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As a person who has been working from home for the last six months, my life was not that much changed when Governments around the world announced lockdown a few months back due to the global pandemic. Instead, I was quite intrigued by the idea that now I could share my dilemmas with my friends, and they would understand the challenges I face while working from home.

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The global pandemic has influenced us to redefine our psychology with newly-discovered theories as a form of coping mechanism.

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We have been so accustomed to our life in quarantine, that it feels quite surreal now to return to what we once called normal. Although the lock-down is eventually going to get lifted in our country, we can expect some changes in different aspects of our life. From jobs to industries, healthcare, society, academics, and traveling, we are going to face some major difficulties while adjusting to the new normal.

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Opinion | Psychology of Unhealthy Relationships

Why we stay in our relationships is a trick question. Some stay for love, some for the affection they get from their partner, some merely stay because they do not have anywhere else to go, and some stay for addiction.

Yes. One of the primary reasons most people stay in unhealthy relationships is because they are addicted to the presence of their partners. To understand the psychology of individuals who choose to stay in toxic relationships, knowingly or unknowingly, we must first divulge into what is an unhealthy relationship?

What are unhealthy relationships?

For a general definition, unhealthy relationships are the ones where we are not able to express our real selves to our partner. We tend to hide things, our personality, our needs, our vulnerabilities, and we totally become an entity that would be ‘liked’ by our partner; but most of the time, when we deviate from that happy picture we create for ourselves, all hell breaks loose.

Staying in an unhealthy relationship is never a choice. We often ignore the obvious signs of being in a toxic relationship, or we tend to normalize the situation we are in. We get so accustomed to our life we lead with our toxic partner, that sometimes, we miss the chaos.

Human psychology tends to latch itself to feelings or gestures, which make one feel protected. We make decisions in our lives based on the repercussions of our childhood memories. Rachel Pace, an expert on relationships, believes that our tendency to stay in unhealthy relationships is rooted in unresolved issues of the past.

Most of the unhealthy relationships are unbalanced in terms of love, devotion, and affection. It is because while a person is okay with not giving an adequate amount of time to his/her partner, another person ALWAYS tends to feel guilty because of their actions.

Inferiority complex, or a lack of confidence, whatever you call it, it latches into our personality and makes us feel invaluable in front of our partners. Over time, with the growth of resentment and a feeling of inequality, we tend to make our relationship more toxic, without even realizing that maybe the problem lies with us, or maybe we are equally responsible for our condition.

Our thoughts and impulsive emotions guide us through such troubled times, and we forget to judge what is right and what is wrong. We are easily guided by a feeling of guilt 24×7, and most of the time, our partner takes advantage of such a scenario.

Lack of confidence can play a major negative factor in all relationships. It makes us more dependent on our partners. We tend to look up to them for validation. Our priorities are clouded by their opinions. And that is why we get easily manipulated to choose options that go against our principles or ethics. And that pushes us into feeling more guilty. Do you see it? It is like a never-ending cycle.

The psychology behind choosing to stay in this continuous loop of hell is sometimes our lack of trust within ourselves. Modern relationships are so quick; we do not take the time to understand ourselves, before jumping onto the next relationships after a breakup. We try to look at ourselves from a stranger’s perspective and take it as the truth. We get so attached to a person for validation and support that we always feel that we must be with them to be deserving of life.

We forget that life is a much broader aspect and that romantic relationships only play a part in it. Our relationships do not define us, but how it shapes us, how we grow with our partner’s support, that is what helps us evolve into a better version of ourselves. Being stuck to the past or constantly trying to work on a jigsaw puzzle whose pieces were never meant to be together, is a waste of time. The sooner we understand this, the better.

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In times of social distancing, true feelings are blooming for the right causes. Read ahead to know how the pandemic has brought us closer.

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According to PsychologyToday, the psychological reason behind finding your partner more attractive than you is the simple case of being in love. When you find an individual charming, attractive, good-looking, and physically appealing, the underlying reason can be good-old puppy love or a real connection formed at the start of a relationship. Whatever may be the reason, we know that it is tough to accept that an attractive person is actually attracted to a potato-like you.

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This is an open letter to Sunny Leone. Check out more open letters to Bollywood celebrities posted every week.

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SUNNY, YOU’RE MORE THAN JUST BABY DOLL

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SUNNY, YOU’RE MORE THAN JUST BABY DOLL

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Why giving space is the key to a happy relationship

Psychologists believe that the aspect of being clingy to our partner is heavily determined by our attachment traits acquired during our upbringing. If we grow up while being dependent on our family for the smallest of things, we would be more inclined towards expecting our partners to adhere to our whims and wishes. 

 In this process, we often forget that relationships are not meant to hold each other down but to help your partner evolve in the best way possible. Learning to be apart from your partner and giving them their space to breathe in a relationship is crucial to create a sense of understanding and maturity. 

 Is it normal to need space in a relationship?

 It is completely normal if you wish to spend some time apart from your partner. A lack of space can instill a feeling of helplessness because you can’t feel your individuality anymore. 

 Couples in most healthy relationships make sure to take out time for themselves, to indulge in their own hobbies. It might get argumentative if you force your partner into spending time with you against their wishes while being extra inquisitive about everything they do. 

 While indulging in highs of love and intimacy, we often forget ways to find time for ourselves. The importance of personal space in a relationship can be manifold. Couples need space so that they don’t smother their partner with exaggerated love or affection. 

 We all have our own world with a set of interests, friends, and activities that we like to do. And most of the time, they might not be compatible with the liking of our partner. 

 Taking time apart from your partner promotes individuality and helps to keep the spark alive in a relationship. Disconnecting with your partner for a brief moment can help you to connect with them later on a broader, emotional level.  

 A primary reason why modern relationships lack any form of privacy or space is the absence of trust and partners being interdependent on each other. Being independent of your partner promotes independence and trust, rather than trust issues or clinginess. 

Psychologists believe that the aspect of being clingy to our partner is heavily determined by our attachment traits acquired during our upbringing. If we grow up while being dependent on our family for the smallest of things, we would be more inclined towards expecting our partners to adhere to our whims and wishes. 

 In this process, we often forget that relationships are not meant to hold each other down but to help your partner evolve in the best way possible. Learning to be apart from your partner and giving them their space to breathe in a relationship is crucial to create a sense of understanding and maturity. 

 Is it normal to need space in a relationship?

 It is completely normal if you wish to spend some time apart from your partner. A lack of space can instill a feeling of helplessness because you can’t feel your individuality anymore. 

 Couples in most healthy relationships make sure to take out time for themselves, to indulge in their own hobbies. It might get argumentative if you force your partner into spending time with you against their wishes while being extra inquisitive about everything they do. 

Sometimes, giving space to your partner amidst argumentative days can keep your relationship away from the breaking point. The silence shared between you two doesn’t have to mean a lack of connection; on the contrary, being able to spend quality alone time is a sign of true maturity. 

 Of course, having space in a relationship has both good and bad aspects. By spending time apart, you learn to value and appreciate your partner more, and reconciliation feels all the more exciting after moments of solitude. 

 However, too much of it can make couples grow apart and lack intimacy over time. Giving your partner emotional space in a relationship is a sign of commitment, which is a healthy trait of long-term relationships. 

 So, how can we practice giving space to our partner?

 For starters, both of you have to be on the same page. It is important to be comfortable about giving space to your partner from both sides. Creating unnecessary arguments or making your partner feel guilty for wanting some privacy can create negative repercussions. 

Dr. Jonathan Bennet clearly advocates against taunting or demeaning your partner if they wish to spend the evening amidst their work or go out with their friends to hangout. He believes that there is a subtle art towards asking for space from your partner without worrying them and that it should be a joint effort from both sides. 

 Let your partner concentrate on their work if they wish to. The same applies to gaming or video calling. You should understand that these are all personal aspects of your partner’s life, and wanting to be a part of his/her personal moments may result in them feeling suffocated. 

 Sometimes, just listen. We do not need advice or guidance every time we go up to our partner and share our problems with them. It feels good if someone just listens to our words and doesn’t create judgments of their own. 

 Learn the fine line between dependence and interdependence. Most couples grow fonder of each other in long-term relationships, and they get comfortable spending time with each other while sharing the same hobbies. 

 However, for new relationships or people who have just started dating, getting codependent on your partner from the get-go doesn’t send out the right message. You would need to showcase your individuality to your partner to make them fall in love with you more every day. Being interdependent promotes trust and companionship, but being dependent solely on your partner can showcase a sense of insecurity. 

 At the end of the end, it all depends on how ready you are to trust your partner and give them the personal emotional space we all are in need of. Till next time.  

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What it feels like to be privileged during the COVID-19 pandemic

I am typing away my new blog on my laptop while sitting in an air-conditioned room and hearing news from the other room about the latest casualties due to coronavirus in my country. Am I privileged? Yes. Am I saddened by the COVID-19 situation the world is going through? Yes. But what can I do about it? Staying away from everyone, apparently.  

Dire times need kindness and affection from everyone, but the coronavirus pandemic is asking humans to distance themselves from others and live life alone. With no idea about the future, people have been asked to fend themselves by most governments, and each day feels like a war for many. But not for a certain class of the society who are witnessing the world crumble around them through their LCD Smart TV screens. The privileged are exempted from worrying about food, living situations in war-torn countries, losing their job, or the fighting coronavirus on the frontlines. 

Who are the privileged in this pandemic?

The impact of COVID-19 is being felt differently by different classes of society. History has shown how pandemics like the bubonic plague or cholera both influence and get influenced by social, economic, and political factors of the country. 

The COVID-19 is a direct threat to people belonging to marginalized communities, especially in under-developed countries that have a low human development index (HDI). On the other hand, the privileged are updated about awareness regarding the pandemic, have access to basic healthcare, won’t have to worry about paying bills because of a sustainable amount in savings, and most importantly, don’t fear death from hunger. 

The millennials and the Gen Z, who have no idea of what a pandemic is, believe themselves to be protected from the virus, thanks to their hoarding up of essential supplies like sanitizers, masks, hand gloves, and toilet paper, just in time, to enjoy a long quarantine “vacation.” In the words of Dr. Bruce Aylward, senior adviser to the Director-General of WHO, “there’s this sense of invulnerability among millennials.” 

The COVID-19 virus doesn’t affect people based on their caste, creed, status, or culture, but the privileged are the only ones who have a chance at fighting it. 

Difference in problems faced during the COVID-19 pandemic

The problems which one would face during the COVID-19 pandemic heavily depend upon in which world you live in. If you are thinking about what to choose for dinner today or which friend to catch up with over Zoom, then your list of worries is not that long. 

Apparently, the privilege of idealizing the coronavirus is trending over social media now. Thousands of memes are being shared by people on how the pandemic is the wrath of Mother Earth. That the situation just needs time to heal, and everything will be back to normal once the summer sets in. 

While it may sound effortless to assume such scenarios from your iPhone, we are on the verge of mass starvation and panic if the virus persists. Governments are doing their best to contain the virus with country-wide lockdown and rampant testing, but people who are affected the most are not being heard because guess what, they don’t use social media.  

Differences between classes of society

The necessities of life are not evenly distributed among the different classes of society. While the privileged can indulge in isolating in luxurious homes, boosting immunity with organic, costly food choices, sanitizing their surroundings, and working from home, the poor and the marginalized are exempted from the basic standards of living. 

As a person who belongs to a well-to-do family, affording healthcare, or even private testing of COVID-19 is a boon. The stark difference between the two worlds is astonishing. While people are stranded in foreign lands, rationing food, and waiting for the virus to end to go back home, we are busy writing blogs and poems about how this virus will end, and the world will become a better place. While 5% of the world is busy in reinventing themselves in this isolation period, the other 95% is struggling to live. 

 However, not all is lost, and not everything is in vain. People are trying to connect over digital platforms to fight the anxiousness of staying in isolation. The uncertainty of the end of the pandemic is bringing people together in times of despair. Various organizations are dedicating their time towards helping the marginalized and poor, which does show a sliver of hope in humanity. Governments are taking stern decisions to contain the pandemic and its adversities and save the economy from months of recession, which is yet to come. Only time will tell how many we will lose because of pandemic or hunger. 

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Signs we overlook in a new relationship - Is your ship going to sail or sink?

Ah! The bliss of new-found love. We fall in love with a person, and that seems to be euphoric. The beginning of a new relationship seems to be always beautiful, but we often overlook the red flags in our partner and give them the benefit of the doubt.  The biggest mistake we can make in an early relationship is thinking that with time, things will change. Arguments and problems eventually pile up, and we are left with resentment and an unhealthy relationship.

According to Dr. Guy Winch, we refrain ourselves from looking beyond the excitement of a new relationship, we do not assess the behavioral pattern of our partner, and fail to address potential problems in their infancy. However, to be able to nip an unhealthy relationship in the bud, we have to know about the signs of a failing relationship.

Here are 5 relationship issues in the beginning, which we often overlook:2

Communication problems

Not being able to communicate with your partner, that too during the early stages of a relationship is a big red flag. It is a sign that maybe you guys do not have anything in common, or you don’t feel comfortable or vulnerable enough with your partner, and that stops you from putting your heart out. 

The inability to communicate creates huge misjudgments and miscommunication, and eventually, our thoughts pile up, waiting to be unleashed someday. 

        2.Not all opposites attract

When we actually use the phrase that opposites attract, well, that is not 100% true in case of long-term successful relationships. While it feels great when you and your partner have nothing in common and can share your worlds with each other, having NOTHING IN COMMON also makes you wonder whether I fell in love with someone who doesn’t like what I like. 

Overtime, the difference of opinions, different spending habits, different world views, the inability to discuss and come to the same conclusion, it creates a sense of loneliness for you in your own relationship. When our partners should actually be our best friend, and not being able to showcase your true self in front of them is unfortunate. 

              3.Who is in control of the relationship?

I believe that every relationship needs to have a dominant factor. And by dominant, I mean someone who will lead ahead with the decisions and be the support system to the relationship. 

Remember, to lead and make all the decisions are two separate things. The subtle ways your partner can be controlling in an early relationship is making all the decisions, refraining you from meeting your friends, trying to enable you to do things which you haven’t tried before or are afraid to, asking you to change your perspective and being critical over your every action.

You wouldn’t want someone to make all your decisions, rather a healthy discussion and great communication can work wonders. Being demanding or controlling in a relationship suppresses the other individual, and the absence of equality can promote a sense of defeat, failure, and lack of confidence.

            4.No sexual chemistry

The perfect balance of physical and emotional connection, especially in a new relationship, can take your love to the next level. We often get mentally attracted to someone, but we miss that spark in bed. A major reason behind this is not able to feel comfortable with your body in front of your new partner or your insecurities in bed, just cropping up before the action. 

Not being able to communicate to your partner what you actually want or the lack of interest between two people are early signs of a failing relationship. Maybe the vibes don’t match, or you are new to the physical stage; feeling comfortable around your partner will slowly unwind you and bring the best out of you. 

              5.When our past creeps in

When you are starting a new relationship, the first thing you need to do is let go of your former flame and be clean to your partner about your past. Nobody would like to suddenly know later in the relationship that you have been a lover-boy or the national crush of your high-school.

These things do seem small, but when a person is investing themselves in a new relationship, they would expect you to share about your life, and that includes your past relationships. 

This creates a sense of trust and also gives your partner insight into how your dating timeline is and what he/she can expect from you. 

 However, it is equally important from new couples not to fret over what has already happened. Maybe she is your first girlfriend, and you are her fourth, but that shouldn’t create trust issues in the new path that you both have decided to take together. You can have an idea of the past, but we should never forget to concentrate on what we have rather than what we had. 

If you eventually overcome these initial hiccups in a relationship, I can guarantee you that you have the chance of being in a long-term relationship, built with honesty, trust, value, and communication. Remember, it doesn’t always have to work out, but we can always give our best and hope for the same from our partner. Till next time.

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Top 4 Questions People Have About Dating and Relationships

Depends on which stage you are in. If he is taking you out on dates and bringing you flowers, welcome to the world of illusion. 

On the other hand, if it takes you guys two hours to decide where to eat and what to eat, then congratulations, you are in love. This can be boring, but that’s the essence of it. The beauty is in the silence shared between you two, and the excitement is in dancing throughout the evening. Try to enjoy both.

It feels so cliche to discuss your relationship problems in today’s generation of Tinder and Grindr. Like, yes, we get it, you guys are having problems. Easiest way out? Just BREAK UP! Simple. Well, that is how it usually operates now, isn’t it?

But for us old-schoolers out there who still believe in giving love another chance, we hold on so tightly to the idea of having a happily ever after that we often forget to talk it out and discuss. No relationship is perfect, especially if you are in your nth argument, and you don’t even remember what you guys started arguing about in the first place. That’s how used-to you guys are now with each other, and that’s how it is supposed to be. And that brings me to my first question in this dating and relationship advice forum. 

Are relationships supposed to be boring?

Depends on which stage you are in. If he is taking you out on dates and bringing you flowers, welcome to the world of illusion. 

On the other hand, if it takes you guys two hours to decide where to eat and what to eat, then congratulations, you are in love. This can be boring, but that’s the essence of it. The beauty is in the silence shared between you two, and the excitement is in dancing throughout the evening. Try to enjoy both.

How can I communicate better with my partner?

The best solution for communication problems in relationships is not talking at all. And no, I am not joking. You need to understand the variations in your partner’s moods; try to assess the correct time to approach him or the proper way to talk to her. Remember, it is really not about the things you say, but the way you say it and when. If you can cut the tension with a knife, it is better to steer clear of the situation and just play some PUBG for a while. Let her calm down. Maybe she is hungry. Let her process things. Slowly pace around to inspect the mood, and start listening. If you don’t listen properly, you will never understand what to say to your partner (and potentially win the fight, just saying).

I have trust issues with my partner, and I don’t know why. What to do?

By next level, I can’t figure out which level you are actually on. So, I am going to fill up about all the levels, just because I want to. This is one of the most controversial relationship questions because each reason differs for different couples. No two reasons are the same; thus, no two solutions are equal. If you guys are dating, and he is just not telling those three special words, maybe you need to say it first. People often get so comfortable in the dating scenario that they do not intend to dive deep into the next stage of commitment. Or it can be the mere case of “Who should say it first?”

For couples who are in committed relationships and have been fantasizing about erotic scenarios over Whatsapp, but if it just fizzles out at the exact moment of action, then, my friend, it is the curious case of “no physical attraction.” As humans, we are often in love with the essence of a person, we fantasize about them in a million ways, but some things look more beautiful if you stand afar, and it just doesn’t feel right in reality, for example, beholding the Mona Lisa.  

I’ll be discussing the in-depth solutions to such situations later in a separate blog, but for now, I can only say, just ask. Feeling comfortable is the most essential thing in any relationship, and that is one thing you should always make sure for your partner. 

These were some normal relationship issues which we witness every day in our lives, or are a part of. Whatever may the question be, the solutions are always going to be different for each, as no one else would know your partner better, other than you. I’ll be back next week with some early relationship problems, and we will be discussing why it is essential to give space to your partner. Till next time.

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Facebook and Relationships: An Introduction to Modern Love

Does social media destroy relationships? Only if you know how to use it well. Now, come on, most of the millennial love stories have their roots in social media DMs. So we can’t COMPLETELY blame social media for all our relationship problems. It was okay when you guys used to flaunt your relationships and get love-reacts over cute photos, but now all of a sudden, Facebook is the one who is killing your love? Nah. That’s unfair to assume.

Maybe there’s something else we should look into. Maybe the problem is trust issues, lack of communication, miscommunication, impatience, anxiety, and the sole fact that perhaps you are just jealous of your partner’s popularity. Come on, admit it. Perks of dating someone who is more attractive than you (Now that’s for some other time).

But we just can’t give a clean chit to social media platforms, do we? Remember, the website is not ruining your relationship, but everything related to it is. Confusing? Let’s dive into the top 3 problems we face in our relationships due to social media.

Yes. We get it. You are a couple.

So, how exactly does social media destroy relationships? It is because we let it do so. Our generation is so engrossed over getting the certification from our peers and friends that “Yes, you guys look cute together,” 

that we often forget that these are all words for social gratification, and they mean nothing. Getting riled up over whether you guys are photogenic as a couple and flaunting it EVERYDAY is exhausting, even for your followers. So, stop counting the likes on pictures, because eventually, it will go down.

     2. Social media and friendships

Now, as an individual who has got like 5 good friends due to the ever-popular “People You May Know” section, I can vouch for the fact that * sometimes * friendships and connections formed over social media platforms turn out to be real, and we need to thank technology for letting us find our buddies with whom we can binge watch Money Heist.

But we often let the doubts creep into our personal lives, and we are questioned about our friendships by our partners. Now, I do not know whether you have a boyfriend while still having a crush on this guy who friend-zoned you, but is it essential to evaluate the importance of one over the other. It can get confusing while you are young, and it may turn out to be a learning curve one day (which it should), but it is better to be safe than sorry.

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       3.Trust issues All my friends know that the thing which I dread most in social media apps is that green “online” button. It is so tough to make your partner understand that you were just feeding your cat and binge-watching Breaking Bad, while Facebook was showing you online for 10 HOURS. Facebook damages relationships because we criticize every small action of our partners. From accepting friend requests, which apparently, we should not have (learned that the hard way), to tagging someone or commenting somewhere which later turned out to be blasphemy, we just can’t understand what’s the right approach while using social media. But the cloud-solution to all of this is, just chill. Do not fret over small issues and trust your partner. There is a reason he chose you, and that can be your humor, your movie collection, or just the fact that you make him smile. The list is long, but there is more to come. Nowadays, we believe that social media and cheating go hand in hand and that the impact of technology is going to open new facets for long-distance relationships. But at the end of the day, we are what we think, what we consume, what we witness. If your Facebook addiction is ruining your relationship, then I guess it is time for you to reevaluate your choices. For the next few weeks, we are going to dive into how different social media apps affect our friendships and what is the status between coronavirus and relationships. We must remember that there are benefits of social media in relationships, and at the end of the day, all we need to learn is how to be romantic. Till next time.