bloodybrowneyedgeek - Tumblr blog

[bloodybrowneyedgeek]

The sun feels the same as he always does, I just got back to Georgia, it’s 2pm on a Monday in mid July and I’m home for the summer, back in my old town, equipped with new friends and old bed sheets, I settle into my freshly tidied room; my leave of absence has brought my parents to use it for storage. Looking around, “August 2022” still written on my whiteboard calendar, the last time I was here.

Packed into the car, it’s Tuesday, in between bags and thousands of questions- my parents and I start the drive to Florida. Strawberry picking. Yearly family tradition. I hope they’re juicy, I need something truly tender in my life. With the view going from oak trees to palm, I check my phone, a few new messages from my girlfriend, it’s hot, I’m bothered, I'll respond later.

Early Wednesday morning we get to our families summer home, my little cousins have seemingly been waiting for hours, I guess they’ve missed me, I’ve missed them too. I head up to my older cousins room. We've been best friends since we were little, and right now we have a lot to catch up on.

Late Wednesday evening is when we have dinner and it’s around 9pm when the last plate is washed and the final remnants of sweet strawberry juice are scrubbed from my arms. I met my older cousin's best friend this afternoon, he joined in on the strawberry picking. I like his hair, reminds me of a guy I used to know.

The next morning I respond to my girlfriend's influx of messages, constant updates on her day. My cousin's best friend doesn’t talk a lot, I enjoy the quiet.

Friday night, I get to act my age, i’m freshly seventeen, coming out of my shell and ready for summer to really begin, I tag along with my older cousin to a party

The music’s loud, Florida rap from people I've never heard of but my cousin's best friend seems to know every word so I watch his lips, trying to learn. I'm offered a drink, I take it , and then I take two more. The house is crowded and my stomach’s turning, I know the air is fresher outside so I take a step out.

My phone rings in my pocket, and I know who it is because we haven’t talked all day, and the vibration feels different with guilt. I would answer but right now my cousins best friend is in front of me, asking if I’d wanna go down to the river, together, just him and I

I hesitate but my answer is yes. We get there. Stepping over empty snail shells, we pick smooth stones and have a skipping competition, he wins. I blame it on the booze but we’re both woozy.

He scoots closer, takes my hand, admiring my nails and my ring. my phones going off again. my palms are sweaty and suddenly i’m nauseatingly hot, he knows why, he doesn’t care. By now it’s late, almost pitch black except for the moonlight, the stray dogs are out, I hear their howling. I jump a little when the sound gets closer and he takes the opportunity to comfort me, it’s a normal thing in their neighborhood. They've got a “puppy problem”.

We talk a little more and he scoots closer, my palms get sweatier. He smells like strawberries. we kiss. and suddenly I’m falling- metaphorically, landing at the bottom of a pit with bloody scraped knees, that are caked with red dirt. I get up, slip out of my flats and walk through the grass onto the sidewalk. The grounds real hot for it to be so late. At some point we end up back at his. The sun is up and his bedroom walls are painted bright orange.

[bloodybrowneyedgeek]

I don't think he loves me the way you love me but I don't love you the way you love me and I know id take what's yours for him, i've done it once, I was yours once and now i'm his or I wish to be but I don't know I don't think he thinks of me as often as you think of me but I think of him as often as you think of me and

i'm kissing you but I'm feeling his lips and vour hands are his hands and I'm here with you but not really because sadly you're not him but a fire is a fire and l'm unbearably cold

[bloodybrowneyedgeek]

I have such a yearning for you, it’s religious in a way

my attraction, has no grounds , from no certain circumstances has it sprung up

but it’s here. I like you.

“you don’t know me”

but I want too.

I so dearly want to know your ins and outs

what makes you smile and what invokes your rage

my faith in your ability to bring me light is as the Pope’s faith in the lord

Undeniably Unbreakable

with worship would I present my love for you

I love you, I want , I want too

[bloodybrowneyedgeek]

I want my life (and death) to mean something

I don’t want to change the world, I lack the social skills

but I crave so deeply to create, to just make

i’m a poet in my head and heart, I want to throw myself into it with such passion that it takes up my time

that my pen moves more than my mouth

that I don’t give into fatigue, that I don’t eat if it means I get to go on with writing and erasing the words of my heart on the lines of this little black book

I want the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart to be poetry, I want to be regarded as a great, someone no less than extraordinary with words

this want has taught to be fruitless though, I continue to talk more than I write and I throw myself in the path of destruction rather than on the path of passion

I give into my fatigue everyday around the same time and although my appetite is largely ignored, my sacrifice is fruitless

there’s not meaning behind my indolence

i’ll continue to want to be a poet until I become a poet, but I guess i’ll start tomorrow

- bloodybrowneyedgeek