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hey just so u know I’m here for the girls who have slept with people who they didn’t like and girls who look back on old hook ups and feel gross. girls who have slept with people because they needed the sexual validation but had bad experiences or wished that thy hadn’t gone near those people. girls who found out how bad the people were after the fact. the character of your hookups doesn’t reflect your character. you’re all wonderful and I’m here for u

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By Amanda Jette on upworthy.com ---

My wife surprised her coworkers when she came out as trans. Then they surprised her.

Society, pay attention. This is important.  

My wife, Zoe, is transgender. She came out to us — the kids and me — last summer and then slowly spread her beautiful feminine wings with extended family, friends, and neighbors.

A little coming out here, a little coming out there — you know how it is.

It’s been a slow, often challenging process of telling people something so personal and scary, but pretty much everyone has been amazing.

However, she dreaded coming out at the office.

She works at a large technology company, managing a team of software developers in a predominantly male office environment. She’s known many of her co-workers and employees for 15 or so years. They have called her “he” and “him” and “Mr.” for a very long time. How would they handle the change?

While we have laws in place in Ontario, Canada, to protect the rights of transgender employees, it does not shield them from awkwardness, quiet judgment, or loss of workplace friendships. Your workplace may not become outright hostile, but it can sometimes become a difficult place to go to every day because people only tolerate you rather than fully accept you.

But this transition needed to happen, and so Zoe carefully crafted a coming out email and sent it to everyone she works with.

The support was immediately apparent; she received about 75 incredibly kind responses from coworkers, both local and international.

She then took one week off, followed by a week where she worked solely from home. It was only last Monday when she finally went back to the office.

Despite knowing how nice her colleagues are and having read so many positive responses to her email, she was understandably still nervous.

Hell, I was nervous. I made her promise to text me 80 billion times with updates and was more than prepared to go down there with my advocacy pants on if I needed to (I might be a tad overprotective).

And that’s when her office pals decided to show the rest of us how to do it right.

She got in and found that a couple of them had decorated her cubicle to surprise her:

And made sure her new name was prominently displayed in a few locations:

They got her a beautiful lily with a “Welcome, Zoe!” card:

And this tearjerker quote was waiting for her on her desk:

To top it all off, a 10 a.m. “meeting” she was scheduled to attend was actually a coming out party to welcome her back to work as her true self — complete with coffee and cupcakes and handshakes and hugs.

NO, I’M NOT CRYING. YOU’RE CRYING.

I did go to my wife’s office that day. But instead of having my advocacy pants on, I had my hugging arms ready and some mascara in my purse in case I cried it off while thanking everyone.

I wish we lived in a world where it was no big deal to come out.

Sadly, that is not the case for many LGBTQ people. We live in a world of bathroom bills and “religious freedom” laws that directly target the members of our community. We live in a world where my family gets threats for daring to speak out for trans rights. We live in a world where we can’t travel to certain locations for fear of discrimination — or worse.

So when I see good stuff happening — especially when it takes place right on our doorstep — I’m going to share it far and wide. Let’s normalize this stuff. Let’s make celebrating diversity our everyday thing rather than hating or fearing it.

Chill out, haters. Take a load off with us.

It’s a lot of energy to judge people, you know. It’s way more fun to celebrate and support them for who they are.

Besides, we have cupcakes.

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in case no one has said this to you today, you are doing your best and you are going to be okay

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my gender is queer and wonderful

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If you aren’t cisgender heteroromantic heterosexual, you belong in the queer community. I’m sick of seeing this bullshit “you aren’t queer enough” sort of community policing.

And by “cisgender heteroromantic heterosexual” I mean ALL THREE of those things.

Are you a trans (binary or nonbinary) person who is attracted sexually and romantically to the opposite gender? You belong in the LGBTA+ community.

Are you a cis person who is heteroromantic asexual? You belong.

Are you a cis person who is heterosexual aromantic? You belong.

Are you a cis bisexual who is currently dating a cis member of the opposite gender? You belong.

Are you an intersex individual who otherwise is heteroromantic heterosexual? You belong.

Stop trying to alienate people based on some fucked-up “level of queerness”. There are enough problems in the LGBTA+ community without people being exclusive.

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it infuriates me how committed cishets are to the idea that our struggles, our oppression, is caused mostly by ourselves

internalized homophobia is a thing, yes, but there’s an ugly pervasive myth that “the biggest homophobes are always closeted gay people” and that the most violent things done to our community are done by ourselves. it’s everywhere

it’s when Glee decided their ideal way to portray internalized homophobia was the biggest, baddest homophobic bully? gay all along. that’s why he was so hateful, that’s the reason he was so violent

it’s when people laugh their asses off when hearing about conservative politicians and pundits who are outed somehow, as if it’s progressive to treat being gay like a punishment for being an asshole. because yes of course they’re assholes, but the way liberal “ “allies” ” treat those news stories is sickening

it’s when my sister says, and i quote, “imagine how much better the world would be if the LGBT community said ‘I’ll listen to you and love you no matter what’.” because THAT’S clearly our problem. WE’RE the ones not loving enough, not listening enough, and our problems - the whole WORLD’S problems - are caused by that.

it’s when, as fake as that post definitely was, 2013 tumblr was all over that post abt “the q***r whisperer.” some gross cishet thought that a story where she walked up to a bully who used a violent slur and assumed the bully himself was closeted, telling him just accept himself, was a good and funny story. and people on this site found it believable, that someone would correctly assume that someone is gay and afraid to come out because he yelled f*g. because he was a homophobe.

it pops up again and again in fiction, and one particularly disgusting case i remember is a crime show i’ve seen a few episodes of, and in one episode there was an apparent hate crime - outside a gay club. this show was made pre-Orlando but still even mentioning this makes my stomach turn. but what happened? the show decided to portray this murder as actually committed by a jealous lover who tried to make it seem like a random hate crime to get away with it, and an LGBT community leader was shown just trying to make it about homophobia for an agenda. because clearly, our oppression is all just something we’ve made up; it’s our own community causing this violence

if you don’t grasp yet why this is such a problem, i want to ask if you’ve heard of the UpStairs Lounge burning. at the time that i learned of this massacre (aka before the Pulse shooting) it was the largest mass murder of LGBT people in American history. in 1973, 32 people were killed in a meeting above a New Orleans gay bar in a church service of the Metropolitan Community Church congregation, which is a church founded by and for LGBT Christians. and who’s the only person considered the strongest suspect for the arson? a gay man who was thrown out of the bar earlier. not a homophobe, certainly not a conservative Christian who was enraged to see people finding love and acceptance in their religion rather than bigotry and proudly meeting under a rainbow flag. but nope, the only person ever seriously investigated was a disgruntled patron of the bar -based only on that, a dismissal of an eyewitness giving him an alibi, and questionable evidence. a mass murderer torched a building with dozens of people inside and killing 32 of them, almost definitely as a homophobic hate crime. and whoever that person is has walked free, because this disgusting myth is so engrained in our society.

the LGBT community is NOT responsible for most of the violence that we face, and the lie that we do has done nothing but lead to the violence against us not being taken seriously, or punished, or stopped.

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“you can’t ship her with another girl! she’s been with loads of guys !!”

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Real Live Trans Adults

After Leelsh Alcorn’s suicide, Oakland-based comedian Red Durkin started the hashtag #RealLiveTransAdult (top image above) to show transgender people afraid of coming out that there is hope and an abundance of possibilities.

Hundreds went online to share their stories (above). This is no longer news, but these tweets are so powerful and the message so important, I’ll share them anyway.

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There is no wrong way to be nonbinary.

You found this awesome name you like and want it for yourself? Make it yours! You like your birth name and want to keep it? Awesome!

You want to stick with the pronouns you’re used to? Great! You think you will be happier if you change pronouns? Go for it!

You want to wear that outfit, that makeup, that nail polish? Put it on!

You want to use hormones or surgery in your transition? That’s a totally valid choice. You don’t want hormones or surgeries? Also a valid choice, and one that doesn’t mean you’re any less trans.

You’re considering a different or additional label for your gender or sexuality? Try it out, see how it fits.

There is no rule book or dress code you must follow to be a “real” nonbinary person. You are nonbinary enough.

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Hi! Just a genuine question, I was curious as to why you dislike the Rainbow Fish?

Because Rainbow Fish can be retold like this: 

A fish has a part of their body - their physical, incarnate body, what they were born with - that makes them very happy and that they are very proud of. They also have an unfortunate habit of thinking that they are better than other fish. That part isn’t good, and causes the other fish to be unhappy with them and avoid them. 

The fish is now very sad. The only person who likes the fish anymore tells him to go to the octopus, the animal framed as the adult in the story. 

The octopus tells the rainbow fish that they have been a snotty jerk and that the only way to make people like them again is to take off their scales and give them away. That in order to have any friends and make up for their behaviour, they have to rip off pieces of their own body and self and give them away to other people to make the other people happy and make up for their transgressions. 

And the rainbow fish is upset. And then another fish comes and asks them for a scale. And the rainbow fish takes off a piece of themself, their body, the thing they were born into, and gives it away. And now that fish likes him, and is materially benefitted by this piece of another fish’s actual body that has been given to it. 

And then the other fish come, and the rainbow fish rips off more parts of its body - all of the parts that used to make it happy and that it was proud of - and gives them to the other fish, because it’s not fair that the rainbow fish’s body was so much nicer. And when the rainbow fish has ripped all but one scale off, tearing out of themself all but one of the things that they possessed in their self that made them happy, then all the fish are friends with them! And everything is great! And everyone has a fair share. 

Of the rainbow fish’s, and I do quite mean to keep hammering this point, own body.

What the book says is: 

1. if you are born with something nice - like, for instance, an attractive body or a clever mind or a talent or whatever - and it makes you happy and proud, you are a horrible person and deserve to be shunned. Absolutely no line is ever drawn between Rainbow Fish’s self, their actual own body, and their behaviour. In reality, it’s their behaviour that’s the problem: they are mean and aloof to the other fish. This could be the case whether or not their body was all covered with magnificent scales. However, the book absolutely conflates the two: their behaviour is framed as a natural and unavoidable outcome of being happy about and proud of their special, beautiful body. So don’t you dare ever be happy or proud of anything you have or can do that everyone else doesn’t have exactly the same amount as, because if you do, you are horrible and by definition snotty, stuck up and mean. 

2. That in order to make up for the transgression of having something about your actual self that makes you happy and proud (which, remember, has automatically made you selfish and snobby, because that’s what happens), you must rip pieces of what makes you happy out of yourself and give them to other people for the asking, and you must never ever EVER have more of that part of - again, I hate to belabour except I don’t - your self than other people have, and that makes you a good person that people like and who deserves friends. 

To summarize, then: to be a good person you must never have something about yourself that makes you happy and proud and if you happen to be born with that something you must absolutely find a way to give it away to other people and remove it from yourself, right up to tearing off pieces of your body, in order to be a good person who deserves friends. 

This, I am absolutely sure, is not what the author intended: the author definitely meant it to be a story about sharing versus not sharing. But the author then used, as their allegory/metaphor, the fish’s own actual body. Their self. It was not about sharing shiny rocks that the rainbow fish had gathered up for himself. It wasn’t even about the fish teaching other fish how to do something, or where to find something. 

The metaphor/allegory used is the fish’s literal. body. And so the message is: other people have rights to you. Other people have the right to demand you, yourself, your body, pieces of you, in a way that makes absolutely sure that you have no more of anything about your body and self that is considered “good” than they do. 

And that might just suck a little bit except, hah, so: Gifted adult, here. Identified as a Gifted child. 

This is what Gifted children are told, constantly. All the fucking time. 

(Okay, I overstate. I am sure - at least I fucking HOPE - that particularly by this time there are Gifted children coming to adulthood who did not run into this pathology over and over and over and over again. I haven’t met any of them, though, and I have met a lot of Gifted adults who were identified as Gifted as children.) 

Instead of being told what’s actually a problem with our behaviour (that we’re being mean, or controlling, or putting other people down), or - heavens forfend - the other children being told that us being better at something doesn’t actually mean moral superiority and is totally okay and not something we should be attacked for, we are told: they’re jealous of you. That’s the problem. 

Instead of being taught any way to be happy about our accomplishments and talents that does not also stop the talents and accomplishments of other children - whatever those are! - from being celebrated, we are left with two choices: to be pleased with what we can do, or what we are, or to never, ever make anyone feel bad by being able to do things they can’t. And the first option also comes with two options: either you really ARE superior to them because you have skills, abilities and talents they don’t (or are prettier), or you are a HORRIBLE stuck up monster for feeling that way. 

(It is not uncommon for Gifted kids to chose either side, which means it’s not uncommon for them to choose “okay fine I really AM better than you”; this can often be summarized as “intent on sticking their noses in the air because everyone else is intent on rubbing them in the dirt”; on the other hand I have met a lot of Gifted women, particularly*, who cannot actually contemplate the idea of being Gifted because to do so is to immediately imply that they are somehow of more moral or human worth than someone else and this means they are HORRIBLE HORRIBLE SELFISH PEOPLE, and so will find literally any reason at all that their accomplishments are not accomplishments or that they don’t deserve anything for them.) 

Instead of being given any kind of autonomy or ownership of ourselves, we are loaded down by other people’s expectations: we are told that because we can accomplish more we must, and that daring not to do what other people want to the extent that they want with what we are capable of we are selfish, slackers, lazy, whatever. We are taught that we owe other people - our parents, our friends, even The World - excellence, the very best we can possibly do, and trust me when I say people are ALWAYS insisting We Could Do Better. And we should, or else we will be disappointing them, or letting them down, because (because we are Gifted) the only reason we could possibly be failing is not trying hard enough. 

We are, in fact, told over and over and over and over again, to rip off pieces of ourselves to give to other people to make them happy, because those pieces are valuable, but forbidden from enjoying the value of those pieces - pieces of our selves - for our own sake because that would be selfish and arrogant. And we owe this, because we were born a particular way. 

Because, metaphorically, we were born with rainbow scales, so now we have to rip off those rainbow scales in the name of Sharing, and otherwise we are selfish and horrible and deserve to be alone.** 

That is why I fucking hate The Rainbow Fish. 

Because whatever the author INTENDED, the metaphor they chose, the allegory they picked, means that THAT is the story they actually told. (And is the story that child after child after child after child I have encountered actually takes from it.) I don’t hate the author; I’m not even mad at them. But I do hate the book with a fiery passion, and it is among the books I will literally rip apart rather than allow in my house when I have kids, because I’m not going to give it to anyone ELSE’s kid either. 

*but, I would like to note, not UNIQUELY: this is something I encounter in Gifted men as well. 

**I can’t remember who it was, in relation to this, put forward the thought: if people actually talked about the access and use of children’s bodies the way we talk about access to and use of Gifted children’s minds and talents†, the abusiveness would be absolutely clear? But they’re right. 

†because sometimes it is Gifted children’s bodies in an abstract way, in that its their talent for gymnastics or their talent for ballet or sport or whatever, so I mean in a very raw way, the actual physical embodied flesh we are. 

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My friend told me that his strength trainer in high school was a ripped power top bear whose boyfriend was also a massive bear. The two bears actually wrestled for an hour before their first time having sex to establish which was the dominant one.

To this day, I still think that to be the most masculine thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Straight men need to up their game.

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my moms at their commitment ceremony on july 18, 1992. they were legally married on july 18, 2014, twenty-two years later. ♡

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I get pregnant, throw a “gender reveal” party, cut open the cake to reveal a landslide of green m&ms. “what does green mean??” my relatives ask, scandalized. in their confusion, they fail to notice that the doors have been barred. they are now my captive audience. “settle in, folks,” I say, “it’s time for gender theory 101. I have slides.”

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okay my teacher wanted a story that’s gonna shock him

so i wrote him a cute little story about a couple fletcher and mia falling in love

and the last sentences of story are

“so… what is your full name? i mean what is mia short for?”

“michael”

because my teacher is kinda homophobic, i am gonna force him into enjoying a fluffy love story with no gender pronouns and well what a shame you liked a story about a gay couple sorry man

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How out are you

On a scale from Narnia to marched with grandma this pride?