blind-eyes-see - Tumblr blog

[blind-eyes-see]

tw weight talk and other stuff

I get gay at the end, dw about it

we've lost a few pounds lately and I've been thinking about it a lot, I wanna loose weight, just because, and I'm glad that whatever I'm doing is working but I'm also so afraid of slipping back into old habits again

last I weighed myself I hated the number I saw, because the time before that I was in middle school and I was a lot lighter, but that's also because I was 1. in middle school, and 2. unhealthy without really knowing, and 3. under a shit ton of stress because of big life changes

in high school I gained a couple pounds and I honestly should have been happy about it but god my unhealthy teen brain was not having it so of course it gave me issues

my mom was always so strict with food so I ask before eating anything that I didn't buy and guard, she's starting to let up a little on it but I'm so used to having to ask that I just end up forgetting I can eat whenever I need to

as I grow up, I'm realizing my mom is being less of a mom and more of a "friend" which is fine and all, but when I ask what's for dinner and you go "well, my kids are having [insert whatever it was that night] but you're my roommate so you can have whatever you make for dinner"

I get it, I moved out for a little bit, but I was just across the street, and I still rely on you for my ride to work. I basically lived with my family still, it was just like I lived on the same property in a different building. I never stopped being your child, and I never stopped relying on you when I was in need, paying bills on your own while working as a barista isn't fucking easy, I starved many nights living on my own, but when I really needed you I asked for food, and that was fine

but now that I live here and I'm hungry I can't have the food you make in bulk and have 5-8 servings left of

I think im eating enough, but really I only eat at work, which doesn't serve anything healthy, and I have snacks at home, things I got with my own money

I'm stressed for no damn reason all the time, but I have goals and things to look forward to so can I really complain?

one day things will get better but for now it sucks ass, luckily my lovely partner keeps me going just by existing

I'm excited for all the days ill get to spend with her, all the nights we fall asleep on the couch because we got too comfy to move, the trips and date nights we can have together, learning and growing and helping each other through everything

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you, if you see this <3

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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IM GOING TO RIP MYSELF APART

I'M GOING TO YELL UNTIL I CAN'T SPEAK ANYMORE

I HATE THIS HOUSE, I HATE BEING HERE, I HATE FEELING UNSAFE, I HATE FEELING LIKE I HAVE NO SPACE

I HATE IT HERE I HATE IT HERE I HATE IT HERE I HATE IT HERE I HATE IT HERE

I want to go home or I want to be gone

those are my choices

I leave here and go home or I go away forever

everyone is always yelling at each other

I can't say anything to anyone without someone being upset

I can't be in my room without having to listen to slurs and screaming and if I ask for him to just be a little quieter or tone it down just a little bit, I get told to die, or that I'm worthless or that he hates me or anything else he wants to say to get me to fuck off

this is supposed to be a family

but it doesn't feel like one

one of our siblings here is nice

but the other one hates us, and I don't know why

I spend every day wanting to rip my skin off, to run away, to disappear, anything but be here and be around him

I don't know if I can make it until September, if we even get out then

I know people love us, and I know that we are cared about, but here it just feels liked I'd be better off gone.

I'm so prepared for people to turn and hate us, im so prepared to have to fight at every turn

I just want to sleep until everything is better

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Ode to the frenchiest fry [x]

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I love having things that smell like her perfume but it really makes me miss the hotel and the time we got to spend together

I keep forgetting I'm not over there with them and I keep turning to say stupid shit to them and they aren't there.

it's like my brain doesn't comprehend the rest of my room until I turn my head and then realize where I am

I know it'll be different once we actually live together but rn it hurts a little bit to remember how far we actually art from each other and how it isn't as simple as walking down the road or taking the bus a town over

the sent gives me comfort and I hope soon it'll be a normal part of my life, the comfort and warmth and love

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amazed at how insanely I can fuck things up. really it should be a talent I start listing on my resume.

I really can be fucking stupid sometimes. there's a reason I don't joke around much with people and every time I forget that it bites me in the ass.

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I really can be fucking stupid sometimes. there's a reason I don't joke around much with people and every time I forget that it bites me in the ass.

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everything going on is just making me sick, I feel so nauseous all the time. I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions and I just wanna hide until it's all over. I'm so sick of this.

everything is so much and I don't know how much longer we can handle it before we fucking explode

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nothing feels very real right now, im at work and it's busy but everything feels so quiet and I don't understand why

I want to just lay down and go back to bed, today is gonna be a fog

maybe I'll be lucky and remember some of it tomorrow

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how the fuck do I even talk to him anymore knowing this bullshit

I don't want to be someone's little toy that they pick up when they want and toss away when they feel like it

why can't I just be smarter about things, why am I always the stupid clueless one that holds onto hope

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I feel so stupid right now

I wish I could just bury myself in the dirt, I hate being the last to know things like this, I hate when people aren't direct with me, I hate that I held on to that hope for so long

I want to scream until I have no voice, I want to cry until I can't anymore

I want to rot here until I feel better

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I need a new tattoo in my life, or maybe some piercings, I want to save up money but I also need something new in my life -🫀