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Jest A Minute (12/4/2018) from Subroto Mukherjee
Fast Farce
----------------- To show solidarity with the Dalits, some Congress men went on a fast. Only it fast turned into a laugh when a picture leaked out showing Rahul-ji's party men enjoying a hearty meal before the fast! I tell you it must have nearly driven Rahul-ji to break his own fast. I mean it must have taken all his will power not to chew out his men and bite their heads off! *** No, Thanks, No Hospital Food for Me
-------------------------------------------------- Why did Salman refuse the food served to him in jail? I guess he felt it was hospital food. Of course, here hospital food does not mean the kind of food served in hospitals. It means the kind of food that COULD SEND YOU TO A HOSPITAL! *** Bunk
----------- He said he was not drunk -- BUNK. He said he did not run his vehicle over anyone -- BUNK. He said not he but his driver was driving -- BUNK. He said it was an accident : a tyre burst, throwing his vehicle out of control -- BUNK. He said he never went poaching or shot any wildlife -- BUNK. Bunk -- bunk -- bunk. So I guess it was kind of poetic justice that the controversial star finally ended up sitting on a BUNK in a cell at the Jodhpur Central Jail. *** Bollywood Poachers
-------------------------------
The other day in UP, when a forest officer came upon an unconscious leopard, the officer carried the poor creature on his motorcycle to a hospital. But why did the leopard faint, in the first place? I am guessing the shock of the news must have been too much for the poor creature -- I mean the news that all 5 WILDLIFE POACHERS FROM BOLLYWOOD had been released!
*** In A League of Our Own
-----------------------------------
In the US, the topmost colleges rank themselves as Ivy League. On the other hand, we here in India are in a league of our own. We can, with equal pride, rank our paper-leaking educational institutions as great IVY LEAK places of learning! *** Great Scholar
--------------------- On Mahavir's birthday, the immensely learned Shashi Tharoor tweeted a picture of the Buddha. Of course, a while later, he replaced the picture with a correct one. Hey, I could not help myself, OK, but in my mind, I first pictured Tharoor-ji as a scholar with a CLOWN cap on his head -- then a little later with a thinking cap on his head. ***
The Bonds Who Rule Our Roads
----------------------------------------------
The tourism minister has hit out at the rich and famous, saying some of them are the most unruly drivers in this country. They drive as if they not only own their snazzy cars but they also own the road! In other words, they drive as if they not only have a licence to drive but, like James Bond, they also have a LICENCE TO KILL!
***
Clean Giveaway
------------------------------ A gang of Bangladeshis (who entered India as tourists) were caught robbing flats in Mumbai suburbs. The gang would target flats whose occupants were away. They'd break in, help themselves to the valuables in the flat and of course clean out the fridge. Ah ha, for our Mumbai cops, that was the FIRST BIG CLUE that those burglars were Bangladeshis/Bongs. After all, if anything, Bangladeshis/Bongs are big eaters! *** Gutter Clutter
---------------------
Heard of plogging? It's a new import from Sweden now running about Mumbai. It involves picking up litter while jogging. Right, it may slow down your jog to a creep and crawl but let me tell you it's far, far better than clogging -- choking our city drains, gutters and sewers with trash! ***
Cool it, WILL you
------------------------- The other day Will Smith went on a date with Sofia the pretty humanoid. And the update on that is this. He tried to flatter her but the cute robot was cool. She joked : "FLATTERY won't get you anywhere, try BATTERY. I run on that, you know." *** No Casting Couch Here
----------------------------------- The other day a young actress stripped in public to protest against the humiliation of the casting couch in Telugu cinema. So I take it that the casting couch is rampant out there. Well, as for our Bollywood, no casting couch here. Here, in order to be cast in a film, all a starlet has to do is give a screen test. Yeah, give a screen test in a producer/director's love nest. Of course, for the poor starlet, that could feel more like a COBRA'S NEST! *** Ugh!
---------- Did you know the HAIRY tarantula spider is a yummy delicacy in Cambodia? UGH MY GOD! OK, look, I have nothing against spiders. But UGH you know what my problem is? I hate the sight of hair in my food. *** Breathtaking Polluto
------------------------------
The US is planning to put a 7-star hotel in space to be called Arora Station. For one thing, it will offer guests a spectacular view of planet Polluto. I mean, when you gaze down at Earth from up there, that is exactly what our planet will look like -- a planet named Polluto permanently enveloped in dense clouds of air pollution! *** Pest Control
-------------------- At Lucknow airport, a passenger boarded a plane and complained about all the mosquitoes on board. The flight crew took instant action. They called pest control. Only, pest control turned out to be the airline's security staff who promptly ejected the PEST who had complained about the mosquitoes! Ha, this is why I say they should call it not the IndiGo but the IndiGOON Airlines. ***
Had I been that passenger who got thrown out, you know what I'd have done? I'd have grumbled about this airline over-loading its aircraft. I'd have complained about the aircraft carrying too many passengers -- 150 humans and 550 mosquitoes! ***
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Jest A Minute (30/3/2018) from Subroto Mukherjee
Godzilla Ka Baap-------------------------- And I used to think our Mumbai has the worst potholes in the world. The other day in Rome, a pothole in the road swallowed up a whole car! By gosh, what was the size of that pothole? Was it even a pothole -- or a Godzilla-size POT-ZILLA! *** Heaven Help Us!-------------------------- An old Chinese space station named Heavenly Palace is falling and will crash on earth. But no one is quite sure exactly when and where. In other words, Heaven only knows when Heavenly Palace will land -- and on whose head! *** Walking Is Good For Us--------------------------------- Hasin Jahan was advised by her doctor to walk. Walking, she was told, is relaxing and good for our health and well-being. And she admitted that yes, it was true that, after all her marital trauma, walking made her feel good. In fact, she said she felt great after walking away from her hubby! *** Wedding Bells Before Hell?--------------------------------------- Vijay Mallya is wedding his long-time air-hostess girlfriend, Pinky Lalwani. Sounds like a nice plan to me. Yeah, if you ask me, best to get married before heading for the sasural -- which is of course slang for prison! *** Is Amit Shah-ji enjoying too much OILY foods these days? The way his tongue SLIPPED during a recent speech, he had the opposition rolling on the floor with guffaws! *** Not Patriotic?--------------------- Those poor Oz cricketers and their ball-tampering antics with sandpaper -- OK, listen, whatever they were doing, THEY WERE DOING IT FOR THEIR COUNTRY! They were doing something patriotic! No? But too bad, too bad that their own country did them in! *** What the Hic?--------------------- What makes Rani Mukherji TICK? She can make a film CLICK with a role in which she goes HIC HIC HIC . . . ! *** Sky Is the Limit------------------------ Believe it or not, a mere cup of tea costs Rs 135 and a mere cup of coffee costs Rs 180 at the Chennai airport! Hey, hell of an airport where it's not only the aircraft that rise to the sky. So do the prices in its coffee shop. *** To be quite frank, I'd never be able to afford the beverages there. Because -- hey, I might enjoy CHAMPAGNE TASTE but I am handicapped by a STREET BUDGET. *** Counting One's Blessings------------------------------------- Lalu-ji gets 14 years in jail for his Fodder Scams! Well, at least now he can spend the time pleasurably behind bars -- counting and re-counting all the moolah he made from the scams. *** Hottie---------- Justin Bieber was seen in the intimate company of a curvy swimsuit model -- a real hottie. He promptly nicknamed her Mumbai. Oh, why so? Why name her Mumbai? Because he recalled his last visit to our city and PHEW, man, was it hot here! Same as her -- HOT HOT HOT! *** Pocket Spy------------------ Face it, your smartphone is like a satellite spy in your pocket, tracking you every second of your life, aware of everything you do, every move you make -- however intimate or private! Let me tell you, if super-spy James Bond were for real and around today, he'd be down on his knees, wringing his hands, begging, pleading with a smartphone : "Oh, please, please, little master, teach me all your tricks!" *** WHAT? Facebook is stealing our data? Hey, as far as I am concerned, no sweat. I post only jokes on Facebook. So if they steal my jokes -- the laugh is on them! *** Frankly I see a lot of 'rubbish' on Facebook. So if they are stealing 'rubbish' -- then, hey, it's a bigger joke is on them! *** Senior Citizen Farmers-------------------------------- Farmers of our Maha State recently marched into town and laid siege to the Mantralaya in order to demand certain rightful benefits. Well, to get get these benefits, they had to fill in senior citizens forms. Yeah, even the youngest farmers had to do so. Because, you see, by the time they actually get the benefits, they are quite likely to become senior citizens! *** What Happened?------------------------- Hillary-ji was in Mumbai to promote her book about why she lost to Trump-ji in the presidential election. The title of the book is What Happened? Hey, you need a whole book to BORE us on what happened when it could be summed up in two words? Yes, just two words : PUTIN HAPPENED! Putin-ji happened and poor Hillary-ji didn't even know what hit her! *** Prominent Figures----------------------------- Did Trump at one time date the likes of adult film starlets and Playboy Bunnies? NO! Come on, give that great guy some credit. But, hey, given the figures of those ladies, he did date some PROMINENT figures. *** Passing Gas-------------------- Great Britain claims Putin's agents used NERVE GAS in the heart of the UK. Oh my, where did Putin get the NERVE to do so! On the other hand, what about the clever Brits? So far, they have NOT been able to produce an iota of proof or a shred of evidence to back up their charges. All the Brits have been doing is PASSING GAS! *** Modern Kurukshetra----------------------------- In a recent speech, Rahul-ji compared the BJP to the Kauravas and the Congress to the Pandavas. I hope he knows what he is talking about. After all, at the very end of the Mahabharat, no one survived the Kurukshetra. All perished. Even the Pandavas found themselves dead and alone on the highway to the Hereafter. Only a stray dog took pity on them and gave them company on that final journey. Hey, if it comes to our politicos today, I wonder whether even a stray dog would care to accompany these self-serving opportunists anywhere! *** In the general elections next year, most opposition parties will ally together to take on the mighty BJP. Hey, even if they win and defeat the BJP, the moot question remains, will anything change for the better for us poor citizens? I doubt it. After all, as the joke goes, how many politicos does it take to change a light bulb? NONE! Forget electric bulbs, our politicos CANNOT change anything! *** OK, who will you vote for in the crucial next general election? Me? I will vote for no one. For medical reasons. I will vote for none on the grounds of my ill health.By that, I of course mean I am SICK of our politicos! *** Grand Celebs-------------------- If you recall, Rhea Pillai and Leander Paes did have a GRAND wedding. But now to all looks and appearances, they are headed for a GRAND divorce. I mean, who knows, it could be a million GRAND in alimony! *** Hey, for a champ who really knows how to swing the raquet on the tennis court, Leander has aptly raised quite a 'raquet' in this unfolding court drama. *** Run For Your Life------------------------ Recently a leopard popped up in a Mumbai suburb and the locals ran every which way. So there you are. As health experts say so rightly, running is good for your health -- yeah, especially if you can OUT-RUN wild leopards! *** Master of the Universe---------------------------------- Stephen Hawkings was an authority on Black Holes. But on his one and only visit to Mumbai in the past, even that great scientist was puzzled by the mysterious appearance and growth of black holes (potholes) in our roads! Oh, by the way, long before Elon Musk's sports car rocketed into space to roam the universe, Stephen Hawkings did something far more spectacular -- he trawled the universe including its mysterious Black Holes -- SITTING IN HIS WHEEL-CHAR! *** Jumping Jerk?---------------------- There's a star who used to be called Jumping Jack. Now, if we are to believe his cousin, Jumping Jack once acted like a Jumping Jerk --and jumped into this cousin's bed UNINVITED! *** Really Losing It-------------------------- Our Maha government is -- hold your breath -- a staggering 15,376 crores in debt! So no funds to feed the state's undernourished children in rural areas. No funds to ease the distress of its farmers. No finds for anything worthwhile. But this very Maha government has plans up splurge a whopping 23,000 crores on a useless giant statue out at sea which will benefit none! My simple question is, have they lost their MENTAL BALANCE after losing their BANK BALANCE? *** Shaken-------------- Sonia-ji threw a party that was attended by no less than 20 like-minded political parties. Like-minded because they all like the idea of a grand alliance against the BJP. But you know what? We, the voters of India, don't like that. In fact, we hate that. Given our past experience with coalition governments, we can only foresee a grand disaster : smiling allies shaking hands with one another to begin with -- only to end up shaking one another by the throat and leaving us shaking our heads in frustration! *** Not A Cooked-up Story, OK?------------------------------------- Putin says his grand-dad served as cook to both Lenin and Stalin. Let me guess. When the cooking pleased Lenin, he gave the cook full Marx. On the other hand, when Stalin hated a dish, he turned into SNARL MARX! ***
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Jest A Minute (8/3/2018) from Subroto Mukherjee
Knock Knock . . .-------------------------- His screen name is Jeetendra. But his SCREAM name is Ravi Kapoor. Scream name? Why scream name? Because an outraged cousin of his is now SCREAMING from Shimla about what he did to her -- or supposedly did to her -- 47 years ago! Poor Jeetu-ji. I can quite imagine what this is like. This is like having a nightmare which won't go away when you wake up. See, this is why I always warm : when the Past comes knocking on your door, especially if it happens to be a 47-year-old skeleton from some closet in far-away Shimla -- NEVER OPEN THE DOOR! Stay absolutely quiet indoors and pretend you are not at home. Hee hee hee. *** You know what Jeetu-ji should done long ago? He should be sent his dear cousin a gift : a gift that looks like lipstick but is actually a glue stick. Hey, at least that's what I'd have done -- to keep her lips glued together, stuck fast and sealed. *** Getting My Goat------------------------- Pappon got carried away, smooched a child on a TV show and was promptly rewarded for that : he was unceremoniously evicted from the show. No, the child or her parents did not exactly mind. They took it as Pappon's impulsive show of affection for a gifted child. But let me tell you, if I were that kid, I'd mind. If some scruffy-looking dude with shaggy hair and a GOATEE kissed me, I'd mind like hell. Because it would make feel that I was being kissed by a goat! *** Fervent Prayers----------------------- A big welcome to the French President Emmanuel Macron. On his trip here, Macron-ji will take a cruise with Modi-ji on the Ganga. I am sure the sight and sounds of of all the holy sites along this great holy river will induce in Mr Macron deep piety, spiritual fervor and PRAYERS. Well, after seeing the awfully polluted state of the Ganga, at least Mr Macros is sure to PRAY for one thing : that he won't be served fish from this river for his dinner in the evening. *** Professor Machine--------------------------- You remember Mitra? The robot that greeted Ivanka-ji and Modi-ji at a business summit in Hyderabad last year? Well, what do you know, that made-in-India humanoid will soon be teaching at a business academy in Mumbai. But no, this is not really for the first time that we will be learning from a machine. In fact, machines have been our teachers for years. For example, take the Xerox machines or photocopying machines. Guess what they have been teaching us? They have taught Bollywood how to copy everything -- you name it, everything -- from Hollywood -- ditto -- same to same -- yeah, just like Xerox copies! *** Phew, it's suddenly so damn hot in Mumbai, everyone is sweating. Even pigs, hens, goats, crows, cats and dogs. In fact, the hot dog I had for breakfast today -- even that was sweating! *** Try the Kim Jong Pizza--------------------------------- In fact, now that North Korea's Kim Jong has wised up and he is negotiating with the South Koreans, I am happy for that potato-head and his people. So much so, today I also had a Kim Jong pizza. It's so called because it's big enough to feed 10 guys like me -- or one roly-poly fatty Kim Jong-un! *** Left Behind----------------- The Left has to be the most progressive party in India. So PROGRESSIVE, it progressively lost its mass appeal, progressively lost touch with the people and went on to progressively disgrace itself, first in Bengal, now in Tripura. Living up to its name,, it sure got LEFT behind. *** Great Shakes--------------------- A big chill, an extreme winter has taken Europe by storm -- actually by snowstorm or the blizzard. Since it came howling from the East, they have nicknamed it the Beast from the East. I prefer to call it the SHAKESpeare of that Hemisphere -- the way it has left everybody SHAKING and shivering in that part of the globe. *** Pub Crawler Pol------------------------ In Bihar, a drunk politico ran over 9 poor school kids, then the politico went on the run. When this rogue politico was finally caught, the cops asked him : "How much did you drink?" Wrong question. The right question should have been : "Where do you live?" And the politico's honest answer to that should be : "Hey, is that anything to ask me? Everyone knows where I live. I practically live at the local bar!" *** You know, it's hard to decide -- really really hard to decide -- who make the worst politicos. Is it politicos who get drunk on power or politicos who get drunk on liquor? Hey, by the way, never mind how much some politicos claim to love our COUNTRY, there's something they love much more -- the COUNTRY LIQUOR! *** Cornering the Rogues------------------------------- We hear of red corner, blue corner, yellow corner, green corner notices being issued against our willful bank defaulters now absconding overseas. What we really want to know is : when the heck will we CORNER those rogues, no matter where on earth they flee and hide. Even if it means chasing them, if necessary, all the way to the North Pole -- CORNERING them there -- and feeding them to the polar bears! *** Loos and Igloos----------------------- As part of its near-future Moon mission, ISRO plans to build 'igloos' on the Moon. IG-LOOs on the Moon? Cool. Now how about us building more LOOs right here in the country? *** Lost But Not Found---------------------------- Recently President Trump proposed arming school teachers against sicko/wacko armed killers who target school students. A common reaction to this has been : has Trump lost his mind? My answer to this is NO. He has NOT LOST his mind. Because you cannot lose what you don't have. *** Real Dummies----------------------- Today you'd think any Tom, Dick-head and dishonest Hari could do it. Dupe and clean out our banks! Merrily waltz away as defaulters by routing humongous bank loans through dummy corporations set up by them. But wait a sec, who's the real DUMMY here? Certainly not these so-called dummy corporations. It's the banks that are today looking like real DUMBOS -- especially the RBI whose job as the big watchdog is to keep a sharp eye on our banks. *** Drainpipe Horror------------------------ A crocodile was recently found stuck in a drain pipe in a certain Mumbai suburb. Poor thing. I know exactly how it feels to be suck in a drain pipe. You should see the torture and struggle I have to suffer when I get stuck in my drainpipe jeans and can't get my legs out of them! ***
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Jest A Minute (23/2/2018) from Subroto Mukherjee
Anatomical Experiment--------------------------------------- So what did you do on V-Day? A couple of medical students told me they spent the day in medical studies -- doing anatomical experiments. Like what? Like lying next to each other to see how well their own anatomies could coincide! *** Swine Flew-------------------- The huge hanky-panky at the banky, the latest big fat bank scam involving jewelers, pen makers and who not -- you know how I see it? I see it as a case of swine flu. Or rather swine flew. I mean, before our authorities could detain those scheming, scamming swines, the swines flew out of the country. *** Gem of a Jeweler---------------------------- I am already scripting a thriller, a film in which our Indian agent Gems Bond goes abroad to hunt down a gem of a jeweler called Nirav Modi. Not only that. After tracking down this jeweler, our Bond hits the jeweler where it hurts the most -- in his family jewels! *** My Own Trusted Bank------------------------------------ If any greedy pig (with contacts in high places) can steal the money I keep in my trusted national bank, then this is what I will be doing now : keep my money in my own trusted bank at home -- my piggy-bank. *** Bankers and Bunkers------------------------------------ Over 1 lakh crore! Yes, this is the eye-popping amount that countless willful defaulters owe our banks. It has become a case of bankers and bunkers. Taking loans from bankers and doing a bunk abroad to hunker down in a safe bunker in some overseas tax haven. You know, we have a good laugh when some politico, bureaucrat or official gets caught with his foot in the mouth. Now it would give us the same pleasure to see such defaulters getting caught with their foot in the mouth of our watchdogs (ED, the CBI, etc). *** Serial Groom------------------------ So what else is new? Yawn-yawn-yawn, Imran Khan got married again. So I say to our own Shashi Tharoor, buck up, man, and do something or this Pakistani stud-boy/playboy will leave you behind as a serial groom. I hope this marriage lasts. I mean, going by the track record of Imran's married life, I hope this marriage lasts -- at least till the end of this month! After all, his last marriage barely lasted to the end of the honeymoon (or as I prefer to call it, the horny-moon). *** Sex Pistol!------------------- Here's Trump's great solution to crazed, armed killers barging into US schools : teachers should carry guns. What next? Kids should start packing pistols in their school bags? I suspect this idea sprang from Mr Trump's own colorful past when -- well armed -- he used to date the ladies (including porn stars and Playboy bunnies). I mean, well armed with what can be described as a sex pistol! *** Poor Innocent Trump-------------------------------- Poor Donald Trump is now playing the Donald Duck -- ducking for cover!They (Trump haters) are now really digging up his past and finding his extra-marital links to porn stars, Playboy bunnies and what not! Here is how I look at it. Did Mr Trump go out with those ladies? NO! As far as I am concerned, he just went out for a sandwich -- which is the absolute truth! (Because he got himself sandwiched between a porn star and a Playboy bunny!) *** Shame on you, Uncle------------------------------------ Today the US is the mightiest military and economic power in the world. You bet, Uncle Sam is the all-powerful Mafia Don, the Big Boss ruling over this planet as its Godfather. He can impose his will on any country, usurp the lion's share of this planet's natural resources and even merrily dump his waste on the rest of us! He can do anything, get anything and get away with anything! He can hang despots like Saddam and toss arch-enemies like Osama bin Laden to the sharks in the sea. He can stop communism in Eastern Europe and terrorism in the Mid East. He can stop anything that's against his interests and anyone who is against him. Only one thing he CANNOT stop! He cannot stop his own home-grown crazed terrorists from targeting his own poor innocent school children! *** Indo-Canada Human Traffic------------------------------------------ The Canadian First Family is here in India on a visit. A big welcome to them. Indo-Canadian ties couldn't be better than ever before. The only concern (for Canada at least) could be the one-way human traffic. I mean, given the number of Indians moving to Canada, there could soon be more Indians in Canada than in India! *** The Real Sparklers------------------------------ I tell you, the Trudeaus have to be the cutest First Family in the world. Did you see them posing for pictures at the Taj and the Akshardham Temple, spinning the charkha at Sabarmati Ashram and, best of all, rolling rotis at the Golden Temple? While in Mumbai, they met our Bollywood folks at a get-together and, guess what, they emerged as the real sparkling stars of the event, leaving our film star (even top ones from Aamir to SRK) looking like scruffy extras on a film set! *** Sunny Effects------------------------- Heard this? In AP, a farmer has installed a life-size image of Sunny Leone in his crop field. Now the crops (which were wilting and sagging before) are standing erect! And the farmer's stud-bull is fit to be tied it's getting so horny! *** Jumping Outta One's Skin------------------------------------------ Hoo boy, Bollywood's Jumping Jack is in the news after a long, long time. And for what? Ha, for jumping into the bed of (oh my God) a female relative half a century ago! Just imagine his awful fright! This skeleton from a long, forgotten past suddenly popping out of the closet must have made our poor Jumping Jack jump right out of his skin! *** Rotten State--------------------- Turns out that around 11,700 employees who got jobs with our Maha State Government did so through fake SC/ST certificates! Can you believe that? Hey, since we live in India, I SURE CAN! You know what, Hamlet knew nothing -- NOTHING -- when in that play of Shakespeare he lamented the rotten state of Denmark. 4 centuries later, he should have been around today to see the rotten state of affairs in our local state! *** Hit And Run In Space?------------------------------------- Elon Musk just sent his sporty Roadster automobile rocketing into space! Is it any wonder aliens living in far, far galaxies don't care to come anywhere near our planet, solar system or galaxy? They fear if they come anywhere near our part of the cosmos, they will get hit by the missiles we keep test-firing into the sky. Or, one minor error on someone's part and our collective stockpile of nukes will blow not only us but them poor aliens as well out of existence! And now those poor aliens have another fear. If they venture anywhere near our galaxy, they will get run over by Elon Musk's hit-and-run sports car recklessly racing though space! *** Let's Not Meet By Accident!-------------------------------------------- Pretty hair-raising stuff, you know! The other day, two airliners nearly collided over Mumbai airport! They missed each other by bare seconds! The pilot of one plane later told the pilot of the other plane : "Nice to meet you BUT NOT LIKE THIS -- IN MID AIR -- NEARLY BY ACCIDENT!" *** Bollywood's Idiots------------------------------- According to a recent piece in our local tabloid Mumbai Mirror, there are Bollywood celebs who are into black magic, voodoo and such mumbo jumbo rubbish! They use such witchcraft to cast curses on hated rivals! Also they believe it will deflect jinxes being put on them by rivals! I believe nothing could be more STUPID than being such SUPERSTITIOUS FOOLS! You know, Elon Musk is searching for intelligent life in outer space. I feel I have something in common with him. I am searching for intelligent life right here in Bollywood! *** Hard To Face Facts-------------------------------- Girls drinking beer are a concern to the Goa CM. I'd like to reassure the honorable chief minister that whisky may be RISKY but with beer, have no FEAR. *** Groovy New Drink----------------------------- And, to sign off with cheers, we hear that UP will bottle and market cow urine as a zingy new health drink! Wow! Let me tell you, this is bad news for germs and good news for us. I mean, the moment we take a sip of this fizzy new cola, all the germs in our guts will leave our body -- IN SHEER DISGUST! ***
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Jest A Minute (2/2/2018) from Subroto Mukherjee
Movie Treat-------------------- It was a treat going to see Padmaavat. Literally a treat. The film offered a taste of the spectacular. The snacks at the theater were yummy. And there was even a bonus -- the rowdy mob outside was generously offering cocktails. YIKES! It turned out to be Molotov cocktails! RUN! *** Take A Bow, Pad Man------------------------------ Originally Pad Man was to release along with Padmaavat. But Pad Man postponed its own release in a magnanimous gesture to make way for the great queen Padmavaty. In other words, here is a film about PERIODS respectfully making way for a PERIOD queen. Nice, no? *** Hospital Horror------------------------ In a horrifying tragedy, the relative of a patient was sucked into the lethal maws of an MRI machine in a Mumbai hospital! It was a freak mishap. Rarely does anyone get sucked into an hospital MRI machine this way. The way our hospitals are run these days, usually it only SUCKS all the money out of a patient's pocket. Of course, certain upscale facilities also SUCK all the bank balance and savings out of a poor patient! *** 5-Star Slum Holiday------------------------------- What is enterprise? Enterprise is spotting a business opportunity in the most unlikely places. Like offering foreign tourists a stay in a Mumbai slum! Which is exactly what some enterprising guy is doing. Offering this novelty, this incredibly unfamiliar experience to foreign tourists. So, hey, if you are an adventurous foreign tourist, for Rs 2000 a night, you can now enjoy a cramped 5-star accommodation in the maze of a typical, congested, chaotic city slum. Why am I calling it a '5-star accommodation'? Because when you are lodged at night in a loft-like quarter, that's exactly what you will see overhead through the crack in the tin or tarpaulin roof -- FIVE STARS! *** Jobless In MP------------------- In MP, graduates, post-graduates, doctorates, doctors, engineers and scientists are applying for the position of peons. I say, so what? No matter where you start, you can always move on to better things, can't you? After all, didn't a vegetable hawker in Mumbai go on to become the Maha state's deputy chief minister? Didn't a bus conductor in South India go on to become a superstar? And most impressive, didn't a tea boy in Gujarat go on to become a prime minster? *** Rotten State of Things------------------------------- Our great leader Modi-ji claims that his anti-corruption drive has driven at least 3 former chief ministers to prison! True, 3 ex-CMs are currently rotting in jail! Isn't that something? Sure is. Now how about paying a little attention to the way law and order is rotting away in at least 3 states run by the PM's own party? So much so, even a bus-load of school children are not safe from rotten rowdies! *** Rockets Ahead In Warfare------------------------------------ Recently there has been an exciting archaeological discovery -- unearthing rockets dating back to the 18th century and belonging to Tipu Sultan. Goes to show, even way back then, with what fanfare Tipu-ji celebrated Diwali! I guess Tipu-ji was the Kim Jong-un of that time, facing his enemies with rockets rattling in his pockets! *** Capital of what?------------------------ In Meerut, cops refused to take an accident victim (a boy bleeding by the roadside) to hospital in their vehicle because -- listen to this -- because all that blood would make a mess in the vehicle! Hey, Lucknow might be the capital of UP, but thanks to those cops, Meerut just earned the status of a capital. It just became the CAPITAL of APATHY and CRUELTY! You heard the phrase 'a turd-kicking town'? Well, in this town, certain turds in cop uniform sure deserve to be kicked! *** Prize Heavenly Gift------------------------------- A solid mass of something fell in Gurgaon from the sky, exciting people near by and speculations ran riot. What the hell -- or heaven -- was it? A meteor or part of a comet? A new-year present from aliens? Or a gift from the gods? Turned out the mystery object was nothing but frozen, solidified CRAP dropped from some overflying airliner! OH SHIT! Now you tell me! At least that was the reaction of those who even carried home parts of the precious heavenly body! You know, we Indians can be such religious nuts, it's a wonder that right there and then some folk did not create a shrine to this gift from God and begin mass worship! *** Shut Up, Kim--------------------- The US Government has SHUT DOWN. Yes, well and truly shut down. No work or wages for its thousands of poor public servants. Turns out the world's wealthiest and mightiest nation's pockets are as empty as its President'd head! Now one thing simply cannot be shut -- Uncle Sam's best friend Kim Jong-un and his big mouth. He is rolling on the floor roaring with laughter! *** Out of Order-------------------- A minister now says that Darwin's theory of evolution is bunk. This minister used to be a police commissioner in the past. Well, I guess -- poor guy -- part of his brain is now out of commission. *** Asteroid Alert! --------------------- Alert! Alert! Alert! A big asteroid will pass very close to the Earth next month. How close? So close that in case you are tall -- like, say, Mr Amitabh Bachchan -- then you need to WATCH YOUR HEAD outdoors! *** Hidden Talent--------------------- A top Bollywood star's farmhouse has been sealed in the government's drive against benami properties. Hey, we are talking here about a star of many great talents. He can act, emote, dance, be witty and entertain. Now we realize he had another HIDDEN talent. The talent to HIDE his assets! *** Oh Shucks, Man, Can't Shack Up There---------------------------------------------------- Jab Harry Met Sejal was such a boring film about a lost RING that by the time the film ended, the audience was ready to RING -- er -- WRING the film-maker's neck! I feel this is how the film should have unfolded. When Harry meets Sejal, he falls for her, wants to shack up with her so he sweeps her off to his Alibaug farmhouse. Only to find it sealed for being a benami property! *** Great Shakes--------------------- At one time our great leader Modi-ji was mocked for flaunting a 10-lakh suit. The other day it was Rahul-ji's turn. He was made fun of for sporting an original imported Burberry jacket worth Rs 36,000 at a public event. Come on, never mind the top-end price tag, have a heart. Have you not felt the bone-rattling chill outdoors this winter? No wonder he wrapped himself as warm and snug as a pug in a rug. Hey, fact is it's now so cold in certain parts of the country -- why, even our mountains are wearing woolens. SNOW CAPS! *** Order Order Order---------------------------- Great news for our SC and HC judges Their salaries have been doubled! I bet they are now merrily dancing and singing for joy : "Order! Order! Order! Order all the good foods and drinks! For celebrations are in ORDER!" *** Prison or Pig-pen?----------------------------- In London, a tycoon wanted here by the law is pleading not to be sent back to India because he fears he will be locked up in a jail where the livings conditions are so bad, it's UNFIT EVEN FOR PIGS! Responding to this, the jail authorities have reassured the tycoon : "Don't worry, sir. Before you arrive here, we will make sure the jail is fit for a pig like you." *** .
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Jest A Minute (19/1/2018) from Subroto Mukherjee
Go Fly A Kite------------------------ When Israeli neta-ji Netanyahu-ji announced that he was off to India, the Israeli people were of course excited and enthused, "Yaaaaaa, way to go! Have a great trip!" On the other hand, the Palestinians were snide and sarcastic, saying "Who cares? Go fly a kite!" And for once -- yes, FOR ONCE, the Israeli PM actually listened to the Palestinians. He came to India and flew a kite! *** Our Daily Feast and Fest---------------------------------- Sunday was Makar Sankranti -- our breezy, colorful Kite Festival. Of course, there are many among us who celebrate this everyday. Either they pig out, hog, feast like there's no tomorrow and get up enough wind to fly a kite! Or they booze till they are as high as kites! *** Under A Cloud--------------------- Right now Pawan Hans helicopters are under a cloud. With good reason. The statistics are damning. After all, how much worse can it get? In 7 years, as many as 36 persons flying these choppers have lost their lives. But let's be fair. There are both upside and downside to these flying machines. The downside is that they literally FALL DOWN on the job and LET DOWN the crew and passengers. The upside is that these helicopters are very law-abiding. Well, they certainly obey one law. The law of gravity! *** 'Block Busters'------------------------ OK, finally Padmavati will be releasing but as Padmavat. But even this sex change operation (from a female to a male title) by the censors has not satisfied the protesters. The censors have liberally chopped the film but the protesters are still threatening to storm theaters and chop heads. So will you be going to see the film? Not me. I don't care for 'block busters'. I mean, block-heads out to bust theaters and block films. No, I won't risk going for Padmavotty -- only to end up hiding in the potty! *** Schoolboy Smut------------------------ I love it when I read such news. Turns out, when he was a school boy, French President Emmanuel Macron wrote a smutty, naughty, erotic, very adult novel. Let me take a wild guess here. The teenage Macron was motivated by two great thinkers : one from ancient Greece, the other from ancient India. Socrates from ancient Greece taught him HOW TO THINK. And Vatsayana from India influenced him in WHAT TO THINK ABOUT! *** Gems Blunt------------------ A world leader recently referred to African nations as 'shit-hole' countries! Hey, with such GEMS dropping from his lips, I think this great leader is asking for it -- simply asking for a kick in his JEWELS from Africans! *** Rude and Crude------------------------- The other day President Trump underwent his annual medical check-up and the doctors declared that he is in excellent health. Except for two minor issues : constipation and diarrhea. A constipation of good sense and a diarrhea of insults aimed at others. *** Urban Jungle--------------------- Crocodiles are now being spotted swimming in the gutters of suburban Mumbai. And leopards are not just roaming our suburbia but even invading homes! But I say those creatures are not to blame. We are to blame for this. Hey, what else do you expect if we keep calling our beloved city an URBAN JUNGLE? Naturally, animals will come here curiously to check out this jungle. *** Discovering the Truth------------------------------- According to an erudite minister, It was NOT Newton who first discovered gravity. It was our ancient scholar Bramhabhatt the Second who actually made this discovery a thousand years ago. My theory is this. True, Pandit Bramhabhatt was first to realize the law of gravity. But later he was reborn as Newton to re-discover his own original discovery. Hey, if you accept the belief of reincarnation, you can easily explain away anything and everything. See, isn't that neat? *** Temple Politics----------------------- Rahul-ji has been in the news for temple hopping. Of late, no counting how many temples he has visited. OK, let's face it. In our country, any politico with brains knows this short-cut to mass appeal, this quickie to winning over a large community and vote-bank. And Rahul-ji does not have to be a brain surgeon to realizes the importance of TEMPLES, thanks to the grey matter between his own TEMPLES. *** Going Apes------------------ It has been observed that orangutans self-medicate themselves when they suffer aches, pains and ills. Amazing, you know, that they know which herbs, shrubs, roots or shoots to chew for whatever is ailing them. Hey, given the spike in medicine prices these days -- especially life-saving drugs -- why don't we too pick our remedies straight from Nature? YEAH, WHY NOT APE THE APES? ***
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Jest A Minute (11/1/2018) from Subroto Mukherjee
No Mahabharat at Ramayan-------------------------------------- In its on-going drive (or should I say frenzy) to crack down on illegal structures in Mumbai, the BMC recently descended on Shotgun Sinha's residential building named Ramayan. The BMC was there to tear down certain unauthorized alterations/extensions on its premises. But no, unlike what was expected, our fire-brand old Shotgun DID NOT reach for his guns and DID NOT challenge the BMC to a fire-fight. In fact, to our great disappointment, our spit-fire Shotgun docilely allowed the BMC guys to invade his home and carry out the demolitions. In other words, there was no KURUKSHETRA of MAHABHARAT at RAMAYAN. *** Oh Lordy Lordy, the Porny Lordies of UK-------------------------------------------------------- At the British House of Parliament in London, porn sites are blocked on all computers used by the MPs, the Lords and the staff. But still -- ha, what do you know -- but still, someone out there tries to access porn sites every 9 minutes! You know what that means? It means, be it India, the UK or the rest of the world, politicos are the same everywhere. Only interesting in watching others screwing -- or interested in SCREWING us! *** Lalu-ji, Chill!------------------- Poor Lalu-ji! Back in jail! And when produced before a judge, he complained to the judge that he was freezing in his new surroundings, he was chilled to the bones. The judge coolly advised the veteran politico to take up some activities to keep himself warm -- like playing the tabla. No, I doubt playing the tabla, -- and never mind how vigorously he attacks the tablas -- will warm him enough. Better to take up the bhangra dance with his fellow inmates. Or let some muscle-man masseur (there's sure to be one in jail) play the tabla on his body. That's sure to heat up those poor old bones. *** Business As Usual-------------------------- The great metropolis of Mumbai and the great ancient empire of Rome -- guess what they have in common? FIDDLING! In ancient Rome, emperor Nero fiddled while Rome burned down. In Mumbai, the BMC fiddles till some eatery in the city burns down. Then, of course, the BMC suddenly becomes all business and swings into action.putting eatery businesses out of business. Armed with its armory of earth-movers, the BMC attacks eatery businesses across the city that have been flouting the rules like nobody's business! Then again, 2 days later -- hey -- it's business as usual. *** From Conductor To Conductor------------------------------------------- Superstar Rajnikant's life has come full circle. He began his working life as a bus conductor but, thanks to a mix of luck and enterprise, he managed to drive his own destiny in a different direction and even went on to seize a pride of place for himself in the South Indian film industry.. Now I guess that humble bus conductor has set for himself the task of becoming a conductor once again. I mean, now that he has floated his own political party, he is obviously aiming for the CM's throne in future so he can conduct the affairs of his state. *** Hare Rama, What A Cockpit Drama!------------------------------------------------- In the cockpit of a jetliner, a cat-fight erupted between the male co-pilot and the female commander of the flight. He slapped her and she stomped out of the cockpit in a huff. Hey, this only goes to show how good our pilots are in flying, in landing and in taking off. I mean, IN FLYING INTO A RAGE, IN LANDING A SLAP AND IN TAKING OFF FROM THE COCKPIT! *** A Tomb To Die For--------------------------- So many tourists visited the Taj recently, it caused a stampede and nearly a riot. So now the number of visitors allowed to enter the Taj has been capped at 40,000 per day. And no more. The Taj is indeed a wonder. I mean, is it not amazing that so many people are DYING to get into this mausoleum, this tomb, this grave site! *** Leaps and Bounds-------------------------- At Bhilai zoo, some visitors were teasing a tiger. Infuriated, the tiger lunged at the barrier of its enclosure with such force, the tiger nearly crashed out! Well, lucky for those mischief-makers, they managed to flee by leaps and bounds before the tiger could bound out and leap on them! Have to say the Bhilai zoo has some nasty animals. The are called visitors! *** What a Kicker---------------------- Recently our government gifted cows to some of our boxing champs. This was done with the well-meaning intention that the cows would give milk and be an asset to our boxers. Heck, things did not quite turn out that way. The cows refused to give milk and kicked out at anyone who came near. It other words, our champion boxers ended up with cows that turned out to be champion kick-boxers! *** Duck! Duck!------------------- Kim Jong has warned that the nuclear button is always on his desk. Now a fat little tyrant who looks like a potato with a bad hair-cut is openly threatening the Great Dictator Donald and his great country!. How the tables have turned on the great US -- it's too comic for words. Except for two words. The two words I'd shout out to Dictator Donald : "DONALD! DUCK!" *** Mutton-Heads Both--------------------------- Tyrant Kim Jong-un has warned that the nuke button is always on his desk. In reply, Dictator Donald has claimed that he has a bigger N-button. And, aghast, the rest of the world is asking, are these two heads of states or a pair of juvenile mutton-heads bragging about the size of their buttons? If both deserve any button at all, it has to be something to button their big mouths. *** A Matter of Spirits---------------------------- Poor guy. Dad of Amy Winehouse says his late pop singer daughter visits him in the form of a spirit. Let me take a wild guess. The spirit appears usually after Mr Winehouse has enjoyed his favorite wine in the house. *** Shiv Shiv Shivers-------------------------------- I hear Canada is so cold this winter, even the penguins out there are shivering. Hey, let me tell you, even the penguins in our Mumbai zoo are shivering. But not from the chill. They are shivering after hearing about the arson, rasta roko and riots here! *** Going To Pot--------------------- Mike Tyson now owns a cannabis ranch in California. Cannabis, marijuana, ganja, pot, call it what you will. But let's not jump to the conclusion that Tyson has turned a pot-head and gone to pot. In fact, quite to the contrary. Now that California has legalized pot, I bet Tyson is set to make pots and pots of money. Mucho mucho moolah from the rancho. *** We the Chocosaur Monsters--------------------------------------- The cacao plant gives us cocoa and that gives us chocolates. But, by the year 2050, the cacao plant will cease to exist and chocolates will disappear from earth. In other words, at the rate we are gobbling up cocoa and chocolates -- like monstrous CHOCOSAURS -- chocolates will become extinct just like those poor monstrous dinosaurs. *** Ice Ice Not So Nice---------------------------- This winter has put the US, Canada, in fact the entire North America, in the deep freeze like never before. In fact, the weather has got so frigid out there, even those snowmen (built by kids outdoors after heavy snowfall) are knocking on nearby doors and begging to be let into the warm indoors! *** Bowled Over Again-------------------------- After multiple affairs and two/three failed marriages, stud-boy Imran Khan has proposed to another young beauty. I say to this girl -- sure, girl, go right ahead and tie the noose --er, I mean tie the knot with this STUD HORSE but, sorry,don't expect a STABLE marriage, OK? ***
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Jest A Minute (29/12/2017) from Subroto Mukherjee
So What's New? ----------------------- The Anushka-Virat wedding, of course. You must be asking, what the heck's new about it? It's been in the news for days now. Hey, that's exactly what I mean by 'new'. With one reception after another, It has turned into an event that can only be described as NEW -- the Never Ending Wedding. *** AC/DC----------- Mumbai has now introduced AC locals (in case you don't live here, locals are our local commuter trains). This has been done to give our commuters a choice. Enjoy a 5-star chill in these spanking new AC trains. Or, as usual, enjoy the sweaty 5-star sauna and 5-star full-body massage on the other DC (damn crowded) trains. *** Chicken Versus Turkeys---------------------------------- Now in Mumbai the word being spread is that turkey meat has a nice, distinctive flavor and it's tastier than chicken. So leave those poor chickens alone and go for turkey. My question is, who is spreading such talk -- the marketing people? Actually I have a sneaky suspicion it's the poor chickens! *** Awesomely Artificial--------------------------- The world's first humanoid, the sophisticated robot Sophia, is coming to town. She is a wonder of artificial intelligence. Hey, everything about her is artificial. Her looks, her body, her brain -- all artificial. And I am thinking the real fun will start when she goes shopping here in Mumbai -- with her artificial money! *** I tell you, artificial Sophia will love it here in Mumbai, our city being so full of artificial people, ladies with artificial looks, politicos who have artificial concern for us and film stars with their artificial smiles and artificial charm. *** Funny Money---------------------- In Pune, burglars broke into the home of a renowned Marathi humorist. How clever! I guess the thieves felt that robbing a funny man would be an ideal way to laugh all the way to the bank. *** Monk-eying Around With Hooch--------------------------------------------- To celebrate Christmas Eve, doctors of a Meerut hospital used their ambulances to bring in hooch for their party. So, for once, the ambulances were carrying pretty unusual patients -- an Old Monk, a guy called Johnny Walker, a dude named Jack Daniel and one Mr McDowell. *** Nuts and Bolts of Aircraft Maintenance--------------------------------------------------- While it was about to take off, an airliner's wheel came loose at Lucknow airport. Hey, I am no aviation expert but I suppose there was a nut, screw or bolt loose in the wheel. Which of course begs the question, what the heck were those maintenance engineers on the ground doing? Letting a plane take off without a thorough check! Are they nuts or do they have a screw loose in the head? *** The Dark Side---------------------- Is Jharkhand the most BACKWARD place in India? Many people out there appear to be still living in the ancient Dark Ages of witchcraft , black magic and related mumbo-jumbo bilge! Just imagine, till now as many as 183 old women out there have been accused of being witches and lynched! The culprits of course deserve the jail or worse.punishment. Then again, in a way, such wrongdoers are already in PRISON. They are prisoners of their own blind beliefs and ignorance! *** In The Big League -- er -- Leak------------------------------------------ Recently Britain built the world's largest warship but this floating colossus sprang a leak in just two weeks! Well, at one time the Brits might have been great empire builders. But I guess the same cannot be said for their ship building expertise. Given this leaky behemoth and not to forget the Titanic in the past. *** Luxury In Orbit---------------------- Russia wants to build a luxury hotel on the International Space Station. Well, if you stay at this hotel, you will enjoy one luxury for sure. The luxury of looking down at our planet engulfed in dense air pollution but not actually choking in this awful air. ***
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Jest A Minute (15/12/2017) from Subroto Mukherjee
Royal Wedding Guest-------------------------------- In MP, a tiger casually wandered into a wedding! And you thought the Anushka-Virat wedding was causing quite a buzz? Ha, imagine the thrill of receiving a tiger at your wedding! At the speed the poor groom sprang to his feet and sprinted, the tiger must have wondered whether he had landed at the wedding of Usain Bolt. In fact, the way everyone reacted, you'd think they had never seen a tiger in their lives! At the speed everyone moved, I bet the tiger had never seen so much FAST FOOD in his life! You know, sometimes a guest turns out to be quite a pest -- in fact, a royal pest. Well, this tiger turned out to be a Royal Bengal pest. Ha! And you thought it was the Anushka-Virat wedding that saw some real royal guests! *** Tribal-Style Christmas-------------------------------- In Uttarakhand, some tribals celebrated the festival of kissing. Wow, how to you like that? I love it! Men and women had the time of their lives, smooching one another. I guess that's their way of celebrating KISS-MASS! *** Maradona and Kolkata-------------------------------- Maradona is on a short trip to Kolkata. He says he LOVES the people of Kolkata. Two good reasons for that, I guess. People of Kolkata love football. Also they so love to eat, many of them even look like roly-poly footballs. *** Condemned Ads------------------------ The government has pulled certain condom ads from prime time. These adult ads feature (ha, who else!) Sunny Leone. I don't know how you pronounce her name. But let me tell you, actor Ajit of bygone Bollywood would have pronounced it perfectly -- Sunny LOIN! *** Human Chimneys------------------------ Smoky haze covered Mumbai in the morning. It could mean only one thing, I suppose : the three chronic chain-smokers of Bollywood -- Saif, SRK and Ajay Devgan must have got together for a chat session and, as usual, they were puffing away like heavy-duty factory chimneys! *** Udta Bollywood----------------------- In Mumbai, cops nabbed a major dope peddler who used to supply recreational drugs to customers in upscale suburbia -- including Bollywood celebs. Our poor showbiz junkies! How they have been laid LOW! And now how they must be looking HIGH and LOW for a new source to get HIGH! *** Welcome Step------------------------ It has happened after 35 long years. Saudi Arabia is opening up to modern times. For one thing, it has now re-opened its cinemas. A welcome STEP. In fact, if we go by the people out there, it's now nothing but countless STEPS -- all headed for the nearest cinema hall. *** Saudi going stand-out mod?-------------------------------------- Quite a radical departure from its orthodox past. Now you can perform even stand-up comedy in Saudi Arabia! No one will crack your funny-bone for cracking jokes. Hard to imagine that, till yesterday, even if you dreamed in your sleep of doing stand-up out there and poking fun at the established order, the authorities would burst into your dream and you'd wake up with handcuffs on your wrists! *** Best Sexercise!----------------------- In Bristol, UK, a woman claims she has made love with at least 20 ghosts! Wow, she is getting the best exercise in the bedroom! Or at least she is the best. When it comes to exercising the imagination. *** Plastic Surgery------------------------ The human Ken Doll is now on a visit to India. Get this -- to make himself look like a perfect male doll, this doll-obsessed dude underwent plastic surgery so many times, he is now more plastic than human. He says he loves India. No wonder he does! After all, wherever he goes, he must be seeing his beloved plastic strewn about and littered everywhere! Seriously, I think it's our country that desperately needs plastic surgery -- in fact, an all-out, massive operation -- to get rid of all our discarded plastic piling up in public places! *** Cocktail Party Over Jerusalem----------------------------------------- True to his warped ways and his knack for nuisance, Dictator Donald recognized Jerusalem as Israel's new capital. As expected, the move was greeted by Palestinians with celebrations. They promptly celebrated with cocktails -- Molotov cocktails hurled at Israeli forces! *** Quit------- Prince Harry has quit smoking. Orders from his 'new boss' --his fiancee, film star Meghan Markle. QUIT, she told him with fire in her voice. In fact, there was such fire in her command, ironically, Harry felt he could easily light a cigarette from that fire! ***
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Jest A Minute (7/12/2017) from Subroto Mukherjee
Hands Off, You Rascal!-------------------------------- The Supreme Court has given the go-ahead to start the trial of a famous/infamous, hands-on editor.. I suppose he just could not help it. This great editor was so HANDS-ON, he just could not keep his HANDS off a female colleague -- the cause for all his woes today. *** Gujarat Is Spinning---------------------------- Gujarat is now solidly into the election mode and mood. Gandhi-ji used to spin the charkha. And in Gandhi-ji's own state, all politicos (regardless of their stripes) are now spinning away. Of course, unlike Bapu, the candidates are not spinning the humble charkha. They are all spinning fancy yarns, weaving a beguiling tapestry of promises and benefits that they will bestow on the voters. *** The Padmavati Storm------------------------------ No one has a clue when Padmavati will release, if at all. But already we hear that they will also release a 3-D version of the film. When you watch the 3-D version in cinema, you will feel as if the film's battle scenes are raging right around you! People fighting right around your seat in the theater!. Hey, let me tell you, you might get the same feeling even if you watch the film's regular,non-3-D version. You might find people fighting all around you -- because some protesters have stormed the theater! *** Jumping Out Of Its Skin--------------------------------- A new species of jumping spider has been discovered in Maha state's Konkan region. I suspect this spider is a well-informed little creature. It must be aware of the monstrous crimes being committed by humans in our country these days No wonder this bug comes across as a jumping spider The moment it spots a human, this spider jumps in horror! *** Our Mathematical Leopards. They Can Multiply!----------------------------------------------------------------- Leopard population rapidly rising in Mumbai's Sanjay Gandhi National Park. Once upon a time, Sanjay Gandhi-ji had urged us to go all out for birth control. But no one gave a damn about that. No one listened to him. Now, look at the situation in his own wildlife reserve here (in the Sanjay Gandhi National Park). Even the leopards don't give a hoot for birth control. They are merrily multiplying all over the place! *** By George, Don't Gorge!---------------------------------- In just one year, there have been as many as 454 acid attacks in London! Hey, maybe it will help if they do what I do to avoid an acid attack : I steer clear of gorging myself on spicy, oily delicacies at bed-time. ***. The Perfect Mate For A Robot------------------------------------------ Sophia is a sophisticated robot created by a Hong Kong firm. This humanoid looks, acts and talks like a perfect human female! Sophia now wants to marry a suitable mechanical mate and start a family. In fact, she has expressed the desire for a hunk of a machine that looks and behaves just like an ATM -- ever ready to hand out cash to her for her shopping and everything! *** Drowning!------------------ Heart disease is the top health concern today. But medical expert predict that, in coming years, liver problems will top health issues. Yeah, looks like it. The way we NURSE martinis and cocktails these days -- literally drowning our livers in liquor -- it won't be long before we end up in NURSING homes NURSING our precious livers! *** Disgusting!------------------- We look upon Bengal as home to the finest in Bengali art and CULTURE. To us, Kolkata is a prominent hub of CULTURE. So we get the shock of our lives when we hear of a child being violated by two school teachers in Kolkata! And we wonder in which rotten petri dish these two teachers -- these two loathsome BACTERIA were CULTURED! *** Not Smart At All----------------------- Turns out that drug addiction is rampant among youngsters in certain affluent Mumbai suburbs! These kids hail from well-to-do families. They dress SMART, drive SMART, talk SMART, carry the SMARTEST phones -- but they appear to be lacking totally in SMARTS when it comes to harmful temptations like drugs. They are such dopes, falling victim to dope pushers in the street and turning into pathetic dope-heads! Please, parents, don't just blame dope sellers and police inaction for the plight of your kids. Sit with your kids, show them your affection and concern, spend quality time with them -- and instill some sense into their heads. *** Drowning!------------------ Heart disease is the top health concern today. But medical expert predict that, in coming years, liver problems will top health issues. Yeah, looks like it. The way we NURSE martinis and cocktails these days -- literally drowning our livers in liquor -- it won't be long before we end up in NURSING homes NURSING our precious livers! *** Know What's Good For You? Be A Loser------------------------------------------------------- Good news for those with type 2 diabetes. According to a new study, patients can reverse type 2 diabetes by losing weight. So, if you happen to be diabetic -- go ahead, be a LOSER! Eat right, do some form of light daily exercise but, most important, LOSE WEIGHT. Or you will have to keep seeing your doctor forever -- and lose only the weight in your wallet! *** Pizza Pie In The Sky---------------------------- The six astronauts on the International Space Station enjoyed a pizza party up there in orbit the other day. The pizza ingredients were shipped to them by a special rocket. Hey, given the cost of launching a rocket into space, you know what that means? It means we will go to ASTRONOMICAL costs even if it simply means giving our astronauts a GASTRONOMICAL treat! ***
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Jest A Minute (16/11/2017) from Subroto Mukherjee
Innocent Putin---------------------- Trump says he is convinced Putin had no hand in influencing the US presidential election. Right, he didn't. Putin had no hand in making Trump the UP President. But Putin did have a leg in the process -- a leg used to trip Hillary. *** India's Most Popular Party----------------------------------- Videos have surfaced showing Hardik Patel in the company of boozing buddies. So what's the big deal? Who doesn't booze? You know what these videos have done? They have only lifted Hardik's status as leader and made him look like a leader who belongs to the biggest party in India -- the Cocktail Party! *** Hard Work Pays-------------------------- Enterprising, no? In Mumbai, bank robbers dug a 40-feet tunnel underground to enter a bank and clean out its vault. It is said that crime does not pay. Oh yeah? Well, tell that to these bank robbers who just reaped a fortune overnight! OK, it is also said that hard work pays. Have to agree with that. After all, it does take hard work -- real hard work, days and nights of hard work -- to dig a 40-feet tunnel under the ground! *** Now these bank robbers are flush with cash and the wife of one robber asked her hubby to explain the windfall. He innocently replied, "Oh, I just withdrew some money from the bank (when it was closed for the night, of course. Hee hee hee)!" *** Hell Raisers------------------ I am clueless. Totally clueless. About the importance of queen Padmavati in our history. I am no less clueless why some people are hell-bent to raise hell over this film. Now I realize that, when I was a student, I should NOT have slept through the history classes. Which accounts for my bottomless ignorance about history. Padmavati is a historical drama. But thanks to those protesting against this film, this has now turned into quite a hysterical drama! What with protesters even threatening to torch the cinemas showing this film! But the film's makers, cast and crew are doing the right thing. Inviting people to see the film before damning it. Right, I'd have done the same thing. Request one and all to come see the film -- especially all the fire fighters from Mumbai's Fire Brigade! *** Berry Berry Good------------------------- Halle Berry was in Kerala for some ayurvedic treatment. Out in God's own country, she was introduced to the wonder berry, the Indian gooseberry called amla. And boy, this berry was so berry berry good, I bet Ms Berry gushed about how the potent tangy taste of this gooseberry gave her the goose bumps! *** The Pull of Roots--------------------------- Suddenly Rishi Kapoor has been reminded of his family roots across the border and he says he wants to visit Pakistan. Rishi-ji used to be quite a dreamboat in his time, you know. No doubt all his fans in Pakistan can't wait to welcome this former dreamboat. Hey, come on, so bloody what if today he looks less of a DREAMBOAT and more of a DRUM-BOAT? *** Versatile Vidya------------------------ I have always hailed Vidya Balan as a versatile actress, an all-rounder. And, hey, in her new film Tumahari Sulu, hamari Vidya even looks it -- all chubby cheeks, roly-poly and plump. ALL ROUND! *** King Cong or Comic Cong?------------------------------------- Sitaram Yechury feels Sonia-ji is the GLUE that binds all the liberal parties across this land. I beg to differ. To me, it's more like the King Cong Party is doomed because they are stuck with this super glue. *** Of Mass and Amass---------------------------- You know, in our country, it's a given that a mass leader will amass great wealth overnight. But Sasikala-ji was no mass leader. She was only a PA to a mass leader. So credit certainly goes to her for amassing such a fabulous fortune. But poor Sasikala-ji. Now, from her lock-up, she is watching on TV how all her assets under lock and key are being unlocked by troops of tax hounds. *** Arthur Road Jail Awaits Mallya. Welcome, Sir!------------------------------------------------------------- Before extraditing Mallya to India, the Brit courts want to know how good the facilities are in our prisons to house Mallya. Huh? What? Hey, who do they think Mallya is -- the great emperor of Mallyasia? And why such British concern for a big con? Where, by the way, does Great Britain house its crooks -- in great 7-star hotels? OK, we acknowledge that our Arthur Road Jail in Mumbai is no Paris Hilton or London Regency but, hey, it's no Rat Palace or the Royal Roach Hotel either. (Or is it? Heck, How would I know? I have never been there!) *** Flying Into A Rage-------------------------- Seen that viral showing the ground staff of an airline giving boxing and wrestling lessons to a passenger? Pretty damning for the airline, eh? In keeping with the way it treats a passenger, the airline should change its name from IndiGo to IndiGoons! I tell you, no other airline can beat this one when it comes to beatings on the tarmac in broad daylight! I bet no other airline offers such extra services -- like a full-body massage to a passenger out in the open! Taking this airline has to be quite an experience in flight -- or rather FRIGHT! I don't know about a good flight but they sure offer a GOOD FIGHT! *** Holy Smog!------------------ For a moment, Duchess Camilla and Prince Charges must have felt that they had landed on a smoggy alien planet, with weird-looking aliens moving about. When they landed in New Delhi and found the people moving about wearing gas masks in the great smog. *** Toxic Trip------------------ Hey, if you think Rahul Gandhi''s doggie Pidi is cute and smart, then my pet doggie Baby Doll is super cute and smart! Just listen to the poem my pet has penned on the Delhi smog : SMOG so thick, can't see a thing in the soupy toxic FOG! Better not step out to JOGyou might trip over a DOGdrop and crack your TOPon a ROCK! Forget your JOBwhy work and SLOGwhen you can stay homeeat like a HOG and sleep like a LOG? Why the heck go out in Delhi FOG and croak like a FROG? (Yeah, yeah, I know it's terrible! But if I say that, my doggie will bite me.) *** Hey, You Dying To Go To The US?--------------------------------------------- Almost everyday we hear of some horrendous mass shooting somewhere in the US and I think of all the Indians here who can't wait to go and settle in wonderful US. And I think, much like us, the Devil has already done so : moved to the US, settled there and he is successfully running his Devil's Workshop in the US! The Devil's Workshop, did I say? OK, make that the Devil's Formidable Gun Shop. *** Let The Treasure Hunt Begin!----------------------------------------- Yeah, sure, the Paradise Papers have done it -- blasted quite a few prominent names out of the water! Names of kings, queens, world leaders, tycoons, magnates, power brokers, film stars -- you name it! Ah ha, including, to our great pride, as many as 700 names from India! Oh yeah, sure, the Paradise Papers have caused a buzz and a flutter. But will this actually spell trouble in the paradise of the world's rich and famous? After all, it's the done thing, isn't it? Those who have all the money to BURN -- truckloads of cash and trainloads of black money to BURN -- they don't actually BURN the money, you know. Ha, in fact, quite sensibly they BURY the money in offshore tax havens. Hey, look at it this way : the rich and famous can be divided into two groups. Those we consider our national treasures. And those who are our international treasures. Because that's where they hide their amassed treasures -- in foreign parts. *** Crown Price and Clown Prince------------------------------------------ What's common between the Saudi CROWN prince Salman and our own Bollywood CLOWN prince Salman? They both play the hero. One plays the hero on the screen. The other is right now engaged in playing Saudi Arabia's anti-corruption hero. One is in show business. The other has made it his business to consolidate power. On the pretext of cracking down on corruption in Saudi Arabia, he has been busy sweeping all potential rivals out of business! *** This Calls For Prayers Indeed--------------------------------------- In Mumbai, a teenage boy lost his life to cancer a few days ago. But his family is yet to bury the poor boy. Why? Because this family has great faith -- ABSOLUTE BLIND FAITH -- in a faith healer who has promised to raise the boy from the dead! And how, PRAY TELL, will this faith healer raise the boy from the dead? The faith healer claims he can perform such a miracle through PRAYERS. Boy oh boy, when I hear of such things, I certainly start PRAYING. I PRAY for better sense to prevail on such people. *** Hawking's Pressure Cooker--------------------------------------- The iconic scientist Stephen Hawking predicts that, at the rate our planet it warming up, it will turn into a fireball in a couple of centuries. I think Mr Hawking is way -- way -- way off the mark here. But that's only because he lives in the UK. Forget the Earth heating into a fireball later. If Hawking were living here today in the heat wave of Mumbai, he'd surely conclude that our planet has already turned into a Hawkins pressure cooker! *** Dope Test----------------- Should our cricketers be made to take the dope test? Of course not. On the other hand, our cricket fans should of course be put to the dope test. They are such dopes. Going batty over a mere game of bat and ball. And for all we know, the matches are rigged, anyway. Don't these dopes realize it's no longer CRICKET but CROOKED? *** And oh yes, the Ryan School has proved it. That no other police force can BEAT the Haryana Police. When it comes to BEATING a confession out of some poor innocent scapegoat! ***
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Jest A Minute (3/11/2017) from Subroto Mukherjee
Big Fish For Dinner------------------------------ Right now our beloved Mamta Didi is on a visit to our equally beloved Mumbai. Being a Bengali, naturally she is a big, fish lover. And indeed she had a big fish for dinner the other evening. At Antilia, she had a dinner date with Mukesh-bhai so she could persuade this 'big fish' to toss some business in the direction of poor, jobless Bengal. *** Welcome to Khichdistan--------------------------------- God knows who cooked up the rumor that khichdi is being officially named our national dish. Not true, but must say, if any dish deserves the status of being our national fare, it has to be the khichdi. After all, come to think of it, no other Indian dish quite represents the GREAT, BIG KHICHDI that our country is -- a diverse, delightful, delicious khichdi of cultures, traditions, tastes, cuisines, costumes, languages, ethnicity, race and religion! Hey ho ho, hey, I say why not rename our fab nation Khichdistan? *** Inflamed Ex-flames---------------------------- Nawazuddin's autobiography, An Ordinary Life, includes pretty ordinary things like falling madly in love with someone, falling madly in bed with someone else, etc. But this has inflamed his ex-flames to extraordinary extent. They have called Nawaz a liar and what not. Of course, Nawaz has apologized profusely to them. But the question is, is Nawaz genuinely sorry. After all -- hey -- he is an actor. And for all we know, he is JUST ACTING. *** Anyway, let this serve as a warning to other actors : If you write in your autobiography about bouncing in the bed with your ex-flames, some ex-flame might get so hopping-mad, she might send bouncers to really bounce you around! *** Regular James Bomb Stuff------------------------------------- The hijack threat the other day was of course a hoax. Some idiot passenger on a domestic flight left a bomb threat note in the plane's toilet. Hey, it was a departure from the routine, anyway. Usually no air passenger leaves a bomb threat note in the loo. What they do leave behind is a STINK BOMB floating in the potty! *** Loose Screws?---------------------- Just imagine this! The door fell off a plane in flight and crashed down on the roof of a house in Secunderabad! Before the flight took off, didn't anyone notice that the screws were loose in that door? Aren't there maintenance people who carry out checks before a flight? Or do they just let a plane go? Do they have a screw loose in their head? *** Law Makers Who Are Law Breakers------------------------------------------------ The statistics are absolutely damning for our so-called great democracy : there being as many as nearly 1,600 politicos in this country today who have criminal charges against them! So, in its infinite wisdom, our Supreme Court wants a special court set up to take up the cases of these dubious MPs and MLAs. OK, what if these VIPs are tried, found guilty and thrown behind bars, then what? Then will these VIPs (Very Important PERSONS) remain VIPs? Of course they will! They will still be treated as VIPs -- Very Important PRISONERS! *** Poison Ivy?------------------- President Trump claims he went to a prestigious Ivy League institute. Oh really? So which one did he attend? The Harvard University -- or the Harvard Motor Driving School? I guess what he took away from his Ivy League education is a lot of poison ivy -- given the way he affects a lot of people today! *** Mindless Twits--------------------- Rahul-ji says he does not tweet. His pet doggie tweets for him. So, is it a bull-dog? Or is this claim a lot of bull? Hey, birds tweet, we tweet. I used to think this is something we have in common only with the birds -- mindless tweets. Too bad if dogs and cats are now also getting into this mindless business. *** Killer Genes?--------------------- A girl gets knocked down by a speeding vehicle! She lies unconscious by the street side. What do passers-by do? Instead of snapping into action to help the poor accident victim, they just stand around idly, snapping pictures. This is the usual scenario, the usual plight of an accident victim in Mumbai! Is such callous apathy in our genes? Have we been born with a certain kind of DNA -- a DNA that stands for DO NOT ACT? *** Wallet Specialist------------------------ There's a doctor in Tamil Nadu who charges poor patients no more than 2 rupees! How many other doctors are there in this country who show the same compassion for the have-nots? On the other hand, how many doctors can our country boast of who have proudly turned wallet specialists? Oh, by 'wallet specialist', I of course mean a medical consultant who is a diagnostic wizard. One look at the patient and this wallet specialist knows what the patient has! No, no, not what health issues the patient has BUT WHAT THE PATIENT HAS, HOW MUCH THE PATIENT HAS -- IN HIS WALLET! *** Watch it! Reptile In The Roof Tiles!----------------------------------------------- A snake was found on the 16th floor of a residential tower in suburban Mumbai. Local residents are scratching their heads over how the heck the slithery reptile managed to climb all the way up there! One thing is clear to me though. Just the way we humans have chucked the wisdom of 'simple living, high thinking' for 'high living, silly, snobbish thinking', snakes are doing the same. They are now aiming for high living in high-rises. *** Blast The Blast---------------------- Mumbaikars want to know what the heck's going on! What mischief are the weather gods up to? Switching on the AC at night for us but turning on the furnace to full blast during the day! ***
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Jest A Minute from Subroto Mukherjee
Encounters Of The TURD Kind---------------------------------------- For no rhyme or reason, a young tourist couple from Switzerland were attacked by some rowdies at Fatehpur Sikri! HA! Welcome to our Incredible India! Incredible indeed! Incredible lack of law and order, incredible absence of security for tourists! Seen that movie Encounters of the Third kind? Well, for some tourists who dare to set foot in our wonderful country, it's like encounters of the TURD kind! Those poor tourists step on turds littering our public places. Or, far worse, they get stepped on by the nasty human turds that some of us have become! Our Tourism Ministry claims it is making every effort to woo foreign tourists. But oh WOE! I bet foreign tourists are doing the same -- making every effort to stay as far away -- as far, far away -- from India as possible! *** Diwali Fest-------------------- Along with an invited gathering of Indian-Americans, President Trump celebrated Diwali in the White House by lighting a Diwali lamp. Meanwhile in Pyongyang, North Korean supremo Kim Jong-un joked that he'd have to loved celebrate Diwali -- by lighting a lamp under Trump's ample seat! Or, even better, by firing a Diwali rocket up Trump's ass! *** Capitalist Pigs--------------------- On the festive occasion of Diwali, Trump said he loved and admired Indians. Of course he does. As a capitalist pig, he admires us because we ourselves have become such capitalist pigs that, far more than the SACRED COW, we now worship the CASH COW! *** GO-GET-HER-------------------- Priyanka Chopra says guys like Harvey Weinstein can be found not just in Hollywood but everywhere.. She is right. In every line, there are not only enterprising achievers or GO-GETTERS but also big-shot louts who can be described as GO-GET-HER or GOT-TO-GET-HER! *** Diwali Gift------------------- Priyanka Chopra says creeps like Harvey Weinstein can be found not just in Hollywood but in everywhere. In every line, there are rogues making like bedbugs and trying to crawl into bed with the ladies. I know of one such rogue who, on Diwali, gave a beautifully-wrapped Diwali gift to a lady. And while the lady was UNWRAPPING the gift, the rogue tried to UNWRAP her! *** You Were A Big Help, Harvey!---------------------------------------- For his part and for whatever it is worth, Weinstein says he always helped starlets. He helped their careers. He helped them with recommendations. He helped them get roles in his movies. Of course, what goes without saying is that he also helped the girls -- er -- um -- well, he also helped the girls out of their clothes! *** Yeah, a starlet who went to this movie mogul was guaranteed at least two things : (1) she'd land a role in his movie and (2) he'd land on her! *** Yeah, it was guaranteed that this big-time producer could pull strings to help a starlet. And, well, if she was invited to weekend with him on some exotic beach resort, it was also guaranteed that he'd pull the strings of her string bikinis! *** Festival Of Asthma?----------------------------- Less firecrackers were burst this Diwali and so the air pollution was also less this time. And you could tell the difference. Usually those poor pigeons outside my window are gasping instead of cooing. But this time they sounded less breathless. And the poor crows usually get a sore throat from the air pollution and rasp hoarsely. But this time they were crowing more and coughing less and it was not that hacking and whooping kind of cough either! As for the stray cats and dog in our street, they were spared the panting and wheezing and sounded less like poor patients of asthma! *** Have A Nice Trip------------------------ Recently many passengers on a train went down with food poisoning. See, this is the trouble with travel in this country. You take a road trip and you go jerking, jolting, juddering, bumping and bouncing over bad roads. You take a flight and you suffer turbulence in mid-air. You take a train and you end up with turbulence in the tummy! Ha, so much for a nice trip! *** Damn Spectacular Jam-------------------------------- The other day, the Indian Air Force carried out a test to see how well a highway could serve as a runway in case of an emergency or in the event of war. And the lucky locals who live near the Agra Expressway were treated to a spectacular air show as fighter jets, bombers and transport aircraft thundered down to land on this highway. Hey, we are all aware of the heavy vehicular traffic on our highways, right? So my humble point is, in case of an emergency, how the heck is a plane going land on a highway without bumping into some lorry? Or, in the even of war, how is it going to help if our fighter jets land on a highway -- only to get stuck in a traffic jam? *** All Out------------ Too bad, too bad. A fire broke out at the home of Sachin T's in-laws. But fortunately no one was hurt. All managed to exit the flat safely. So, to put it in cricket terms, to our great relief, the score was ALL OUT FOR NO LOSS! *** Our Chairman-------------------- China's President Xi Jinping has been elevated to the same lofty status as Chairman Mao. After hearing this, our pet tomcat is demanding that we should also elevate him to the position of a great chairman. Our cat expects that while he gloriously reposes on a chair, we should bow to him with reverence and address him as CHAIRMAN MEOW! ***
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Jest A Minute (17/10/2017) from Subroto Mukherjee
Never-ending Puzzle------------------------------ At the tail end of 9 years -- oh my God, 9 years? Has it been that long? 9 long years? Anyway, as I was saying, at the tail end of 9 years, what do we have? This : we are still puzzling, still scratching our heads to make head or tail of what actually happened on that dreaded evening in the Talwar home! At the tail end of 9 long years, we still have no clue, no idea as to the hair or hide of poor Arushi's killer! Maybe this murder mystery will continue to tantalize us and we will never make out the head or tail or hair or hide of that beast -- or beasts! *** The Weinstein Scandal. What Scandal?---------------------------------------------------- Had Shakespeare been around today, who knows, he might have been inspired by Hollywood's Weinstein scandal to write a play. A play entitled KING LEER! *** Ancient history tells us that, while Rome was burning, emperor Nero was fiddling. Look what's happening in Hollywood today. Some ladies are BURNING with hate -- ready to burn movie mogul Weinstein for the way he once FIDDLED with them! *** Well, this studio head Harvey Weinstein has turned out to be quite something -- where starlets are concerned, less of a Harvey-vore but more of a carnivore! He had a flaming desire for starlets. Now, years later, this flame is burning his ass! *** This Weinstein expose is being called the biggest scandal to rock Hollywood in years! But my point is -- hey, what scandal? What has surfaced is pretty common knowledge out there. In fact, what has been happening behind closed doors in Hollywood for years is tradition, routine. And our lusty Weinsten is not the only horny wolf to weasel and worm his way into bed with the busty ladies. After all, there are ambitious girls galore with stars in their eyes who stop at Hollywood -- and then they don't stop at anything! Girls who want to squeeze meaty movie roles out of movie moguls -- and movie moguls who, for their part, want to squeeze the meaty parts of the girls! Hey, that's routine, tradition out there! *** Anyway, here's the moral lesson for the Weinsteins of Hollywood. When your past -- your nasty past -- comes knocking on your front door, don't open the door! Hide! As if you are not at home. *** Humpty Dumpties everywhere---------------------------------------- Health experts predict that, in another few years, the world will see young Humpty Dumpties everywhere : there will be more obese kids than poor, lean, starving children. So health experts advice our kids to be more active : play more, exercise more, run more -- in fact, most important of all, RUN RUN RUN from fries, fat-soaked fast foods and sugar-loaded colas! *** Rats!---------- A leading hospital in Mumbai suburbs has a problem -- visitors. No, not the relatives and friends who visit the patients but those visitors that sneak around at night and take a bite of the patient's toe -- RATS! If you are a patient, there can be only one thing worse than rat bites in hospital -- the bite those doctors and specialists put on you with their bills! *** What's amiss if he is now a miss?--------------------------------------------- Our Navy has sacked a sailor for undergoing sex change surgery. Beats me. What's wrong if a naval sailor turns from a man into a woman? When today our armed forces are inducting ladies? And when our own defense minister is a woman? What's wrong, if after the sex change operation, something is missing from this sailor's lower deck but something has been added to his upper deck? *** Speed Breakers?------------------------- Forget our lanes, by-lanes, streets, roadways and highways. Potholes are now surfacing in Mumbai's airport runways! I bet some 'genius' in authority has decided that aircraft are moving too fast along the runways so there's a need for speed breakers to slow down the planes! And what better speed breakers than potholes? *** Bringing The House Down------------------------------------ The other evening, Adnan Sami performed a concert in Srinagar, Kashmir. They say it was a big success. Or, as they say in English, he brought the house down. Good thing our beloved Adnan Sami is no longer the heavyweight Adnan SUMO he used to be at one time. Had he still been the great SUMO, he might have also brought the stage down with him. *** What the Devil?-------------------------- Roman Polanski is famous for his spooky classic, Rosemary's Baby. A movie about a woman being tricked into sleeping with the Devil! Now at least 4 women have emerged who claim that, when they were youngsters, they had been forced to sleep with a devil -- a devil called Roman Polanski! Tu-tut. Too bad, too bad, when all it took was underage girls to bring the Romanski out of this Polanski! *** Finally SRK Gets A Hit-------------------------------- Poor SRK. Of late, he hasn't got a hit to his credit. All flops in a row. But, yeah, just when you thought the poor guy badly needed a hit, he did get a hit. He got hit by the BMC. They hit the illegal canteen annex to his production house and struck it down! *** Everyone's Out Of Job------------------------------- The other day, a leopard walked into a Maruti plant. You know what that means? It means, the problem of unemployment has got so severe in this country, even our poor wildlife are now being driven to seek jobs in factories. *** Banta of Santa-Banta duo no more?--------------------------------------------------- The remains of Santa was recently discovered in Turkey! When he heard this news in Punjab, Banta burst into tears and howled : "Oh no, my best buddy Santa is no more!" *** Workaholics, Beware!------------------------------ If you happen to be a workaholic, it's time you considered -- seriously considered -- turning a relaxoholic. In Japan, a workaholic lady worked non-stop for 160 hours -- poor thing -- only to lose her life to overwork! To honor this untiringly workaholic lady, she will be buried -- very befittingly, as in life, so in demise -- under a tonne of paperwork! *** Gutter Gold!-------------------- Did you know this? I had no idea that Switzerland is a big gold-refining hub. But in the process of polishing the gold, quite a bit of this precious metal finds its way down the drains into the Swiss sewers! The gold thus lost to the gutters could be as much as 43 kilos per year! So here's the difference between Mumbai and Zurich : here in Mumbai, on a flooding, rainy day, you'd be very very unlucky indeed if you happened to fall down one of our open manholes! On the other hand, you'd be very very LUCKY indeed in case you fell down an open manhole somewhere in Zurich! Because you'd climb out of the sewer COVERED WITH GOLD DUST! *** Better Or What?------------------------- Is Anupam Kher a better choice as FTII chief than Gajendra Chauhan?I don't know. Does Anupam-ji qualify to take on his new role as FTII head? I don't know. You see, reason is, for me at least, counting his qualifications is like counting the hair on his head! *** Cafeteria Bacteria?--------------------------- The other day, many passengers on a so-called deluxe train went down with food poisoning! Makes you wonder. From where are the meals being supplied to our poor railway passengers -- from the Cafeteria Bacteria? They say the food served on the train was so awful, even the roaches and rats on the train were seen racing to the train toilets -- TO VOMIT! Hey, I am no expert but I can tell you this much. There are 3 simple ways to avoid food poisoning : (1) Cook the food well, (2) store the food well and, most important, (3) whatever else you may or may not do, NEVER store the food in a damp dark place. A damp, dark place named your STOMACH! ***
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Jest A Minute (5/10/2017) from Subroto Mukherjee
India's Top Magicians----------------------------------- Mumbai's BMC can work magic. Its favorite magic being the vanishing trick! Making thousands of incriminating files disappear into thin air! Same is true of our Mumbai University. It too can perform magic and make thousands of answer papers vanish! But of course the top magician in India today has to be the saintly and wizardly CM of UP. He just made a global icon -- the Taj Mahal -- disappear from the new tourist booklet issued by his state government! *** Hands-On Editor------------------------ Finally, after 4 years, the Tarun Tejpal trial will begin in Mapusa, Goa. As you might know, Tejpal once headed a hard-hitting investigative journal and he was known as an impressive, hands-on editor. Well, his one mistake as a hands-on editor was to put his hands on the wrong female colleague! And -- WHAM -- our hands-on editor found himself headed for jail, his hands cuffed! *** Rest In Peace? No way!--------------------------------- As per his last wishes, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner was laid to rest next to Marilyn Monroe in an LA cemetery. So, rest in peace, Hugh. But now that you are sleeping next to Marilyn, I doubt you will get much peace or rest. . *** Co-starring With Marilyn------------------------------------ I bet Hugh wished he could have starred in a Hollywood movie with Marilyn but, alas, that never happened. No one in Hollywood came up with a plot for that. But never mind, now that Hugh is starring together with Marilyn in a plot anyway -- a funeral plot! *** Vatsayana Reincarnated?--------------------------------------- Appearing for his history exam, a Rajkot school boy filled his answer paper with detailed porn! And guess what, his teacher gave him passing marks. Well, I guess he deserved that much. After all, he did show how well he knew a certain period of our history -- the period of Vatsayana and the Kama Sutra. *** Die Nasty?------------------ If it's found that his son is involved in drug dealing/trafficking, Philippines President Dutarte has declared that he will kill his own son! See, this is the difference between the Philippines and India. In India, nepotism rules and dynasties are supreme. And our dynasties are not about to die nasty. But if Dutarte means what he says, then -- WOW -- his own dynasty could die nasty at his own hands! Let's take a lesson from that, shall we? *** Finger-Licking Good------------------------------ Kejriwal-ji and leftist South Indian superstar Kamal Haasan met for lunch the other day. As the main course, they relished chewing out the BJP. Then they took delight in munching other right-wing parties to pulp. And, finally for dessert, they enjoyed making short-work the RSS! In other words, what a finger-licking treat for both! *** Campus Rumpus------------------------- There are boys who come to the Banaras Hindu University to study. And there are boys who come to study the girls. There are boys on the campus whose eyes pop out like telescopes at the sight of girls. Which shows these boys take interest at least in the subject of astronomy and 'heavenly bodies'! There are boys on the campus who admit that they can't help it. They are at an age when girls are always running through their heads. Hey, knowing the kind of boys they are, is it any wonder the girls are running -- away! *** Hopping Mad!----------------------- A CBI team was supposed to raid the home of an ex-judge involved in a medical scam in Odisha. Instead, this CBI team barged into the home of a sitting judge. Oh my God, I doubt if that poor sitting judge was sitting any longer. I bet His Eminent Honor was hopping mad! Such blunders make you wonder what the acronym CBI actually stands for : Coolly Barging In, Clueless Bungling Investigators? *** Emulating Our Great Leaders?-------------------------------------------- A central minister was on a visit to the Surat railway station. But the moment the honorable dignitary stepped on the newly installed escalator, it stopped working! Hey, can you blame the poor escalator? It was simply emulating our VIPs. After all, the moment our politicos become ministers, don't they stop working? *** Good Apple------------------- The new Bollywood film Newton has nothing to do with that genius Newton who, remarkably by the young age of 26, cracked all the basic laws of physics -- the laws of gravity, the laws of motion and the laws of optics. That Newton saw an apple falling and discovered the secret of gravity. On the other hand, you are quite likely to fall for our Newton because he is such a good apple! *** Laundering In The Bathroom? ------------------------------------------- In Mumbai, a top-level tax man was caught with lakhs of cash stashed in his bathroom! Why the heck did this fool store all that money in his washroom? What the heck was he planning? To launder his dirty money? To use his washing machine to clean all that dirty dough? Ha! *** Our Stone Age---------------------- A dubious, stone-hearted music producer gets stoned. Dangles a young musician from a high balcony. The poor young man falls like a stone to the stone-hard ground and ends up stone-dead! For junkies, it's dead easy to access drugs here in Mumbai. It's available on the Net. Or a drug dealer is just waiting to make a sale -- only a stone's throw away, especially if you live in a fancy, upscale area! So my question is, in the name of a modern lifestyle, have we regressed so far back that we are now actually living in the brutal Stone Age? *** Caught Napping----------------------- They say our great metropolis of Mumbai never sleeps. But no, the same cannot said for our authorities and emergency services. And the recent tragedy at Elphinstone Road Station amply demonstrated how our authorities were caught napping. Even frantically calling up the emergency numbers only elicited the hum of slumber and snoring! Boy, it sure took time to rouse the royal Kumbha Karans who run this city! *** Laughing-Stock------------------------ Recently I was watching Mission Impossible. No, not the movie. On TV, I was watching the Pakistan mission at the UN desperately trying defame India with a WRONG PICTURE! Well, what do you know, it worked. Those Pakistanis succeeded. They succeeded in making a laughing-stock of themselves before the whole world! *** Stuck In Medieval Time Warp------------------------------------------- Saudi Arabia has finally lifted its ban on women driving cars. But that country still has so many restrictions on women, it must be driving the women crazy! Women out there can't do this, can't do that, they can't do a hundred things. They can't go out unless draped from to top to toe and masked like dark comic-book superheros. They can't mix with men. A wife can't yell back at a hubby who yells orders to her all the time. She can't hit him back if he hits her. Heck, a woman can't even bark back at her pet dog when the dog barks at her! That's Saudi Arabia for you. So spectacularly ultra-mod in appearance but so rottenly backdated in its medieval mindset. *** Mona Darling In Birthday Suit------------------------------------------ Now we hear that Leonardo da Vinci also painted a nude Mona Lisa. Hey, that must have been on her birthday when she was in her birthday suit. *** From everywhere folks flock to Las Vegas hoping to hit the jackpot. But it's too tragic for words when, far from hitting the jackpot, poor, innocent folks get hit by a crackpot! ***
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Jest A Minute (21/9/2017) from Subroto Mukherjee
Putting Out The Fire -- And Firemen.--------------------------------------------------- A blaze broke out at a film studio, fire-engines dashed there and it took the firemen a couple of hours to put out the fire. After that, the firemen got chatting with all the stars there -- and, well, it took another couple of hours to put the firemen out! *** R K's All Rounders----------------------------- A fire burned down Raj Kapoor-ji's iconic R K Studios. Sad. But you know what's sadder? The idealism, the passion, the FIRE with which that great showman blazed a trail -- that burned out long ago with his passing. *** As a film-maker, Raj-ji was greatly influenced by another icon of cinema -- Charlie Chaplin. Influenced by the biting, socio-political commentary and satire behind Chaplin's slapstick comedy. *** In current times, Raj-ji's studio was being run by his three sons -- Dabboo-ji, Chintoo-ji and Chimpoo-ji! I like to view them as The Tree Stooges running a studio! No wonder, when the fire started at the studio, no one had a clue where the fire-extinguishers were kept, where to find them or how to handle them. *** No wonder Raj-ji was known as The Showman. After all, he was a complete film-maker, a film-maker well-versed and thorough in every department of film-making. In other words, Raj-ji was an all-rounder. Of course, the same can be said for his accomplished sons -- that they too are all-rounders. Sure, they are all-rounders but largely in the physical, spherical sense -- they are all so ROUND. *** Outlaws and Disorder------------------------------- Is there law and order in Bengaluru? Of course there is. Trouble is, from time to time, a criminally fanatic religious cult takes over the law and order. It not only makes the LAWS but also gives the ORDERS to hit-men! *** Loo-k Who's Taking Sneak Peeks!------------------------------------------------- A couple of women who visited a famous church in Mumbai raised hell after spotting a surveillance camera in the ladies' washroom. A priest of this church clarified that this camera was installed to deter theft. Theft from a toilet? What would thieves steal from a toilet -- the turds from the potty? OK, this camera was a measure taken against stealing. But, hey, what about the other kind of stealing? I mean, what about the church custodians using this camera to steal furtive sneak peeks into the ladies' loo? *** The Caveman's Skeletons-------------------------------------- The skeletons are now tumbling not from the closet but from the 'cave' -- the opulent 'cave', the luxurious villain's den of the rogue 'godman' now behind bars. Out there, cops have turned up an underground tunnel which this 'godman' used to access his private 'harem' of female devotees! For orgies galore, what else? OK, if you don't like the words 'orgies' or 'harem', let's call it a temple. A temple where entry was welcome for this hedonist guru and -- ooh la la -- nirvana guaranteed! *** Highly Suspicious-------------------------- Also it turns out that this hairy-scary 'godman' sent 17 corpses to the Lucknow medical college -- without death certificates! Oh my God! So many dead bodies but no death certificates Highly suspicious, to say the least! How did those poor people die? The finger of suspicion naturally points straight at this disgraced 'godman'. But if you ask me, this 'godman' had nothing to do with those deaths. If this 'godman' really wanted those 17 persons dead, he would not have sent their dead bodies to the Lucknow medical college. Instead, he'd have sent all those 17 persons ALIVE to a Gorakhpur hospital. After all, who can survive in a Gorakhpur hospital? *** Soakers All In A Row------------------------------- We have all heard the expression 'a sucker is born everyday', have we not? Sure we have. But if we go by Harvey, Irma, Jose and Katia -- all those big, drenching, soaking storms being born one after the other -- you'd think a SOAKER is also born everyday! *** Fast Food---------------- A poor elephant was made to beg in Mumbai streets by its owner. And the elephant was gobbling up all the fast food (like 200 vada pavs daily) offered by Mumbaikars who took pity on the creature. Ha, no wonder it's called fast food. The way this elephant put on 700 kilos in excess weight -- in no time! *** Ladies Love Midgets?--------------------------------- You'd think women go for men who are tall, dark and handsome -- right? Wrong. Well, at least according to a study conducted in the West, women actually prefer short men. Short, dark and pudgy. In that case, listen up, ladies : the perfect place for you would be the Denkali jungle in those Phantom comics. That place is full of pygmies! *** Mushrooming Nuclear Capability-------------------------------------------- After testing a series of nuke warheads and even an H-bomb, Kim Jong-un threw a grand banquet for his scientists and engineers. Obviously the North Korean big teddy of a daddy felt celebrations were in order for the country's nuclear success in making so much mushroom cloud. So, hey, no prizes for guessing what was the main course at this gala dinner? Right -- mushrooms! *** After Bloody Next?---------------------------- We know the woods of Bollywood is teeming with a dominant species called copycats. Hard at work xeroxing everything from Hollywood. Now some of the creatures are burrowing underground seeking content from the underworld. So now our poor audience has to suffer through Daddy -- a grand-daddy of a bad film about a big daddy of a baddy who once prowled the Mumbai underworld. And as if it was not enough making all those films in the past featuring nasty gangster Dawood, some film maker has now made a film about his infamous sister Haseena Parkar! What next? A film about Dawood's pet cat called Scary Mouser or his pet dog named Noisy Barker? *** The Poor Man's Leader----------------------------------- Modi-ji's right arm, Amit Shah-ji claims our great leader Modi-ji's heart beats for the poor. Wonderful! Splendid! I am so moved to hear this! But while our great leader's heart beats for the poor, it would seem his mind is obsessed with, and busy playing with, expensive toys like high-speed trains from Japan. Oh shucks, too bad our poor will never be able to afford to ride that train! *** Pathetic Spineless Jellyfish Culture--------------------------------------------------- In the last election, our great leaders made big promises to curtail the extravagance of our VIP culture. So what happened to that? As usual, nothing. This is where the ratio stands today : there are 3 cops for every VIP while only one 1 cop to safeguard every 600 citizens! Simple question : what is the criterion for being a leader? True grit, genuine guts, courage. If you lack courage, you have no business being a leader! So why do our brave leaders need a wall of bodyguards 24/7 as protection? What does the acronym VIP really stand for? VERY INSECURE PARANOID? If you ask me, the acronym VIP merits being changed to PSJ -- PATHETIC SPINELESS JELLYFISH! *** Lucknow Mental--------------------------- Seen Lucknow Central? No, I have not. Because my interest in ornithology (pretty birds) does not extent to jailbirds. But you know what I'd love to see? I'd love to see someone like Vijay Mallya in a place like Lucknow Central. You know what? Someone should now make a film entitled Lucknow Mental because certain film makers here in Bollywood (I mean those who make films like Daddy and Haseena Parker) deserve -- richly deserve -- to be cast in such a movie. ***
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Jest A Minute (6/9/2017) from Subroto Mukherjee
Who's Afraid Of The H-Bomb?----------------------------------------- So North Korea now has the H-bomb? Big deal! We invincible Indians are all immune to the hydrogen bomb! In fact, we carry hydrogen bombs, we usually let it rip in a packed lift, bus or train -- and we even survive them! Simply by holding our nose! *** Borderline Psychos---------------------------- The way both Dictator Kim Jong-un and Dictator Donald have been hurling threats at each other, at the cost of humanity at large, they can both been described as 'borderline psychos'. Hey, I have nothing against borderline psychos so long as they keep within the borderlines of their own countries. So long as their insanity does not cross the borderlines and affect us! *** ZIP-ZAP-ZAPPED!-------------------------- Uncle Sam has accused Cuba of zapping powerful sonic waves from sonic devices and scrambling the brains of US diplomats in Cuba! Wow! That's the best science fiction I have heard from Pentagon in recent times! Hey, isn't it Dictator Donald who always sounds like his brains are all scrambled? So, I have a simple question to ask. If Cuba is using sonic weapons to mess with the brains of US diplomats in Cuba, who messed with and scrambled the brains of Dictator Donald? Do these weapons have such a long range, they can reach all the way across to the White House in the US? Well, if Cuba does possess such an awesome futuristic weapon, then no matter how advanced the US might be in science fiction, Cuba must be even more so -- way, way ahead in science and technology! *** Enough Is Enough, Get it?------------------------------------- Turns out this 'godman', now behind bars, has quite a history as a sadist and womanizer. He had begged for mercy in court. MERCY, MERCY, he had pleaded. But the judges told him quite firmly : "No! No more Mercy, Mansy, Malty, Minoty, Pinky or Preety! NO MORE GIRLS FOR YOU!" *** Planting Money Trees?--------------------------------- Now this great god-man will work as the gardener in prison on a daily wage of Rs 40. I guess, given the bumper crop, the bumper harvest of hair on his face, the jail authorities decided he is good at growing things and should be given the job of growing things in the prison garden. Plus, who knows, considering that this god-man was rolling in crores, he might even have vast experience in planting money trees all around his properties! I just hope, in the pretext of digging the prison garden, he does not dig deep underground and tunnel his way right out of the prison and escape! *** Great God-Men, Odd-Men--------------------------------------- Millions in our country follow 'god-men' and all kinds of great gurus and odd-men! Fine. I say, following them is OK. So long as you follow from a SAFE DISTANCE! Hey, follow from a safe distance because such great men can be dangerous! *** Vipers, Wipers------------------------- In Rampur, UP, two women entered a jewelry shop, let loose a snake and scared the hell out of the owner who fled! And the women fled with jewelry! Now the local police is hunting for one viper (the snake) and two wipers (the ladies who wiped out the shop). *** Blame Game-------------------- In Jodhpur, Rajasthan, as two surgeons traded insults and blamed each other in the operation theater over a botched procedure, the patient lay there helplessly at death's door! Sounds familiar? Very much so! The same thing just happened in Mumbai. As two top political parties played the blame game, the citizens had a harrowing time and some even lost their lives in a deluge! This, in a word, is the story of India today all over! *** Believe It Or Not!--------------------------- A Bihar minister has claimed that rats cause floods. Right! Rats cause floods, bats cause storms, cats cause dengue and knats of course cause brain drain. No wonder this poor minister lost his brains down some drain! *** Flop Master------------------- Our cinema has seen a few box-office duds of late. But guess which film, despite all the ballyhoo, has turned out to be the BIGGEST FLOP? A horror film titled De-Mon about a demon called De-Mon! A demon that caused harrowing experiences to millions across the country as they put their lives on hold to stand in queues for endless hours and days! Not to mention this demon taking all those lives and livelihoods, killing so many businesses and vocations! Under the banner of Tea Stall Productions, this film was produced by the renowned movie mogul N Modi. The film cost 22,000 crores to make but earned only a pathetic 16,000 crores. A humongous loss for the RBI which financed this movie! Of course, the great film-maker N Modi is in complete denial over the complete failure of his much-vaunted film. He has not even realized that film making is not his cup of tea. And, well, he'd do better to retire to his earlier vocation of tea service. So much for stirring up a typhoon in a tea cup with demonetization! *** Monsoon Wading!----------------------------- It rained so hard in Mumbai recently, the sun fled for a whole day hunting for a raincoat and umbrella! And the city was so flooded, Mumbaikars were busy hunting for boats, swim wear and scuba-diving suits. It rained so hard in Mumbai, I found myself on a trip to the Niagara Falls without even taking a step out of the house. The downpour was tumbling down in a fierce torrent like the spectacular Niagara Falls -- right outside my window! Seen the film Monsoon Wedding? For poor commuters here, it was like being part of the cast of Monsoon Wading -- wading in the inundated outdoors! It rained so hard in Mumbai, the animals in Mumbai zoo expected Noah to show up in his Ark at any moment to rescue them from the Great Flood! It rained so hard in Mumbai, many found themselves marooned like Robinson Crusoe on islands in the city -- like traffic islands! It rained so hard, Lord Ganesh did not have to go all the way to the seaside for his farewell journey. A sea of water reached the very doorsteps of the puja pandals! It rained so hard, I was sure the rain gods had decided to pitch in and do their bit for the Clean Mumbai campaign by trying to flush all the city filth down the drains! And while poor Mumbaikars found themselves up to their necks in water, those in authority who are usually up to their neck in corruption, for a change, found themselves up to their neck in criticism! Jai Ho, Mumbaikars! Along with the floods that came from the sky, there was no less a surge of helping hands from citizens all around. Our people may or may not dilute their drinks with water to keep their spirits up but nothing can dilute our spirits -- not even the worst deluge ever! *** Which idiot named it Hurricane Harvey? I'd call it Cyclone Che Guevara! The way it ripped through Texas like a revolution! *** Dilli Ka Laddoo----------------------- Oh, by the way, now that someone is out with a film called Bareilly Ki Barfi, I am consumed with the idea of making a film called Dilli Ka Laddoo. It being the proverbial Dilli ka laddoo, no telling who'll regret it more, we the makers who cook up this treat or the audience who consume it. ***
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