? A physical trait that you aren’t a fan of?

Day 29: How long have you had a crush on them?

Day 30: Write a poem (short or long) about your TC.

Day 31: Do you have anyone in your life who knows about your TC? Anyone you can talk to?

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The states of having a TC

Denying and fighting against your feelings

Happiness all over, you can’t stop smiling and the whole world turns into a better place

Daydreaming so hard that you nearly believe there is a little chance he could like you, too

Realizing that nothing will ever happen

Ending up in depression

Starting the whole thing again

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“Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen.”

~Leonardo da Vinci

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little ways to change your life:

learn how to write a new style of handwriting. try wearing your hair or makeup differently. find a new perfume you like.

do things for yourself, not for the validation of others. resist the temptation to post everything online.

start doing something you usually can't be bothered to do. like making your bed, folding everything neatly, stretching every hour, going on jogs, making a healthy meal from scratch or sleeping earlier.

make your surroundings as cozy and as pleasing for you to look at as possible.

bake delicious but sometimes deformed pastries. write things that no one "gets". wear clothes and hairstyles that make u happy. crotchet a sock badly. draw a picture that won't be aesthetic on instagram. let go of the perfect image of who you need to be. do things for yourself.

be messy. self-expression isn't always pretty. scribble messily in a notebook. draw messily an idea for a character. write a messy draft for a story.

learn your thing from scratch, whether it's astronomy, greek mythology, flower species, piano, japanese, making jam, drawing comics, or something completely different.

let yourself fully enjoy everyday things like food, commute, and your morning routines. slow down and notice every single thing that makes you feel nice.

appreciate nature, like the sunlight streaming through in the morning, the sound of rain, and the colors of sunsets.

notice the deeper meanings and emotions in songs, poetry and paintings.

let people in. give new loves and friendships a chance. initiate conversations when you want.

read as much as you can. read different genres, popular and unpopular books, classics and new releases. give every book that catches your eye a chance.

enjoy your solitude like you're a character in a movie. if you can, go out for walks alone. visit the park to look at dogs, a café to people-watch, or a library to spend the afternoon buried in a book. bring a journal everywhere with you, and write poetry and quotes and doodles.

collect little things, like vinyls, pretty rocks and shells, stuffed animals, whatever makes you happy.

find a sport you like. pretend you're a superhero. dance like no one's watching. swim like you're a mermaid. exercise is supposed to be fun, so find one that you like.

make self care a priority. this includes taking your meds on time, starting to study for a test after procrastinating for weeks, deleting things that trigger negative emotions, and knowing when to let go and ask for help.

distance yourself from sources of negativity. learn to be ok on your own. know your worth and boundaries.

let go of the past. forgive yourself for the things you regret and start again.

let go of old relationships. there's a difference between missing someone and wanting them back in your life.

let go of your need to be perfect. it does more harm than good.

never compare yourself. it will always feel like a losing battle, no matter how amazing you really are.

keep in touch with people you don't speak to much. even a message can brighten someone's day.

be kind to everyone you meet, even strangers. if someone makes you happy, make them happier. compliment often, and be less judgemental. give someone a smile, you never know how much it means to them.

wake up earlier in the morning. wake up with the sun and fall asleep with the moon.

if you want to be calmer and more productive, remove things on your phone and social media apps that you don't need. (which is most of them).

make a list of qualities in the person you dream of becoming. write about your ideal life with what you have. make goals to be the happiest and healthiest version of yourself.

don't suppress your emotions, but don't overthink them either. have a kinder relationship with your body and your thoughts.

don't be afraid to ask for help, whether it's a teacher, therapist, friend, doctor or parent.

remember that healing and loving yourself is just starting over and over. it's not too late. you're still young and you can move and grow at your own pace. your peak is yet to come.

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turkey and azerbaijan are attacking armenia right now, and it's 1915 all over again because the world is distracted and people are too busy wondering if they're gonna live or die, and who gives a shit about my country anyway? my mum told me to tell my friends and explain to them what's happening and that we are the victims in this war because azerbaijan is spreading lies and people are believing their lies and i told her, what good is that going to do? do you think anyone's going to come to our aid? is russia going to help us? is america? is england? erdogan said they will finish what their ancestors started, and he means genocide. he means ethnic cleansing. he means to massacre every last one of us. and in doing so admitted to the very same thing turkey has spent 105 years denying. i don't know who to tell and what good telling people will do because we're a small, insignificant country, and we have nothing to offer to the people in power, the handful who rule the world. so i sit here with my pain and i feel helpless. i know there's twitter threads and links to petitions and people being urged to contact their senators, and sorry if im being pessimistic, but azerbaijan has been attacking us for the last 22 years, and though we defend ourselves, we can't do anything to stop them. they've violated ceasefires (and geneva conventions) multiple times. i don't think they'll rest until every last one of us is dead.

we just want peace. we just want to live peacefully. we're not asking for a lot here.

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romanticize un-illuminated brown and black eyes. romanticize the way dark eyes look without being blinded by flash. romanticize brown eyes that don’t have streaks of gold and yellow. romanticize black eyes that are so raven it’s hard to distinguish where the iris is. the depth of your dark eyes is enchanting. brown and black eyes draw you in, wrap you up, and leave you wanting more. fall in love with them.

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keep your nose in your mask and out my business bro

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“I think the reason pawns can’t move backwards is because if they could, they’d kill their own kings in a heartbeat.”

— Guante, “The Family Business”

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