blognonymous

[blognonymous]

something other than progress

Following a very tense holiday weekend together my husband and I finally had a chance to talk on the phone about our aforementioned situation - the fact that he thinks I have too much emotion, and I think he has too little. It wasn't a conversation that could be chalked up as a win, but I think progress was made. One of the main points I brought up was posed as a question: have I ever made him feel unloved, or like I don't care about him? His answer was no. That contrast, in comparison to how often I feel so neglected and unimportant, I think really made an impression on him. Whether his behavior is subconscious or not he needs to realize that a successful, and reciprocal, marriage requires more intention.

I understand that we're on opposite ends of the spectrum: my being constantly disappointed in the way we communicate and overcompensating for that disconnect with overpowering emotion isn't healthy either. I have turned into a nagging, overbearing bitch because I feel like I don't get results any other way. I can improve in this area as well. But at least I now know with certainty that I have cared for my husband's heart appropriately and successfully; which is what we all deserve.

[blognonymous]

sad little onion

Here's a foray into the depths of my complicated mind for you - of my many interests, Linux systems happens to be on the forefront at the moment. What can I say; I'm an onion, with many layers of complexity that include unabashed rage at the complete inability to customize any Android devices that have cost me thousands of dollars over the course of a few years. Currently I have (valid) concerns about the privacy of my information as it floats around online and gets a free ride in my pocket or purse at all times. You may be a skeptic like I once was, but just go ahead and read your privacy agreement when you sign up for Google's privacy policy, or Facebook's terms of use. It's pretty appalling what they're allowed to do with your information and how they're able to use your device at any time, without your explicit knowledge.

Anyway... Since ditching Windows and installing Linux Ubuntu on my laptop (which I am totally in love with!) I have been trying to transition to an open-source operating system on my cell phone. Ubuntu Touch and LineageOS are both free and community-maintained systems that run on most mainstream devices, and they're pretty easy to install - especially since I've got some basic Linux programming under my belt. However, I've discovered that if a phone isn't on the correct version of Android when you want to install the alternative OS, you are pretty much screwed.

For example: Google just rolled out Android 12, which has caused a slew of problems for Pixel users like myself. I hold my Pixel 3XL in very high regard, so I was severely disappointed when they rolled out this clunky, crashy, inferior update to a system that was working perfectly fine. At that moment I decided it was the final straw and I would sideload LineageOS onto my main device, which is never advised. But I was so frustrated with my phone basically being useless since the update, I thought it was worth a try.

However, the newest version of LineageOS requires that Android 11 be installed on the device in question before sideloading. This has to do with the patch that mates the Android kernel to the current version of the new OS - in layman's terms, the digital foundation that connects the hardware to the software has to be concurrent. So I navigated to Google's website, downloaded the version of Android 11 to downgrade my phone to the proper OS, and thought that things were going much too smoothly. I was right.

Turns out, even though I bought a factory unlocked phone, it was originally sold by Verizon, who has a very nasty reputation for OEM locking their phones, making them inaccessible to programmers, developers, or enthusiasts like myself. So unless I want to use the phone exactly as specified by Verizon, even though I own my phone outright and I don't even use them as a carrier anymore, I am SOL.

Now what I'm left with is a wiped phone that is running Android 12 anyway, just like before.

Which makes this complex little onion very, very sad.

[blognonymous]

missed connections

For as long as I can remember I have had an intermittent connection with my husband on a higher emotional level. I surmise this is the result of prior botched relationships and possibly childhood trauma, but after nearly a decade together it still surprises me when he shuts me out. I am very happy in my marriage, and I wouldn't want anyone to think otherwise. But when the most tender, pivotal matters of the heart and mind are involved, I hit a brick wall inside his soul.

Not only is this harmful to our relationship but it's also irreparably damaged my ego after years of my inability to navigate core issues in our marital bond. I am powerless to build a deeper understanding of his inner workings and it's incredibly harmful when trying to flesh out disagreements and misunderstandings.

I know this is a natural course of a marriage, and we are so lucky to have made it this far without any serious impasses. However, it's issues like these, when we're unable to reach a conclusion about important problems, that tear me down little by little. I am left with a feeling of unrest that I'm afraid is going to build into resentment for this unattainable emotional symbiosis.

It's not that he doesn't open up to me, because he is 100% invested in our marriage, as am I. But when it comes to instances of serious disagreement, or something that he has no particular desire to discuss, it's all stop signs. Do not pass Go, do NOT collect $200 or a positive exchange between consenting adults.

Do I suck it up and live with the fact that I'll never be able to have a constructive, trust-building conversation with him?

[blognonymous]

rain, rain, go away

I have always considered myself a person with a strong sense of self-preservation; I wouldn't call it fearful necessarily, because I am proven to be level-headed and able-bodied in situations of dire emergency. It's more like a healthy awareness of my own mortality. Tonight we experienced a storm unlike any other we've had here at the cabin before. There was a literal calm before the storm. Raindrops pattered softly on the tin roof and when I stepped outside I could hear the wind screaming through the canyon in our direction. When it finally hit it almost ripped the screen door from my hands and the towering pine trees on our property they swayed like blades of grass in the breeze - and what was my immediate reaction to this incredible force of nature? I had an overwhelming urge to take everything I hold dear and jump in the car and drive for safety. Granted, our house is very well built and even if one of the nearby 80-foot trees did come crashing down in our direction, it probably wouldn't penetrate to the bottom story, which is our main living area. Nonetheless I was jumping out of my skin when my husband needed my help to down a couple of trees that were threatening to topple on our trucks, and I was required to stand in the middle of the dancing forest with a flashlight, rain falling and thunder and lightning cracking down on our heads, ready to sprint back into the house as soon as he released me from my spotlight-bearing duties. I unabashedly retreated indoors to keep my son entertained during what will probably be a lengthy power outage. I could still hear my husband buzzing away in the forest, chainsaw blazing, bucking what downed wood he could before dinner.

Shortly thereafter my mother arrived for her obligatory monthly visit and while she’s here I will hopefully be able to knock out a large portion of chores that have been piling up in the months since my son learned how to walk - barring me from strapping him into a jumper and carrying on like I used to when he was smaller and less mobile. In particular, before he could scale barriers, open doors, and make unthinkable messes in mere seconds. Which is often amusingly ironic to me: that little Godzilla brings me more happiness than I can sometimes handle, while simultaneously pushing the limits of my sanity and self control. Ah, the joys of motherhood. Consequently my own mom came bearing Taco Bell which was the highlight of my week, if that gives you any idea of how far away we live from town.

[blognonymous]

introduction

The topics of this confessional blog may not appeal to everyone. I am a happily married heterosexual woman, 30 years of age; conservative in nature, considered an extroverted introvert. I am a full-time stay-at-home mom, although I dabble in real estate. I live in a rural area (some may consider it remote) of the Pacific Northwest. I'm sure you'll be learning a lot more about me here shortly, but I'd like you to keep in mind that I'm not here to please you. I'm here to provoke thought and in return gain constructive commentary. So if I say something you don't like and you decide to pitch a public fit about it, you can rest assured your presence on this page will be short-lived. With that I will bid you goodnight, for it is 2am and my insomnia has run its course - therefore you have served your purpose.

[blognonymous]

where I present my deepest personal thoughts for public scrutiny

I have always had the romantic notion that I could keep a personal journal and be satisfied with the deliverance of my thoughts to paper as a theraputic means. However, the cynic in me wants to know what is the point of poring all this out without opportunity for input or reflection from others? I often seek counsel from my mother and my husband, both very near and dear to me, but there are things I still wouldn't discuss with either of them, either being too inflammatory or inappropriate. At the risk of having my very soul ripped apart by internet trolls I have decided to lay it all out here for you, hopefully on a regular basis. Call it virtual therapy. Hope you have some popcorn.