#oldfreewrite

[blognoahidea-blog]

I Wonder

I wonder if you still think of me

I wonder if you still care

I wonder if you still remember

I wonder if you still stay awake till 5 in the morning wondering

How I was?

What I was thinking?

What I was dreaming?

And when you would see?

I wonder if you still think of us and what would have happened if we didn’t fall apart

I wonder if you still cry for the reasons you used to cry

I wonder if you still smile the way you used to smile

I wonder if you still look at those floorboards where I used to hold you

I wonder if you still use that blanket I gave you for christmas

I wonder if you’ve thrown away my notebook of cheesy love notes

I wonder if you still wear my sweater-

I remember how you used to love wearing it

I remember how you used to roll up the sleeves when it was cold

And how you used to hide your face with your hands when I’d make you smile

I wonder if you still remember how happy we were

Our walks

Our zoo trips

The dutch that I spilled all over the school hallway…

Our ice cream runs

Our water fights

Our laughs

Our tears

Those were good times, if only I knew what to do with love at the age of 16

You were my first and...I would have gladly made you my last

And I wonder…

Do you still miss me?...

Because our love was a dance floor

And the rhythm of our heartbeats was our song

Nobody told us to fall in love

But it happened

And it was a rave.

DJ, acid, the screaming fans and all

Every moment with you was sparks and earth shattering bass

Every moment I stared into your eyes, I could hear my kick drum beating

You were able to do something to me that, even today, nobody has been able to do

And god, it was so easy

It was so easy...just to fall

You were my best friend, lover, and partner in crime

I wonder why things got so complicated

Why I never was enough for the storm

Because I would have found a way to keep our dance floor dry

To keep the music playing

To keep the winds at bay

I would have done anything and everything

And it’s too late….

You’re with someone else,

Someone else is holding you at night

Someone else is wiping tears from your eyes

And making you laugh

Someone else is keeping your dance floor dry

But still….

I wonder

  -Noah Stolley

[jadalyric]

letter to my past self.

1. Why did you stay for so long in a fake love that was so wrong? Did you need the approval of his smile so badly that you forgot your own? You gave up your soul, your spirit, your peace just to hear the words " I love you." 2. The distant markings of my scars remind me of you. You slid past the obvious, into the skeptical, throughout the lust of distrust. You made it harder for me, to even trust myself. 3. I cry for you. For the girl inside of you who was searching so badly for the love she couldn't give herself. I cry for you. On days when I doubt myself and doubt our love, I cry for you. 4. I forgive you. Your palms did not know that they were atomic bombs, awaiting to explode in your 23 year old self. You didn't know, you thought that sacrifical love was the only love and you were like a suicide bomber, with 'love' strapped to your chest and you went in, with such venom and force. Such passion. You didn't know. No one taught you the real meaning of 'love'. 5. Maybe it stemed from being left, being abandoned - those feelings of wanting. 6. You were just a flicker of a light, struggling to blaze. Your smoke almost choked the life out of you; struggling in the midst of your tears. 7. I grew to be, this woman of an elder tree, my branches finally grew stronger, wiser ... I finally touched the sky. 8. I loved you; i just didn't know how to show you. I let you down, I know... I should have been stronger, should have walked away sooner... but I was too weak, bones too brittle, now my skeletal is thicker than the marrow I allowed for you to tear at, now I am the woman I was always meant to be, lavished and believing, eyes to the sunrise, looking ahead, living in the present sense, loving without self defense.... I write these words to my past self in appreciation of who I once was and who I've grown to be. Sincerely, Me

-jadalyric

written 2011