blairheron

[blairheron]

The Best Part of Me is You

There’s been a lot on my mind lately. Sometimes we grow up and start to look back, not just at the good memories, but also the people we’ve hurt along the way. And honestly, I’ve been thinking about that a lot. To anyone from my past who ever felt hurt by me, even in the smallest way… I’m sorry. I really am. Deep in my heart, I know I made mistakes, and I carry them with me.

If I’m being completely honest, back then I was still so young and incredibly immature. I didn’t know how to properly handle emotions, how to communicate, or how to treat people with the depth of care they deserved. I was still figuring things out, still learning how to love, how to be a better person. That isn’t an excuse, but it is the truth. I’ve grown a lot since then, and I’m continuing to grow. Even so, I know growth doesn’t erase what already happened.

There’s one person in particular I want to speak to through this. Someone I dated back in jhs. This part is for you. Thank you, truly, for showing me that pure love exists. Thank you for loving me in such an honest and beautiful way. Even tho I didn’t realize it at the time, what you gave me was rare. You made that part of my life feel meaningful, and looking back now, I wish I had shown more appreciation for it.

Thank you for being there in all the ways that mattered. You listened to me when I needed it, stayed by my side through everything, helped me, supported me, and loved me without holding back. You picked me up whenever I needed it, even if it was late or raining. You visited my house, called me every single day, and made me feel like I mattered. You held my hand when I was nervous, comforted me after tests, and showed up for me in ways no one else did.

You were such a blessing in my life. I should’ve been more grateful. But because I was still so immature, I ended up hurting you. I took your kindness for granted, and I let our communication fall apart. I failed to handle our relationship with the care it deserved. I made you feel unloved when all you ever did was love me fully. For that, I am deeply sorry.

Even now, there’s a part of me that still wants to apologize. But I feel so embarrassed. We still follow each other, and I often think about what it would be like to just send a message and say all this directly. But I haven’t been able to. I haven’t found the courage yet. Still, I want you to know that I carry the weight of my mistakes, and I truly hope you’re doing well.

It took me almost five years to reach this point, to finally be able to acknowledge everything, to feel all the guilt and gratitude at once, and to write this out with full honesty. I know it’s late. I know you may have already moved on. But I want you to know that this apology is real. It comes from a place of reflection, of change, and of deep respect for the role you played in my life.

Thank you for being a light during a time I didn’t know how to recognize it. Thank you for giving me a kind of love that many people spend years hoping to find. I’m sorry for how I treated you. I’m sorry I wasn’t better when you were doing your best and more than anything, I’m grateful you existed in my life.

With sincerity, I’m sorry and thank you. Jakarta, 22 June 2025

[blairheron]

Unspoken Paths

Lately, I've been retreating into myself, pulling away from the noise of the world. I thought I needed people someone to comfort me, someone to listen but the truth is, I just needed time to hear my own voice.

I now see why my relationships never really worked. It wasn’t them walking away. It was me, quietly building walls, sending silent signals that said, "Don’t come closer." From the outside, it may have seemed like they lost interest. But inside, it was me who shut the door first. And maybe... that's because, right now, my heart isn't ready to belong to anyone.

I don't want a relationship; I want freedom. I want to graduate. I want to carve a new life in a faraway place. I want to be whole without needing someone else to complete me. For so long, I let others decide for me. But today, I choose for myself. If I meet someone along the way, I’ll welcome it but I won’t hold on too tightly. No expectations, no illusions. Maybe it's selfish. Maybe it's broken. But it’s honest.

I’m not ready to love when fear still sits in my chest the fear of betrayal, the fear of losing myself. I don't want to be destroyed by love. Not again. So for now, I walk alone. Healing. Growing. Listening to the quiet inside me.

[blairheron]

What Was Never Held

There are things I never truly understood as a child, but slowly learned through silence. Through quiet mornings, through stories from friends about a figure sitting beside them during school competitions, or the deep voice that read bedtime tales. I listened to it all with a smile, while quietly packing away a longing I wasn’t sure where to send.

I grew up in a warm home, though not a complete one. There was one hand working for two, one heart holding all the questions I never dared to ask the world. She moved slowly, yet steadily, making sure everything was enough—even when she was almost running on empty.

Somewhere out there, there are those who don’t realize that being present doesn’t have to be grand. Sometimes, the smallest gesture of care can be the answer to wounds long buried. But not everyone chooses to show up. Some only come when needed, and leave before ever truly seeing.

I don’t know when I became used to holding back disappointment. I don’t know when I learned to smile while swallowing questions that never found answers. But maybe that’s where I learned not to expect anything from someone who was never really there to begin with.

There came a time when I realized that loss doesn’t always mean being left behind—it can also mean never being held in the first place. And when people come and go, I’m no longer surprised. Because some part of me has known that feeling far too early.

Even so, deep inside, I still hold onto a quiet dream. Of a space that is still, but full of love. Of children’s laughter blooming without the fear of being abandoned. Of someone who understands every wound without needing me to explain each one.

And when I reach the later chapters of my life, I want someone to know that even though I was born from fragments, I will create something whole. Even if I was never given everything, I will never pass down that emptiness. I simply want to become a home—for anyone who chooses to stay. Not just for a while, but for always.

Jakarta, 17 April 2025

[blairheron]

This Time

Why do some people think, "Dating at this age means you don’t understand anything," or "If you don’t fully understand what a relationship is, you might as well break up"? I don’t get that mindset. If every time we try to learn, we're just told to stop, then when are we supposed to actually understand? When do we get the chance to grow and become more mature?

The whole point of a relationship is learning—through communication, through figuring things out together. Two people will never have identical perspectives, and that’s why disagreements happen. But that’s also what helps us understand each other better.

It’s a different story if you’ve tried communicating, but your partner just refuses to understand or respect you. That’s when you know the difference between someone who truly wants to be with you and someone who’s just staying out of obligation. There’s no point being in a gray area—either you want this, or you don’t. And if you don’t, then stop making excuses like "I’m actually like this," or "This is just how I am." If there’s something about you that needs improvement, work on it. There’s always a way to be better.

Jakarta, 25 March 2025

[blairheron]

The Show Must Go On

One of the hardest lessons life has ever taught me is that you cannot go back to the same person twice or even three times and expect a different ending. No matter how kind they are, no matter how much they promise to stay, it always ends. And the worst part? It never ends because of them. It ends because of us.

I went back to my ex over and over again. Three times. The first time, we were just kids, too young to understand what love really meant. The second time, our parents stood in the way, but deep down, I knew that was not the only reason. He had already made a thousand mistakes before, and yet, I forgave him every single time. The third time, he did what he always did. He hurt me again and again without ever considering how much I had given up just to be with him. And still, I stayed.

What makes it worse is that I had a choice. There was someone else. Someone who saw me for who I was, who treated me like I was special, like I mattered. He was kind, thoughtful, and everything I had ever wanted. He had been my crush since junior high, my soulmate in another life. He was everything I could ever ask for. He wrote me love letters, always checked in on me, made me feel safe. He did everything my ex never did, everything I had begged my ex to do. And yet, I still chose my ex over him.

Looking back, I do not even know why. Maybe I was too stupid, too immature to see what was right in front of me. I thought I loved my ex more. But when I got back with him, it was not the same anymore. It was not love. It was nostalgia. I did not miss him. I missed the idea of him. I missed the memories, the familiarity, the comfort of something I once knew. If I could go back in time, if I had even a shred of maturity back then, I would have chosen differently. Maybe I would not be here, filled with regret.

I really know loving someone is not wasting time, but loving the wrong person over and over again is. It drains you, breaks you, and leaves you wondering if love was ever meant for you in the first place. I gave my heart so many chances, thinking that love alone was enough to make things work. But love is not enough when it is one-sided, when it is full of repeated mistakes, when it only brings pain instead of peace. I have learned that the right love does not make you question your worth, and now, I am just trying to believe that kind of love still exists for me.

I know I am not good enough, but I always put everyone around me first. I am full of love. I deserve to be loved—not casually, not temporarily, but fully and deeply. I deserve to be someone's first choice, not just an option. I deserve to be a girlfriend, not just someone to talk to when they feel lonely. I am done settling for almost-relationships, for half-hearted love, for people who do not see my worth. If I can give my all, why should I accept anything less?

I know that it is not always "if they wanted to, they would," because sometimes people are selfish. Sometimes they want you, but not enough to choose you fully. Sometimes they love you, but not in the way you deserve to be loved. And sometimes, they do not even realize what they have until it is gone. But I am done waiting for someone to love me the right way. I deserve more than almosts, more than empty promises, more than love that only exists when it is convenient for them.

Now, I feel nothing. Love does not feel real to me anymore. I meet people, I talk, I laugh, I share moments with them, but it all feels empty. Nothing gives me butterflies anymore. Nothing makes my heart race the way it used to.

I am terrified. What if it all ends the same way? What if love is just a cycle of losing yourself for someone who will never choose you the same way you choose them? I am exhausted from trying. I am exhausted from hoping.

So now, I just exist. I talk, I laugh, I pretend. But I do not feel. I do not let myself. Because if I do, I am scared I will end up right where I started. Choosing the wrong person and losing myself all over again.

Jakarta, 23 March 2025

[blairheron]

Dear R,

Some people walk into our lives and leave without a trace, while others carve their presence so deeply that no amount of time or distance can erase them. He was one of those people—the boy who never truly left, no matter how many times we drifted apart. Our story wasn’t one of simple beginnings or clean endings; it was a cycle of connection, separation, and longing, a love that never quite found its permanent place but also never disappeared completely.

I first met him when I was in junior high school. He was my senior, the boy who excelled both in academics and on the football field. He was disciplined, determined, and effortlessly charming in a way that drew people toward him. I, on the other hand, was the girl who loved to dance, lost in my own world of movement and expression. We had nothing in common—except for the invisible thread that pulled us together. He reached out to me first, something I never expected. He wanted to talk, to know me, to be around me. I loved the way he looked at me, the way he spoke, the way he made me feel like I was someone special.

They say love comes like the fall—soft at first, then all at once. That was exactly how I felt. I fell, even when I wasn’t sure what love truly meant. We talked almost every day, growing closer with each conversation. But when he graduated, everything ended abruptly. There were no goodbyes, no explanations—just silence, a sudden emptiness that neither of us knew how to fill. For a long time, we became strangers once again, disappearing from each other’s lives.

Then, one day, he reached out to me again. He was leaving town to pursue his studies, and for some reason, he wanted me to know. I wasn’t sure why it mattered to him—why, after all this time, he still thought of me. But we started talking again, and just like before, we fell into our familiar rhythm. It was effortless. And this time, I was honest. I told him that I had never really stopped feeling something for him, that those emotions I had buried since junior high still lingered. To my surprise, he felt the same. He wanted to show me what real love was like, to prove that I was worth taking a risk for. And for a while, he did exactly that.

He loved me openly, fearlessly. He wrote me a handwritten love letter, pouring his heart onto paper in a way that made my own heart ache with happiness. He introduced me to his friends, his family, making sure I knew just how much I meant to him. His friends even told me how much he loved me, how our relationship was something pure, something that others admired. I believed, for the first time, that love was real. But even love isn’t always enough. Somehow, we drifted apart again, falling into the same cycle of silence and distance.

Then, at the end of the year, we saw each other again. We hung out, and it was as if no time had passed at all. He still knew me better than anyone. He remembered every small detail—things I had said years ago, things even I had forgotten. It felt like coming home. But just like before, we disappeared from each other’s lives once more, caught in a never-ending loop of what could have been.

Now, he exists only in glimpses—a like on my Instagram story, a digital trace of his lingering presence. We don’t talk, but he’s there, watching from a distance. And maybe that’s how it was always meant to be. Maybe some people aren’t meant to stay forever, but rather to teach us something about love, about loss, about the bittersweet beauty of human connection.

He was the guy who never truly left my heart. And perhaps, in some quiet corner of his own heart.

happy birthday

Jakarata, 22 March 2025

[blairheron]

The Unwritten Pages of Us

Maybe I was never someone significant to you, just another passing presence in your life. But to me, you were something—more than just a name on my screen, more than just fleeting conversations. In three months, I felt like I knew you, as if your words carried a warmth that reached beyond the distance between us. I found comfort in your presence, even in the simplest exchanges, and for that, I am grateful. Even if we never met, even if we were nothing more than two souls briefly crossing paths, I cherished the time we had.

Yet one day, you left—without a word, without a farewell, without even the courtesy of closure. Just silence, a message left on ‘delivered,’ a quiet ending to something that never truly began. But I am not broken. If anything, I am relieved. Perhaps this was a kindness, an unspoken understanding that what we had was never meant to last. You walked away before illusions turned into something heavier, before expectations formed only to be shattered. And in that, I find peace.

Maybe my absence is exactly what you wished for. Maybe, to you, my silence is a relief, a door finally closed so you could move on—to someone new, or perhaps back to someone you once held close. And if that is the case, then I hope you have found what you were looking for. Because the truth is, there was never a plan, never a true intention behind it all. Maybe, deep down, you always knew this was fleeting, that we were simply grasping at something that was never meant to be. And for that, I thank you. Thank you for leaving before we fell too deep, for letting go before it became something harder to undo. Some stories are meant to remain unfinished, and maybe ours was one of them. Jakarta, 20 February 2025

[blairheron]

Why does everyone walk away the moment they truly see me? Does knowing me make me less worth loving? That’s crue, because the more I know you, the more I could never stop

[blairheron]

Hold This Feeling Like It's The Last Train Home

Let us be happy, just for once, without the weight of what-ifs and unseen tomorrows. Let us breathe in the warmth of this moment, untouched by the echoes of the past or the worries of the future. Today is ours, unchained and unburdened, a fleeting gift that deserves to be lived fully.

Let us laugh without hesitation, hearts light as if the world has never known sorrow. Let us hold onto joy like the wind holds the sky, effortlessly, without fear of losing it. The present is enough more than enough, if only we let it be, if only we stop reaching for what hasn’t yet arrived.

Let us be here, now, in the stillness of this happiness. No second guessing, no overthinking, no glancing at the shadows that have not yet formed. Just us, in a moment that belongs to no one else, where nothing exists except the quiet certainty that, for now, we are free.

Jakarta, 10 February 2025

[blairheron]

A Place Only We Know

There is something undeniably beautiful about finding a space where words flow freely, where the weight of silence is lifted, and where unspoken thoughts finally find a voice. In a world that often rushes past the smallest details, it is a rare blessing to be heard, to have someone not just listen but truly absorb what lingers in between the words. It’s in these quiet moments of understanding that warmth seeps in, filling the spaces once left untouched by certainty.

Life moves in waves, shifting between clarity and the unknown. Sometimes, it is easier to linger in the in-between, to stay where things are familiar yet undefined. But there is a quiet kind of courage in embracing what is real, in allowing oneself to be seen without hesitation. Meaning is not found in hesitation but in the willingness to step forward, even when the path ahead is unclear.

To be loved is to be acknowledged in your rawest form, to be felt even in silence, to be understood even when words fail. In a world that often values noise over meaning, to have someone choose to hear you is a gift. It is proof that amidst the chaos, there is still a place where you belong, where you are not just another passing thought but a melody that lingers long after the conversation ends

Jakarta, 7 Feb 2025

[blairheron]

A Place Only We Know

The first time we talked about our song, you said Home by Bruno Major, but I told you it felt more like The Most Beautiful Thing—something fragile, something unsure. There’s a line in that song: "Someone on a screen asked me a question, something about what love means to me." And one day, you really did ask me that. I remember how we sat there, sharing our thoughts, seeing love through each other’s eyes. Now, after all this time—after laughter, after silences, after being here, face to face—you've answered with The Most Beautiful Thing. But somehow, it has become Home. Funny how a song can shift, just like us, until it finally feels like where we were always meant to be.

At first, I felt really awkward, and there were so many things I thought I could never talk about—but somehow, I ended up sharing everything, even the little things. You really made me feel comfortable enough to open up. You’ve honestly made me enjoy talking more because you listen so intently. You’ve also helped me become a more confident version of myself. Meeting you has truly been a blessing.

There’s something deeply beautiful about getting comfortable enough with someone to share things you’ve never said out loud. I love how we often exchange thoughts, discuss so many things, and really listen to each other. It’s in those quiet moments when you realize it’s okay to embrace the little things in life. And what’s even more beautiful is when someone truly listens to you—when they hear your words, not just with their ears but with their heart. To be loved is to be heard, to be understood, and that’s what makes it all so meaningful.

And now, as I sit here, writing this, I can’t help but feel excited about the moment when you’ll ask me, "Can I be your boyfriend?" It’s almost like I’m preparing for that moment, because in a way, I’ve been writing this story with you long before we even realized it. So when you ask me if I’ve ever been in your words, the answer will be yes—more than you know. And when you ask me that question, I’ll already have my answer ready, because you’ve already become a part of the story that’s unfolding. I’m so ready to give you this, because I can’t wait to see the smile on your face when you realize you’ve been part of every line I’ve written.

Jakarta, 1 February 2025

[blairheron]

“I just want to be with someone who doesn’t disappear when love gets tough.”

— j. iron word

[blairheron]

If love ever finds me again, i hope it comes from a person who is willing to treat me right. a person who never makes me question my worth, a person who doesn't make me beg for love and doesn't make me feel stupid in love.

[blairheron]

Between Doubt and the Light of Hope

This year can be said to be full of lessons and unexpected journeys. At times, I feel like I’m running down an uncertain path, sometimes I fall and get hurt, but I keep rising and moving forward. Maybe this year is a turning point for me—not just in terms of the achievements I’ve made, but also in how I’ve started to understand myself more, even though at times, I still struggle to fully accept all the flaws and imperfections within me.

I realized that time is something very precious, and sometimes I feel trapped in the same old routine. College, friends, even the environment that I thought should be motivating, sometimes makes me feel extremely pressured. It feels like I’m stuck in the same circle, with no meaningful progress. I feel trapped in the shadows of failure and fear, trying to achieve something, but only growing more tired and empty.

But amidst all this restlessness, I’ve found many things that ended up saving me—new people who came into my life, conversations that opened my eyes to many things, and also self-acceptance that I’m slowly starting to embrace. Success and failure are no longer things that scare me, but rather parts of my life story that I need to live through.

However, behind all of this, there’s a profound lesson about relationships. I learned that everyone has their own way of dealing with things, even in communication. I’ve been caught in misunderstandings, in deep disappointment because of relationships that didn’t show mutual respect. But I realized that it’s useless to keep dwelling on things that are in the past, especially when they are only painful. All of those things, even though they hurt, taught me to be more careful, to value myself and the people around me more.

This year also allowed me to meet many people—who, in their own ways, brought new color into my life. Some people I met, even briefly, made a significant impact. Some made me feel more appreciated, while others taught me not to be selfish and to understand others’ situations, even when I sometimes feel anxious about receiving a response or waiting for a delayed reply. All of this taught me patience, to accept that no relationship is always smooth. Sometimes, we need to learn to give space to others without feeling hurt or judgmental. And for me, this year marks the beginning of my journey toward maturity in handling any relationship, whether it's friendship, acquaintances, or even deeper connections.

I also learned to open my heart, even though fear and trauma still haunt me. But I realize that nothing is more important than building trust in myself, in others, and in the process I’m going through. Everything that happens, whether a meeting or a parting, always has meaning. Even in failure, I find the strength to rise again.

I hope that in the next year, I can get to know myself even better, become more patient, wiser, and more accepting that life is not just about achievements, but about a journey full of valuable lessons.

-Jakarta, 30 December 2024

[blairheron]

In between the pages

I’ve been getting closer to someone who’s still tied to his past, like a balloon caught in a tree, trying to break free but held back by invisible strings. He’s trying to move forward, to open himself up to something new, and I respect the effort he’s making. It feels like we’re both explorers, walking through a dense fog, building something fragile yet full of potential. There are quiet moments—like when the conversation pauses, or his thoughts seem distant—that remind me how delicate it all is. It’s like we’re standing on the edge of something vast, and I can almost feel the ground shifting beneath us. But those moments don’t erase the hope that keeps us moving, like a flickering light in the distance, guiding us forward.

Some days, it feels like he’s ready to let go, to finally close that chapter, like someone turning the last page of a book they’ve been holding onto for too long. We’ll laugh about something silly, and for a moment, it feels light and real—like we’ve created a space where only the present matters. But then, memories or thoughts about his past suddenly emerge, like shadows in the corner of his mind, pulling him back, keeping him stuck in a past he doesn’t know how to let go of. There’s a part of him that feels distant, like a locked door I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to open, and I wonder if I’m the key—or if it’s a door meant to stay locked forever.

We often talk on the phone, about today, tomorrow, or even silly things that make us laugh, like the sound of our voices filling the silence between us. Every conversation seems to bring us a little closer, even though there’s still distance between us, like two stars in the night sky, seemingly far apart, but connected by an invisible thread of light. In every word we speak, there’s a warmth that flows, like a steady current beneath the surface, even though we’ve never met in person.

We’ve never met face to face before, but we’ve planned to meet when he moves to my city. Maybe later, in the city where I live, we’ll create a new story together, like two blank pages waiting for the ink of our memories. There’s something heartwarming about imagining our first meeting, like opening the first chapter of a book that’s been waiting for its perfect ending. It feels like we’re building something more than just a connection—something with its own heartbeat, waiting to come to life.

Though it all feels uncertain, there’s a small belief growing within me. I believe this journey, with all its uncertainties and hopes, is something worth walking—because maybe, in the end, we’ll find a story we never imagined before, a story that will feel like home, even if we don’t know yet what that home looks like.

— im looking for the words to say, but I don't know if I'm brave enough yet -bruno major, easily

Jakarta, 3 December 2024

[blairheron]

Echoes of a Heartbreak: A Childhood Forever Changed

One Direction was more than just a band to me; they were a defining part of my childhood. Their music gave me comfort and joy during times when I needed it most. I remember being so excited with every album release, every interview, and every performance. They weren’t just artists; they felt like friends who understood me in a way that no one else could. Growing up with them, I felt like I was a part of something bigger, something magical that bonded millions of us together.

When I heard the news about Liam, I was in complete shock. I didn’t want to believe it, and a part of me couldn’t. But when I saw the posts from Harry, Zayn, Louis, and Niall—confirming what I feared—it hit me all at once. Liam is truly gone, and the weight of that realization crushed me. His voice, his smile, his energy—it all played such a huge role in my life. Seeing the boys express their grief made it all so real, and I felt the loss in a way I wasn’t prepared for. I couldn’t stop crying, and it feels like this sadness just won’t go away.

Liam’s passing feels like a part of my childhood has been ripped away. The memories are still there, but now they’re tinged with so much pain. I don’t know how to cope with this overwhelming sorrow. I keep thinking about the times when their music made me smile, and now it feels impossible to listen without breaking down. Liam’s legacy will live on, but the world feels a little darker without him in it. I don’t know how to move past this; all I feel is this deep, aching sadness.

Jakarta, 18 Oktober 2024

[blairheron]

Did You Like Her in The Morning?