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blognoahidea-blog · 8 years ago

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I breath, every breath stings as if I’m swallowing a cup full of splinters. Six miles, only two more to go. I round Gales Creek Road and stop at the intersection debating….should I? It’s been a month since the last time I last walked to your house. A part of me is pulling me to cross the street, although I wouldn’t actually see you, I’d see the external crust of the walls that used to be the destination of my everyday commute. The funny thing is that it would be close enough, that’d be the closest I’d be to you, even if thirty feet of drywall and air was what separated us. I look both ways waiting for a break in traffic to be able to cross. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this. Rain pours down my face as every step I take allows more and more water to seep into my shoes. These next 2 minutes are going to be the longest 2 minutes of my life….I can feel it in my soul. As lights fly by, my aching legs continue their rapid pace. And there it is, I can see it...I can practically grasp the top of hill. I can feel the tears already running down my face, just seeing your house makes me miss you even more. This is it, the moment I have been dreading since that good-bye. I can feel my legs giving out as my feet fall into the memory of this familiar sidewalk. Your bedroom light is on, your dad’s truck is in the driveway. The sight of your front door breaks me. A waterfall of tears pour from every crevice in my eyes. I push on, I can’t stop, I won’t stop. Keep going. I throttle my legs, I give them all the juice I have left. I feel as if a parachute is tied to my back, no escape. I close my eyes, memories flood back to me. I’m nearly there, twenty feet. I want to stop, to knock on your door, even in my soaking wet state. I want to just see you….but no. That wouldn’t do us any good. I press on, your bedroom light is on….the waves, the waves crush my stomach like I just swallowed a ton of bricks. My body tries to keep me up as my legs whimper with a twang. I am nearly past your house, my last leg, my last push. I thrust myself forward past your house, past the stop sign, and onto the park sidewalk. I sprawl myself out on the grass. My head throbs as our past continues to flood my mind. I laid there for what felt like hours, just thinking, remembering, containing myself. I don’t remember when I got up, but I do remember my sprint home. Past your lighted bedroom window, past your dad’s truck, past the puddle you fell in on a snow day, I am nothing but a memory now. But I hope it was a memory worthwhile in your eyes. It sure as hell was my favorite.

-Noah Stolley

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blognoahidea-blog · 8 years ago

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A Crusted Shell

Barren flesh, dermatitis, and all

The normal wake up calls in life weren’t

enough

I deserve to be like this

To be the person life pushes me to be

To reach as the world states as

“Your full potential”

Have I not looked in the mirror long enough?

Maybe I fucked up too many times

As if life said

“You know what

This fucker has too many strikes

To the fire he goes”

Maybe this is what it takes

I’m shrouded in pain as my body deteriorates into nothing

I’m a flake of dust

Is that how life works?

I’m doing something wrong

But what?

My family raised me well

I’ve stayed strong

Depression has taken its toll,

On those late nights

In my waterfall of liquor

That numbed the glass shards piercing my soul

I wanted out

Sometime’s I wished I could inherit my family’s great pearl,

The c word that’s taken the lives of 80% of my own blood

I….want that pain

Well, who tf wants that pain?

Me, motherfucker

As if my physical pain would take over my emotions

Flooding in to wash my body away

I wanted the big bang

The “fuck you” to life.

We are expected to live in this world,

Plainly put,

To be a good person

Saying that makes me seem like the world’s most cliche pet

As if by fetching the ball society has thrown

Would bring me riches in treats and kibble,

But what is the point in that?

If it doesn’t mean anything to my owner

If all you are is a blanket of meat and fur,

What is the point?

What is the point if there is no love in the embrace in the one

Who calls you “man’s best friend?”

What is the point if daily life feels like a routine?

Fetch the ball, bring it back, sit, wait, fetch, and repeat

Each morning I wake up to the same feeling

Why leave this bed?

The world is a fucked up anyways

Why keep me in it to add weight to the load?

But in order to survive in a ocean of sharks

One gets up

To face the relentless gavel of a school system

That has remained unchanged since the 1850s

But this is isn’t about education, depression, or dermatitis

This is about how life isn’t all rainbows

It isn’t simple

It’s perplexed,

Problematic,

And excruciatingly painful

Life's a bitch, and the sooner we all wake up to it,

The sooner we can treat other souls equally.

We all are infected

Barren fleshed, dermatitis, and all

-Noah Stolley

#poem

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blognoahidea-blog · 8 years ago

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I Wonder

I wonder if you still think of me

I wonder if you still care

I wonder if you still remember

I wonder if you still stay awake till 5 in the morning wondering

How I was?

What I was thinking?

What I was dreaming?

And when you would see?

I wonder if you still think of us and what would have happened if we didn’t fall apart

I wonder if you still cry for the reasons you used to cry

I wonder if you still smile the way you used to smile

I wonder if you still look at those floorboards where I used to hold you

I wonder if you still use that blanket I gave you for christmas

I wonder if you’ve thrown away my notebook of cheesy love notes

I wonder if you still wear my sweater-

I remember how you used to love wearing it

I remember how you used to roll up the sleeves when it was cold

And how you used to hide your face with your hands when I’d make you smile

I wonder if you still remember how happy we were

Our walks

Our zoo trips

The dutch that I spilled all over the school hallway…

Our ice cream runs

Our water fights

Our laughs

Our tears

Those were good times, if only I knew what to do with love at the age of 16

You were my first and...I would have gladly made you my last

And I wonder…

Do you still miss me?...

Because our love was a dance floor

And the rhythm of our heartbeats was our song

Nobody told us to fall in love

But it happened

And it was a rave.

DJ, acid, the screaming fans and all

Every moment with you was sparks and earth shattering bass

Every moment I stared into your eyes, I could hear my kick drum beating

You were able to do something to me that, even today, nobody has been able to do

And god, it was so easy

It was so easy...just to fall

You were my best friend, lover, and partner in crime

I wonder why things got so complicated

Why I never was enough for the storm

Because I would have found a way to keep our dance floor dry

To keep the music playing

To keep the winds at bay

I would have done anything and everything

And it’s too late….

You’re with someone else,

Someone else is holding you at night

Someone else is wiping tears from your eyes

And making you laugh

Someone else is keeping your dance floor dry

But still….

I wonder

-Noah Stolley

#oldfreewrite

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blognoahidea-blog · 8 years ago

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if it doesn’t scare you to lose me, then you aren’t worth my time.

(via lovequotespost)

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