bloggingthingsidk

[bloggingthingsidk]

What even is happening over there.

[bloggingthingsidk]

Thank god the tension died down. One hour until we arrive home. I can probably privately cry in my room from all the stress and everything I dealt with these past couple of weeks. I had a few nice days that I was grateful for but holy crap it was mostly scary and stressful. Especially when BIL would raise his voice angrily cussing at things. “THIS KITCHEN FLOOR IS FUCKING DISGUSTING!!” Fucking scary.

[bloggingthingsidk]

Really wish we just left BIL at apartment because all he has been doing today is bitching, bossing me around, raising his voice, being angry. I am scared. When I get home I will just stay home. No more San Antonio for me. My stomach and head hurts from all this nauseated and anxiety hell. I hate feeling scared. Ugh. I am terrified.

Now I am scared I made a mistake of texting my dad to call my sis to shut up my BIL’s screaming. I feel like vomiting.

[bloggingthingsidk]

I want to cry from this panic attack. Brother in law keeps yelling at my sis but she doesn’t want me to intervene. I feel so nauseated at all this screaming and anger and tension. I want to die.

[bloggingthingsidk]

UGH GOD FUCK WHY MY BIL BITCHING AT MY SIS AND THE CONSTANT ARGUING. I get irrationally scared when someone starts to cuss angrily and/or raise their voice. It means they are pissed and might attack me. I hate it. Now my heart is racing and I feel nauseated.

[bloggingthingsidk]

Chronic lower back pain, nausea, constant daily intense lower abdominal pain. why

Anyways finally the headache passed after drinking coffee. I never want to return to San Antonio. I am becoming too fragile and I hate it. what the hell. Ugh forcing myself to the gym in the hopes of being able to handle stairs. I can walk long distances through the heat but stairs kill me.

[bloggingthingsidk]

Ugh woke up, ran into naked BIL in bathroom. Waited for him to be done so I could shit. He starts ordering me a bunch of commands I could not process. FUCK YOU I JUST WOKE UP I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENING AND JUST WANT TO SHIT. I ended up with a migraine from all the noises. Anyways I go home today. Packing was a fucking pain. I was out of breath at the bottom of the stairs. My sis was nice and said I could wait in the car. I wanted to help and continued bringing my shit down the stairs then nearly collapsed. Decided to wait in the car since everything is in the car already. BIL was butt naked not helping with anything other than bossing me around.

[bloggingthingsidk]

Today I learned that my sis' and James were very glad I was here when the maintenance workers were here and creating messes. That was so nice to hear they were glad I was here. I want to cry. I also learned from one of my sis's neighbors that a person with expensive musical equipment were left with a HUGE mess and their door unlocked which understandably sent the poor guy into a rage. All of this appreciation is nice and the event was so unexpected but I feel less awful now for my stay here.

[bloggingthingsidk]

Cooked dinner for everyone. Tofu cubes, spinach leaves, zucchini slices, sliced russet potatoes, frozen broccoli/cauliflower/carrots, couscous with dried veggies, hot curry cubes. I worried it would be too spicy for James and added coconut milk into the mix.

My stomach hurts so bad it feels like I was punched hard and can’t really breathe. Sometimes I find myself coughing. My back is also killing me. I shut off the stove after I finished cooking so I can lay down. I hate feeling so tired all the time. I lack the energy to even watch YouTube videos on my laptop anymore. I just… changed? I can’t ever focus on anything. I look back at my past self and kind of… get depressed that I am no longer like that anymore. I am just extremely quiet, dead inside, alone all the time because I can’t manage friendships or anything because of how dead I feel — both figuratively and literally. I’m just a husk of my former self.

Ugh another coughing fit. At least— GAWD DAMN IT AGAIN SOMEONE AT DOOR WHHHHY I JUST want to lay down please don’t be the workers again that kept leaving the doors opened and unlocked and left a huge mess I had to clean up.

[bloggingthingsidk]

Woke up today in agony. My back hurt like hell and I had severe abdominal pain. Probably from all the crap and mess I had to pick up yesterday after the workers left. Ugh. So heavy.

Thankfully it passed. I threw up water? Lots of it. I tried to keep the vomiting quiet so my sister won’t get angry/annoyed at me. I guess I drank water too fast or the pain killers I took had adverse reaction to my stomach.

I think… maybe today I will take it easy for once and just lay in bed staring at the ceiling. No cleaning, no cooking, no thinking (will try my best with that), just lay here.

[bloggingthingsidk]

09/07/22

Today was so tiring. I got up. Went to clean the kitchen. Suddenly loud banging at the front door. Got a notice that workers will be working and entering the apartment. An hour later, they entered and made a huge mess, noises, kept leaving the door wide open, kept exiting for long while then returned repeatedly. Just when I thought they were done, they returned. This lasted about four to five hours. I needed to keep a watch on my sister's cats. After they left, I decided to pick up the mess they left behind which wore me out. I laid down to nap. Realized I was curled up into a ball then remembered "oh, yeah, I feel sickeningly depressed and alone in this world." Attempted to nap but then kept having horrid thoughts and images flash through my head scaring me awake. Ugh. I can't get any peace. Today's, this horrid realization that I was once a baby and exited my mom. Hard to explain. Birth? Life? I don't know. it just disturbed me. Another, the depressing concept of death. I hate realizing all the time that's gone by. Another flash, all the problems my ex caused me. I wake up abruptly even more exhausted. I hate it. Attempted once again to nap because I'm so tired, but then some creepy scenario was playing in my head that I can't remember. Thankfully my sis' called and asked if I wanted to go to Willies. I forced myself to smile because I LOVE THAT AND I AM GLAD and that was very nice of her to want to take me there after such a stressful day and the crappy attempts at trying to nap and rest. I hate when I'm reminded that my brain isn't... mentally sound. It's disturbed and it randomly pops up interfering with my daily life and I hate it. Willie's Bar and Grill is my favorite place to go. It has cheap three-dollar margaritas and is just nice. Wish we had that down in the valley.

[bloggingthingsidk]

ugh being here in San Antonio has been hell. Elevation levels screwing with my head which I guess explains why I was messed up last year and thought it was just booze or something even on days I wasn't drinking. My BIL constantly insults me or is rude and makes me feel lesser than. It’s been stressful and triggered disorders that I had finally mostly overcome. I can tell he quietly dislikes me but won't outwardly state it. Understandable though. I don't like me either.

BUT on the positive side, I suppose maybe I needed this to get a break from my toxic parents and from the anxiety of money-related crap I’ve been dealing with all year. A break from one hell to deal with another kind of hell. I finally have some peace today. My sis' and BIL are out. They've been here for four days. I love and care about them and I am so glad they had days off, but I fear I'm being too much for them. Plus, I got really annoyed Saturday when BIL loudly said "SUN'S UP SO I'M UP" waking me up. I just don't want to be awake and don't see a point to being awake. We didn't even do anything that day. Not that I minded since it was a nice quiet day and it rained. I spent the day just watching videos on my phone. Anyways, I felt relieved not feeling stressed out being in their presence for a couple hours. They return back in an hour.

Today woke up with a bad headache that won't go away. Last night we went to my sis's own standup show that is located in a section of San Antonio that is on a hill meaning extremely high up. My ears kept hurting. I also made the mistake of trying a pumpkin spice martini. It contained milk and made me feel sick. Also I realized that I'll never make it in showbiz like my sis'. I don't have any friends and I have too much anxiety. I was in awe at her huge circle of comedian connections and the fact she hosts her own shows now every Monday night inviting other comedians to attend. That's amazing and I am proud of her. I wish I could obtain such things. I felt left out when I was the only one sitting in a corner as everyone chatted. I did attempt to socialize but I can tell no one really likes me so I just sat quietly and played Pokemon Go to pretend I wasn't there.

This weekend I get to go back home. Ugh, back to my dad banging at my door every freaking hour. I think I'm going to spend my time in the mornings heading to the gym. Today I tried taking the trash out and couldn't even lift the bag. It was a huge pain taking it down the stairs. There are no wheels so I could create a makeshift transportation device and I'm too tired to attempt creating anything so I just dragged it. LIFTING IT into the trashcan was also hell and hurt my back. I fell over. why. the sun was also stabbing at my skin. at least i cleaned/organized my section in the living room where I've been staying and snapped receipts for points and cleaned the kitchen. well anyways, here's a post.

[bloggingthingsidk]

taking a fucking vacation from stress

august 22 2022 - holy shit. been entirely stressed the hell out. i was unsure if staying with my sis' and brother-in-law over in San Antonio five hours away from home would be a good idea or bad idea. I worry they secretly hate me. today i am avoiding looking at my freaking credit card bill. i am also avoiding anything that might cause me stress such as remembering all the crap i'm dealing with in my life. currently started cooking curry for my sis' and BIL. just going to avoid thinking much.