blogtwoblah

[blogtwoblah]

01/13/18 11:29pm

hey so this is word vomit #1

cant promise it’s a positive one for many reasons

school anxiety, kpop, and death mention (not me or anyone i know, but if you know kpop or have twitter you probably know who i mention in this)

first thing’s first, i feel like total fucking shit

i’m in my last year of high school, last few weeks of the first semester, and im failing 2 classes. literally at this rate i wont be able to graduate. so naturally, im stressed. but when i get stressed and i try to express my frustrations to my mother, she just gets frustrated as well and starts yelling at me and like wow ! do you realize you are not making this any easier? and so my dad comes in and starts yelling at me too and im like damn! this is really not what i need right now! 

anyway! im working on this essay right, and im getting pretty overwhelmed so i decide to take a break and watch youtube. and who better to cheer me up then amber liu right? she’s great and i really need her kind of vibe rn. i havent watched many of her videos, but i definitely know who she is in the kpop industry and as an individual yknow but i digress. so i clicked on a vid, had a laugh, let autoplay run a bit. im about four videos in and she’s filming kind of a behind the scenes thing from back when she was on that buzzfeed vid and i was like yeah okay cool. then she was at kcon and i was like oh hey cool! but soon i wasnt feelin cool anymore because then she was being goofy with minho from shinee. my stomach DROPPED and not even ten seconds later, jonghyun came into frame and im not gunna lie i immediately burst into tears. usually i can watch funny kpop vine compilations with him in it and smile, listen to shinee or his solo songs while getting ready in the morning, or just think of him with an ache in my heart and that’s about it. i am coping better than some others and yknow thats okay, sometimes people need to take their time with things like this, but i was numb for a week and decided that i had to try to overcome this and be happy again, cuz thats what jonghyun wouldve wanted.

but this time, sitting here with my laptop burning on my lap, already worked up from my stresses of earlier today, i really couldnt deal with seeing him or hearing his voice knowing he’s gone. i cant even open the tab to change the video because he’s just.... right there.. smiling and having fun with his friends... and this might be cheesy and cringy but.. just knowing that he’s gone and he’s never coming back, and the thought that moments like this will never happen again, makes me not want to take life for granted and to give it my all and try to succeed or whatever.

but i know that wont happen cuz im a piece of shit that has a chance of not graduating high school and im writing this word vomit instead of writing an essay that is already late.